The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

30 June, 2006

Public Service Exam

Today I received a phone call. One of my clients wants to stick me on contract, but, I have to prove that I did the public service exam. One problem, I did the public service exam in 1992. Plus, I did it in SYDNEY. This leaves me with a bit of a stupid problem. Would the public service still have records of my exam? If so, would they release them? I've sent an e-mail off to them, but whether or not they'll send anything back, I'm not sure. I'll tell you a little bit about the results though. The exam was designed so that it was impossible to finish any section of it. [Yes, Impossible]. It was out of five hundred in those days, with five sections each worth one hundred. I received my results, which put my score at 356. I spoke to one of my public service friends about it (as I thought it was a low score). He told me, no, as it's designed to be impossible to finihs, a 356 was quite a high score, and most people he knew in the public service had marks in the two hundred. I knew it was high, when I was offered a position at the Sydney Law Courts. Only one problem, and one non-problem stopped me accepting the position. Problem - when the offer arrived, it arrived AFTER the last date I could accept the position by. That is, it arrived a week AFTER I could accept the position. So, the possibility of saying 'Yes' to the position had been removed from me. The Non Problem - I probably could have phoned and complained like crazy about the incompetence of sending me an offer for a position AFTER the date I could accept it had expired, BUT I didn't. This was because the same day it arrived I had accepted a position as a graphic designer. Along with the fact that I REALLY wanted to do Graphic Design, it was also for $3000 more than the law courts offer. Of course, a year later I would kick myself for that decision. This was for two reasons:
  • First, the company I worked for ended up outsourcing the Graphic Design position (I had basically replaced four graphic designers. All of them resigned as the companies plan was to eventually do away with the graphic design department, and gthey left for other positions).
  • Second, in three years I didn't get a pay rise. The company I was working for was basically struggling financially, and as such had no money for the workers.
So, if I had of phoned the public service, abused them and fought for the Law Court position, I could have had a nice career path, along with pay rises, and with in a few years probably would have been earning more than I knew what to do with. I've had numerous friends who have worked in the public service. The thing I've learnt about it is, it is very hard to get fired from the public service. So, yes, all those stories you hear about lazy people who never do their job and sit around talking all the time ... well, they do exist in the service. The other thing I learned, was if you are a good worker and you do put in the time and effort, you do in fact go up in the public service. That's right, there are some peopel who do really work in public service departments. As my friends kept assuring me, lazy non-workers stay in the low paid, little responsibilty jobs. Good hard workers rise through the ranks and get to high levels and make big cash. Now, I could cry over spilt milk, but at the time I made the decision it was a no brainer. I didn't know the companies financial problems (and as such zero pay rise prospects), I also didn't know the graphic design position would be only for a year. So, i did make the best choice at the time based on the facts I had at my disposal, and you never know, even if I complained to the public service about the Law Courts job, it's still possible they wouldn't have given it to me. So, lets hope I can get a copy of my public service exam results. I'd like to have this nice contract.

29 June, 2006

Stupid Man Returns?

With the Superman Returns movie and Spiderman 3 about to be released, some are wondering whatever happened to Stupidman. Actually, I don't rememebr if I called him Stupidman or Bakaman! Eitherway, I've forgotten where I left the story on my blog, or even if I wrote it for someone elses blog! Now, who is the stupid baka man after all? [Stop pointing at me, the question was retorical!] :-) Even though, in the last episode he leapt out of a building and his superhero power of not being able to fly killed him dead. Actually, it was the ground ... come to think of it, he survived the fall and was hit by a bus! Anywat, I'm sure we can revive him, exactly the same way DC comics brought Superman back from the dead. Let's face it, when DC comics killed Superman off, I thought it was a good idea. Not because I hated Superman, but lets face it, every story has a beginning, a middle part and an end. Superman was created ... well, a long time before I was born, in 1932. As his superheroism starts from then, he was obviously at least 20 years old (or older thanks to Relativity and his travel form a distant star). So today he'd be about 94 earth years old or older. Let's get to the point, they guy might have some ailments associated with older people. 'Lois! We'd I leave my cape?' 'Where's my tigerbalm?' 'Alzheimers? I don't remember contracting that!' 'Why won't this wheelchair fly?' At least with X-Men we have a progression along the way (at least in the comics), where some of them are from the future after Wolverine and the rest have died off. Of course, I have a slight problem with Stupidman. I killed him off in the first episode! Darn you Stupidman!!! Why weren't you smart enough to stay alive? Oh, that's right, you were STUPID! :-)

28 June, 2006

The Hobbit - Part Five

The Elf took them back to the Elven city, which was by a huge river. They were forced to become drinks waiters, and strippers at hens nights.

'This is humiliating,' said Doc. 'Isn't there a way out of here?'

'I have a plan,' said Bilbo. 'Start to put the empty kegs over by the window near the river. When we're ready, we'll all climb into a barrel and I'll push you all into the river.'

'Better explain it all to Dopehead again,' said Doc. 'He's over there striping, and I think he's down to his last G-string.'

Bilbo explained the plan to Dopehead.

'Push off,' said Dopehead. 'I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do all my life, and getting lots of women.'

'If you don't come,' said Bilbo. 'I'll tell them about the time you slept with Happy Being Homo. Then they'll think you're disease ridden.'

'Okay,' said Dopehead. 'I'll help you escape, but as soon as the casino caper is over, I'm coming back here! Now, get off my lap and let the Elven lady sit there!'

So it was, that once four barrels were accumulated, the three dwarves and Bilbo placed them near the window.

'On the count of three,' said Bilbo. 'One, two, three.'

Bilbo and the dwarves leapt into the barrels, while Dopehead kicked them off the window. He then threw his own barrel into the river and leapt in after it. Unfortunately, being a bad swimmer, Dopehead didn't make it to his barrel and drowned.

So it was, that Doc, Bilbo and the thirteenth dwarf drifted into Laketown. A strange name for a town located on a river.

They then made their way to the Lonely Mountain, where they camped for the night by a big sign which read, 'SECRET DOOR'.

'How are we going to get into Smaug's lair?' asked Doc.

'I'm not sure where I read it, but I think there is a secret door near here,' replied Bilbo.

'Really? I read the same thing somewhere, but I just can't put my finger on where.' said Doc.

Suddenly, there was a slight earth tremor, and the huge sign fell on Doc.

'Of course,' said Bilbo. 'That's where I saw it. On the sign!'

Bilbo followed the yellow brick path and signs which lead up the mountain to a huge neon flashing sign, with 'Below is the secret door' written on it. Bilbo walked up, turned the handle and entered.

Bilbo arrived down in Smaug's lair, and placed the ring on his finger. He stealthily crept up to where Smaug was sleeping on his pile of gold, jewels and bones. Bilbo noticed a huge tattoo on Smaug's underbelly. It was in the shape of a large ringed target, the likes as seen on archery fields. There was a huge arrow on the tattoo and the words, 'Don't shoot here, it might kill me'.

Realising that if he awoke Smaug and the people of Laketown get to kill Smaug he might lose the treasure, Bilbo just stabbed the dragon there and then.

That's right, no fire breathing dragon getting shot by some Bard the Bowman, no great big wars, nothing like that at all.

Bilbo went back outside to get the thirteenth dwarf. After all, they had come through quite a lot together and Bilbo was generous enough to share. Alas, as he arrived at the entrance to the secret door, there sat Gollum chewing on some Dwarf bones.

'Hmm, my precious. Yummy roast dwarf. Hmmmm.'

Bilbo walked up behind Gollum, who couldn't see him as he was invisible, and stabbed him in the back and threw him down the mountain.

With the Dragons treasure horded, Bilbo was able to buy the best house in the shire, along with numerous farms and naked dance girls. He paid off his credit card bills. He used the dragon scales from Smaug to set up an armoury shop and sold off the dragon meat to all who could afford it.

He used the ring to secure insider trading tips to amass an even greater fortune on the stock exchange and became so rich he paid someone to write a propaganda piece called 'The Hobbit: There and Back Again', which made him look so completely innocent of the murder of Gollum, Smaug and the complete lack of feeling towards his travelling companions, that everyone thought highly of him.

The sad thing being, he never did learn the name of that thirteenth dwarf.

More on the Football Saga

I'm happy for some more reasons today. First, FIFA have said the penalty was very dubious. Seems like everyone in the world is pretty much in agreement with the exception of a few Italian fans, Lippi and Grosso. I think this is all Australia really wanted, an acknowledgement that we'd been hard done by. Second, FIFA raised the Socceroos ranking from 42nd to 15th in the world. w00t! We rock! [I think we were ranked 44th at the start of the tournament] Third, they released footage of the Italians training where they were practicing taking dives. Like, anyone want to try to claim they don't practice that sort of stuff now? lol Apparently, Lucas Neil is still pretty upset by the entire thing. Inconsolable is the word the media keep using. I feel sorry for him. It's not his fault, he has nothing to be ashamed of and he's a damn fine defender. He did nothing wrong. I guess he has to go through the greiving phase in his own time. I wish there was some way to implant that in his brain. 'NOT YOUR FAULT, DUDE!' Would it have been possible for Australia to have won the match? Well, I've already stated that I think it would have gone to a penalty shoot out. There is one thing though, Lippi had used all his substitutes. He had run out of options, where as Guus still had two substitutes to use, and still had Kennedy and others on the bench to use. Tim Cahill thinks we would have won it in extra time. Knowing Guus, it's highly possible. Anyway, I'm just happy the world knows the truth, and the Socceroos have finally got the recognition and respect they deserve.

27 June, 2006

Aussie NIL, Italy NIL, Referee MINUS THREE

Well, I was going to avoid blogging about this ... but why not. It seems there is more uproar in the world than I thought would happen. I am pretty stoic about this, as most Aussies are. I think the only time we get annoyed is when someone tries to justify the decision as it's obvious they're not being very impartial. Controversy is not uncommon at World Cups. So, Australia losing to an obvious dive shouldn't surprise anyone. There were obviously going to be bad decisions. Let's face it though, when Australia plays, the decisions are mostly against Australia. Some Italian fans have tried to justify it, and others have watched it and just plain admitted it was a dive. Don't believe me? This is what Grosso claimed happened: "I tried to avoid contact, I got past one defender but then my leg got stuck in between the other defender's legs and I had no option but to go down." Funny thing was, he wasn't anywhere NEAR Lucas Neil's legs. In fact, his leg didn't get stuck anywhere. A lot of people are questioning if there was any contact at all ... if there was, it was pretty minimal. When asked about it, apparently Lippi, rather than give a direct answer, asked if anyone doubted it was a penalty. The room full of Italian and Australian press apparently murmured to each other ... to answer Lippi's question, the rest of the world, including a lot of Italian supports say, 'There is nothing to doubt, as it was plainly NOT a penalty'. Anyway, it's obvious from Lippi's response that he didn't want to answer the question directly. He knows it wasn't a penalty. As for everyone else, I've read newspapers form other countries and I've heard the comments of other coaches/soccer analysts etc from countries and it seems pretty unanimous that it wasn't a penalty. Still, Australia might have been hard done by, but, like I said, most of us are being stoic about it. Though Melbourne was filled with the chanting of 'B*llsh*t! B*llsh*t!' last night, the chanting will not change the decision. The first thing I did this morning was contact one of my friends who is a HUGE Italia fan, and congratulate her on the fact her team is going through to the next round. You see, we're not upset at the Italians, nor the Italian fans. She later contacted me to give her commiserations. She wasn't happy with the way Italy had made it through. After all, she still believed Italy could have won ligitimately in extra time or with the penalty shoot out. Of course, a lot of other people are not as optimistic as she was. Extra time probably would have resulted in a 0-0 draw. If it went to penalties, well, Italy has a 4-5 record of losing those in world cups. I think if Italy had of won the extra time or even the shoot out, then Australia would have been happy. At present, we're bascially sad, angry and a gamut of other emotions. People keep pointing to the Materazzi send off as some sort of justification for the penalty. Like it was some sort of retribution being reaped on Australia for ... what? The yellow carding of Tim Cahill one minute earlier instead of Materazzi probably was more of the cause, as the Referee obviously chose the wrong person to yellow card. Watching the match, you get to the 49th minute, and you can clearly see that Materazzi came from behind Cahill, and leapt into him. He even bent his neck in Cahills direction in order to deliberately head butt Cahill. A definite yellow carding for Materazzi that he got away with. So, 49th minute, Minus one to the referee, still nill all to Australia and Italy. 5oth minute, the referee red cards Materazzi in what would normally have been a yellow carding offence. He obviously sent him off to make up for his earlier mistake of yellow cardin Cahill ... still, another minus one to the referee. 95th minute. [Officially 8 seconds from the end of the match], Grosso takes a dive in the box and is rewarded. Another Minus one to the referee. Official score Minus Three Luis Medina Cantalejo, Australia Nil, Italy Nil. As said in newspapers around the world, it's Grosso who should have been given a yellow card, and the Australians a free kick ... but, alas, not so. First thing I did after congratulatin my friend (The HUGE Italy fan), was to check the reaction from the rest of the world. I knew my opinion, I knew Australia's opinion. I even knew the opinion of many peopel from around the globe who were not Australian supports (such as the English commentator, and some foreign soccer analysts), but what was the reaction in the press. I was happy to report most of them felt the same way. Really, FIFA keep bringing the game into disrepute. They don't have a method of overturning bad decisions. Acutally, many years ago, I stopped playing soccer for exactly that reason. There were some methods of disputing some match results, but normally, regardless of how bias, a ref is, or how bad they are (let's face it, they're human and make mistakes), a referees decision will always stand. I'll bring up two little stories from my childhood, both of whcih broke my heart a little, even though in one decision I was on the winning side.
FIRST: Perth, Australia, Under Eights side: We were winning the league. We were in the middle of a game (and I can't remember who we were playing against). We had a big problem. The referee (as in most junior matches) was the father of one of the other teams players. This guy was ULTRA BIASED. He was forever giving them free kicks, and all sorts of other things. In spite of this, my side scored! BANG! Yes, we had beaten the other side and the referee and actually put it in the back of the net. ONE NIL! About a mintue or two from full time, the guy suddenly gave his team a penalty. The question was asked WHY??? He just said, 'Don't argue with the referee!' Anyway, his team now had a penalty they didn't deserve. The striker ran up, kicked the ball, and miraculously our keeper SAVED THE BALL!!!! Yes, he stopped it going into the goal! Then, something which will remain in my memory for the rest of my life happened! Even though the ball had NEVER crossed the line, the referee awarded a GOAL!!! WHAT???? Yes, a goal!!!!! It was now 1-1. Our coach was furious. There was an uproar from our sides parents ... but the other side didn't care! Result, we drew. There is a happy ending though. We were able to contest the match result. A report was place into the soccer association and a rematch was scheduled. With an impartial referee we beat them two nil. YEah!
Second, Adelaide, Australia. Year Nine (I think I was 14): My team was playing in the inter-school sports carnival. Our soccer team (which I was a memeber of) played quite well, and we got to the final. We were playing against the team from Elizabeth West. Really, it was a difficult match, and neither team looked likely to score. One of the teachers from my school was refereeing the match (how that happened I'd never know. You'd think they'd use someone impartial). Anyway, about ten minutes from time, the ball was kicked, and was bouncing towards the Elizabeth West goalkeeper. Not a difficult save at all. He grabbed it, and suddenly the whistle blew. Penalty! WHAT? Yes, our teacher had given our side a penalty ... what for? He never said. Not one word. So, our team took the penalty. Scored! We ended up winning the match ONE NIL. As I knew the the penalty was unfounded, I went and apologised to the other team afterwards. Their basic attitude to me was, 'Go get bent.' I also tried to get the players on my team to admit we didn't deserve the penalty. Not one of them knew WHY we were awarded a penalty. In fact, their general attitude was, 'Who cares, we won!' I then went and complained to some of the other teachers who basically didn't want to know about it. End result, my team won by the referee cheating! This time there was no way the other team could appeal. I was pretty upset when they hailed the school soccer team as heroes. Let's face it, we weren't, and no one really cared. I wonder if the other team grew up to be bitter old men!
Anyway, FIFA and soccer in general needs to have some sort of appeals committee. There has to be some way to undo the istakes the referees make. In Australian rules they can do it. They recently had a result where the full time siren sounded, and the Fremantle Dockers stopped playing thinking they'd won. The referee however awarded a free kick to the other team (even though the Dockers were walking off the field) and the other team scored, making them the winners. Of course, there was uproar. Not just from Dockers supporteres, but from many other clubs. Result, the AFL reviewed the decision and awarded it to the Dockers.
With the technology we have today, I'm surprised more Video referees aren't used in more sports and I'm surprised they're not developing computer systems in order to help with the decision making. With the video evidence we have, it's obvious that Grosso took a dive. His version of getting his foot caught in Neil's legs is so obviously a pack of piled elephant dung that it isn't funny. Anyway, some points I think Australia can be happy about.
  1. We're no longer going to be treated with disrespect as a soccer nation.
  2. Neil and others will be getting good soccer positions with clubs such as Barcelona.
  3. We no longer have the most difficult path to the world cup, we'll be playing in the Asian group from now on.
  4. The whole world witnessed what happened, so they know we were hard done by.
  5. We'll be coming back stronger than ever.
  6. World class coaches are queueing up in order to coach our team.
I think most of us are happy we can honestly say we didn't lose to Italy.

Hobbit - Part Four

'Thanks Bilbo,' said Doc. 'You saved us from those awful Goblins.'

'They weren't that bad,' said Happy Being Homo.

'Well, look who got all the attention,' said Homo.

'Bitch,' replied Happy Being Homo.

'Slut,' replied Homo.

'Now calm down the two of you,' said Gandalf. 'We have to make it through this forest and to the Lonely Mountain if we want to do this Casino thing.'

The two dwarves started bitch slapping each other. Gandalf, Bilbo and the other three dwarves wandered off. They were too far away to hear the Ent trip and fall on their two companions. The two lay dying, crushed beneath the Ent.

'Homo,' said Happy Being Homo. 'I have something to confess.'

'Really? What is it?' asked Homo.

'Remember your boyfriend Gloin.'

'Yes, of course I remember him.'

'I slept with him.'

'You bitch, if I wasn't dying beneath this Ent, I'd bitch slap you even more.'

'There's more.'


'Yes, remember your boyfriend Thorin?'

'Not him too?'

'Yes, and Oakenshield, Óin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fíli and Kíli, Dori, Nori, and Ori.'

'All of them?'

'There's more.'


'Yeah, that party you threw with three hundred guest.'

'Which one did you sleep with?'

'All of them.'

'All of them?'

'Well, and the pizza delivery boy, the caterer, the waiter, waitress, bar staff, even that lesbian who gate crashed!'

'The Lesbian?'

'You don't have a problem with that do you?'

'You slept with a lesbian? That's so ... gay!'

At that point, they both died. Happy Being Homo never did quite finish his confession, which also included, the Senate of an unnamed country, a Professional French Soccer team (but we will not name them either), a ballet school, the cast of several top Hollywood soaps, and most of Mordor, Gondor, and some places that don't even appear on the maps of middle earth. Let's face it, if you lived in Middle Earth and you contracted a sexually transmitted disease, it's most likely you caught it from Happy Being Homo. The guy justs never used protection. The moral being, be safe, practice safe sex.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party were stuck up a tree as they were being attacked by Wargs.

'Gandalf, how do we get rid of them?' asked Doc.

'How the frig should I know? I'm a loans officer, not a friggin' Wizard!'

It was luck for Gandalf that a large amount of Great Eagles descended and saved them.

'Where are they taking us?' asked Bilbo.

'To their nests,' said Gandalf. 'Great Eagles love to eat dwarves, humans hobbits.'

'Really? How are we going to save ourselves from them?' asked Bilbo.

'Us?' asked Gandalf as he cut through the talon of the great eagle he was under and parachuted to safety.

'Bugger,' said Dopehead. 'Hope they don't mind that the rest of us have bird flu.'

'Bird flu?' asked one of the great eagles.

'Yeah,' said Dopehead. 'Better take us over to that clearing, else I'll hang on and sneeze all over you.'

Hearing that, the great eagles landed safely and placed the hobbit and dwarves safely on the ground.

'Hello,' said a strange man. 'My name is Beorn. I can sing Abba songs and turn into a bear.'

'I'm amazed,' said Dopehead.

'Amazed at what/ The fact I can sing Abba or the fact I can turn into a bear?'

'No, the fact that you admit to singing Abba. Everyman and his dog can turn into a bear.'

With that, the dwarves and Bilbo entered the forest of Mirkmirk. Not having a friggin' idea where there were heading they soon found themselves completely lost.

'Where are we?' asked Bilbo.

'I think we're completely lost,' replied Doc.

'You bet your panties your completely lost,' said a Spider with an M-16 in one of it's legs.

'Who are you?' asked Doc.

'We're the Communistic Guerilla Spiders!' said another spider dropping from the tree above. 'We are in charge of this here forest, and we're going to hold you ransom till some wealthy capitalist pays millions for your release.'

'Millions? For us?' said Bilbo. 'You're kidding aren't you?'

'Shut up,' said Doc. 'They'll kill us now if they know we're all broke.'

'You're broke?' asked a Spider.

'Not me,' said Dopehead. 'My family have millions in Gold Pieces.'

'Good, we take you captive then,' said the Spider.

Bilbo had already slipped on his ring, and was killing the spiders with his sword. Bilbo and the three dwarves then made a run for it, as the great eagles swooped in and had a large spider lunch!

'Aha!' said an Elf leaping in their way. 'You're all under arrest for being Communists.'

'We're not communists, said Doc.

'Then why did the Communist Guerilla spider let you go then?'

'Because I killed them,' said Bilbo (who was now visible).

'Sounds like a story a communist spy would invent,' said the Elf.

Penang Penang!

Following on from CMOS comment of: Holy shite!!! You studied in Penang??? Damn... I feel so proud of my dinky island now... hehehe... ^_^ Here is the Penang Song I promised, as demonstrated by three lonely sailors on shore leave: OZZIE: Come on, Gabey, hurry up! CHIP: Twenty-four hours! SAILOR: Hey, why don't ya look where you're goin'. You'd think it was your first time in Penang! GABEY: It is! (The sailors look around them, happily absorbing the scene.) GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: Penang, Penang! It's a wonderful place! GABEY: We've got one day here and not another minute To see the famous sights! OZZIE: We'll find the romance and danger waiting in it Beneath the Geoerge Town lights; But we've hair on our chests So what we like the best are the nights Sights! Lights! Nights! GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: Penang, Penang, a wonderful place. Penang Hill's up, and there's plenty of space. Penang women have plenty poise and grace. Penang, Penang, it's a wonderful place! CHIP: (points to Komtar Building) Hey, Gabey! Gabey, look. (consulting his guidebook with reverence and excitement) Gabey, it says here "There are 20,000 Mamaks in Penang, not counting Tanjong Tokong Road the heart of Island Plaza, a charming thoroughfare filled with..." OZZIE: Here we go again! CHIP: The famous places to visit are so many, Or so the guidebooks say. I promised Daddy I wouldn't miss on any. And we have just one day. Got to see the whole place From George Town across to Batu Feringhi. GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: In just one day! Penang, Penang, a visitor's place, Where no one lives on account of the pace, With one million tourists ice creaming their face. Penang, Penang, it's a visitor's place! (Two sailors enter, weaving and weary-looking - one happy, one very glum.) GABEY: Hey! Look who's comin' back! It's Tom and Andy! OZZIE: Hey, Tom, Andy! Hey, fellas, how are the Penang dames? ANDY: Wonderful - I don't remember a thing! TOM: Awful! I remember everything! (Tom and Andy exit.) OZZIE: George Town women are dressed in silk and satin, Or so the fellas say; There's just one thing that's important in Pasir Panjang, When you have just one day; Gotta pick up a date... CHIP: Maybe seven... OZZIE: Or eight On your way. GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: In just one day! Penang, Penang, a wonderful place. Penang Hill's up, and there's plenty of space. One million tourists with ice cream on their face. Penang, Penang, it's a wonderful place!!!

26 June, 2006

The Hobbit - Part Three

'Hello,' said Bilbo to the creature.

'Ah,' said the thing. 'It speaks as well as sings. Doesn't it my precious.'

'Um, who are you speaking to?' asked Bilbo.

'It asks questions my precious. It wants to play the riddle game. Yes, it does, doesn't it my precious.'

'Yeah, sure, let's play the riddle game.'

'Oh, see, it does want to play precious. It wants to play, 'Who wants to be a millionaire' well, we don't have that game, do we precious. In fact, our copy of trivial pursuit floated away.'

'You had trivial pursuit?'

'Look, precious. It keeps asking questions. It wants to play, precious. Let's answer the question, then we get to ask it a question.'

'Wait a second. What are the rules to this game?'

'Oh, it wants to know the rules, precious. Yes, the rules,' then for the first time, the creature spoke directly to Bilbo. 'The rules are simple. First, you ask a question, if I can answer it, I get to ask a question. You then must answer the question. If we both get the question right, we can go to the gift shop. If one of us answers it incorrectly, then the other gets to eat them.'

'I don't think I want to play then,' said Bilbo.

'Why, precious, it doesn't want to play. What do we do now? Why, we eats him anyway!'

'Uh, if you're going to eat me anyway, I might as well play then,' said Bilbo backtracking.

'Now it wants to play again, precious,' said Gollum. 'Such a tricky little thing it is.'

'I'm not a thing,' said Bilbo. 'I'm a hobbit.'

'A hobbits, my precious. We have a hobbit,' said Gollum. 'Last hobbit I had was collecting stamps.'

'I think you'll find that was a hobby,' corrected Bilbo.

'A hobby is it, yes a nasty little hobbyist,' said Gollum. 'I also collect bones and make furniture from them. Nasty little hobbyist they'd all call me. Didn't they precious.'

'Ah, sure,' said Bilbo, who by this stage was too wary to correct the nasty little hobbyist.

'He gets to go first, doesn't he precious,' said Gollum. 'Go ahead, ask me a riddle.'

'Okay,' said Bilbo. 'a/s/l ???'

'Huh?' Gollum was perplex. 'What the frig sort of riddle is that, precious?'

'It's used in all the latest chat rooms,' said Bilbo. 'I'm always being asked it.'

'Ah, my precious. It thinks that because I live in the middle of a cold lake in the middle of a cave in the middle of a mountain that I don't get the Internet down here! Huh, loser it is my precious! Loser! The answer, nasty little hobbyist, is age, sex and location.'

Bilbo was taken aback. First, as he didn't think Gollum would have known what it meant, and second of all, because all this time he had thought it meant after, shave, lotion. He had been wondering why people started ignoring him when he replied 'Old Spice' to that question. Now, it all made sense in a weird sort of a way.

'Now my precious,' continued Gollum. 'I get to ask my riddle. What first slaps you on the butt, Second it grabs your willy and cuts, Third pulls your appendix from your gut, Often they marry some nurse who's a slut.'

'That's an easy one,' said Bilbo. 'The only people I know desperate enough to actually marry nurses are Doctors. Everyone else just uses them and throws them away! I have no idea what the other three lines were about though.'

'You idiot, nasty little hobbyist. The first line is when he slaps you when you are born. The second is when he circumcises you, the third is when he does an appendectomy on you. And my sister is a nurse. My brother in-law is an accountant, not a Doctor. Your logic is just so screwed up nasty little hobbyist.'

'Okay,' said Bilbo. 'I guess it must be gift shop time then.'

'It wants gifts my precious. Gift shop is all it thinks about. The stupid hobbyist. Okay, gift shop it is. Let's see what we have for gift shop. A nice fish head. Yes, my precious a nice fish head for the hobbyist. Also, some fish bones, a shell from a prawn, a rock and some nice cave mold I found earlier today. What do you wants from the gifts shop nasty hobbyist.'

'Ah, I might skip this one,' said Bilbo. Bilbo sat down in disgust. Gift shop was lousy. Not only did he not win any money, he didn't even get a shot at a cool car of some sort.

'I'm waiting, am I not my precious. Waiting for the nasty hobbyists next question. If it cannot ask a question, then we eat him by default.'

Bilbo suddenly noticed he was sitting on something. Something hard which poked into his butt check.

'What am I sitting on?' asked Bilbo.

'What's that? What did he say my precious? What is the Hobbyist sitting on? What sort of riddle is this? What can he be sitting on?'

Bilbo felt behind him, and realised it was not a normal stone. Whatever he had sat on, was man made. It was round, had a hole in it. He thought he'd found an undissolved lifesaver at first. He moved it through the water and washed the mud out from inside it. He soon realised from the feel that he'd discovered a ring.

'I give in nasty hobbyist. The best I can guess is you are sitting on your butt hole.'

'A ring!' said Bilbo proudly.

'I got it right then, my precious,' said Gollum cheerfully.

'No,' said Bilbo. 'I meant I was sitting on an actual ring.' He lifted the ring up from the water to show Gollum. Though it was too dark for Bilbo to see, he knew Gollum's eyes were adjusted to the dark.

'MY PRECIOUS!,' screamed Gollum.

Bilbo pulled his hand back, and slipped the ring on in one motion. He ran like crazy, not realising that he'd actually turned invisible. Gollum was close on his heals, and Bilbo realised he wasn't going to outrun the creature. He took the crimper in one hand, and prepared to do battle.

However, being invisible, Gollum ran straight over the top of him, like a professional rugby player running over the top of an under eights school boys debating team.

'MY PRECIOUS!' Bilbo could hear him crying out as he ran further on up the cave.

The Goblins further up the cave heard him coming and ran. This saved the life of Gandalf and the four Dwarves. Sleepy and Sleepy II had since been eaten by the Goblins.

Realising he'd run Bilbo over, Gollum moved to the only exit from the cave.

After untying themselves, Gandalf and the Dwarves made their way towards the exit. Imagine their surprise when they saw Gollum writhing in agony as the invisible Bilbo kicked the crap out of his balls!

Thus, Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves safely exited from the mountain.

Meanwhile in Mordor, an all seeing eye shifted it's gaze to the Misty Mountains. Fortunately for Bilbo, the eye did not have X-Ray vision yet, so was unable to see into the mountain where Bilbo had been wearing the ring.

25 June, 2006

The Hobbit - Part Two

The party of Ten arrived in Rivendell.

Along the way, Sneezy had sneezed and fell to his death. Well, actually, the fall didn't kill him, nor did the sudden stop at the end. He had sneezed, slipped off the side of the mountain and fallen about one hundred feet down. He safely landed in some bushes at the base of the mountain. Unfortunately, those bushes were the home of some rather annoyed vipers, who immediately bit him.

His last words were, 'Achoo! Ouch! Achoo! Ouch! Achoo! Ouch!' These were then ceremoniously added to his tombstone, which was thrown down the mountain to land on top of him, as no one wanted to retrieve his body from the vipers nest.

There was also another accident along the way involving Bashful, a prostitute and a great white shark. Unfortunately, no one really knew what Bashful and his hentai ways were about, as he was always too bashful to discuss them. The rest of the party had a difficult time getting the Japanese School Girls Uniform off the shark, but they were eventually able to. Getting Bashful and the Prostitute out from the sharks stomach was a more difficult feat though.

So it was, that the exhausted party of ten made it to Rivendell, home of the tree dwelling Bonobo Elves.

After an exhausting five days partying, the party of nine left Rivendell to continue their journey to the Lonely Mountains. Oh, I forgot to mention a slight incident, which some regard of little importance. During a drunken brawl, Doc and Homo threw Grumpy from the fifteenth story of one of the Elven Tree Bars. They maintain that Grumpy started it, with him being a violent drunk and all. Always so darn grumpy! Well, technically, not so grumpy now!

The elves breathed a sigh of relief and went about cleaning up what was left of their forest.

The party of nine camped inside a huge cave called ,'Warning! Don't enter here, Goblins!'

They all agreed it was an unusual name for a cave, but, it was out of the elements and they could build a nice big fire in there.

Gandalf lit up a big pipe, and started passing it around. Soon, all the dwarves and Bilbo were being entertained with dancing figure on the roof, and weird colourful animals doing strange things.

As they dozed off, they didn't notice the strange lurking figures at the back of the cave. While they slept, the Goblins slipped in and tied them all up with cat 5 cable. They took them deeper into the bowels of the mountain, which smelt as bad as they sounded.

Bilbo's sword began to glow red.

'Psst,' said Bilbo.

'No,' replied Dopehead. 'Just stoned man!'

'I'm not asking if you're drunk,' said Bilbo. 'I was trying to get your attention. What's it mean when the sword glows red?'

'Oh,' said Doc. 'That means we've been tied up with cat 5 cable by goblins.'

'Ah,' said Bilbo. 'That's not good is it?'

'Not really,' said Doc. 'Look what they're doing to “Happy Being Homo”.'

Doc motioned his head over to where some goblins were busy doing strange torturous acts to him.

'Lucky bugger,' said Homo.

'Here,' said Doc. 'Move closer Bilbo, I have a crimper in my belt. It might be just what we need to cut through the cat 5 cable.'

Bilbo moved closer and began to fiddle about in Doc's belt.

'I've got something for you too,' said Homo to Bilbo.

'You want me to rummage around in your belt as well?' Bilbo asked.

'Um,' confessed Homo. 'Maybe, a little lower.'

'I've found the crimper!' exclaimed Bilbo as he hauled it out of Doc's belt. He managed to get the crimper in place and cut the cat 5 cable that was around his wrists. He then used it on the cat 5 around his ankles.

'Hey,' said Fister, one of the Goblins. 'That ones got free.'

Bilbo had little time to react. He leapt to his feet and ran through the dark, blind deeper into the cave.

'Darn!' exclaimed Doc. 'That was the only crimper I had. Hey Homo, mind if I try to get your crimper out of your pants?'

'Be my guest, big boy!' said Homo excitedly.

As Bilbo ran through the cave, he suddenly noticed a steep decline, and before he could stop himself fell face first into a cold underground lake.

He could hear the goblins chasing him suddenly stop.

'Oh, gees,' said Fingers, another one of the Goblins. 'He's a goner now. Iggy Pops going to get him.'

'Iggy Pop?' asked Fister. 'You mean that anorexic thing that eats Goblins for breakfast?'

'Nah!' said Fingers. 'You're thinking of the punk rocker. I'm talking about that thing that lives in the lake.'

'Oh, that's even worse!'

So it was that Bilbo, cold, lonely and in the dark, had escaped the Goblins. In the distance he heard the strange splish splashing of something coming towards him, and a voice singing.

'Here comes johnny yen again With the liquor and drugs And the flesh machine He's gonna do another strip tease. Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion? Ive been hurting since Ive bought the gimmick About something called love Yeah, something called love. Well, thats like hypnotizing chickens.'

'Man,' thought Bilbo. 'That's a pretty weird song. I don't think I've heard that one before. I might sing one of the old songs from the Shire and see if he sings along.

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?'

'Hmmm,' said the voice from the darkness. 'What do we have here my precious? A singer in the dark. We must meet the singer, mustn't we precious. Must be good host to the singer, eh, precious.'

Bilbo heard the splashing come towards him, till it stopped next to him, and he could feel it's breath on his neck. He could smell the rotten fish smell coming from it's mouth. The odour almost made him chuck on the spot.

RAAF School Penang

The year was 1970 ... yeah, I know most of you weren't even born yet. There I was, excited. My first day of school. I'd been to the Kindergarten, which was a little up the road from where we lived, but today I was going to the BIG KIDS school! Well, big kids compared to me ... it was actually Pre-school. My first recollection of the day, was the big kids on the school bus flicking bits of paper at each other with rubber bands! OUCH! In the picture below, I'm in the front row, second from the right. One of the first things I learnt at school, was that when other guys kick you in the nuts, it hurts! I'm in the front row of the next picture, first on left, surname spelt incorrectly. One of the second things I learnt, was life wasn't just. Once when standing in line, the guy in front of me (and I can't remember who it was), grabbed me by my nuts, and I doubled over in pain. This of course made me accidentally reverse into the guy behind me, causing him to double over too. So, in spite of the fact I was the one who had been injured, I was the one who got into trouble for it. Here is another interesting fact. I went to school with a girl called Wendy Felsch. We later went to school together in South Australia (Smithfield Plains High). When we were about fourteen or fifteen, her and another girl tried to pull my pants off at a party. I fought them both off bravely. [When I say I fought them both off, I mean the girls, not my trouser legs!] :-) Anyway, as James mentioned in a previous comment, there was a RAAF radio station. This was stationed over at Butterworth. My brother Jeff just saw what I was writing, and he said, 'Do you know what I remember of Penang?' I said, 'You're "I am a Hippy" Underpants?' 'Nope, nothing.' Well, Jeff was born in Penang and was only about two when we left. My sister Angella was also born in Penang. She'd remember even less. Anyway, my life in Penang was full of wonder. We used to like to go into the hills at the back of the house and get bits of cardboard and slide down the grass terraces. Many a time I got a nasty grass cut from the long grass there. OUCH. I used to like catching butterflies in my butterfly nets. Flying kites. Riding my bike up and down the road. There was an old river bed up in the hills where we could get clay from to makes stuff with. Near there were heaps of monkeys that lived in the trees and chatted away. The constant chater used to scare me a bit, and I bet if a monkey had of come anywhere near me, I probably would have freaked out and ran away! Once, when we were up in the hills, a cobra came towards us. We had climbed into the hill with a heap of wood in order to make a cubby house. As we all ran to get away from the cobra, I remember everyone yelling, 'Get the wood! Get the wood!' I was the smallest, and as such was coming last. So, as we all got down to the street, everyone blamed me for not stopping and picking up the wood. Like sure, if the cobra was chasing us (which it most probably wasn't), then who would it have got to and bitten first? ME!!!! lol Anyway, my elder brother and one of his friends went back later and retreived the wood. Still, I was blamed for being a coward who didn't stop to get all the wood! Grrrr! That'll teach me not to run faster than everyone else! :-) Another one of our favourite past times was playing British Bulldog (also called Red Rover, Bull rush and many other names). We had quite a few girls who would also play the game. The funny thing is, every now and then, a new girl would come along and insist on playing. We'd always try to talk them out of it. Only, they'd insist on playing. End result, they'd play, get tackled, run home crying and we'd get told the game was banned! Same thing happened at several schools I attended. lol Another thing we loved to play was Softball. I was alway sgood to get to first base, and we'd have the big hitter come in after me, and he'd hit a home run and we'd both score! w00t! The other thing I played was soccer. But, that's not that exciting. I remembered we'd mainly play against each other, but every now and then we'd play against the Malay school. The thing I remember most about the field there, was it had no grass and the ground was hard as concrete! OUCH! Somewhere in Penang is a soccer field with DNA from my kneecaps on it ... well, my DNA has probably broken down now, and there's probably grass there now ... so, part of me will always be in Penang! :-)

24 June, 2006

The Hobbit - Part One

Once there was a hobbit, who lived in a hole. His name was Bilbo. He wanted to move to the big block of apartments near by, but unfortunately didn't have a deposit, nor could he get a bank loan. One day, Gandalf the local bank loans officer dropped by his house. 'Good morning,' said Bilbo. 'Hi, I'm here to offer you a home loan,' replied Gandalf. 'You're kidding me!' exclaimed Bilbo. 'I have no money, no job and I live in a hole!' 'That's right,' replied Gandalf. 'I'm also going to offer you several credit cards. What you do, is you borrow the money from the credit cards till you have enough for a deposit. Then, you get a loan and buy a house. You just need to sign, here, here, here and here.' 'This sounds a little dodgy,' said Bilbo. 'What happens when I can't pay the loan back?' 'We take your house,' said Gandalf. 'And you're safely back in your hole.' 'I don't like the sound of that!' cried Bilbo. 'It's okay,' said Gandalf. 'There is insurance.' 'And that stops me losing my new home?' 'Ah, no, that stops us losing it.' 'Um, so what do I get out of it?' 'Well, if you sign all these papers, I open a deposit account for you with fifty dollars in it.' 'Kewl! I can eat!' Gandalf then stayed for dinner, and scratched a secret mark on the door. The next day, twelve Dwarves rocked up to take Bilbo to his new house. There names were Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, SleepyII, Grumpy, Homo, Happy, Happy being Homo and Dopehead. The other two were Unimportant, and As Such Won't Be Named. A Thirteenth Dwarf then rocked up with Gandalf and thirty naked dancing girls. They had a huge bucks night in Bilbo's new house and trashed the place. Unimportant, the eleventh dwarf decided to clean up the place before the set off on an adventure. As Such Won't Be Named, the twelfth dwarf tried glueing one of the naked dancing girls to himself, but was unsuccessful, as she woke up and ran away. 'Well,' said Gandalf. 'Looks like that was a great bucks night.' 'Um,' interrupted Bilbo. 'Which Dwarf was getting married?' 'Oh, we didn't invite him,' said Doc. 'We hate him. In fact, we're going to invade his home and steal all his stuff.' 'And have sex with his maid,' said Dopehead. 'And eat his dog,' said Grumpy. The other dwarves look at him in a strange way. 'What?' asked Grumpy. 'You've never been so hungry you ate a dog before?' 'We don't have much time,' said Gandalf. 'We're going to Vegas and raiding a casino.' 'Just like in Ocean's Eleven?' asked Happy. 'No, this is more dangerous,' said Gandalf. 'This treasure is protected by a huge dragon. Homo, pass me the map.' Homo placed a huge map on Bilbo's table over the top of one of the naked dancing girls. 'You see here,' said Gandalf poking the naked dancing girl in the boob. 'These are the mountains of madness!' 'Um, you've missed the map, Gandalf,' said Happy. 'Oh, so I have!' The naked dancing girl giggled and rolled over taking half the map with her. 'Did you mean here by any chance?' asked Happy being Homo pointing at a place on the map. 'Ah, yeah, that'll do,' said Gandalf. 'Here is where the casino is located. Owned by the Dragon Snuffy!' 'Um, you mean Smaug?' corrected Sleepy II. 'Shut up and go back to sleep!' Gandalf exclaimed with some venom in his voice. 'We're going here, to the mountains of madness.' 'Isn't it the lonely mountains?' asked Sleepy. 'Didn't I just tell you to go back to sleep?' 'That was SleepyII,' said Sleepy. 'Darn your parents for naming you and your brother with the same name!' exclaimed Gandalf. The naked dancing girls got paid by Gandalf and left. The rest of the party then set off on their adventure. The fifteen of them were gleefully walking along, when they suddenly decided to stop, make a camp and eat a lot of food. That night, three trolls wandered into their camp. 'Urgh,' said Boulderballs the troll. 'I smell Dwarves.' 'Urgh,' said Chinpokorock. 'I smell a human.' 'Urgh,' said Copulite. 'I smell like teenspirit.' Sleepy, who was on guard duty suddenly awoke. 'Aw, gees!' he exclaimed. 'Why do I always fall asleep? I better warn the others! HEY! WATCH OUT! TROLLS!' Gandalf was quick to react. He turned on some flashing coloured lights and flicked the switch on his boom box. 'Ah,' he said. 'Nice trolls. We welcome you to the Dwarven Discotheque. First drink is on the house.' 'We didn't come here to dance,' said Copulite. 'Well,' Said Gandalf. 'Have a drink first on the house. It's special liquid guarana, with added caffeine! Take a table close to the dance floor and start looking the dwarves over. I make a nice barbecued dwarf.' The trolls accepted the drinks and soon were so wide awake and babbling that they'd almost forgotten they were hungry. Gandalf kept plying them with guarana drinks and caffeine, which luckily kept them full. 'What's that?' asked Boulderballs as the first flickers of the suns rays came over the horizon. 'Looks sort of bright and ...' Chinpokorock didn't have a chance to finish, as all three trolls turned to stone. The sun does that to them. They have very sensitive skin, just like rock musicians. As the sun rose, they noticed the cave where the Trolls had lived. Gandalf phoned one of his real estate friends who paid him a nice spotters fee. Bilbo and the dwarves wandered into the cave for a look. 'Wow,' said Bilbo as he picked up a sword. 'I'm like, a Samurai dude!' He swished it around and accidentally sliced Unimportant's head off. 'Um,' he sheepishly asked. 'I'm not going to get into trouble for that, am I?' 'Don't worry about it,' said Gandalf. 'He was Unimportant you know!' 'I see you've got a magic sword,' said Happy. Bilbo swung around to face him and accidentally hit him in the head. 'Um,' said Bilbo. 'It was an accident. You all saw it. It was an accident I tell you.' 'It's okay,' said Gandalf. 'He died Happy.' 'Well,' said Dopehead, who was quick enough to seize Bilbo's arm as he swung to face him. 'What Happy was trying to say before his untimely demise, is you have a magic sword. It glows blue in the presence of turkeys.' 'It's been glowing blue since I picked it up,' said Bilbo. 'See,' said Homo. 'Proof of concept.' So, the party of Twelve set off again. Reduced to twelve as no one had noticed Boulderballs chewing on As Such Won't Be Named earlier in the night.

23 June, 2006

Nicole & Keith

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will be getting married or something in Sydney sometime soon. With World Cup fever hitting Oz, these are the questions most Aussies on the street have been asking, and I'm here to answer them. What colour strip will each side be wearing? Nicole will probably be in white, this is to aid sports fans who are still viewing on black and white TV's. She is also the home side, so she gets to chose. The rest of her side will probably be wearing a different coloured strip. Keith's team will likely be in black. Who is on the Kidman team? The Kidman team will consist of her sister, Antonia, & her friend Naomi Watts. Rebecca Rigg might be a substitute incase either of the first two get injured. She might make an appearance on the side at the halfway mark. Who is coaching the Kidman side? There is rumours that Baz Luhrman will be coaching Nicole's team. He's coached her before in a Chanel commercial and she scored a goal in the famous Moulin Rouge match. Will Kidman be wearing a false nose? Well, as most remember, she scored big time in 'The Hours' while wearing a false nose. In this match however, she won't be wearin one, preferign to go 'Au Natural' with her own nose. Russell Crowe will be there, what do you think he will bring to the match? Probably a phone. If you hear me yell 'Duck', then do so! Rupert Murdoch will be there! That's a statement and not a question. Who will score first? Probably the striper the night before. Is Nicole suffering Pre-Match nerves? It's been reported that nicole says she has no pre-match gitters. Will Nicole play for Australia one day? I hope not. She's a crap soccer player!

Why Not ... 3 meme!

Name 3 schools you went to: 1. RAAF School Penang 2. Wanneroo High (Perth) 3. Woolooware high (Sydney) Name 3 things in your wallet: 1. Money 2. Visa Card 3. Business Card Name 3 things you always wear: 1. Underpants 2. T-Shirts 3. Jeans Name 3 things you do when you are really stressed: 1. Vomit 2. Blur 3. Vomit blood Name 3 places you go to on a daily basis: 1. Bedroom 2. Toilet 3. Home Office Name 3 things you like to do: 1. Blog 2. Play Games (computer, Board, Card, Miniatures ... maybe others) 3. Play guitar Name 3 favourite fruits: 1. Banana 2. Rambutan 3. Peaches Name 3 things you are addicted to: 1. Internet 2. Pizza 3. Guitar Name 3 of your hobbies: 1. Music 2. Drawing / Painting 3. Writing Name 3 goals in 2006: 1. Make Money 2. Stay in Business 3. Finish Writing Perry Pooter Name 3 plans for next the 3 weeks: 1. Work 2. Write 3. Watch more soccer (is it possible?) :-) Nicknames you go by: 1. Bear 2. Dabido 3. Legend Name 3 things you are wearing right now: 1. Socks 2. Shoes 3. Underpants Name 3 things you want in a relationship: 1. Love 2. Understanding 3. Deep and Meaningful Discussions Name 3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: 1. Nice Face 2. Nice Butt 3. Intellligence Name 3 people whom I would like to see answer this survey: 1. John Lennon 2. George Harrison 3. Stu Sutcliffe

22 June, 2006

Please Donate To the World Oil Crisis

Snark, this one's for you! :-) With the World Oil Crisis deepening, we would like you to donate for the retraining of animals for the betterment of humans around the world.

Dr Seuss

Before Titoki removed her site, she asked us to write some captions for her pictures ... well, the pictures are gone ... this was my attempt. Congrates to Simple American for winning the little competition. Anyway, here was my poem I wrote for the pics. Not quite as funny without the pictures. So, use your imagination! :-) The Dr Seuss version: Pic One: In the driveway, the new car sat, With it's new owner, the girl in the hat. The car wanted to drive, it wanted to play, But the girl in the hat stood in it's way. Pic Two: 'If you want to drive, inside you must sit,' Said the new car to the hat girls arm pit. Pic Three: At the back door, stood the girl in the hat, You can't drive a car, when you're standing like that! Pic Four: The car got real angry, in fact it was cut, Cause that girl in the hat had her hand on his butt! Pic Five: Said the new car, 'This is not what I seek, That girl is now standing, with us cheek to cheek!' Pic Six: The girl in the hat, stood holding his visor, But as for a drive, He was non the wiser. Pic Seven: So the girl in the hat, stood out the front, 'I've had enough of this girl, I'll run over this runt.' With pedal to metal he shifted his stick, Changed into gear and ran over the chick. The camera person, just wasn't that quick, So I'm sorry to say, there isn't a pic!

PAIN!!! & Keltoi Horoscopus!

I'm in considerable pain today. Woke up with a swollen right hand, and it hurts, hurts, hurts!!!! Hurts in the joints and the bones (not that you can have pain in the bones, as there is no nerves in there ... but it feels that way ...). In particular, it's the middle finger feeling the most pain! Argh!!!!
Took my mother shopping for things ... because let's face it, even though I have a business to run, no one in my family takes it seriously, so they all think I am free to be their chauffeurs and run errands for them ... grrr.
Anyway, while out having a look around, discovered some thing which raved on about Celtic Horoscopes. I didn't know there was such a thing. I liked what the thing in the store said about me [being an Ash Tree] ... but ... it was different to this, and this:
You Are An Ash Tree
You are vivacious and impulsive, which makes you extremely attractive to many. Intelligent and demanding, you don't care much for criticism. You have a ton of ambition and talent, and sometimes money rules your heart. You like to play with fate, and you can be very egotistical and restless. Demanding of attention, you need love and a lot of emotional support.
So, three slightly different things regarding the Ash Tree. I liked the fact that the thing in the store said my animal sign was the Owl, and that I was patient and Wise. This one is slightly different again: You are very intuitive and would make a marvellous teacher. Your wamth opens doors for you, and you are good at using your charm and grace to bring people round to your point of view. Time is on your side and will help you on your way to success. You need an original partner, someone who broke the mould and is able to put plenty of energy into seducing you. Looking into the future, you want a small family, which leaves you the freedom to do your own thing. This year will be a year when you take positive steps, start fruitful relationships which are made to last. Then, there is this one:

ASH TREE (the Ambition)

uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.
I guess this gives me something else not to believe in. One thing I notice about all my different 'horoscope' signs, is that whether I am looking at the traditional Greek zodiac 'Horoscope' or the Chinese one, or the Celtic one, almost all my signs say I am intelligent and highly communicative and stuff. I guess if you want people to believe in stuff, you're not going to say: The sign of the leach is for peopel born between the 5th of this month and the 4th of that month. Leach peopel are stupid, ignorant and smell ... Because, if you said things like that, peopel just won't want to believe! lol One of my friends once proved something to me. He sat and read out the SunSign descriptions of starsigns [ie the normal Greek Zodiac ones], and asked me if I felt it related to me. Regardless of which one he read, I could relate in some way or form ... let's face it, those things are written to be general enough to relate to almost anyone. I was reading through the Celtic Horoscope as well [all based on trees], and felt the same thing. I can relate to a lot of the different things for each different 'tree' [or sign]. rofl. Like I've said, I've discovered something new not to believe in!
What tree are you guys?

21 June, 2006

Ten Top Trivia Tips About Dabido!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about dabido!

  1. The original nineteenth-century Coca-Cola formula contained dabido
  2. By tradition, a girl standing under dabido cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege!
  3. Most bottles and jars contain at least twenty-five percent recycled dabido!
  4. All of the roles in Shakespeare's plays - including the female roles - were originally played by dabido.
  5. You should always store dabido in an airtight container in the fridge.
  6. The fingerprints of dabido are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
  7. Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and dabido has 7.
  8. Scientists believe that dabido began billions of years ago as an enormous ball of dust and gas.
  9. Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of dabido in your ear 700 times.
  10. dabido can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.
I am interested in - do tell me about
I stole this ... I mean borrowed this, from Laksa's site. The funny thing was, after this was generated, I realised that it was all true! :-)

20 June, 2006

When I get back to it ...

As a few of you have realised, the World Cup has slowed me up a bit ... working during the day, watching football at night ... and never eating right or sleeping ... daggnammit! lol Here is the old list resurrected on what I was going to blog about. Perry Pooter (Harry Potter send up) is part of the way through.
  1. Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine.
  2. Hobbit Send up
  3. Wuthering Heights send up
  4. Dabido and the Aliens from Mars
I might stick the Lord of the Rings in One Thousand and Six words or less into a PDF as well for download. [Don't let me forget!] :-) As per normal, I'll put the question out there - ask me to blog on anything ... I'll invent a silly story or something. NOTE: It DOESN'T HAVE to be a send up! In the major redesign of this blog, I'm going to try to get some buttons down the side to link to some form of index for eveything so far. Not easy in Blogger, as it doesn't have that sort of support, but I have an idea of how to do it. :-)

Psyche and Eros - EBook

Sorry for the lack of updates. Was very busy with the World Cup, Work and preparing the Psyche and Eros EBook for all to download. The link above connects you to the Psyche and Eros story in EBook form. Within the ebook is permission to copy and distribute the work to friends, neighbours, your enemies (if you think it's that bad), that guy that calls you Bill all the time ... anyone. I have stuck a copyright notice on the front page, as well as the 'Permission to copy and distribute' bit on the contents page. Basically, you can't charge money to copy or distribute this ebook, but you can share if for free. When I get back to Perry Pooter, I'll try and do something similar for that as well. I'll probably make a button for it, and stick it and other ebook buttons in the sidebar once I get around to my major overhaul of the site. For those who didn't read the story, or who can't be bothered going back and looking through the blog for it all, well, the ebook is there for you to download. :-)

17 June, 2006

A Little Late ... but done! :-)

Thanks to Pinacolada for this meme. Apologies for taking so long to get to it. 10 years ago I was:

  • 31 years old
  • Married
  • Working two jobs and bringing in a LOT of money [pity the ex and her BF ran off with it all!]
  • 63 KG [as opposed to almost 100KG today!]
  • Got all High Distinction at University for all my 1996 subjects.
5 years ago I was:
  • Living in Sydney - I'd spent part of the previous year travelling around Europe ... I miss Europe.
  • Went Scuba diving with Hammerhead sharks
  • Went mountainbike riding through rainforests
  • Bought myself a Guitar for my 36th B'day, and had a great B'Day party where I paid for everyones pizzas and got to serenade a Japanese Girl named Momoko. :-)
  • Working thirteen plus hours each day, but management kept calling me lazy.
1 year ago I was:
  • Doing volunteer work for the local Police and Citizens Youth Centre
  • Wondering what to do with my life
  • Writing a lot on my blog ... so nothings changed
  • Wishing I was anywhere but here in Perth.
  • Painting, writing, doing the starving artist thing.
Yesterday I was:
  • Helping my mother clean the spare room and taking her to the dentist
  • Seeing clients about more work.
  • Extremely tired from World Cup Blur/Fatigue/ whatever you wanna call it
  • Wishing I was anywhere except Perth
  • Reading too many blogs, and designed a Banner for someone's blog. [If they want it].
5 most recent songs I listened to:
  • Am I Not Pretty Enough For You - Casey Chambers
  • Highway 64 / Hope Wish Pray / Kryptonite / Calamine Lotion Boy - all by Pippa Drysdale
  • Dark Side of the Moon Album - Pink Floyd
  • Vertigo - U2
  • Icarus Wings / Slow Fuse / plus numerous other songs - my own [aka by Dabido].
5 songs I know all the words to:
  • Most Pink FloydSongs
  • Most Led Zepplin Songs
  • Most Beatle Songs
  • Most of my Own Songs
  • Most Nirvana Songs
5 ideal places for runing away to:
  • Firenzi [Florence], Italy [Yes, I love this place! Anyone want to run away there with me?]
  • Japan
  • South America
  • Europe
  • Asia/Africa/Antarctica/Sydney/Oceania ... lets face it, I wanna go everywhere possible
5 items I really want:
  • HUGE Italian Villa
  • Loving Wife
  • Children
  • A better looking body
  • A dream job as an artist, musician, writer, etc
5 things I should be doing right now:
  • Sleeping
  • Exercising
  • Cleaning my office space up
  • Helping My Mother
  • Designing my GIMP2 Course
5 biggest joys in life:
  • Over Acheiving
  • Being Loved
  • Being Stressless
  • Being Creative
  • Playing Guitar
5 people I tag:
  • You Can
  • Grab This
  • If You
  • Wish To
  • Do It

Psyche and Eros - Part Sixteen

After debating the issue for a month (yeah, they did add a pay rise for deities on to the end of bill), they voted and it was past unanimously. Eros and Psyche could get married, as per Athena's bill of 6200 B.C. Record number A44 Z333078, which was recorded in triplicate, signed and sent to the gods of bureaucracy for storage and to be uploaded onto the net on the .gods intranet for all to see.

Hermes was sent to fetch Psyche in order to sip from the cup of immortality. Knowing it would unite her and Eros forever, she did so willingly.

The marriage was quickly organised at her father's palace, in the temple of Aphrodite. Everyone who was anyone was there. Famous poets, play writes, actors, beasts who eat heroes, heroes, kings, queens, some more heroes, gods, goddesses, a winged horse, a sphinx, some guy who sniffs glue out the back of the local seven eleven, oracles from Delphi and one of Zeus's burps which had created a life of it's own.

It was an A-list wedding to end all weddings. Psyche looked beautiful in her white dress. Eros looked fabulous in his bright Hawaiian board shorts, red Hibiscus shirt and flip flops.

The ceremony was wonderful, and even though most didn't understand Zeus's surfer talk, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was now true, that Eros (LOVE) would never ever again be separated from Psyche (THE SOUL). Which is why, when we fall in love, it effects us to our very souls.

After the ceremony was over, the very proud King was helping his servants clean up the temple.

'Who are you?' he asked a strange ugly man standing in the middle of the temple.

'Oh, my name is Dabido,' said Dabido.

'Really?' the King asked. 'What are you doing here?'

'Oh, about a year ago I was told to come here by Aphrodite herself. She promised I'd have the worlds most beautiful woman fall in love with me.'

'Oh,' said the King. 'I suspect she's forgotten about you then.'

'Really?' asked Dabido. 'How do you know that?'

'Well, mate. You just saw that wonderful wedding?'


'Well, that was her. Only, she married the god Eros.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yep,' said the King, who then explained the entire story to Dabido.

'Well, I guess that's it then,' said Dabido.

'I guess that is it,' replied the King. 'So, what you gonna do about it?'

'I guess I'll go home and blog about it,' said Dabido.

'That sounds like a mighty fine idea,' said the King.

Dabido then turned and left. Which, my friends, explains the story you just read, and concludes the explanation as to why I don't have a girl friend. :-)

16 June, 2006

Psyche and Eros - Part Fifteen

'Ahem,' said Hermes. 'If I may be so bold as to suggest that Athena take the floor.'

'Athena?' asked Zeus. 'My daughter, the computer nerd? Like, a total Thelma of the gods. Man, that's a heavy ask.'

'Excuse my suggestion,' said Hermes. 'But, she does have nine degrees, three masters and two doctorates. As the only one of us actually with pieces of papers, called Credentials, she really is the only one qualified to work this all out.'

The rest of the gods had no idea what Hermes had said, but they had to admit that he was usually right on these sorts of things.

'#!, 45 1337 45 1 m4y 533M, 1 N0 5um 0f U h4v3 d1ff1cu17y und3r574nd1ng m3.'

Hermes translated. 'She said, that as incredibly intelligent as she is, she knows that most of you don't understand a word she says.'

'You can thhhay that again,' said Dionysus. 'Thesthhhe stttthhmart chicks pithhh me orfff talkin' ovfffer my head!'

'Mi 5ugg35710n 2 U 411, !5 w3 4110w p5yc#3 2 dr!Nk fr0m t#3 cUp 0f !mm0r741!7y'

'Athena suggests,' said Hermes. 'That we allow Psyche to sip from the cup of immortality, thus making her immortal like us. As she would no longer be a mortal, Aphrodite can have no problem with Eros marrying her. Thus, Psyche will become as we are, and the marriage would be legitimate in the eyes of the assembly of god, goddesses and assorted immortal souls.'

'You thhhinksth you're tho sthmart,' said Dionysus. 'If I had my way, I'd makth you scweem like a pigth!'

'Yeah, sure you could,' said Athena as she poked her spear through Dionysus' right testicle.

The rest of the gods and goddesses broke into talk at the suggestion. It seemed to satisfy everyones needs.

15 June, 2006

Go Blue Kurt!

Kurt is trying to decide which colour to go this summer ... my vote is blue (the pic still has the kurtlow.com still left on it!) :-)

Psyche and Eros - Part Fourteen

So it was that at dawn the next day, all the gods and goddess had assembled, though no one asked how it was that Apollo, the sun god, was there, when he was supposed to be riding his golden chariot across the sky. In theory, there shouldn't have been dawn if he wasn't doing his thing. If they had of asked, they would have discovered that it had now been outsourced to India, and was running on a Linux System. No one wanted to run the risk of the thing blue screening at night. That'd just be too confusing!

'Dudes, Bettys, Barneys, Gidgets and assembled brodads,' Zeus started. 'I assembled you here at the beach, man, in order to test the brain waves you might be, like, sending out across the Universe. You know, like, I wanna catch some of those brain waves in sorting out something before it becomes a complete wipe out. I speak of course, about the young grommit, Eros, and his total Betty, Psyche. He's like, totally trying to catch this ride, and like, to him it's the best set his seen. He don't wanna wait for a better set, cause he knows, perfect conditions only ever happen on a Wednesday, and this is his big Wednesday! So, I don't want nothing bogus, just cool karma loving suggestions?'

At this point, Hermes translated for everyone.

'Ahem, Ladies and Gentlemen,' Hermes said. 'It has come to Zeus's attention that Eros has fallen in love with the mortal female, Psyche. As Eros is a god, and Psyche a mortal, some people may be looking down upon this union. He is opening a forum here, for all to discuss any method out of this dilemma. Thank you.'

'I say we kill her,' said Hades. 'Death solves all problems.'

'I dithagree,' said Dionysus. 'I thay we get her drunk *hick* and bonk her brainsth out.'

'That's your answer to everything, isn't it Dionysus!' exclaimed Demeter. 'I say we nurture their love. Like plants, they need mulch to grow. I say we bury them both in manure in order for this to happen.'

'They're not plants,' said Hephaestus. 'It's very obvious to me. What we do is melt them down in a furnace and I'll beat the impurities out of them.'

'Now you're just being silly Hephaestus,' said Ares. 'I say we get a Trojan prince to kidnap her and take her back to Troy. Then, we can get the Greeks to build a huge fleet and sail to Troy and smash it to bits!'

'Look, dudes!' said Poseidon interrupting. 'You're sliding off the top and missing the wave. What we need is to get the Betty and her beau together in the back of the same car. Know what I'm saying? Like, if you want to fix the thing, they gotta be riding the same board to tube glory. Let's make them ride the tube together.'

'I have no idea what you just said,' said Aphrodite. 'But, Eros is my son, and I'm not having some mortal floozy get her talons into him.'

All the gods and goddess then tried to interrupt each other to push their ideas.

'Kill her!' ... 'Let's make war!' ... 'Get her drunk!' ... 'Who took my burger?' ... 'Marry them off' ... 'Put them both in manure' ... 'She's not even immortal' ... 'I'm a Lesbian!' ... 'Turn her into a deer and hunt her down!' ... 'Can I get a refill of my wine?' ... 'Stick them both in a dark room!' ... 'Make them both design and maintain a WAN!' ... 'Stick them on big brother!'

'SILENCE! Take a break peoples!' cried out Zeus. 'I'm like, hearing stuff, but I haven't heard anything that floats my board!'

It seemed hopeless.

14 June, 2006

You Know You've Been Watching Too Much World Cup ...

Twenty Reasons: You know as a blogger that you've been watching too much World Cup when ... 1. You go to a blog, and can't remember who the owner of the blog is. This is especially embarrassing when it is called www.[bloggers name].com, and you still are unsure where you are. 2. You start to fall asleep during work ... more than normal. You dream you are a butterfly who dreams he is a soccer player dreaming he is a butterball. 3. You wonder why your comment from the previous day has disappeared. You are furious that they've deleted it. You click on 'comments' and write a scathing attack on censorship only to find your comment was always there ... It's your own blog. 4. You know you read the post yesterday that you are now reading ... it's all familiar, as you read it you remember it all ... except, you have to keep reading, as you can't remember how it ended! 5. People complain your comments are making sense. 6. People complain you aren't writing as much ... okay, only some of us write that much ... lol 7. You write love comments in someones comment box ... you hope it is someone you like/know. 8. You write a duplicate comment ... twelve hours apart. 9. You reply to your own comments, disagreeing with your last opinion and calling yourself names! 10. You hallucinate that you are not a blogger but a soccer player named Dabidiniho. 11. You have a different team in every game ... sometimes changing allegiance halfway through the match, or even every ten minutes. 12. Your score predictions start to come true. Even the stupid ones. This is even true when the score is somewhat removed from what you wrote on someone elses blog. 13. You know every player on every team, where they were born, what club they play for, their position on the field, their prefered foot and their mothers maiden name. 14. You are so blur, you can only read the clock in terms of Kick-off game 1, Kick-off Game 2, Kick-off Game 3. 15. Daytime is work time, night time is soccer time ... somewhere in between is eat time and going to the toilet time ... there used to be a sleep time, but it is now only a distant memory. 16. You now know every teams national anthem, including the words regardless of the language it is written in. 17. You breath a sigh of relief when one of your usuals hasn't updated. Instead of 'UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!' you write in their comments, 'THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!' 18. The person you wrote love letters to replies ... you still aren't sure who they are ... but they speak Swahili, are the son / daughter of a recently deposed President and want to send you $1 million provided you open a bank account for them. 19. A meme is like the worst exam you've ever taken in your life. You wonder why you never crammed for it the night before! You still don't remember which teacher set these questions or what subject you were studying to get it. 20. You can't remember which teams were playing in the matches the night before, but it was either Brazingland Verses Crotogo or was Mexatina and South Frintaly. You ask someone and they assure you it was Cote Angnegro Versus Portukraguay.