The Hobbit - Part Two

The party of Ten arrived in Rivendell.

Along the way, Sneezy had sneezed and fell to his death. Well, actually, the fall didn't kill him, nor did the sudden stop at the end. He had sneezed, slipped off the side of the mountain and fallen about one hundred feet down. He safely landed in some bushes at the base of the mountain. Unfortunately, those bushes were the home of some rather annoyed vipers, who immediately bit him.

His last words were, 'Achoo! Ouch! Achoo! Ouch! Achoo! Ouch!' These were then ceremoniously added to his tombstone, which was thrown down the mountain to land on top of him, as no one wanted to retrieve his body from the vipers nest.

There was also another accident along the way involving Bashful, a prostitute and a great white shark. Unfortunately, no one really knew what Bashful and his hentai ways were about, as he was always too bashful to discuss them. The rest of the party had a difficult time getting the Japanese School Girls Uniform off the shark, but they were eventually able to. Getting Bashful and the Prostitute out from the sharks stomach was a more difficult feat though.

So it was, that the exhausted party of ten made it to Rivendell, home of the tree dwelling Bonobo Elves.

After an exhausting five days partying, the party of nine left Rivendell to continue their journey to the Lonely Mountains. Oh, I forgot to mention a slight incident, which some regard of little importance. During a drunken brawl, Doc and Homo threw Grumpy from the fifteenth story of one of the Elven Tree Bars. They maintain that Grumpy started it, with him being a violent drunk and all. Always so darn grumpy! Well, technically, not so grumpy now!

The elves breathed a sigh of relief and went about cleaning up what was left of their forest.

The party of nine camped inside a huge cave called ,'Warning! Don't enter here, Goblins!'

They all agreed it was an unusual name for a cave, but, it was out of the elements and they could build a nice big fire in there.

Gandalf lit up a big pipe, and started passing it around. Soon, all the dwarves and Bilbo were being entertained with dancing figure on the roof, and weird colourful animals doing strange things.

As they dozed off, they didn't notice the strange lurking figures at the back of the cave. While they slept, the Goblins slipped in and tied them all up with cat 5 cable. They took them deeper into the bowels of the mountain, which smelt as bad as they sounded.

Bilbo's sword began to glow red.

'Psst,' said Bilbo.

'No,' replied Dopehead. 'Just stoned man!'

'I'm not asking if you're drunk,' said Bilbo. 'I was trying to get your attention. What's it mean when the sword glows red?'

'Oh,' said Doc. 'That means we've been tied up with cat 5 cable by goblins.'

'Ah,' said Bilbo. 'That's not good is it?'

'Not really,' said Doc. 'Look what they're doing to “Happy Being Homo”.'

Doc motioned his head over to where some goblins were busy doing strange torturous acts to him.

'Lucky bugger,' said Homo.

'Here,' said Doc. 'Move closer Bilbo, I have a crimper in my belt. It might be just what we need to cut through the cat 5 cable.'

Bilbo moved closer and began to fiddle about in Doc's belt.

'I've got something for you too,' said Homo to Bilbo.

'You want me to rummage around in your belt as well?' Bilbo asked.

'Um,' confessed Homo. 'Maybe, a little lower.'

'I've found the crimper!' exclaimed Bilbo as he hauled it out of Doc's belt. He managed to get the crimper in place and cut the cat 5 cable that was around his wrists. He then used it on the cat 5 around his ankles.

'Hey,' said Fister, one of the Goblins. 'That ones got free.'

Bilbo had little time to react. He leapt to his feet and ran through the dark, blind deeper into the cave.

'Darn!' exclaimed Doc. 'That was the only crimper I had. Hey Homo, mind if I try to get your crimper out of your pants?'

'Be my guest, big boy!' said Homo excitedly.

As Bilbo ran through the cave, he suddenly noticed a steep decline, and before he could stop himself fell face first into a cold underground lake.

He could hear the goblins chasing him suddenly stop.

'Oh, gees,' said Fingers, another one of the Goblins. 'He's a goner now. Iggy Pops going to get him.'

'Iggy Pop?' asked Fister. 'You mean that anorexic thing that eats Goblins for breakfast?'

'Nah!' said Fingers. 'You're thinking of the punk rocker. I'm talking about that thing that lives in the lake.'

'Oh, that's even worse!'

So it was that Bilbo, cold, lonely and in the dark, had escaped the Goblins. In the distance he heard the strange splish splashing of something coming towards him, and a voice singing.

'Here comes johnny yen again With the liquor and drugs And the flesh machine He's gonna do another strip tease. Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion? Ive been hurting since Ive bought the gimmick About something called love Yeah, something called love. Well, thats like hypnotizing chickens.'

'Man,' thought Bilbo. 'That's a pretty weird song. I don't think I've heard that one before. I might sing one of the old songs from the Shire and see if he sings along.

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?'

'Hmmm,' said the voice from the darkness. 'What do we have here my precious? A singer in the dark. We must meet the singer, mustn't we precious. Must be good host to the singer, eh, precious.'

Bilbo heard the splashing come towards him, till it stopped next to him, and he could feel it's breath on his neck. He could smell the rotten fish smell coming from it's mouth. The odour almost made him chuck on the spot.