The Hobbit - Part Five

The Elf took them back to the Elven city, which was by a huge river. They were forced to become drinks waiters, and strippers at hens nights.

'This is humiliating,' said Doc. 'Isn't there a way out of here?'

'I have a plan,' said Bilbo. 'Start to put the empty kegs over by the window near the river. When we're ready, we'll all climb into a barrel and I'll push you all into the river.'

'Better explain it all to Dopehead again,' said Doc. 'He's over there striping, and I think he's down to his last G-string.'

Bilbo explained the plan to Dopehead.

'Push off,' said Dopehead. 'I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do all my life, and getting lots of women.'

'If you don't come,' said Bilbo. 'I'll tell them about the time you slept with Happy Being Homo. Then they'll think you're disease ridden.'

'Okay,' said Dopehead. 'I'll help you escape, but as soon as the casino caper is over, I'm coming back here! Now, get off my lap and let the Elven lady sit there!'

So it was, that once four barrels were accumulated, the three dwarves and Bilbo placed them near the window.

'On the count of three,' said Bilbo. 'One, two, three.'

Bilbo and the dwarves leapt into the barrels, while Dopehead kicked them off the window. He then threw his own barrel into the river and leapt in after it. Unfortunately, being a bad swimmer, Dopehead didn't make it to his barrel and drowned.

So it was, that Doc, Bilbo and the thirteenth dwarf drifted into Laketown. A strange name for a town located on a river.

They then made their way to the Lonely Mountain, where they camped for the night by a big sign which read, 'SECRET DOOR'.

'How are we going to get into Smaug's lair?' asked Doc.

'I'm not sure where I read it, but I think there is a secret door near here,' replied Bilbo.

'Really? I read the same thing somewhere, but I just can't put my finger on where.' said Doc.

Suddenly, there was a slight earth tremor, and the huge sign fell on Doc.

'Of course,' said Bilbo. 'That's where I saw it. On the sign!'

Bilbo followed the yellow brick path and signs which lead up the mountain to a huge neon flashing sign, with 'Below is the secret door' written on it. Bilbo walked up, turned the handle and entered.

Bilbo arrived down in Smaug's lair, and placed the ring on his finger. He stealthily crept up to where Smaug was sleeping on his pile of gold, jewels and bones. Bilbo noticed a huge tattoo on Smaug's underbelly. It was in the shape of a large ringed target, the likes as seen on archery fields. There was a huge arrow on the tattoo and the words, 'Don't shoot here, it might kill me'.

Realising that if he awoke Smaug and the people of Laketown get to kill Smaug he might lose the treasure, Bilbo just stabbed the dragon there and then.

That's right, no fire breathing dragon getting shot by some Bard the Bowman, no great big wars, nothing like that at all.

Bilbo went back outside to get the thirteenth dwarf. After all, they had come through quite a lot together and Bilbo was generous enough to share. Alas, as he arrived at the entrance to the secret door, there sat Gollum chewing on some Dwarf bones.

'Hmm, my precious. Yummy roast dwarf. Hmmmm.'

Bilbo walked up behind Gollum, who couldn't see him as he was invisible, and stabbed him in the back and threw him down the mountain.

With the Dragons treasure horded, Bilbo was able to buy the best house in the shire, along with numerous farms and naked dance girls. He paid off his credit card bills. He used the dragon scales from Smaug to set up an armoury shop and sold off the dragon meat to all who could afford it.

He used the ring to secure insider trading tips to amass an even greater fortune on the stock exchange and became so rich he paid someone to write a propaganda piece called 'The Hobbit: There and Back Again', which made him look so completely innocent of the murder of Gollum, Smaug and the complete lack of feeling towards his travelling companions, that everyone thought highly of him.

The sad thing being, he never did learn the name of that thirteenth dwarf.