The Hobbit - Part One

Once there was a hobbit, who lived in a hole. His name was Bilbo. He wanted to move to the big block of apartments near by, but unfortunately didn't have a deposit, nor could he get a bank loan. One day, Gandalf the local bank loans officer dropped by his house. 'Good morning,' said Bilbo. 'Hi, I'm here to offer you a home loan,' replied Gandalf. 'You're kidding me!' exclaimed Bilbo. 'I have no money, no job and I live in a hole!' 'That's right,' replied Gandalf. 'I'm also going to offer you several credit cards. What you do, is you borrow the money from the credit cards till you have enough for a deposit. Then, you get a loan and buy a house. You just need to sign, here, here, here and here.' 'This sounds a little dodgy,' said Bilbo. 'What happens when I can't pay the loan back?' 'We take your house,' said Gandalf. 'And you're safely back in your hole.' 'I don't like the sound of that!' cried Bilbo. 'It's okay,' said Gandalf. 'There is insurance.' 'And that stops me losing my new home?' 'Ah, no, that stops us losing it.' 'Um, so what do I get out of it?' 'Well, if you sign all these papers, I open a deposit account for you with fifty dollars in it.' 'Kewl! I can eat!' Gandalf then stayed for dinner, and scratched a secret mark on the door. The next day, twelve Dwarves rocked up to take Bilbo to his new house. There names were Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, SleepyII, Grumpy, Homo, Happy, Happy being Homo and Dopehead. The other two were Unimportant, and As Such Won't Be Named. A Thirteenth Dwarf then rocked up with Gandalf and thirty naked dancing girls. They had a huge bucks night in Bilbo's new house and trashed the place. Unimportant, the eleventh dwarf decided to clean up the place before the set off on an adventure. As Such Won't Be Named, the twelfth dwarf tried glueing one of the naked dancing girls to himself, but was unsuccessful, as she woke up and ran away. 'Well,' said Gandalf. 'Looks like that was a great bucks night.' 'Um,' interrupted Bilbo. 'Which Dwarf was getting married?' 'Oh, we didn't invite him,' said Doc. 'We hate him. In fact, we're going to invade his home and steal all his stuff.' 'And have sex with his maid,' said Dopehead. 'And eat his dog,' said Grumpy. The other dwarves look at him in a strange way. 'What?' asked Grumpy. 'You've never been so hungry you ate a dog before?' 'We don't have much time,' said Gandalf. 'We're going to Vegas and raiding a casino.' 'Just like in Ocean's Eleven?' asked Happy. 'No, this is more dangerous,' said Gandalf. 'This treasure is protected by a huge dragon. Homo, pass me the map.' Homo placed a huge map on Bilbo's table over the top of one of the naked dancing girls. 'You see here,' said Gandalf poking the naked dancing girl in the boob. 'These are the mountains of madness!' 'Um, you've missed the map, Gandalf,' said Happy. 'Oh, so I have!' The naked dancing girl giggled and rolled over taking half the map with her. 'Did you mean here by any chance?' asked Happy being Homo pointing at a place on the map. 'Ah, yeah, that'll do,' said Gandalf. 'Here is where the casino is located. Owned by the Dragon Snuffy!' 'Um, you mean Smaug?' corrected Sleepy II. 'Shut up and go back to sleep!' Gandalf exclaimed with some venom in his voice. 'We're going here, to the mountains of madness.' 'Isn't it the lonely mountains?' asked Sleepy. 'Didn't I just tell you to go back to sleep?' 'That was SleepyII,' said Sleepy. 'Darn your parents for naming you and your brother with the same name!' exclaimed Gandalf. The naked dancing girls got paid by Gandalf and left. The rest of the party then set off on their adventure. The fifteen of them were gleefully walking along, when they suddenly decided to stop, make a camp and eat a lot of food. That night, three trolls wandered into their camp. 'Urgh,' said Boulderballs the troll. 'I smell Dwarves.' 'Urgh,' said Chinpokorock. 'I smell a human.' 'Urgh,' said Copulite. 'I smell like teenspirit.' Sleepy, who was on guard duty suddenly awoke. 'Aw, gees!' he exclaimed. 'Why do I always fall asleep? I better warn the others! HEY! WATCH OUT! TROLLS!' Gandalf was quick to react. He turned on some flashing coloured lights and flicked the switch on his boom box. 'Ah,' he said. 'Nice trolls. We welcome you to the Dwarven Discotheque. First drink is on the house.' 'We didn't come here to dance,' said Copulite. 'Well,' Said Gandalf. 'Have a drink first on the house. It's special liquid guarana, with added caffeine! Take a table close to the dance floor and start looking the dwarves over. I make a nice barbecued dwarf.' The trolls accepted the drinks and soon were so wide awake and babbling that they'd almost forgotten they were hungry. Gandalf kept plying them with guarana drinks and caffeine, which luckily kept them full. 'What's that?' asked Boulderballs as the first flickers of the suns rays came over the horizon. 'Looks sort of bright and ...' Chinpokorock didn't have a chance to finish, as all three trolls turned to stone. The sun does that to them. They have very sensitive skin, just like rock musicians. As the sun rose, they noticed the cave where the Trolls had lived. Gandalf phoned one of his real estate friends who paid him a nice spotters fee. Bilbo and the dwarves wandered into the cave for a look. 'Wow,' said Bilbo as he picked up a sword. 'I'm like, a Samurai dude!' He swished it around and accidentally sliced Unimportant's head off. 'Um,' he sheepishly asked. 'I'm not going to get into trouble for that, am I?' 'Don't worry about it,' said Gandalf. 'He was Unimportant you know!' 'I see you've got a magic sword,' said Happy. Bilbo swung around to face him and accidentally hit him in the head. 'Um,' said Bilbo. 'It was an accident. You all saw it. It was an accident I tell you.' 'It's okay,' said Gandalf. 'He died Happy.' 'Well,' said Dopehead, who was quick enough to seize Bilbo's arm as he swung to face him. 'What Happy was trying to say before his untimely demise, is you have a magic sword. It glows blue in the presence of turkeys.' 'It's been glowing blue since I picked it up,' said Bilbo. 'See,' said Homo. 'Proof of concept.' So, the party of Twelve set off again. Reduced to twelve as no one had noticed Boulderballs chewing on As Such Won't Be Named earlier in the night.