The Hobbit - Part Three
'Hello,' said Bilbo to the creature.
'Ah,' said the thing. 'It speaks as well as sings. Doesn't it my precious.'
'Um, who are you speaking to?' asked Bilbo.
'It asks questions my precious. It wants to play the riddle game. Yes, it does, doesn't it my precious.'
'Yeah, sure, let's play the riddle game.'
'Oh, see, it does want to play precious. It wants to play, 'Who wants to be a millionaire' well, we don't have that game, do we precious. In fact, our copy of trivial pursuit floated away.'
'You had trivial pursuit?'
'Look, precious. It keeps asking questions. It wants to play, precious. Let's answer the question, then we get to ask it a question.'
'Wait a second. What are the rules to this game?'
'Oh, it wants to know the rules, precious. Yes, the rules,' then for the first time, the creature spoke directly to Bilbo. 'The rules are simple. First, you ask a question, if I can answer it, I get to ask a question. You then must answer the question. If we both get the question right, we can go to the gift shop. If one of us answers it incorrectly, then the other gets to eat them.'
'I don't think I want to play then,' said Bilbo.
'Why, precious, it doesn't want to play. What do we do now? Why, we eats him anyway!'
'Uh, if you're going to eat me anyway, I might as well play then,' said Bilbo backtracking.
'Now it wants to play again, precious,' said Gollum. 'Such a tricky little thing it is.'
'I'm not a thing,' said Bilbo. 'I'm a hobbit.'
'A hobbits, my precious. We have a hobbit,' said Gollum. 'Last hobbit I had was collecting stamps.'
'I think you'll find that was a hobby,' corrected Bilbo.
'A hobby is it, yes a nasty little hobbyist,' said Gollum. 'I also collect bones and make furniture from them. Nasty little hobbyist they'd all call me. Didn't they precious.'
'Ah, sure,' said Bilbo, who by this stage was too wary to correct the nasty little hobbyist.
'He gets to go first, doesn't he precious,' said Gollum. 'Go ahead, ask me a riddle.'
'Okay,' said Bilbo. 'a/s/l ???'
'Huh?' Gollum was perplex. 'What the frig sort of riddle is that, precious?'
'It's used in all the latest chat rooms,' said Bilbo. 'I'm always being asked it.'
'Ah, my precious. It thinks that because I live in the middle of a cold lake in the middle of a cave in the middle of a mountain that I don't get the Internet down here! Huh, loser it is my precious! Loser! The answer, nasty little hobbyist, is age, sex and location.'
Bilbo was taken aback. First, as he didn't think Gollum would have known what it meant, and second of all, because all this time he had thought it meant after, shave, lotion. He had been wondering why people started ignoring him when he replied 'Old Spice' to that question. Now, it all made sense in a weird sort of a way.
'Now my precious,' continued Gollum. 'I get to ask my riddle. What first slaps you on the butt, Second it grabs your willy and cuts, Third pulls your appendix from your gut, Often they marry some nurse who's a slut.'
'That's an easy one,' said Bilbo. 'The only people I know desperate enough to actually marry nurses are Doctors. Everyone else just uses them and throws them away! I have no idea what the other three lines were about though.'
'You idiot, nasty little hobbyist. The first line is when he slaps you when you are born. The second is when he circumcises you, the third is when he does an appendectomy on you. And my sister is a nurse. My brother in-law is an accountant, not a Doctor. Your logic is just so screwed up nasty little hobbyist.'
'Okay,' said Bilbo. 'I guess it must be gift shop time then.'
'It wants gifts my precious. Gift shop is all it thinks about. The stupid hobbyist. Okay, gift shop it is. Let's see what we have for gift shop. A nice fish head. Yes, my precious a nice fish head for the hobbyist. Also, some fish bones, a shell from a prawn, a rock and some nice cave mold I found earlier today. What do you wants from the gifts shop nasty hobbyist.'
'Ah, I might skip this one,' said Bilbo. Bilbo sat down in disgust. Gift shop was lousy. Not only did he not win any money, he didn't even get a shot at a cool car of some sort.
'I'm waiting, am I not my precious. Waiting for the nasty hobbyists next question. If it cannot ask a question, then we eat him by default.'
Bilbo suddenly noticed he was sitting on something. Something hard which poked into his butt check.
'What am I sitting on?' asked Bilbo.
'What's that? What did he say my precious? What is the Hobbyist sitting on? What sort of riddle is this? What can he be sitting on?'
Bilbo felt behind him, and realised it was not a normal stone. Whatever he had sat on, was man made. It was round, had a hole in it. He thought he'd found an undissolved lifesaver at first. He moved it through the water and washed the mud out from inside it. He soon realised from the feel that he'd discovered a ring.
'I give in nasty hobbyist. The best I can guess is you are sitting on your butt hole.'
'A ring!' said Bilbo proudly.
'I got it right then, my precious,' said Gollum cheerfully.
'No,' said Bilbo. 'I meant I was sitting on an actual ring.' He lifted the ring up from the water to show Gollum. Though it was too dark for Bilbo to see, he knew Gollum's eyes were adjusted to the dark.
'MY PRECIOUS!,' screamed Gollum.
Bilbo pulled his hand back, and slipped the ring on in one motion. He ran like crazy, not realising that he'd actually turned invisible. Gollum was close on his heals, and Bilbo realised he wasn't going to outrun the creature. He took the crimper in one hand, and prepared to do battle.
However, being invisible, Gollum ran straight over the top of him, like a professional rugby player running over the top of an under eights school boys debating team.
'MY PRECIOUS!' Bilbo could hear him crying out as he ran further on up the cave.
The Goblins further up the cave heard him coming and ran. This saved the life of Gandalf and the four Dwarves. Sleepy and Sleepy II had since been eaten by the Goblins.
Realising he'd run Bilbo over, Gollum moved to the only exit from the cave.
After untying themselves, Gandalf and the Dwarves made their way towards the exit. Imagine their surprise when they saw Gollum writhing in agony as the invisible Bilbo kicked the crap out of his balls!
Thus, Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves safely exited from the mountain.
Meanwhile in Mordor, an all seeing eye shifted it's gaze to the Misty Mountains. Fortunately for Bilbo, the eye did not have X-Ray vision yet, so was unable to see into the mountain where Bilbo had been wearing the ring.