Hobbit - Part Four
'Thanks Bilbo,' said Doc. 'You saved us from those awful Goblins.'
'They weren't that bad,' said Happy Being Homo.
'Well, look who got all the attention,' said Homo.
'Bitch,' replied Happy Being Homo.
'Slut,' replied Homo.
'Now calm down the two of you,' said Gandalf. 'We have to make it through this forest and to the Lonely Mountain if we want to do this Casino thing.'
The two dwarves started bitch slapping each other. Gandalf, Bilbo and the other three dwarves wandered off. They were too far away to hear the Ent trip and fall on their two companions. The two lay dying, crushed beneath the Ent.
'Homo,' said Happy Being Homo. 'I have something to confess.'
'Really? What is it?' asked Homo.
'Remember your boyfriend Gloin.'
'Yes, of course I remember him.'
'I slept with him.'
'You bitch, if I wasn't dying beneath this Ent, I'd bitch slap you even more.'
'Yes, remember your boyfriend Thorin?'
'Not him too?'
'Yes, and Oakenshield, Óin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fíli and Kíli, Dori, Nori, and Ori.'
'All of them?'
'Yeah, that party you threw with three hundred guest.'
'Which one did you sleep with?'
'All of them.'
'All of them?'
'Well, and the pizza delivery boy, the caterer, the waiter, waitress, bar staff, even that lesbian who gate crashed!'
'You don't have a problem with that do you?'
'You slept with a lesbian? That's so ... gay!'
At that point, they both died. Happy Being Homo never did quite finish his confession, which also included, the Senate of an unnamed country, a Professional French Soccer team (but we will not name them either), a ballet school, the cast of several top Hollywood soaps, and most of Mordor, Gondor, and some places that don't even appear on the maps of middle earth. Let's face it, if you lived in Middle Earth and you contracted a sexually transmitted disease, it's most likely you caught it from Happy Being Homo. The guy justs never used protection. The moral being, be safe, practice safe sex.
Meanwhile, the rest of the party were stuck up a tree as they were being attacked by Wargs.
'Gandalf, how do we get rid of them?' asked Doc.
'How the frig should I know? I'm a loans officer, not a friggin' Wizard!'
It was luck for Gandalf that a large amount of Great Eagles descended and saved them.
'Where are they taking us?' asked Bilbo.
'To their nests,' said Gandalf. 'Great Eagles love to eat dwarves, humans hobbits.'
'Really? How are we going to save ourselves from them?' asked Bilbo.
'Us?' asked Gandalf as he cut through the talon of the great eagle he was under and parachuted to safety.
'Bugger,' said Dopehead. 'Hope they don't mind that the rest of us have bird flu.'
'Bird flu?' asked one of the great eagles.
'Yeah,' said Dopehead. 'Better take us over to that clearing, else I'll hang on and sneeze all over you.'
Hearing that, the great eagles landed safely and placed the hobbit and dwarves safely on the ground.
'Hello,' said a strange man. 'My name is Beorn. I can sing Abba songs and turn into a bear.'
'I'm amazed,' said Dopehead.
'Amazed at what/ The fact I can sing Abba or the fact I can turn into a bear?'
'No, the fact that you admit to singing Abba. Everyman and his dog can turn into a bear.'
With that, the dwarves and Bilbo entered the forest of Mirkmirk. Not having a friggin' idea where there were heading they soon found themselves completely lost.
'Where are we?' asked Bilbo.
'I think we're completely lost,' replied Doc.
'You bet your panties your completely lost,' said a Spider with an M-16 in one of it's legs.
'Who are you?' asked Doc.
'We're the Communistic Guerilla Spiders!' said another spider dropping from the tree above. 'We are in charge of this here forest, and we're going to hold you ransom till some wealthy capitalist pays millions for your release.'
'Millions? For us?' said Bilbo. 'You're kidding aren't you?'
'Shut up,' said Doc. 'They'll kill us now if they know we're all broke.'
'You're broke?' asked a Spider.
'Not me,' said Dopehead. 'My family have millions in Gold Pieces.'
'Good, we take you captive then,' said the Spider.
Bilbo had already slipped on his ring, and was killing the spiders with his sword. Bilbo and the three dwarves then made a run for it, as the great eagles swooped in and had a large spider lunch!
'Aha!' said an Elf leaping in their way. 'You're all under arrest for being Communists.'
'We're not communists, said Doc.
'Then why did the Communist Guerilla spider let you go then?'
'Because I killed them,' said Bilbo (who was now visible).
'Sounds like a story a communist spy would invent,' said the Elf.