Today was Valentines day. Last night I ran into a friend on the internet, and she was a bit upset, because she had no BF to give her a valentine. I said to her, it's not important, she has good friends who love her, and she has herself. She does not need a BF to give her a Valentine, because she doesn't need someone else to make her whole.
Now, that doesn't mean that it isn't nice to have BF or GF. It's always nice to have someone who makes us feel special. If life revolves around that though, you are missing out on a lot of life. I know a lot of people break down life into basically progressing the human race through pro-creation. Of course, that might be a good explaination for why we do thing, and why social factors are important in the psyche of the human. At the end of the day though, we have to live this life. If that's all there is to it, then we might as well just go and have sex and create offspring and then die. Obviously as conscious beings, we expect more from life.
Some people get caught up in the problem that they don't feel whole without something. In some cases, some people need MONEY to show off, fast cars, a nice looking partner attached to their arm. These things are rather shallow, and tend towards a sanguine sort of attitude. Everything is for show, in order to bring attention to ones self. (Some people have said the same about Blogs! Ai Carumba!)
Obviously philosophers and religions have always sort for a higher meaning as to why we are here. I am very much into both philosophy and religion. Sometimes it's funny how I run into a philosophy major who tells me if I studied philosophy then I'd never look at the world the same way. I am yet to discover that, and I have read Freud, Jung, Seneca, Socrates, Epicurus, Montaigne, Russell, Schopenhaur, Neitzsche, Plato, as well as studying Taoism, Buddism, Christianity etc to name a few. Actually, I have a habit of reading anything I can get my hands on.
The only things I really notice after reading philosophy and religion (which I might add, I feel are very closely related), is I think about what I've read, and decide whether I agree or disagree with it. In the case of Schopenhaur, I just found I disagreed with him a LOT. It was only after reading Alain De Botton's book "The Consolation of Philosophy" that I decided to cut the guy [Schopenhaur] some slack. Not because I suddenly agreed with him, but I realised a lot of his conclusions have been disproven with modern science. Something he didn't have access to. I am at a fortunate time in some ways, as science has progressed, and I can see the errors of some peoples thinking. (In fifty years, someone might be saying the same thing about the conclusions of todays philosophers). Schopenhaur's thinking wasn't so much wrong in the sense that he was not thinking logically, but that with the advent of new technology and new science came new evidence. Without access to all the facts, it is difficult to get to the correct conclusion. If Schopenhaur was alive today, he probably would have thought along different lines.
In a way, I feel the poor guy wasted a lot of his thinking power on a question, though important, was a bit before all the evidence was in. Of course, at the time, he had every reason to tackle the question. He didn't know their would be new science to look at his question in a different way. Which brings us to the issue he was tackling. Love. What causes attraction between people?
On Valentines day, I hope no one got together just so they could give and receive a present on what is basically a day invented by Hallmark to sell more cards. Well, the Church always had St. Valentines day, but it wasn't in the form we have it today. (You can go searching for the story of St Valentine on the net. It's rather irrelevant to my discussion today.)
It is rather shallow to come together just to have someone on this day. Yet, I have known people who have done this. I sometimes wonder about those sorts of people. I tend to think they tend towards the Sanguine side of things, but maybe it is just my prejudice against people who are more into show than substance. (Okay, I admit that I have 1/3 Sanguine, after my Phlegmatic and Melancholic sides, with very little choloric in me at all. Don't get me started on cholorics! They drive me nuts!)
Following Schopenhaurs ideas, we'd be looking for someone who is practically our complete opposite (Opposites attract? Don't think so, all the ugly people would have beautiful partners! I'd have a Japanese Supermodel hanging off my arm! hee hee!) I personally think we need to be looking for a person who can and will become our best friend. Someone we can talk to. As they say, Beauty fades with time, so you need someone you can talk to. Someone you will still relate to and love in your old age.
Of course, that doesn't mean finding and marrying someone exactly the same as yourself. There are some things which can work as complimentary by partners being exact opposites. When I was married, my wife hated ironing. Yet, every Saturday I'd turn up my Nirvana/Foo Fighter CD's to maximum and iron away. Easily done when singing along to grunge. A good example of a difference which is complimentary. Of course, we had other problems due to incompatibilty. I used to go to church on Sunday, and my wife didn't like doing that. Even though she paid lip service to being a Christian, she didn't like doing Christian things. (Not unless someone was watching. Then she would love to pretend she was as pious as the next religious person).
So, being similar in some respects helps the relationship along, and being different in other areas also helps. What happens though, if I find someone who is EXACTLY my perfect match both in similarities and complimentary ways, but aren't attracted to them? (Be they butt ugly, or just something about them is unappealing). My suggestion, don't marry them. In fact, don't get with them. They will make a perfect friend, but keep looking for someone you are attracted to. I would say, if you find someone unattractive, that is an incompatibility at the primary level. Look harder.
Of course, not everyone will be a perfect match both for similarities and complimentaries. There will always be some thing which doesn't quite work. In that case, you will have to decide whether you can live with that incompatibility, or not. If you can, then maybe it will be a match made in heaven. If not, move along, nothing to see here.
Below is a little list (not exhaustive) of what I think people (in general) should be looking for.
(I avoided a lot of the Christian Cliches I hear being thrown around at Church).
1/ Attraction to the other person
2/ The other person has attraction to you.
3/ Try to find someone intelligent
(breed smart babies - also they will hopefully be able to think for themselves and will have some great ideas to talk about)
4/ Willingness to learn
(Important, because if they are CRAP in bed, you can teach them to be better. I know people who only want someone good in bed. If they can be taught, then it isn't aproblem. You might even teach them to leave the toilet seat how you like it! Up or down! For the record, I leave it down. It isn't a big hassle to do that for a lady).
5/ Good listener.
(Let's face it, I talk a lot ... well, mainly I write a lot, I'm actually quiet at home according to my ex. But someone willing to listen)
6/ Some one good at expressing their thoughts.
(Something my ex was not good at. Reading minds is bad regardless of how close you supposedly are!)
7/ Someone you actually LIKE (Love is better)
(I include this one, as I have known many a girl to marry someone they didn't like, simply because they felt no one else would ask - or they'd never get another BF. Attraction and liking are two different things. You can be attracted to someone, yet think they are a jackass)
8/ Compatibility on the RELIGIOUS level.
(Okay, this normally means someone of the same religion in many peoples books. If a couple can respect each others religious beliefs and agree to how they will bring up their children, there should not be a problem with this!)
9/ General compatibility
(or willingness to accept the non-compatible areas.)
10/ Someone who actually LIKES (or loves) you.
(This might be tricky, as some people lie just to get you into bed, or to get your money and other things! I hate it when that happens to me!)
11/ Someone you TRUST
(Also, rather difficult, because by the time you realise you can't trust them, you are probably with them ... but for goodness sake, if you find you can't trust them, it's time to dump them).
12/ Someone NON violent
(I think my back still has some flesh left after my marriage. Still, there was a violent streak I wish I hadn't met. I always used to tell girls, "If he beats you, leave him". I think the same also applies to guys now too! Next time, I'll follow my own advice.)
I think that's all for now. As I said, the list isn't exhaustive, so if you have another one, leave it as a comment, and see if a discussion breaks out. :-)