Daily Horoscopes

Gemini - Gay Pygmies will invade your home and tie you up. They will staple a note to your back. You can't read it, but you know it says, "Kick me". Cancer - You will find you have the money to buy that womens cricket team you've had your eye on. But will they satisfy your lust for world domination? Leo - Life isn't what you expected. You were told having a baby was painful, the blood, the agony, the screaming ... that's just the sex. The actual child birth is worse! Virgo - Finally you may meet the partner of your dreams. Unfortunately, they have come to sanitise the rest rooms at work, and you are at lunch. As such, you miss them. They become the next CEO of some crazy IT company which booms. Libra - Your shoes start to develop a mind of their own, and stones always seem to find their way into your socks. Maybe remembering to take them off before you go to bed might help. Scorpio - You cannot play guitar. I know you think you might, but you can't! Just stop! STOP! Stop now before you embarass yourself even more! Hey! I said Stop already! Sagitarrius - Everyone hates you. Yes, I know I should have found a way to break that to you gently, but hey, that's life! Yes, everyone thinks you smell, and you have doubtful hygene habits. Most people think the aura around you is from six bottles of Gin early in the morning. Not that you care that we all know! Capricorn - Sex. It's that thing the rest of us are getting, and you only hear about. There is reasons for that. Most people would rather sleep with stinky Sagitttarrius than you. Though you don't smell as bad, you just have plain bad karma and NERD written all over you! If only you knew something so you could upgrade to Geek! Aquarius - SLUT! Meet me behind the bike sheds after school! Aries - If you stop eating beans, maybe you'll fart less. Then again, just stand next to a Sagittarian. No one will smell it when you release wind. Of course, they may hear it. Best course of action, laugh very loudly when you do it. Taurus - Your television will become the first in the world to catch HIV. Where did it come from? Maybe the cat. After all, it's always licking it's butt. Unfortunately, buying a new TV doesn't help. It also develops HIV. And so willt he next and the next, until one day, you know you must do something about that DAMN CAT! Thank you. You have been an audience!