Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Seven

It was Halloween, and pumpkin heads hung from all over the place. One of them was still attached to the Great Pumpkin, and another one was still attached to a headless horseman.

'Didn't we just have Xmas?' asked Von.

'You know, now that you mention it, we did!' replied Perry.

Meanwhile, in the basement, Professor Squill heard a knocking on a door. He innocently opened it, thinking it was an Avon Lady or perhaps a Jehovah's Witness.

'Hello?' he asked as the door swung wide.

'Me need to pee,' said the troll as he forced his way in. 'Where is the men's room?'

'Waaahhhh!' scream Squill running all the way upstairs to the great hall. 'Troll in the basement! Troll in the basement!'

He burst into the hall screaming, and fainted.

'Where's Hernia?' asked Von.

'She's in the ladies room. You know, that time of month,' replied Perry.

'No, I don't know,' Von said perplexed. 'I'm only a little kid. What time of month is that?'

'I have no idea either,' said Perry, equally perplexed.

'Let's go check out what she's up to then,' said Von.

'Hmmm, a trollop in the basement. Children, go to bed! Teachers, follow me. About time we had a good trollop show,' said Dumblebum.

Professor Snack exited through a back door, and raced upstairs.

Hernia was in the ladies room trying to open a pack of tightly sealed tampons.

'Bloody stupid plastic wrapping,' she said. 'I can never get these things unwrapped when I need them.'

As she struggled, a large troll like shadow loomed into the bathroom.

'Me need to pee,' said a loud booming voice.

'Get out of here you troll. This is a ladies room!' Hernia screamed at the troll.

'Where is men's room? Me feel the need! The need to pee!' the troll screamed while leaping up to high five an imaginary Maverick.

'GET OUT!' Hernia screamed.

'Ugh, screaming hurts my ears,' screamed the troll, who accidentally dropped his large club. Hernia only had a small amount of time to duck under a row of basins out of the way of the falling club. The club landed with a loud crash, smashing the basins into little pieces.

Perry and Von raced into the ladies.

'Wow! This is what the ladies looks like,' said Von.

'You idiot, you could have seen a photo of a ladies just by visiting Minishort's, or Kimberly's blogs,' said Perry.

'Really? Who would have thunk it!'

'YOU IDIOTS! HELP ME!' screamed Hernia at them, as she ducked into the cubicles.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop my club,' said the troll, picking his club up again.

'We better save Hernia,' said Von. He picked up a piece of porcelain basin and threw it at the troll. It hit the troll in the back of the head, causing him to reel wildly. This in turn caused him to wield his club wildly smashing half the cubicles. Hernia screamed more and raced along under the remaining cubicles.

'Ow, me sorry. Me pay for damage,' said the troll.

Perry and Von didn't listen. Perry leapt onto the trolls head.

'Oh, no! Me seem to have grown a human on my head. I must have touched a toad again!' said the troll, who had recently had surgery to remove five other children he'd grown on his head.

Perry lifted his wand and smashed it over the trolls head.

'Aaargh!' screamed the troll, and once again his club swung wildly destroying the last of the cubicles. 'Me going to have to pay a lot for damage. Me just wanted to use men's room!'

'Do something, Von,' screamed Perry.

'What with? I don't have a cricket bat like you, I've just got a wobbly stick!' exclaimed Von.

'Swish and flick, Von,' called Hernia.

'Me, sorry,' said the troll. 'Me just want men's room. Please, let me go to men's room.'

Perry whacked him with the cricket bat again.

'Swish and flick,' screamed Hernia again.

'Oh, like when I flick snot at the girls,' said Von.

'Yes, that's it,' called Hernia back.

Von stuck his wand up his nose and got a large amount of goop. He swished his wand and flicked. It hit the troll fair and square in his eye.

'Arrrgh,' screamed the troll, who accidentally swung the club into the air, where it travelled upwards for a few seconds, then seemed to stop in mid-air as it changed directions.

'Oh, no!' said the troll, seeing the club above him.

The club, aided by gravity, resumed it's journey, this time coming down upon the trolls head.

The troll was knocked out immediately, as well as suffering a skull fracture and a small cerebral haemorrhage. He fell forward with a crash, and immediately lost control of his bladder causing a yellow wave from his pants.

Just as this happened, some of the teachers raced into the room.

'Those trollops are losing their looks a bit,' said Dumblebum.

'I keep telling you, it's a troll, not a trollop,' said McGonnalot.

Perry looked at Snack who raced in slightly later than the other teachers. He noticed Snack was wearing his famous black dress with the sexy slits up the sides of the legs. On his leg was a large bleeding dog bite. Snack saw Perry seeing his leg, and swished his black dress over his legs to hide the bite, as well as the poorly shaved legs.

'Well, Miss Groinage,' said McGonnalot. 'Looks like you've had a lucky escape.'

'Not really,' replied Hernia. 'I'm bleeding all down my legs and I still can't get these things OPEN!!!ONEONEONE!!!'

'Gees,' said Von. 'In all the excitement, I didn't even realise the troll had injured her!'

Everyone except Perry gave him a strange look.