Alien Abduction Tale Part II (Original appeared on Minishorts site on Oct 22nd)

I thought I'd tell part TWO of the Alien Abduction saga. I think I had the least amount of comments for any guest blogger on Minishorts site. Maybe I needed to be more controversial. Anyway, I did ask them to tell me if it wasn't funny enough to stick up, and they didn't say anything. Plus I ran it past my youngest brother who thought it was funny. Then again, my youngest brother isn't the best judge of 'comedy' or 'satire' or well, almost anything. Alien Abduction Part II - Let The Probing Begins. (This time, it's personal!) Many a time a strange person has turned up at the hospital with something needing to be removed from their private parts. In many cases, when the Doctor asks how the bottle, hockey stick, plastic power ranger doll or other miscellaneous item somehow got lodged in their sphincter*, the usual reply is, 'I was taking a shower and slipped.' [*Please note, a Sphincter is a circular ring like muscle. Even though the anus is a sphincter, it is NOT the only one in the human body. There are in fact four. So if someone tells you a sphincter is another word for anus, they not only wrong, they are making an ass of themselves! A guy I used to work with used to like calling me a sphincter and thought that was it's meaning. What a huge sphincter he was!] One of the odd things about this remark is it leaves us open to all sorts of questions as to how the object in question ended up in the shower. Now, as this is a Alien Abduction story, you probably think it might have been left there by the aliens! No, sir! The simple and most rational explanation is that it had got jammed while the aliens were probing. Being unable to remove the aforementinoed object, they left a hypnotic suggestion in the mind of the person to believe that they were actually having a shower and slipped. It leads us to another question. Why do aliens find the need to shove things up peoples bottoms? I'm glad you asked. This is another simple question to answer. Many things have been suggested. One being that there are in fact no aliens, and that most of the alien encounters have occurred due to Narcolepsy (lucid dreams) or Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. Many a respected Doctor has suggested these things. Let me tell you, no self respecting conspiracy theory could be complete without the belief that someone is paying someone off to lie. So it pains me to say this, but I have to reveal that the Aliens are in fact paying respected doctors to say this obvious mumbo jumbo. So, using Occam's razor, we find that the simplest explanation is down to earth, normal everyday homemade Alien Abduction and hush money. So, now I will answer the question: The reason aliens are constantly probing the human anus region is because it is the aliens belief that all human psychology can be explained through a complete understanding of the colonic cavity. It certainly explains most politicians, and why we vote for them. It also explains why most managers are the way they are and why we allow them to boss us around. (And as the Managing Director of my own company, I can safely say that with no disagreement from any of my non-existant staff! I assure you though, if I DID have any staff, they would all agree whole heartedly.) For the sake of clarity, I will now colour code the following conversation which took place on an alien spacecraft on the night of July the 35th sometime in October. ME - BLUE ALIEN DOCTOR - RED ALIEN NURSE - GREEN ELEPHANT - PINK EXTRA WITH NO SPEAKING LINE - BLACKISH WHITISH PUCE Hey! Are you a Doctor? No. What are you doing with that? We have to do an anal probe. Really? It looks rather large for a humans back passage. Don't worry it won't hurt a bit. Hello. Hello, are you a Doctor? Do I look like God? No. Really? Are you sure, because I am a Doctor. That nurse says she's going to shove that elephant between my butt cheeks. Why do you think it's an elephant? Well, it's large, it's grey, it has a trunk and two tusks and it's sort of wrinkly. No! No! I assure you it isn't an elephant. You see, those two sharp looking white things you think are tusks, they are just special probes. And this long hose like thing you think is a trunk, it's just a feeder tube for nutrients. HEY! Get you bleeding mits off my trunk! No one mentioned anything about being shoved up some cobblers buttocks! Well, too late for that I'm afraid. Have to proceed. It's all done in the name of medicine you know. Say what? Pip pip! Toodles! It was at this point that the elephant stomped out of the spacecraft crushing the Doctor and half the crew. I searched around the spacecraft for something in order to help with the scientific experiment. Alas, there was nothing worth probing myself with. I then had to catch the number ten bus home. This was difficult for two reasons, first of all, I was no where near a bus stop, and second of all, the number ten doesn't go anywhere near my home. Luckily, as I opened the door to the spacecraft in order to find the bus stop, I realised I was still in my backyard. The Rhino asked for a lift home, but I made him scab a ride off the Hippopotamus. And thus ends my experience as an Alien probe guinea pig. All done in the name of medical science furthering the understanding of the human psyche. It also explains why so many people who complain of alien abductions walk a little funny afterwards.