New Ways To Take Over The World. Part III
New Ways to Take Over the World Part III - The History Primer continued
With the end of WWII, Russia decided to use it's Ice Vodka in what was eventually called, the Cold War. The main aim of the cold war was for the US to sell a lot of bad movies based on Russian Spies played by American's with bad Russian accents (or in the case of 'The Hunt For Red October' a Scotish accent who believes all Russian Submarine Commanders speak with a Scotish accent ... which in some cases is true after you get some scotch into them).
The Russian really cemented their intent, when they built a large wall in Berlin so that dissidents had something to write annoying slogans on.
Two important things happened during the cold war. First of all, Elvis was drafted into the Army to devistating effect. Second, the Russians were going to put missiles on Cuba, but settled for paying the Mafia to shoot JFK from a grassy knoll. This is not to be mistaken for Beyonce's Knolls which are much larger and nicer to look at.
Shots were not exchanged during the cold war until Korea and Vietnam. Two important reasons why these wars were important. One, it stopped communists playing dominoes. Second, it gave Hollywood some much needed material to break up the monotony of creating WWII movies. With Korea they were able to bring us M*A*S*H, and with Vietnam they were able to bring us protest songs, Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Tour of Duty and many other movies that utilised the aforementioned protest songs.
Many other minor wars occurred, leading into Iraq I and the sequel Iraq II. The only good thing to come out of both these wars was possibly the movie 'Three Kings' which in many ways was just a retelling of 'Kelly's Heroes' which is still a better movie by at least three out of five stars.
This leads us to the latest ways people, countries and organisations are trying to take over the world.
Ignoring Doctor Evil for a moment (and many other Super Villians), we move onto the latest research being performed by the US Government in it's attempt for world domination.
Marketing itself as the 'World Leader' (though no other country ever remembers voting for it ... nor do they remember being invited to play against the US in any of their 'World Series' sporting matches!)
With Lady Di (Princess of Wales) having successfully removed most land mines from the world (with third world nations being ignored, because well, not many American's live there. Plus land mines still having a use there as a deterent against children), the US needed a replacement 'Anti-Personnel Weapon'.
They needed something silent and unsuspecting which looked non-threatening, yet would prove lethal on the battle field. MacDonnell Douglas (the aircraft builders) were able to supply the answer.
'After all,' they reasoned to the US President. 'How often have you accidently knocked your knee against one, spending several minutes rolling around. This is by far the greatest cause of incapacitation, with a possible exception of MTV Hypnosis being used on teenagers!'
The President gave his approval. Then knocked his knee getting up from his desk, delaying the press conference to announce the new weapon by an hour.
The US first started testing the weapon in their normal markets, where they test most of their weapons of destruction. A place where violence never ends, and death is a common everyday occurrance.
The Table Leg proved to be a much better weapon than the previous attempts the US had made to develop an anti-personnel weapon. The Lava Lamp had been a dismal failure. It failed to explode when the military expected. The Bean Bag had failed utterly to suffocate enough soldiers in it's trials. And the common everyday 'Blue Screen Of Death' had failed to accually live up to it's name.
The trials continued, slaying many a European star. Europe was in a state of crisis. The USSR tried to counter act the table leg with it's own devices. First it tried sarcasm. When that didn't work, they tried reading it 'The Selected Works of V.I. Lenin'. There was limited success.
The KGB tried a last ditch effort with some bad results. They drenched table legs with vodka (sorry, no ribena) and waited for Russian Politicians to like the legs. Some success was acheived when some of the politicians got the taste for wood and gnawed their way through the table leg. Unfortunately, this was lethalto the politician as large wooden tables and desks landed on their heads.
The KGB had to cover up this fatal mistake, and so invented a lie that they were secretly getting rid of dissidents for not writing enough graffiti on te Berlin Wall. Thus began the rumour that a 'gulag' prison system existed.
Knowing it could not conteract the table leg, the Soviet Union collapsed in a dismal heap.
The US continued in it's testing. Reasoning that if a table leg could take out a man, then surely it could take out tanks, and even entire battalions of tanks.
During the first Gulf war, they tried the new weapon. It was amazing! Just leaving giant table legs around brought the entire of Saddam's army to it's knees ... and then some.
The second Iraq war, actual a hunt for missing table legs. So secret was this weapon, that the CIA could not divulge the real reason for attacking Iraq. Apparently, several hundred undetonated table legs were still unaccounted for after the first war.
When they found Hussien hiding in his rat hole, the soldier screamed at him, 'Where are the table legs Saddam?!!!'
'I was just looking for them down that little hole! Honest, I was!'
'In your underpants?'
'Hey, it's a kinky sort of a hole!'
A cavity search then occurred, but no table legs were found.
Three tanks with six table legs. Circled in red, the three tanks just didn't have a chance. Note the accuracy of the Table Leg. Left standing in the middle of a desert, it actually attracts tanks to it, before proverbially knee capping them! The tank in the middle is the new WWI Retro tank. Looks exactly like a WWI model with all the warmth of the old analog model from the turn of the last century, with all the firepower of a hamster.
THE TABLE LEG!!!!
'After all,' they reasoned to the US President. 'How often have you accidently knocked your knee against one, spending several minutes rolling around. This is by far the greatest cause of incapacitation, with a possible exception of MTV Hypnosis being used on teenagers!'
The President gave his approval. Then knocked his knee getting up from his desk, delaying the press conference to announce the new weapon by an hour.
The US first started testing the weapon in their normal markets, where they test most of their weapons of destruction. A place where violence never ends, and death is a common everyday occurrance.
The European Soccer field!
The Table Leg proved to be a much better weapon than the previous attempts the US had made to develop an anti-personnel weapon. The Lava Lamp had been a dismal failure. It failed to explode when the military expected. The Bean Bag had failed utterly to suffocate enough soldiers in it's trials. And the common everyday 'Blue Screen Of Death' had failed to accually live up to it's name.
The trials continued, slaying many a European star. Europe was in a state of crisis. The USSR tried to counter act the table leg with it's own devices. First it tried sarcasm. When that didn't work, they tried reading it 'The Selected Works of V.I. Lenin'. There was limited success.
The KGB tried a last ditch effort with some bad results. They drenched table legs with vodka (sorry, no ribena) and waited for Russian Politicians to like the legs. Some success was acheived when some of the politicians got the taste for wood and gnawed their way through the table leg. Unfortunately, this was lethalto the politician as large wooden tables and desks landed on their heads.
The KGB had to cover up this fatal mistake, and so invented a lie that they were secretly getting rid of dissidents for not writing enough graffiti on te Berlin Wall. Thus began the rumour that a 'gulag' prison system existed.
Knowing it could not conteract the table leg, the Soviet Union collapsed in a dismal heap.
The US continued in it's testing. Reasoning that if a table leg could take out a man, then surely it could take out tanks, and even entire battalions of tanks.
During the first Gulf war, they tried the new weapon. It was amazing! Just leaving giant table legs around brought the entire of Saddam's army to it's knees ... and then some.
The second Iraq war, actual a hunt for missing table legs. So secret was this weapon, that the CIA could not divulge the real reason for attacking Iraq. Apparently, several hundred undetonated table legs were still unaccounted for after the first war.
When they found Hussien hiding in his rat hole, the soldier screamed at him, 'Where are the table legs Saddam?!!!'
'I was just looking for them down that little hole! Honest, I was!'
'In your underpants?'
'Hey, it's a kinky sort of a hole!'
A cavity search then occurred, but no table legs were found.
Three tanks with six table legs. Circled in red, the three tanks just didn't have a chance. Note the accuracy of the Table Leg. Left standing in the middle of a desert, it actually attracts tanks to it, before proverbially knee capping them! The tank in the middle is the new WWI Retro tank. Looks exactly like a WWI model with all the warmth of the old analog model from the turn of the last century, with all the firepower of a hamster.
posted by Dabido @ 10/19/2005 07:31:00 pm
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