- Fight or Flight? How to run away like a real hero.
- What Beatles Songs REALLY mean.
- My secret life as a sex god.
- How to burp tunes and blow bubbles out your nose.
- Thesaurus - the dinosaur I can't find in a museum!
- Tautology, repeatition, iteration, duplication - how I fill out my blog posts. :-)
- Oxford, English Dic and Hary - worlds hardest book to follow the plot of!
- Alien Abduction Tale Part II (Original will appear on Minishorts site on Oct 22nd)
- The Day I became a Neurosurgeon
- The Art of Dumping a Girl You're Not Even Going Out With
- Baggy Trousers – Why my balls still work!
- Eddie – The guy who couldn't get a Date
- Rolf Harris
My secret life as a sex god.
One thing which has always annoyed me in life, is that often someone likes you, but you never hear about it until well after they've got over their initial crush. Or, there are the times that someone comes out and admits they like you (or love you) and they somehow expect that the world is going to change and you're going to sweep them off their feet and gallop off ona white stallion to some stupid castle somewhere.
These are of course both sides of the same coin, because in one case we are desperate to KNOW that we are liked ... in the other case we wish WE HADN'T FOUND OUT who liked us.
I've had many strange occurrances of things like this happen to me over my life. Of course, the other part of the problem is when we have a crush on someone and can't tell them, or we do eventually get the courage to tell them and they go, 'YUCH!!! THAT'S GROSSSSS!'
The fact of the matter is, we all want someone we like to like us.
It still annoys the living daylights out of me that I often find out that the girl I had a crush on, had a crush on me, but was only able to tell me AFTER she's run off with one of my friends or married someone else!!! Of course, the fear is, if I had of admitted to her I'd liked her back when she liked me, I was always afraid of the 'OH NO! NOT YOU!' sort of moment.
One thing I did notice in my growing up years, was this tendency fro some guys to get absolutely GORGEOUS women, dispite the fact that the guy was ugly, bald, fat, stupid (insert horrible adjective here). In the case of one of my (insert horrible adjective here) friends landing one of these girls, I was of course extremely happy for him. (And possibly slightly jealous ... except when I was with someone, because then I really don't care) :-)
Of course, the shoe often lands on the other foot too ... one of your absolutely fabulous friends (male or female) ends up with some total (insert horrible adjective here) person and you wonder what they see in them.
Which leads on to my SECRET LIFE as a sex god. Now, I know a lot of you will be disapointed by this story, because you've tuned in to hear my secret tips and juicey bits and pieces of stories. The problem with MY secret life as a sex god, is no one told me till after the fact.
Imagine this, young thin starving guy, worked his way off the streets of Sydney by taking a factory job. He turns up at church. Only something really bad happens behind his back, and a little in front of him.
That young guy was me, aged about twenty. I started attending a church with one of my friends from school, Gregory. First night at the Christian Fellowship meeting, and soe guy I've never met before walks up and tells me to my face that he knows me and that I am a car thief.
The dumb thing about the accussation, was that I couldn't even drive. I'd never had the opportunity to learn. (In fact, I didn't learn till I was twenty three). I ignored the guy, thinking he was some form of idiot. (Idiots take many forms and most aren't listed on the human periodic table as they'd take up too much space).
The guy went off to a corner, and I'd keep seeing him talking to people and pointing at me. The rumour mill had started!
For some reason, a lot of young girls suddenly started taking an interest in me. At th time I wasn't sure why. Some of it had to do with the rumour of me being a BAD ASS CAR THIEF. They wanted to be the girl to change the bad guy into the reformed evil dude. The NEW cool, somehow rebelious, yet totally nice person.
Unfortunately, it wasn't going to happen. There wasn't anything to change. I couldn't drive, I wasn't running around stealing cars and if I ever did try to steal a car, I'd probably kangaroo it into a tree.
The rest of the rumours were the interesting things.
We went on a camp (like fellowsip groups do), and while I was talking to one of the fellowship leaders, he let slip.
'I hear you are into some pretty wild women,' he said.
'Huh?'
'You like, run around with some wild women.'
'What? No! What do you mean?'
'Like, you're out picking up women every night having sex.'
'No, what gave you that idea?'
'Um, uh, I thought I heard it somewhere.'
That was it. THAT WAS THE REASON THE YOUNG GIRLS WERE HANGING AROUND ME! They all thought I was some super experienced SEX MACHINE!
The funny thing was, the more I denied it, the more people believed it. They kept telling me I was being 'UNREPENTANT'.
I thought I'd stopped the rumours. I eventually moved in with a friend of mine, Craig. One of the house mates at Craigs, was a girl named Lisa. Eventually Craig got married, and Lisa and i had to find another place to live. So we did. We moved into a flat.
After about two years, I was ordered by the church to move out, as apparently I shouldn't be living with a girl. So I moved into a place with my bass player Paul.
Now, by this time, I was going out with Christine, who would becoem my future wife, and then ex-wife. She had an interesting story to tell me. At her church (she was going to another one), they apparently used to use Lisa and Me as examples of TWO CHRISTIANS LIVING IN SIN!!!!
Yes, apparently, everyone though that I and my flatmate Lisa, (who was ALWAYS like a sister to me), we HAVING SEX!!!! Why? BECAUSE HOW COULD SHE RESIST A SEX GOD LIKE DABIDO!!!!!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????
Yes, it was all a big surprise to me too. I wish I really did have this SEX APPEAL thing happening.
Why am I a sex god behind my back? Why can't I be one to me face???? :-)
Anyway, it wasn't the end of my 'SEX GOD' Status. As a musician, I was pretty unaware of how girls felt about me.
After I got married I had a few funny epsiodes. A few of the girls from church admitted to having been totally smitten by me when I'd been single (and because I'd got married they suddenly felt they could confess). One young girl (not realising I was married) made a pass at me. I told her I was married, and she kept telling me I wasn't. I kept pointing at the wedding ring.
M A R R I E D!!!
She had trouble understanding.
THAT GIRL THERE! CHRISTINE! SHE IS MY WIFE!!!
She still didn't understand. She thought I was joking. I had to get Christine and another girl Cindy to explain it in English for them.
AH! Now she understood!
Maybe I just don't talk teenage girl. Darn alien languages!!!
And that my friends, was my secret life as a sex god.
[Girls, please tell me if it's still happening. I'd hate to be wasting my charisma!] :-)
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