The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

18 October, 2005

New Ways To Take Over The World. Part II

NEW WAYS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (Part II) - The History Primer Continued After the dark ages of history, the quest to take over the world continued. First of all, Europe decided that it owned the entire world. Spain and Portugal decided to split the world in two at Toledo and decided Spain owned half, and Portugal the half. Not wanting to be out down, England also decided she owned half ... along with France and Holland and Belgium etc all deciding they owned half. It wasn't too bad, as the discovery of the New World (The America's) meant there were more halves to go around ... so everyone could own half. Of course, this was all news to the Chinese, the Indians, the Japanese, the Africans, the Aztecs, Incas, and assorted Native Americans. They wer enone too pleased when crazy European Foreign dogs turned up telling them they no longer owned the land they were standing on, but it was now part of [place Europen power name here]. It's no wonder the Chinese were totally Minged off, and then later Chi'nged off! The Ottomans, other than being a piece of furniture didn't want to be out done. They took over control of most of the Muslim world, hoping to make some impact. The French decided to have a stab at World Domination with a foreign dude names Napoleon. He was nicknamed the Little Corporal, even though he'd never actually held that rank. He apparently ran around with a copy of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' in his pocket. Whether this is true or not is a matter of much debate. He probably grabbed a copy that had been left by Ghengis on his travels (left gathering dust under his copy of Lonely Planet Guide for World Conquest). Napoleon was going great guns. Mainly as the French (being lovers and not fighters) had left the majority of the fighting to the Grande Armee which was largely made up of foriengers. The world was quaking in it's proverbial boots for a while (except the parts of the world which didn't own boots ... they didn't see much of the action at all). It was all a big party, till on the way to Moscow, the Gande Armee ran out of food. This was caused by a Russian 'scorched earth policy'. The tactic works a little like this, to stop your enemy coming into your country and burning your crops, poisoning your wells and raping your women and children, you do it all first. It worked fantastically and because of it less Russians died. Napoleon made it to Moscow, but found everyone had left for a bigger party in st Petersburg. In frustration, he set fire to it and ran away like all good teenagers do. The English upper classes were appaled. After all, they hadn't been invited to the party, and had to make do inviting themselves into Portugal and sinking French fleets at Egypt (battle of the Nile) and Trafalga. Eventually, Wellington made it to a place called Waterloo. With his Prussian ally Blucher, they decided to kick Napoleons butt. Which they almost didn't do, as Blucher was a little late, having to fight another of Napoleons forces a little down the road. The world was so happy they named a pair of boots after Wellington and deicded to invent quotes like, 'The Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton'. Wellington of course couldn't have said this, as there were no playing fields at Eton when he was alive ... and if he did say it, it probably shows he was completely off his nut! The tussle over the world continued in a tit and tat sort of fashion until World War One. (Yeah, I skipped a LOT of history there to get to the exciting bits). Named the War to End all wars, everyone decided to turn up. The marketing department had certainly done their homework and everyone was excited, except Archduke Franz Ferdinand who missed the whole thing except the very beginning. Now amongst that piece of history we missed, was a side conflict called the English Civil War ... which lead to the US war of Independence (which was English Civil War part II ... but no one ever calls it that). Which eventually lead to the US deciding that they needed a Civil war too, because if the English had one, they were going to do one bigger and better. Now the reason this was important, was it lead to a great advance in technologies. The siege of Petersburg introduce the use of the TRENCH. England decided that if the trench was good enough for the US (who were obviously so much better as they'd whooooped their butts), then it was good enough for English lads to stand in too. Of course, the rest of Europe decided to follow and soon everyone was standing knee deep in mud and waste products. WWI saw the introduction or popularisation of such things as the Air-eo-plane, the Tank, the machine gun, larger artillery, submarines, Battleships, the Battle Cruiser, the suicide run at a machine gun, mustard gas, more mud and trenches, fire and movement, the risk theory, air craft carriers, chemical warfare, the Xmas tree, James Bond (Mata Hari reference!), and bad posters telling us that someone 'WANTS YOU!' Imagine everyone's surprise when twenty odd years later there was a sequel. 'We'll call this one World War Two', said the marketing department. 'But, we just had the war to end all wars!' exclaimed the world. The marketing department just gave a knowing smile, tapped the side of his nose and laughed all the way to the bank. Where as World War One didn't actually involve EVERY nation on earth ... World War Two didn't either! Um ... yeah! By this time the English had helped the Ottoman Empire collapse on itself (with the help of T.E. Lawrence ... aka Lawrence of Arabia). This time however, Japan decided to emulate the Europeans by creating an Empire as well. This totally infuriated the Europeans, as they'd been telling the rest of the world to be more like them for years, and they didn't like someone actually taking them up on the offer! More advancements in technology followed. Planes became metal, Battleships became unimportant as the Aircraft Carrier proved a more worthy weapon. Hitler, a foreigner in German who unlike Napoleon ACTUALLY WAS A CORPORAL at one stage, decided he could rule the world. Not wanting to be outdone by Napoleon, he also attacked Russia. Russia had a new taactic by this stage. Stand, freeze to death, and have the enemy do the same. The Germans liked Lenningrad so much, they stayed and froze there for about four years. The Germans had discovered Rocketry, but had not invented the astronaut ... so they used their rockets on the English. They also invented the Blitzkreig (Lightning War), though very little lightning was actually fought against. Admiral Yamato told the Japanese he could only guarantee victory against the American's for six months. At Midway, he discovered he was right. Somedays, it doesn't pay to be right. The Americans respected him so much, they later shot him down in a plane. Eventually, the US discovered that using the NEW PHYSICS of Einstein and other German speaking people, they could blow up rather large quantities of anything they wanted. Rather than using against a military target (such as the Japanese Fleet at Leyte Gulf), they kept it and used it against a civilian population. The Japanese parliment decided they would fight on. So the US dropped a second one on another civilian population. The ever popularly stuborn Japanese Government decided agin they would fight on, until Emporer Hirohito told them to get real and surrender already. Beign told to 'get real' by their god was enough for the Japanese parliment to give it some thought and actually surrender. This war left the Americans believing they owned the world. I think I've now successfully insulted almost everyone on the face of the planet in some way or form ... and will continue with Part Three tomorrow. :-)