The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

02 July, 2005

Genealogy - Orange County - Life

Got up this morning, and decided to head down to the Local Genealogy Research centre (Family History Centre) run by the Church of Jesus and the Later Day Saints (aka Mormons). I asked my brother Jeffrey if he wanted to come with me. As soon as I asked, my mother pulled a face at me - one which basically said, 'Don't ask your brother to go with you!' I then asked her what the face meant. At first, she claimed she was just sucking her checks in and it meant nothing. That wasn't what she'd done at all, and I made the mistake of showing her the face she had made. She then denied that, and claimed she hadn't made any face at all, to the point that she started denying that she'd even sucked her checks in. She just kept calling me a liar and stuff. It made me really angry. I told her, 'If the face didn't mean anything, then I'll accept that!' She then continued insisting that I was lying and that no face was made at all and she wanted an apology. She denied admitting that she'd originally said that it didn't mean anything. She accused me of being paranoid and making things up to pretend she had a secret agenda against me. I refused to apologise and told her, 'Either tell me what you meant by it, or admit it didn't mean anything.' It just kept continuing with neither of us giving ground. Eventually she told me that she refused to continue talking to me. I said, 'Fine!' and walked off to get in the car. When I walked outside, she then tried to convince me brother NOT to go with me, even though he was quite happy to do so. He decided he was still going with me. Well, in the car on the way to the Family History Centre (FHC), my brother basically told me that he was 100% on my side over the incident. He just didn't mention anything when we were at home because he didn't want my mother getting upset at him. We both figured it was because it looked like I was going to go to the UK, and my mother doesn't want that. I know she has a problem with abandonment. Her own parents acted like they never wanted her, (even her mother to this day - her fater died very young). My father was always fooling around and acted like my mother was a slave - as well as leaving her several times. Somewhere along the line, my mother has developed some sort of defence where she starts pushing people away before they can reject her! She then starts to behave as though it is them causing the problems. I think it is how her mind justifies what is happening. She pretends it isn't HER, but the OTHER person - therefore it is THEM that has the problem. Unfortunately, everyone around her can see it is her with the issue. I have no idea how to fix it. I quite often listen to her complain about my father and her parents. I am unsure what else to do. Occassionally I try the counselling I learned when I was doing Drug Rehab at Kings Cross, Sydney. I am not a trained psychiatrist, (just a trained counsellor) so I hope just listening helps. [Funny story - I told a guy the other day that I used to do Drug Rehab at Kings Cross - he misunderstood and thought I ment I had been through Drug Rehab! As I was talking to him, he realised his mistake - we had a little laugh about it.] :-) Well, we got to the FHC and it was a good day. I was able to locate when and where my Great Great Grandparents were born as well as their parents, (My Great Great Great Grandparents) brothers and sisters and also my Great Great Great Great Grandparents! (It was really great! Oh dear, did I really say that pun!) :-) I also got the date and where abouts of their wedding. We (my brother and I) are planning on heading back again next Saturday. We got home, and my mother wasn't speaking to me. She had 'Bicentennial Man' playing on the video. I sat down and immediately my mother put on her grumpy face. I laughed at a few of the funny things in 'Bicentennial Man', but my mother just looked grumpy all through it. My brother and I then left her, as she was going to watch her football (Yes, in our house, we can't watch TV because my MOTHER is always watching sports, while us guys are doing other things!) We watched 'School of Rock' with Jack Black. It was okay. I then started palying 'Orange County', with Colin Hanks and Jack Black. I suddenly realised, as soon as Mike White appeared as one of the teachers, that he must have written both movies. So I checked, and he had. I thoughht 'Orange County' was the better of the two movies. IN a way, I was thinking about it, as I was watching it. I feel that it is very similar to what I have been going through my entire life. I hae a goal, and everything seems to be going wrong, and the peopel I love seem to always get in the way and stuff things up - even when they are trying to help it somehow hinders me! If you haven't seen the movie, Colin Hanks is trying to get into Standford to become a writer. All sorts of stuff happens to prevent him - like the School Counsellor sending someone elses grades in with his application - his family try to help by impressing a rich couple who can get him into Standford - only for his stoner brother, his drunk mother and surfer friends to completely ruin it. His GF, & brother drive with him to Standford -and his brother accidently burns the admissions office down and his GF accidently gives ecstasy to the Dean who can admit him. Everything just keeps going wrong, wrong, wrong. Hell, it is an analogy for my life! Well, in the end, a chance meeting with his writer idol Skinner (played my Kevin Kline) leads to him having a good think about what he REALLY wants from life. His GF, brother and he return to OC. His rich father gets back with his mother & decides to buys a new admissions office for Stanford which gets him in. ONLY he has re-evaluated his life, and realises that he wouldprefer to go to OC University where he can be with his GF, Friends and Family (whom he was really trying to run away from). In my case - it's a lot simpler - all I want to do is my friggin' Arts Degree, and have a job in the Arts. It's what I've wanted to do since I was at least 12 years old. I'm sure in some families, the opportunity never comes together for some people - yet, I never lose hope of trying to fulfill this dream. Everytime I hit a road block, I try to take another path - that path has lead me into IT - and has not allowed me to escape from it no matter how hard I try. It's not that I haven't had the occassional dip into the Arts - because I have - acting, writing, music, getting published, film work - yet never enough to get me going - and when the momentum does start to build (like with my old band 'Living Proof'), the lead guitarist leaves as he thinks everyone is coming to see him! Then he vanishes into thin air, as nobody wants him in their band! Gees, so hard, and so depressing. I know, you are all probably tired of me complaining. I can't do the Degree, as I have to pay up front - I can't pay up front as I can't afford it - I cant' get IT work as there is no need for my services in Perth - when I do get offered a job, the offer is taken away the next day - I want to go to the UK where I can get a job in IT again but everyone wants me to stay - when I do pursue arts, the Goverment hits it on the head - I can't get a grant either - yadda yadda yadda and I am running out of shares to sell to keep myself fed. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GO TO THE UK TO EARN SOME MORE MONEY SO I CAN AFFORD TO DO THE ARTS DEGREE!!!! It's all too friggin' complex for me some days! Gees. I am damned if I do, and I am damned if I don't! I'm overqualified for anything not IT - and underqualified for anything Artistic - even though I was previously a graphic designer - but the experience won't count as I don't have a degree, so I can't get a job doing it! I feel like I am being twisted one way and then the next. I really have to finish one of these novels - I think it might be the only way out!