The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

11 July, 2006

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE ONE]

So it was, in a small town called Smallethorpe in Small State USA, that a giant meteorite crashed into one Jonathan Kent's Barn. 'Daggnammit!' exclaimed Jonathan. 'I just got through paying that darn thing off! Martha, come quickly, cows have set fire to the barn again!' 'Don't be stupid Jonathan,' replied Martha. 'It's more likely those Amish down the road. You know cows can't use matches!' 'Amish are a peaceful peoples, and though I'm sure many of them are jealous of what had been my fine barn, I doubt they would do such a malicious thing.' 'That's what you said about the gremlins when they moved in, and look at how many times they've set fire to our stuff.' 'You're right, it was probably the gremlins again. I should never have bought them back with me after war world two.' 'World war two? It's nineteen thirty four!' 'What? They've changed when this happens again? I was sure this happened in the nineties last movie I saw!' Jonathan and Martha waited till the barn stopped burning and raced over to have a look. Well, when I say raced,it was a sort of amble, as old folks don't move that fast. In the middle of where the barn had been, was now a large crater. Within the crater was what looked like a spaceship. 'Daggnammit, Martha! They've dropped some big silver marble thing in the middle of my barn!' 'Don't be stupid, Jonathan! That's a spaceship.' 'Like, some of them martian type things! Oh, great! What's the bet I get eaten first.' 'Stop complaining. If you get eaten first, I'll be eaten second.' 'And look, it says "Open Other End". They daggnammity dropped it the wrong way up!' 'That's an alien language, Jonathan. You're not wearing your glasses.' At this point, a door opened on the surface of the spaceship and a small baby was seen on the inside, wrapped in red and blue clothing with a note. 'Daggmannity! There's some note there, and I don't have my glasses. How am I supposed to read that?' 'Stop complaining, Jonathan. You can't read alien languages anyway.' Suddenly, a holographic image appeared before them. It was Superman's father. 'Hi, my name is Jor-L. Yes, my last name is only a letter, even though I am an important scientists, my family is so poor we can only afford one letter or our surname. Anyay, getting to the point, I saved up all my money, and sent my only son, Kal-L away from our planet. We were doomed on our world, and as such, I needed some way to save my son. For all our technological advances, we couldn't stop the planet from becoming so poor, that everyone had to live off beans. Yes, beans. The unexpected result of this, was that the build up of methane on our world became so great, that we banned smoking, and well, anything that had an open flame. It was a disaster waiting to happen. So, I built this spacecraft and launched it into space towards your planet, that you call Earth. We know of the existence of Earth, as we've been watching your TV shows. In particular, Alf, and My Favourite Martian. Knowing how accepting you are of aliens, I decided to send my son to you. Please, look after him. Just never mention to him that the reason our planet exploded was because of his spaceship lifting off. You see, I hadn't thought it all the way through, and so when I launched the spacecraft, the planet exploded. You are probably wondering how I can tell you all that, when obviously it occured after the spaceship lifted off. Well, I implanted my consciousness into the main computer here. Thus, my mind has travelled here with all the wisdom of my planet. Well, actually, I included a copy of the Encyclopedia Kryptonica as well ... along with some copies of Krpytons version of playboy. Anyay, to make a long story short, this is my son, Kal-L, the only survivor of Krypton, due to a bean related incident we'd rather not discuss anymore. Imagine the embarrassment if our neighbouring start systems, Xenon and Argon ever found out what happened. After all, we are supposed to be the smartess sentient beings in the universe, and we go and blow ourselves to death with our own gas! Anyway, enough about that. Look, just look after the kid, and please, please, don't feed him beans!' 'Daggmannity! How am I supposed to feed an alien? I've already got cows, Gremlins and a wife to feed!' 'Jonathan, calm down. We always wanted a son.' 'Yes, but I wanted one that I could be proud of! A sort of superman. Instead, all I get is this scrawny bean eating alien, who co-incedentally looks exactly like a human!' 'I'm adopting him, and that's all there is to it, Jonathan!' And with that was born the legend of Superman. It explains his origins, how he came to be on earth, how the Kents adopted him, how the barn burnt down [important for insurance reasons] and why Carke Kent's planet was blown up.