Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Six

'Perry, Von, come with me, I have something to show you!' exclaimed Hernia. 'About time she started putting out,' said Von. 'It's nothing like that,' said Hernia. 'I want to show you what I've discovered in the room upstairs.' 'It's not Dumblebum's porn collection is it? Because we found that last week,' said Von. 'And Snack's,' added Perry. They followed Hernia up the rickety old stairs and ino a large room. At the end of the room was a pair of large doors. 'Shhhh,' said Hernia. 'It's behind the doors.' 'Well, duh!' said Von. They quietly sneaked up to the door and Hernia gently turned the knob. They could hear the sound of something large breathing. The door was heavy, but Hernia managed to open it without making too much noise. Sure enough, behind the door was a large three headed dog. 'It's a Shitzu!' exclaimed Perry. 'What's a Shitzu?' asked Von. 'It's a large place with cages and no animals!' exclaimed Hernia. 'I'm talking about the dog,' said Perry. 'It's a Shitzu. It's a breed of dog from China.' 'Really?' asked Von. 'I didn't know they grew three headed dogs in China.' 'I wonder if it's related to Cerberus?' Hernia asked. Perry and Von sniggered as they thought she'd said a dirty word. 'It's a three headed dog from hell,' Hernia added. Perry and Von stopped sniggering momentarily, looked at each other perplexed and proceeded to giggle again. Their giggling aroused Humpy the Shitzu, who immediately lept up and tried to mount all three of them. Luckily for them, Fartrid had nailed Humpy's back legs to the floor and he was unable to get to them. Unfortunately, they were unable to close the doors in time, and all three were washed from the room. They were lying there in a large puddle of sticky goo when Dumblebum and Snack walked past. 'Hmmm, what are you children doing up here in a puddle of dog drool?' asked Snack. 'Uh, nothing,' said Perry as innocently as he could. 'Well, get back to your dormitary before we send Fatrid after you with the battery and nipple clamps!' All three children began to run back to the Grizzleydore dorm, only to have the stair case they were on break. The bottom slide sidewards and ended up on a different landing than the one it was supposed to be on, and with the combination of the dog drool the children couldn't help themselves from sliding into the Sniveling dorm area. They landed at the feet of Malfort and a couple of fat kids. 'Well, if it isn't Perry Pooter,' said Malfort snidely. 'I guess you're read for the game tomorrow.' 'Game?' asked Perry at a loss. 'The game. Queeritch, between Grizzleydore and Sniveling! You're playing. Didn't you read the bulletin. I'm looking forward to seeing you snotted on the field.' Von lept up and yelled in Malfort's face, 'Perry's going to snot you on the field, Malfort!' 'I doubt it, Sleasley! I'm not playing!' Von was at a loss for words. Hernia and Perry just grabbed him and they raced off to the Grizzleydore dorm. 'You will snot all over the Sniveling team, won't you Perry?' said Von, more as a statement than as a question. 'I'll do my best,' replied Perry. 'Of course we'll snot all over them,' said the Dorm captain appearing in front of them. 'And you, Perry, have the honour of being our Snotcher!' 'Perry, the snotcher is the most prestigious position on the field!' cried Hernia. 'You must be the youngest snotcher in the history of Groundhogs.' 'Well, if you don't include the three year old snotcher, Stewie Griffindore from Quahog,' said Von. 'Amongst others,' said the house captain who rattled off at least another twenty or so names in his head. He just didn't mention that most Snotchers only lasted on average for about three games before being killed, which is why they always chose a young first year too stupid to realise they were going to die. He glanced casually over his shoulder through a window at a field with at least a hundred grave stones, all which bore the names of Snotchers who never got to graduate. At the end of the year, they'd knock them down ready for the next years Snotchers. Let's face it, this game was rough, and snotchers never got to last that long. 'Oh Perry, I'm so proud of you!' screamed Hernia as she and Von lept on him and tried to hump him through his clothes, both trying to via for the fame of being his first official groupy.