Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Five

Von was sitting there reading something invisible in his hand. 'What's that?' asked Perry. 'The joke of invisibility,' replied Von. 'That's stupid!' 'Yeah, I thought so too,' said Von, who crumpled it up and threw it over his left shoulder. 'So,' said Hernia trying to start a conversation. 'What do you think we'll learn today?' 'Not much,' said Von. 'We've been here for ages, and I still can't perform any magic.' 'You just haven't been paying the prop department enough,' replied Hernia. 'PENCILS DOWN! EYES TO THE FRONT!' screamed Professor Snack as he entered the room. 'Today, we learn about levitation. Also know as the art of making things appear to fly, when they have a wire attached to them.' 'Wow!' said Von. 'I hope the prop department remembered to put a wire on my feather.' 'SHUT UP SLEASEY!' screamed Snack. 'Now, the trick it is to say "ABRACADABRA" wve your wand and the prop man will pull on the wire making our feather float into the air.' 'Abracadavear!' said Navel, and a dead body fell from the roof onto his desk. 'You don't say Cadavear you idiot! a cadavear is a dead body,' Hernia scolded him. 'So I can see,' said Navel. 'A Bra Sized D Cup!' said Von wavin his stick in the air. His feather flew up his nose and got stuck there. 'Abracadabra you idiot,' Hernia said with venom in her voice. 'Achooooo!' replied Von. 'Why do we have to learn this stupid stuff anyway?' 'That's very easy idiot,' Hernia said. 'We need to introduce it into the story now so that people will know that we know it when we use it later!' 'Miss Groinage!' exclaimed Snack. 'Please refrain from the asides that detract from the story telling!' 'What are you talking about? Your very statement does the exact same thing!' 'Miss Groinage, don't make me have to go visit your parents and spank your mother!' 'My mother? What's my mother done?' 'Nothing, but if I spank you, it's off to prison for another fifteen years for me!' 'Just for spanking?' 'No, I have a terrible habit of pulling people pants down before I spank them, and also doing strange things with their wands.' 'Not with my wand. I haven't put the batteries in yet!' It was true. Where as Perry had a cricket bat, Von had a wobbly stick, Hernia had been given something of an entirely different nature. Navel had a pencil with the graphite removed (for his own good) and Malfort had an expensive ivory chopstick carved off the last remaining elephant in England. Some of the other children had an assortment of other long thin things. One had a licorice stick, another a french bread stick, another a stilletto knife. Lets face it, wands are dangerous things, and it is very easy to have someone's eye out, which is why some were made as dangerous as possible in order to reduce the child population of England. This is mainly as all English parents hate their children which is why all children are sent to boarding schools ... or at least all the books I've read would have me believe that. Suddenly, one of the other girls wands went off, as she had stuck the batteries in. The prop man got quite excited and all the feathers flew about the room. Fortunately for the prop man, that part was being played by a girl of nineteen pretending to be a thirteen year old, as is quite common in most Hollywood productions. 'So,' said Von. 'Why is it when I mention Bras the feather flew up my nose?' 'That's easy you idiot,' replied Hernia. 'It's a known fact that all men have sex on the brain, so mention bras and the feather heads towards your brain!' 'Good thing I didn't say Abra-anaconda,' said Von, who was suddenly knocked off his chair as something large flew up from under his desk and hit him in his head.