Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Three

***WARNING: Some bits not suitable for children!***

So it was that Perry, Von, Hernia and all the rest of the kids did what they were supposed to do at boarding school, they went to lessons. Amongst this was also numerous practical jokes each student played upon each other. Like shoving socks up one students bottom while he slept so that when he awoke he couldn't find anything to wear on his feet except his shoes. Or leaving a burning paper bag full of dog doo on a students bed, that sort of backfired when the bed, the curtains and most of the room went up in flames. No practical joke rated higher though, than leaving Michael Jackson in a students bed in order to scare the daylights out of them! So came the day when they were going to have their first lesson flying on a broomstick. They assembled themselves on the castle green where the teacher stood with a broomstick. The children were totally amazed at the sight of the broomstick hovering a few feet off the ground, as they had no idea where the wires attached to it went, as there was obviously nothing but blue sky above them. The teacher opened a wooden box with the words, 'Queeritch' written on the outside. 'Now student,' she said. 'How many of you know what I've got in my box?' 'Balls!' exclaimed Von. Malfort stiffled a laugh at some dirty joke th rest of the students were too young to understand. 'Not just any sort of balls,' continued the teacher. 'These are Queeritch balls.' Malfort stiffled another laugh. The rest of the students looked at him with strange looks. 'Now, the aim of the game is to catch the Snotch. It's a round green thing which flies through the air. If you catch that, you win the game. Now, for some unknown reason, the rest of the players fly around hitting these balls and scoring points, trying to kill each other and doing other strange things. I have no idea why they bother, as the whoel point is to catch the snotch and win the game!' The students looked impressed. 'Now you,' the teacher said addressing Navel Longbuttocks. 'Get on the broomstick, and we'll teach you to fly the thing.' As Navel climbed aboard, the prop men in charge of the wires attached to the broomstick pulled extremely hard and poor Navel was sent flying into the air eventually bouncing off the walls of the castle. If his parents had wanted him to grow up to be the amunition for a trebuchet,they would have been highly pleased. Unfortunately, for Navel, he wasn't made of the same material as the wall he hit, and as such came off the worse of the two. The teacher raced to his aid. 'Now the rest of you students behave yourself while I take Navel to the school nurse!' she cried over her shoulder. 'Bugger that for a joke,' said Malfort. Who immediately grabbed the snotch and threw it at her back. Fortunatel for Malfort, the snotch didn't hit her in the back of the head as he had hoped, but instead zoomed off into the air somewhere. For some unknown reason, rather than just report the blighter to the teachers, Perry decided to risk life and limb and lept onto the broomstick. No sooner had he done this, than the broomstick turned into some computer generated imagery and he was flying through the air. After the snotch the broom raced. Perry just held on the best he could while the broomstick wobbled all over the sky. Perry couldn't call it a pleasant ride, after all, he did have a wooden stick between his legs, which cause insurmountable amounts of pain everytime it decided to ascend or descend without warning. CRUNCH! 'OUCH!' CRUNCH! 'OUCH!' The commotion attracted the attention of other students in other classes who were amzed at Perry's natural ability to withstand such a ball crunching. By the time Perry had caught the snotch and returned the the ground, the head of Grizzleydore was on the ground to meet him and offer him a position in the houses Queeritch team. 'Oh, by the way,' the house captain said. 'You might need this ointment later on.' 'What's that for?' asked Perry. 'Don't worry, you'll know!' As Perry and Von were later lying in bed discussing the days events, Perry did in fact realise what it was for when the swelling and pain started to occur. It was luck that Von was there to quickly apply the ointment for his dear friend. 'Oh no, Von! I think it's swelling even more!' exclaimed Perry. 'Don't worry, Perry. I'll just keep rubbing it in.' Both boys were amazed at how well the magic ointment worked, as it magically multiplied into an enourmous amount of ointment and the swelling did disappear almost instantaneously.