Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Two

Perry awoke in the train. He had a spliting headache and a blood nose. The magic must have worked, as he'd obviously arrived safely on Platform nine and three quarters, even if he didn't remember anything between hitting the wall and awaking. There were two others in the compartment with him. One was a red headed boy who was eating a lot of magical sweets. The other was a young lass. 'I'm Hernia Groinger,' said the young lass thrusting out a hand. Perry assumed the other boy liked her, as a chocolate frog lept from his lap into his mouth. 'Hi,' siad the boy while chewing on the frog. 'I'm Von Sleasley.' 'Um, hi,' Said Perry trying to sit up straight. 'I'm Perry Pooter.' 'Not THE Perry Pooter,' said Hernia. Oh gees, thought Perry. Here we go again. Ten minutes later, after Von and Hernia and half the kids in the rest of the carriages compartments had raced in to see the 'famous Perry Pooter', he was able to reply in the affermative. After a long trip, which consisted of more people coming to see the well known 'Perry Pooter' and all, they arrived at Groundhogs. They were met at the station by Fartrid, who had somehow magically got their before the rest of the students by taking the express train which left half an hour before the Groundhogs Train on platform nine. 'Welcome to Hog ... um, I mean Groundhogs. Follow me Children,' said Fartrid. And like mindless dumplings all the children followed him. H Fartrid was delighted he hadn't resorted to the enchanted pipe he had to use last time. There was disasterous concequences when had attracted large rats that ate half the children. They arrived at Groundhogs and were ushered into a large hall to be sorted into houses. While waiting a lot of ghosts and vultures flew around the room. 'Oh look,' cried Hernia. 'That must be Sir John Thomas the almost headless.' 'What's she mean by almost headless?' asked Von. 'Ah, that's a long story,' said Sir John as he popped up through the middle of the table. 'It involved an accident during my circumcission operation.' 'And they almost decapitated you?' asked Von. 'Ah, in a manner of speaking, yes,' said Sir John as he flew off to join the other ghosts zooming overhead. Dumblebum walked to the front of the hall, and in a booming voice called out, 'Welcome to Groundhogs.' 'Listen up children,' said Professor Mynerveshave McGonnalot. 'In my hand is the sorting hat. When I call your name, you will come up here, and I will place the hat on your head. The hat will read yoru phyche and decide which house we will place you in. First, Dean Thomas!' A tall black youth walked up to the front and sat on the big chair. McGonnalot placed the hat upon his head. 'Hmmmm, tasty,' said the hat, and before McGonnalot could grab the hat, the hat had swallowed Dean Thomas whole, never to be seen again. [Yes, that's a reference to some missing text in the real book!] :-) Next is Dragqueen Malfort. Draco approached the seat with a litle trepidation. 'Hurry up boy, we don't have all day!' screamed McGonnalot. 'But the hat might eat me,' quivered Malfort. 'Don't be stupid,' said the hat. 'I've already eaten. I'm quite full!' Malfort sat downa nd McGonnalot lowered the hat. 'Hmmm, tasty,' said the hat, and Malfort shot off the chair. 'I'm just messing with you,' said the hat. Malfort sat down again. 'Still,' continued the hat. 'You are quite tasty. Hmmm, I think I know where to put you. SNIVELLING!!' There was a great cheer, especially from the house of Snivelling, as they had a new freshman to treat like crap. All the freshmen cheered as well, thinking it was good not to be eaten. At Groundhogs, there were four houses. Each house had a specific characteristic. Snivelling's characteristic was that it was a bunch of whingers who hated to lose. As such, they often cheated, lied and used all sort of ruses in order to win or do good. When things don't go their way, they complain andpretend like they've been cheated. Slavenmore was where the studious students went. Basically, they were a bunch of nerds who would likely never have any friends and would spend more time in the library than watching television or getting laid. Grizzleydore was where the bravest went. This was because the houses founder Goshric Grizzleydore ahd been eaten by a grizzley bear while trying to get a snap shot for his blog. Actually, when they say it's for the bravest, what they really men is people too stupid to realise they are in grave danger. The last house was Hoofapoof. This was for those who were to socially lame to make it into the other three houses. To scared to whinge their way into Snivelling, too stupid to make their way into Slavenmore, too cautious to be in Grizzleydore and generally a bunch of blouse wearing bedwetters. 'Next student. Perry Pooter,' called McGonnalot. Perry approached the big chair, and all the students in the great hall try to see him as he apprached the chair. Perry sat down and McGonnalot lowered the hat onto Perry's head. '"Hmmm,' said the hat. 'You're not using an anti-dandruff shampoo I can see. Have you tried DragonPoo Shampoo? It's what I use, and look how bright and shiney my hair is.' The hat swished itself and long blond locks appeared from nowhere, shiney and moving through the air in slow motion. 'That's enough hat,' said McGonnalot. 'You're supposed to be sorting him, not advertising a company you own shares in.' 'Grrr,' grumbled the hat. 'Let's see, this is going to be hard to sort.' 'Because I'm so complex?' asked Perry. 'No', said the hat. 'Because your cranium is twice as thick as most people. Hmmm, maybe Snivelling.' 'Oh no, not Snivelling,' said Perry. 'Not Snivelling, eh? Think of the advantages. You could buy cheat notes cheaply, squeal like a pig when you don't get your own way, and brown nose your way into a managerial position in most blue chip companies. You might even become a politician and have a position up the American Presidents butt.' 'No, please, not the American Presidents butt!' 'Okay then. Not Snivelling. Hmmmm, you wear big nerdy glasses, and you're an abject bedwetter, but I think I know where you belong! GRIZZLEYDORE!' The Room erupted in cheers and applause. 'Von Sleasley,' called out McGonnalot. 'Hmmm,' said the hat as Von sat down. 'Already smuggled illegal drugs into the school, and has a large collection of internet porn. That's very brave! GRIZZLEYDORE!' Von returned to his seat very happy, not realising that Dumblebum had already raced to Von's room in order to cease Von's porn for his very own viewing pleasure. 'Hernia Groinger!' Hernia made he way to the hat. 'Hmm,' said the hat. 'I know a lot of people will wonder how you've got into the house I'm placing you. It seems totally out of character, but I know all your secrets. Grizzleydore.' 'How did you make it into Grizzleydore?' asked Von. 'It's supposed to be for brave people who bend the rules.' Herenia just kicked him between the legs under the table and acted as though nothing had happened. The hat spotted it and smiled knowingly to itself. 'Okay,' said the Grizzleydore house captain. 'As I take you up the stairs to our rooms, remember to be very careful. The stairs have a habbit of moving a lot, and sometimes students have been known to fall to their deaths.' 'Wow!' said Von. 'Magic staircases!' 'No,' said the house captain. 'Just badly maintained ones. Oh, and don't use the elevator either, they're worse than the stairs.' As he said this screams from an elevator shaft raced past as several students plummeted to their untimely deaths. 'See,' said the house captain. 'I told ya!' TO BE CONTINUED!