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List of things to blog about:
- Harry Potter send up - I'll do Part One Today!
- Hobbit Send up
- Wuthering Heights send up
- Da Vinci Code (Though I've neither read the book, nor seen the movie, but I'll do something with this!) :-)
Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part One
A large vulture swooped into the street in Little Whinger, Surrey. In it's talons it carried a magical letter addressed to Perry Pooter. The magical letter was in fact an invitation to visit Groundhogs, a boarding school for wizards, witches and bedwetters.
Many magical letters were constantly being delivered to Perry Pooters house, where he lived with his really nice non-magical Aunt and Uncle and cousin Dougle. For some reason, Perry prefered to live under the stairs, where he kept a stash of porn magazines and had drilled a hole so as able to see up ladies skirts when they used the stairs.
Of course, the head of the Boarding School, Professor Allbutt Dumblebum didn't know this, and thought the Aunt and Uncle were in fact mistreating Perry by forcing him to live under the stairs.
With this in mind, Dumblebum sent his good friend and Groundhogs grounds keeper Rupert Fartrid to collect Perry and bring him to the school.
Now Perry was a very special sort of wizard. He was in fact very famous in the magic community, as he'd survived an attack by the all mighty Voltagemore. Voltagemore had been the most powerful wizard who had ever lived, and had also invented cold fusion and played in a death metal rock band. He had attacked Perry and his two parents, as he just really hated them playing their Kylie Monogue records up full blast. Even though Volategmore actually lived two suburbs away, he could still here the records being played. That's how loud it was.
So, Voltagemore had wandered over to their house and smashed their Kylie collection with a large sledgehammer. Unfortunately, while trying to stop him, Perry's parents had placed themselves in Voltagemore's backswing and got hit in the head. A piece of one of Kylies CDs also splintered off, hitting Perry fair square in the head, causing a strange triangle scare above his right eye. It was lucky Perry was wearing safety goggles at the time, as he might have got hit in the eye.
Perry would often rub the scare with his hand wondering why he had the urge to do the locomotion.
It was a few days before Perry's eleventh birthday that Fartrid kicked open the door to the house. He went to the door to the stairs and opened it, upon whcih he found Perry picking his nose. If Fartrid had not arrived in time, Perry probably would have put his finger in his mouth.
'Ah, if it isn't Perry Pooter. Didn't you get any of the invitations to attend Groundhogs?'
'You mean those letters that arrived with vulture poo all over them?'
'Yes, the very same.'
'Yeah, but they were hard to read. Do you know how much poo a vulture does? Why can't you just send them via the normal postal service?'
'Well Perry, first of all ... um ... er ... it's too expensive.'
'Expensive? You're telling me a twenty pence stamp costs more than feeding and training a bunch of vultures?'
'Um, er ... you can bring that up with Dumblebum at the next school council. In the meantime, I have orders to bring you to Groundhogs.'
'But I don't want to go. I like reading the porn magazines I've shoplifted over the years.'
'I'm sorry Perry, but as a minor you don't have a say. You're coming with me.'
'Isn't this akin to kidnapping?' asked Perry's Uncle, Jam Pooter.
Fartrid just hit him over the head knocking him out. Aunt Riry and Dougle were very scared and upset. Fartrid picked up Perry and dragged him screamin and kicking out the door.
'I'm being kidnapped! Call the police!' Perry screamed as Fartrid dragged him away. The neighbours didn't do a thing, because that's how society is now a days. No one lifts a finger to save anyone.
Fartrid took Perry to a magical alley. Well, it wasn't so much magical, as much as it was a place with an oeuvra all it's own. It was here that Perry gathered supplies he was going to need for school.
'One magical wand,' said Fartrid as he lead Perry into a shop with 'Magical Wands' written above it.
'So, this is the famous Perry Pooter,' said the man behind the counter.
'Ah, that it is,' replied Fartrid. 'The famous Perry Pooter.'
'Yes, yes, the famous Perry Pooter.'
'Ah, yes, Famous he is. The famous Perry Pooter.'
This continued for ten minutes. In fact, everytime Perry met someone a similar conversation ensued where the person would be intrigued andsay his name over and over with the word 'famous' bandied about as though it was more useful than the word 'the'.
'Here,' said the shop clerk eventually. 'We need to get you a wand.'
'Duh,' replied Perry, who had practically fallen asleep during the conversation.
'Now, I find a wand normally chooses the magician and not the other way around.'
'What's that mean?' asked Perry.
'Well, you do a little test. You stick it in your ear and if it doesn't go through your eardrum, then it's your wand. Of course, you can really only get it wrong once.'
'I've never heard of anything moe stupid in all my life!' exlaimed Perry.
'Well, it's worked well for magicians who do the same thing with cigarettes ad pencils for years. You can also make them come out your nose too you know!'
'Just hand me a wand!' said Perry.
'Let me see,' said the shop clerk, and he thought long and hard. 'Ah yes, this one should do.'
The clerk stood on a ladder and shot across the room to a group of boxes on a high shelf. He picked up a box containing a wand which had Staedler 9B written on it. He handed it to Perry, who gave him an incredulous look.
'Well,' said the shop clerk. 'Stick it in your ear and see if it pokes through your eardrum!'
Perry just waved it around a little and a man standing outside was transported to the moon, where he subsequently died from the lack of oxygen and landed face down on a golf ball.
'Hmm, not that one I suspect,' said the clerk as he shot across the room to another group of boxes and another group of wands. This one had Castell 7H written on it. He handed it to Perry. Perry waved it around a little. Outside a Marilyn Monroe impersonator had her hair fall out and Clark Gable a moustach grew on her face.
'Hmm, not that one either,' said the clerk. Another wand was produced formanother high shelf, and Perry waved it around a little. Absolutely nothing happened.
'What's this one called?' asked Perry.
'A stick,' said the clerk. 'It's a lot safer than giving you an actual wand. Curious though, that Lord Voltagemore also uses a stick, only his is usally called a Baseball Bat. This stick is the brother to that one.'
'What's mine called?'
'Cricket bat.'
'Kewl!'
With that, Fartrid took Perry to the train station. '
Now look Perry,' Fartrid said. ' The magical train to Groundhogs leaves on platform number 9 and three quarters. You have to run at that brick wall as hard as you can in order to get into there.'
So Perry ran as harde as he could and smacked into the wall knocking himself out immediately.
Fartrid had a good laugh as he wandered off.
'Ah,' Fatrid chuckled to himself. 'It never amazes me how often that one works on the new kids!'
PART TWO TOMORROW.
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