The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

17 May, 2006

Lord of The Rings in One Thousand Two Hundred and Six Words or Less

'Look Gandalf, Bilbo gave me a magic ring,' said Frodo. 'Frodo, you better chuck it in the cracks of doom, as it's evil and Sauron wants to use it to rule the world.' 'Master Frodo, I want to come too and help you evade those nasty Ringwraiths,' said Samwise, but it was too late, they had already arrived at Rivendell with Pippin and Merry. 'What's the matter Master Frodo?' 'I've been stabbed by a Ringwraith you idiot!' 'Oh, yeah! But we're telling this so fast I didn't notice till now!' Gandalf stood before the council, 'We need to form a Fellowship of the Ring to help Frodo on his way.' 'That'd be a good name for a book,' said Stryder. 'Wait a second, I haven't volunteered yet!' screamed Frodo. 'Yes, you did! It was about five minutes ago, we just forgot to mention it till now!' 'And he has my axe,' said Gimli. 'He does? The thieving bastard!' said Legolas. 'No, I meant I offer my axe for his protection.' 'Oh, that's different! Then he has my bow!' replied Legolas. 'Because you're offering to protect him too.' 'No, the little buggers stolen my bow! Let's get it back!' With that the Fellowship left Rivendell on route to the lands of Mordor. 'Ah gees Gandalf, we're stuck in the middle of a Dwarven mineshaft with a Balrog chasing us!' exclaimed Pippin. 'Don't worry Pippin, I have a plan!' Gandalf threw himself in front of the Balrog. 'What is your quest?' The Balrog replied, 'I seek the Holy Grail!' Unfortunately the bridge collapsed and they were unable to complete the Monty Python scene they both loved so much! Down, down, down they fell ... till eventually the rest of the fellowship heard a 'plop' and a small puff of cartoon smoke appeared at the bottom of the ravine. Boromir's eyes glazed over as he approached Frodo, 'Frodo, I want your ring!' 'You can't have the Ring of power?' 'What's a ring of power? I've been trying to pick you up ever since we wandered into this gay disco!' Frodo screamed and ran, but it was too late, Orcs descended into the disco and shot Boromir with arrows. Frodo reached the river and took one of the boats in an attempt to cross over to the other side of the river. Samwise spotting him, bravely stood an a piece of glass which went through his foot! OUCH! Luckily, filming was stop till they could get him back in the boat with Frodo! Legolas cried out, 'Oh no, Frodo's gone, Boromir's dead, and I can't find Gimli!' 'Will you quit it with the short jokes, I'm standing right next to you!' replied Gimli gruffly. Legolas sniggered to himself. 'I've got a plan,' said Aragorn. 'We'll all go to Rohan, convince them we're mad, have them take everyone to Helms Deep where we'll get attacked by the Orcs!' 'And we defeat them in battle!' said Legolas. 'That's an even better plan! I wish I thought of that last bit!' 'Um, where are the other Hobbits?' asked Gimli. 'Stop stealing my jokes!' exclaimed Legolas. 'It wasn't a joke, I think the Orcs took them!' Merry and Pippin had been stolen from the gay Disco and were being taken to see Saruman. On the way, they escape from the orcs and fall in love with a big tree ... who then decides to declare war on Saruman and smash his castle to bits. 'My precious!' 'Stop calling me that Sam!' 'It wasn't me Master Frodo! 'My Precious!' 'Cut it out, I'm not going to have sex with you!' 'It wasn't me! It's that foul creature over there that followed us from the gay disco!' 'My precious!' 'Give him Boromir's phone number and tell him to push off!' 'Hey, you heard the master, push off!' 'My precious!' 'AH GEEES! Sam, hold the creature while I beat the crap out of it Sinatra style!' 'With pleasure master Frodo.' 'I don't like hobbitses!' 'Wait Sam, maybe he wasn't trying to pick us up after all!' 'I don't trust him master Frodo, I still think he's after something!' 'I want my precious.' 'Your precious? What's that?' 'I think he's after your ring master Frodo.' 'Don't be stupid Sam, that was Boromir's pickup line.' 'Nasty hobbitses stole my precious from me! My precious!' 'Aw, his nuts! Wonder if he can show us a way into Mordor?' With that, Gollum took Sam and Frodo to a giant Spider named Shelob, which Sam sprayed with flyspray and she died! Meanwhile at Helms Deep! 'Legolas, secure the defenses! The orcs are attacking!' 'Looks like your plan is working so far Aragorn. So, how do we defeat them?' 'Eh? Defeating them was your part of the plan!' 'Ah look Master Frodo, the big black gate that leads to Mordor!' 'I thought we already got into Mordor!' 'Um ... er ... okay, time jump! We're in! Cracks of Doom here we come!' 'Ah yes, here we are Legolas at the tower city of Minas Tirith!' 'What happened at Helms Deep? I don't remember.' 'Will you stop talking about it! Gees, just because your part of the plan worked! Now, my second part of the plan! We have a big battle out the front of Minas Tirith!' 'And we defeat them again!' 'Will you stop adding to my plans! What are the chances of pulling that off twice? Not much! Now just die like a hero so they can write songs about us!' At the end of the battle lots of elephants, horses and dead bodies lay about Minas Tirith. 'Woo hoo! We won!' 'Shut up Legolas! Must you rub it in!' Faramir came up to Aragorn, 'Your plan worked, you truly are the King! Welcome back!' 'My part of the plan worked too. Not just Legolas's! Bloody elves!' 'Ah, yeah, I wasnt' talking to Legolas, I was talking to you! You are the rightful King aren't you?' 'Um, er, yeah sure! I've got another plan, let's go have a big battle in front of the gates of Mordor!' 'In order to distract Sauron from Frodo's presence allowing him to throw the ring into the cracks of doom! And we defeat them once and for all,' chimed in Legolas. 'Stop adding to my plans already!!!!' And so it came to pass, that the armies of Aragorn the King amassed in front of the gates of Mordor. 'Master Frodo, you have to throw the ring into the lava.' 'I can't Sam ... I'm ... going ... to ... put ... it on!' CRUNCH SLURP 'Argh! That bugger Gollum has bitten my finger off!' 'Shouldn't have given him the bird Master Frodo.' And with that Gollum lost his balance and fell into the molten lava below with the ring, and a hobbits finger he'd mistake for a kit kat! 'Horray!' cried Legolas as Mordors army was scattered to the four winds! 'Oh, just live it up Elf boy! I am a King you know!' And there was much partying rejoicing and the gay Disco, once trashed by Orcs was rebuilt into a three story disco for all sexualities to live in harmony. Thus ending the tale of War of the Ring!