The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

19 May, 2006

Greek Mythos - Story of Dabidios!

As with most Greek Myth, our story begins in ancient Greece. In the times of the gods of Olympus and in a time when the ancient god Zeus used to like pretending to be a cow in order to seduce women. In this case, it was not Zeus, but a lesser demi-god Hippofattus who decended from Olympus in order to muck about with the lives of mere mortals. He disguised himself as a wandering donkey that performs stand up comedy routines. He wandered about Greece till he came to a small town on the Isthmus called 'Gates of Hades, do not enter here', which was a strange name for a town. It was however quite apt, as the town did in fact contain a portal to Hades. Around this portal was built a stand up comedy club into which the lesser demi-god Hippofattus arrived in order to perform his stand up routines. Amongst the audience was a wood nymph named 'Bicyclita', who was also the towns bicycle repair person. Often, when people asked where the town bicycle was, people would point to her and say, 'there you go.' Hippofattus and Bicyclita's eyes met and they fell madly in love instantly. Much to the embarrassment of the rest of the patrons, as they started getting it on in the middle of the stage, inventing the first sex club, which was an instant hit amongst horny men. The result of this union was the offspring Dabidios. As with most unions of gods, demi-gods, nymphs etc in Greek Myths, Dabidios grew up to be a hero. Of course, having actually not done anything this was a little difficult to tell. At first he tried dressing with a lions skin wrapped around him and carrying a huge club similar to his uncle Heracles. Alas, the club was heavy and in winter the cold wind would blow up his lion skin giving him weird chills in places he was yet to discover! He then tried walking around with a huge spear and a bulls head for a hat. He found the winter was still getting cold, so he decided to put the lions skin back on. He was also getting laughed at by other people in the town, after all, it's not everyday you see some guy walking around naked with nothing but a bulls head on his head! His parents dispared, till one day Hippofattus decided that maybe some labours might be the way to go. In the same fashion that Heracles had performed his twelve labours and Theseus had his six labours, it was decided that Dabidios had to perform some labours. Being only a semi-demi-god (cause let's face it, the god blood was thinning out more and more as we decend the family tree), it was decided that only three tasks needed to be performed. Living in a town where there was a gate to Hades, it was decided that Dabidios's first task was to decend into the fires of Information System hell, where he was to manage databases for ignorant managers who thought you could get any information you want from a computer by just pressing one button. After four years in this hell, Dabidios task was complete and Hades allowed him to return to the surface for a quick breather. The second task was decided. Back into the hell fire of Infomation Systems he would travel. This time, his task was to look after Systems, but, his task was made all the worse as the managers used to give any old person root access to the systems, and any complaints by Dabidios were greeted with spurious ridicule. For six years he laboured, with customer complaints regarding software he had never seen and had to support blind. Customers complaining regarding things which had nothing to do with his department, yet his department was made a scapegoat of anyway. Managers making decisions on the systems based on what the sales person told them, and not the system specifications as written out by the System Architect. Files mysteriously disappearing from the system never to be seen again. Then, after the six years, he completed his task and was allowed to return to the surface. His third and final task was to slay a minataur, an hydra, a sphinx and a medusa. His only weapons being a nappy and match! This was by far his easiest task. He turned up at the place where the medusa, sphinx, hydra and minataur were to be found. It was a labyrinth made from old car bits, lots of the car bits had been squished into cubes. In order for the medusa not to turn him into stone, he placed the nappy on his head. He walked cautiously through the labyrinth touching the sides with his left hand. Soon, he heard the hissing of snakes. This was the medusa's hair. Quickly he lit the match and threw it down her top (which isn't easy with a nappy on your head). While she was trying to get the burning match out of her cleavage, he grabbed her by the legs and dragged her threw the labyrinth. She kicked and screamed, but his strength was too much for her to get out of his grasp. With her behind him, he was able to take the nappy off his head. He ran through the labyrinth till he came upon the Minotaur. Quickly he threw the medusa at the minotaur. They hit each other face to face, instantly turning the minotaur into stone. Dabidios put the nappy back over his head, and raced over to where the medusa lay half stunned from the impact with the minotaur. He grabbed her by the legs and started dragging her behind him again. Once again he was able to take the nappy off his head. This time, he came upon the Hydra. Once again, he thrust the medusa at the hydra, and all seven heads saw her face and turned to stone. He picked up the medusa and ran through the Labyrinth again till he came upon the sphinx. The sphinx (being female) was immune to the medusa's stare, but Dabidios didn't know this and threw the medusa at the sphinx. The sphinx caught the medusa in mid air and ate her! 'Uh oh!' exclaimed Dabidios. 'Well Dabidios, we meet at last. Do you know the rules about sphinxes? We give you a riddle, if you can solve the riddle you can go free, else I eat you,' said the sphinx. 'Can I phone a friend?' 'No, you idiot! Are you ready to answer my riddle?' 'Yes!' 'What type of animal has drool coming out evenly on both sides of it's mouth, sleeps with your girl friend, needs information punched in more than once, and when it knocks on your door the knocking slows down?' 'That's easy, that's a drummer with his drum riser level!' With that, the sphinx lept off a cliff and killed itself, and Dabidios's three labours were complete. I told you the third task was the easiest! ;-)