The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

08 December, 2005

Tokyo Gay Hamster Wars Part Seven (A Manga with no pictures!)

Kenji stuck up a big sign next to the smashed glass. It said, 'The undercover, monkey training, hamster feed pellet shooting Yakuza gang did this.' As Shou and Ryota walked into the Gay Hamster Bar, they noticed this sign. They gave each other a curious look. As far as they knew, they were the only two survivors, and as such the only two members of UM. How weird that someone smashed up the Hamster cage and blamed them for it. Surely there was some mistake. With a name so convoluted as theirs, who would have done this and blamed them? Shou noticed the two members of the Beer Guzzlers and waved to them. The one who was now the head honcho didn't wave back. In fact, they both stood up and stubbed out their cigarettes. They moved from behind the table and Shou noticed they both reached into their coat jackets. 'What happened to the hamsters?' asked Ryota. 'We were going to ask you the same question,' said head honcho. 'Surely there is some mistake,' said Shou. 'We've never seen this bar before, let alone ... attacked an innocent hamster cage.' 'Are you sure?' asked head honcho. 'Positive,' replied Shou with vigor. He began to suspect that the Beer Guzzlers were somehow behind the attack. As they conversed and Shou tried to convince them to return to their table, two Gaijin and their extremely hot Asian girlfriends entered the bar. Even head honcho and his sidekick noticed the two girls. The distraction was enough for Shou to usher the two Beer Guzzlers back to the table. One of the girls went over to the juke box and touched it with her finger. An extremely amazing piece of electronica began to play. BOOM BOOM BOOM You just like me when I'm Knurd BOOM BOOM BOOM. The two hot girls began to dance like professional dancers going through a routine they had rehearsed for months. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM 'Look,' continued Shou. 'I find it incredible that I walk into a bar that I've never been in before, and I find our gang's named blamed for something we never did. Surely you cannot think we had anything to do with this. There are only two of us.' 'Who do you think did it then? Surely you don't think it was us. After all, by your own argument, there is only two of us,' said the head honcho. 'Ah, yes. We seem to have eliminated both our gangs as possible suspects.' 'Unless you had help of course. The Rampant Skaven Bald Headed Weevel Yakuza Gang are very chummy with you, are they not?' 'They are almost bed mates to you. You might have got them to help you do this.' 'And why would we do this ... thing!' 'In order to discredit our gang. To cause some sort of rift between our gangs maybe.' 'Then it might have been committed by the Black Water Goo Dragon Cave Wasp Yakuza Gang.' 'Ah, but the ... um ... Goo Dragons are enemies of your gang, and not at all hostile towards us. Surely it should be a gang mutually hostile towards both our gangs.' 'That is true. The Book Reading Hell Buffalo Jet Hair Yakuza Gang doesn't like either of our gangs.' 'Yes, but they are not openly hostile towards us that much. May I suggest the Turtle Soup Giant Elm Thuggie Yakuza Gang, they at least have shot at both our gangs.' 'Ah.' interrupted Ryota. 'Not possible. He was put in jail last week for unpaid parking violations.' 'Really?' asked sidekick. 'I heard he'd rather shoot it out with the police rather than pay the one hundred yen.' 'You would think he would be true to his word, but alas he chose to spend the month in jail instead,' replied Ryota. 'Well,' said sidekick. 'I never thought he would chicken out of a shoot out after bragging so much.' 'It was his girlfriends doing,' said Ryota. 'She said he was baka to shoot out with police. She wanted him to pay the fine.' 'But he didn't,' said sidekick. 'He still refused.' 'It was a matter of principle. You have to respect that.' 'If I may interrupt gentlemen,' said head honcho. 'We have to work out who has framed you in order to find out who is trying to cause tension between our clubs. I must admit, we were on the verge of shooting you both when we suspected it was you.' 'And we don't want a repeat of the "forget the year" party do we,' said Shou with a nervous laugh. 'Of course not,' the other three agreed in chorus. The song changed. DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF TURN OFF THE MUTE! TURN OFF THE MUTE! GET OUT OF THAT SUIT! PASS ME YOUR LOOT DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF The girls went into a completely different routine. 'I wouldn't mind getting both of them alone,' said sidekick. 'Hah! You would have trouble with one of them,' replied head honcho. 'Anyway, the hamster entertainment seems to have escaped us tonight. Maybe we can return when they have some more gay hamsters.' 'You are not leaving yet?' asked Ryota. 'No, not yet,' said head honcho. 'I want to meet those two girls. Those gaijin boys are easy pickings. We'll have their girlfriends come home with us in no time. They will be left here crying like two ... um ...' 'Two gaijin boys?' offered Ryota. 'Like two howler monkeys whose penis have been nailed to each others foreheads?' offered Shou. 'Like two screaming virgins who are being done up the bottom,' offered sidekick. 'I was going to say, "like two babies", but I guess any of those might be apt for now,' said head honcho. An extremely worried thought went through his mind regarding the possible gene pool the Yakuza had been dipping into lately. Another part of his mind told him not to worry. Then a third part told him that maybe he should, after all, these guys are the face for the new Yakuza. A fourth part of his mind then said he wanted pizza and a fifth disagreed and thought a good fried unagi might be the way to go. A sixth part of his mind asked where the toilets were, as he was going to have to go soon, and a seventh part decided another round of beers might be in order. An eighth part of his mind asked if he'd paid his mobile phone bill and a ninth asked if he should return to finish his college degree. A tenth part of his mind just went, DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF WHY ARE YOU NUDE? STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOB I THINK IT'S CRUDE WHERE YOUR HAND IS GLUED DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF