The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

09 December, 2005

Tokyo Gay Hamster Wars Part Eight (The Motionless Anime)

Tayo was the head of the 'Lemon Llama Laughing Leopard Yakuza Gang'. He was driving himself home from the latest meeting. They were trying to decide the best way to take over some of the area controlled by the Turtle Soup Giant Elm Thuggie Yakuza Gang. After all, while he was in jail, there was no one looking after his area. When he returned, he would be forced to either assimilate with the Llama's or else they would get rid of him for good. Tayo had sat down with his four main group leaders. Some of the lesser groups would not be needed. The four groups would just go into the Thuggie area and use the normal stand over tactics. 'Pay us protection money, or we burn your shop down!' Standard stuff. Tayo chuckled to himself whilst remembering the amount they were due to make from this take over. He was hoping none of the other gangs had the same idea. That's why he had ordered one of the main groups to remove the nearby Yakuza Gangs for good. UM and the Beer Guzzlers were easy. After all, there were only four of them altogether. They could have the usual line, 'assimilate or die.' He felt a bit like a Yakuza Borg in that sense. The Skaven would be in for a nasty shock too if they tried to interfere. They had a good income, but their fighters are lazy and seldom trained. They would be easier to remove than a bra off a University student, male or female. The Goo Dragons were a bunch of school girls. Well, not literally, other wise he'd make them Llama moles. They were like school girls however, even though they were male, which meant they were not like school girls at all. But, other than the fact that they were not school girls, and were male, they were very much like school girls. Except they didn't go to school ... but other than all that, and the fact that they don't need permission slips from their parents, they were very much like school girls. Well, they didn't wear those sailor girl school uniforms either ... but, oh forget it, they are similar to school girls in many and varied ways without being exactly like school girls. That left the Hell Buffalo's. The only local group able to rival them in man power, fight power and sexual prowess. Well, maybe they also had a slight monetary advantage, but after the Llama's had control of the Thuggie area, no one would come close to their annual turnover. Being a Yakuza was really just a lot of accounting, except the Yakuza had better morals than most accountants and a better idea of the big picture. Most accountants were just lost up their own backsides looking for small change which might have lodged itself there while they were sitting on someone elses sofa. So it was, the first group would move into the Thuggies area, thus controlling it. The second group would remove rival gangs, and the next two groups were ear marked for the big fight between them and the Hell's Buffalo. With the advantage of surprise, it was going to be a piece of cake. Tayo wasn't sure what sort of cake. It might have been a piece of fruit cake, or even Tiramisu, or sponge cake. A nice Madeira would be good, along with vanilla frosting. All this thinking of cake made him hungry, and he pulled into a parking spot on the main street next to a cake shop. Unbeknown to Tayo, two young hamsters by the names of James and George also happened to be on top of the cake shop building. 'That's one,' said James. 'I saw his face on the computer when I hacked into the police records. He's a Yakuza boss.' 'Uhuh! Uhuh! What a co-incidence,' squeaked George. 'How did you know he would stop here? Uhuh! Uhuh!' 'Simple psychology, George my dear boy,' replied James. 'The police records allowed me to pin point where he lived. Then I was able to put a subliminal CD in his car which made him crave cake. I knew that he would stop here at the second cake shop on the way home, as it serves much more delicious cakes than the first shop. Then we slide down these wires onto the lamp post next to his car and leap in.' 'Uhuh! Uhuh! So, why didn't we just get in the car when you were loading the subliminal CD James? Uhuh! Uhuh!' 'What ... well ... I ... I never thought of that.' 'Uhuh! Uhuh! Well, we better move. He's just come out of the store with a cake and is getting into his car. Uhuh! Uhuh!' 'Waaaah!' James clipped his harness onto the wire and slid to the lamp post. He was joined momentarily by George. Tayo had pulled out from the curb and was pulling into traffic. 'Do something George. Fire the pellet gun!' 'Uhuh! Uhuh!' BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM Six pellets hit the back of Tayo's Mercedes and Tayo reacted on instinct. He immediately slammed his foot on the accelerator and started to weave his way through traffic. Unfortunately, without the aid of a Hollywood Second Unit Stunt Co-Ordinator team, he just wedged his Mercedes between an on coming Honda Accord and the Toyota Camry he tried to over take. It was mayhem. Pieces of car were all over the road, and the Honda and Toyota drivers were furious. The police were soon on the scene and Tayo was exchanging insurance information as well as explaining that he thought he was being shot at. He showed the police the pellet marks on the back of the Mercedes window. The police noted that someone, or something had in fact fired hamster feed pellets at him. They decided to take him down town anyway. As they lead him away, Tayo saw the two hamsters on the top of the lamp post. One with a feed pellet gun in it's little paws. 'It was them!' screamed Tayo. 'It was those two hamsters! Those giant hamsters were shooting at me.' 'Sure it was,' said one of the policemen. 'It was those nasty giant hamsters from another planet.' 'No! No! Look up there! Up on the lamp post! The hamster with the gun! It was the hamster with the gun!' 'Sure, sir. Can I ask, have you been drinking tonight at all, sir?' 'Look up at the lamp post! Look! The giant hamsters with the gun! They're trying to kill me.' With that, the police officers had him around the corner and heading towards the police station.