Autobiography of The King
As a lot of you know, I have a lot of connections with all sorts of interesting people. One of them, just happened to be an uncle of mine, who was decended from giants apes on my fathers side. Well, apparently, one of his giant ape grandfathers had a trip to the US back in the 1930's, and I just happened to grab a copy of the guys Autobiography. It's very interesting reading and comes with some snap shots.
Uncle Kong's Diary:
Well, there I was one day, just walking along, minding my own business. Went to the usual place for dinner, that place by the big wall where all those little people live. Normally I find something delisciously meaty tied up outside the wall waiting for me, but what friggin' happens? This:
That's right, they left some boney looking thing for me. Do you call that a meal? That's not even a snack! Well, maybe her breasts looked nice and tender, but the rest of her was just not enough to make a meal.
Well, I thought, I'll go find a MacDonalds on the island somewhere. Those things are everywhere. So, not wanting to seem ungracious, I took the entree with me and went in search of a good restaurant.
As I'm going along, what happens? This whinging T-Rex from a neighbouring island comes at me, crying about being picked on by some friggin' raptors and some other humans. Well, I just hate the way it was friggin' whining, so I beat the friggin' thing into a pulp.
Of course, I know they taste a lot like chicken, so I'm like thinking, I'll get the entree to fry some of it up for me, a bit of garnish on the side, a primavera sauce or something, voila! Dinner, in less than five minutes. They should sell it in packets. T-Rex cup a soup with noodles. Now there's a dinner!
Well, I kill the thing, when all of a sudden a heap of friggin' humans comes and attacks me. I'm like thinking, they must be more hungry than me. So, in all the confusion, I'm driven from the T-Rex dinner, I lose the entree, and I didn't get to eat any of the attacking humans.
Well, I think to myself, I'm still friggin' hungry, and I just remembered, it's the bloody nineteen thirties, ain't it. No friggin' MacDonalds invented yet. I slap myself in the forehead! Call myself a great ape! I'm a friggin' idiot!
Well, I hear them back at the usual dinner spot, so I'm thinking, 'Okay, they've taken the entree back as it wasn't enough. The matre d' has obviously exchanged it for a bigger meal.'
I head back there expecting to see something meatier. But NO! It's the friggin' entree tied up again. Okay, I'll eat your friggin' entree in front of you to stop you pestering me. Obviously I offended them somehow! So, I head over, and what happens, they have a friggin' trap set. They knock me out and capture me.
I wake up, and I'm like thinking, what is this? Let me guess, I'm gonna wake up, there's a note next to me saying, 'Ring this number if you want to live' and I find they've stolen my kidney's!
But, NO! I wake up, and I'm on a friggin' boat. I still haven't eaten mind you. Well, we're going along on the voyage, and that entree comes to visit me. I give her the finger, but none of them understand Gorilla sign language, so they think I'm being friendly.
They get me back to New York City. Now, I don't mind America, but I would ahve prefered a friggin' visa and green card so that I could at least work as a taxi driver. How am I supposed to feed myself without a job?
Well, I'm chained up on a friggin' stage. It's been DAYS. By this stage I NEED TO PEE!! And I NEED TO PEE NOW!!!
Well, I hear a bit of a commotion, and the curtains pull back! OH NO! My worst fear has been realised! There's all these friggin' cameramen and everything. All this time, I've been on one of those Friggin' reality TV shows! OMFG!!!!! [Oh my friggin' goodness].
Well, I think to myself, there is a law suit in this! Not only am I gonna sue, I'm gonna eat every last one of you friggin' b@$ta@rds! Especially Jack Black and Peter Jackson, as they look like they have some meat on their bones.
So, I rip the chains off ... I'm trying to find a friggin' toilet and a MacDonalds sort of restaurant ... and I'm horny too, so I'm looking for some New York hookers to get my rocks off with. Well, I end up catching the entree again! What a friggin' co-incidence!!! So I take her thinking, she must know somewhere to eat. But, she still doesn't understand what I'm askin' for.
Well, I climbed to the top of some tall building, and I'm like thinking I should be able to see if there is a toilet or MacDonalds style restaurant somewhere close. I start catching what I think are giant mosquitoes. But what happens! No meat on these things either, they're friggin' made of canvas and wood and metal.
Well, I'll sign off now. I really have to pee. If I don't go soon, it'll be the death of me.
That's right, they left some boney looking thing for me. Do you call that a meal? That's not even a snack! Well, maybe her breasts looked nice and tender, but the rest of her was just not enough to make a meal.
Well, I thought, I'll go find a MacDonalds on the island somewhere. Those things are everywhere. So, not wanting to seem ungracious, I took the entree with me and went in search of a good restaurant.
As I'm going along, what happens? This whinging T-Rex from a neighbouring island comes at me, crying about being picked on by some friggin' raptors and some other humans. Well, I just hate the way it was friggin' whining, so I beat the friggin' thing into a pulp.
Of course, I know they taste a lot like chicken, so I'm like thinking, I'll get the entree to fry some of it up for me, a bit of garnish on the side, a primavera sauce or something, voila! Dinner, in less than five minutes. They should sell it in packets. T-Rex cup a soup with noodles. Now there's a dinner!
Well, I kill the thing, when all of a sudden a heap of friggin' humans comes and attacks me. I'm like thinking, they must be more hungry than me. So, in all the confusion, I'm driven from the T-Rex dinner, I lose the entree, and I didn't get to eat any of the attacking humans.
Well, I think to myself, I'm still friggin' hungry, and I just remembered, it's the bloody nineteen thirties, ain't it. No friggin' MacDonalds invented yet. I slap myself in the forehead! Call myself a great ape! I'm a friggin' idiot!
Well, I hear them back at the usual dinner spot, so I'm thinking, 'Okay, they've taken the entree back as it wasn't enough. The matre d' has obviously exchanged it for a bigger meal.'
I head back there expecting to see something meatier. But NO! It's the friggin' entree tied up again. Okay, I'll eat your friggin' entree in front of you to stop you pestering me. Obviously I offended them somehow! So, I head over, and what happens, they have a friggin' trap set. They knock me out and capture me.
I wake up, and I'm like thinking, what is this? Let me guess, I'm gonna wake up, there's a note next to me saying, 'Ring this number if you want to live' and I find they've stolen my kidney's!
But, NO! I wake up, and I'm on a friggin' boat. I still haven't eaten mind you. Well, we're going along on the voyage, and that entree comes to visit me. I give her the finger, but none of them understand Gorilla sign language, so they think I'm being friendly.
They get me back to New York City. Now, I don't mind America, but I would ahve prefered a friggin' visa and green card so that I could at least work as a taxi driver. How am I supposed to feed myself without a job?
Well, I'm chained up on a friggin' stage. It's been DAYS. By this stage I NEED TO PEE!! And I NEED TO PEE NOW!!!
Well, I hear a bit of a commotion, and the curtains pull back! OH NO! My worst fear has been realised! There's all these friggin' cameramen and everything. All this time, I've been on one of those Friggin' reality TV shows! OMFG!!!!! [Oh my friggin' goodness].
Well, I think to myself, there is a law suit in this! Not only am I gonna sue, I'm gonna eat every last one of you friggin' b@$ta@rds! Especially Jack Black and Peter Jackson, as they look like they have some meat on their bones.
So, I rip the chains off ... I'm trying to find a friggin' toilet and a MacDonalds sort of restaurant ... and I'm horny too, so I'm looking for some New York hookers to get my rocks off with. Well, I end up catching the entree again! What a friggin' co-incidence!!! So I take her thinking, she must know somewhere to eat. But, she still doesn't understand what I'm askin' for.
Well, I climbed to the top of some tall building, and I'm like thinking I should be able to see if there is a toilet or MacDonalds style restaurant somewhere close. I start catching what I think are giant mosquitoes. But what happens! No meat on these things either, they're friggin' made of canvas and wood and metal.
Well, I'll sign off now. I really have to pee. If I don't go soon, it'll be the death of me.
***********
His diary was sent back home afterward. Apparently, he was the victim of some random fly by shooting or something. Or so the death certificate said. We think it might have been planned, and heard rumours the US airforce had something to do with it. Probably another Roswell type cover up involved.
We assume he found a toilet and ate. After all, he must have made an impression on the hookers in New York, as we often here the American's using the Phrase 'Hung Like King Kong', so at least we know he got his rocks off before the shooting. Poor Uncle Kong. At least he got to see New York City.
*****
All images stolen from this site. :-)
posted by Dabido @ 12/27/2005 09:34:00 pm
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