Deeply Insulted

There has been a recent 'tiff' in the blogsphere, over a certain blogger calling another one names as she was 'mistaken' for her. Other's joined in and also critisized this poor bloggers looks. At the end of the day, I think I am the most insulted. Phrases like this were bandied about: 'ugly, fat, look like a man, flabby' Hello!!!! I am an ugly, fat flabby man!!!!! I'm also OLD!!! I have ONE up on anyone who ONLY meets the first description!!!! 'she is so insulted because I'm the ugliest blogger she has ever seen' I mean, that just completely proves they've never had the common decency to even come here and have a look! Else, they would have said that I was the ugliest blogger they'd ever seen. I'm so darn insulted! I know, some of you will try to be nice and say nice things, like, 'You're not that ugly' and 'even baboons get girl friends' and 'shut up ugly elephant face and go eat another pizza'. But, let's face it, your kind words just won't help me. I know what happened at my birth. First, the Doctor slapped me ... in the face. The nurse pointed out his mistake and he said, 'That wasn't his butt?' After the doctor got through spanking me, the nurses queued up. Even my mother got a few slaps in. When doing their rounds, a matron mistook me for an Orangutan and I was briefly shipped off to the zoo until the mistake was realised. In fact, the mistake was only recognised when the Orangutans were found cowering in the corner and wimpering. Once I was removed from the cage they returned to their normal happy ape-like selves.

My baptism wasn't much better, with both my parents, the priest, my god-parents and half the congregation pushing my head into the baptisimal font in the hope there was enough holy water to drown me. My father used to give me pluged in toasters to play with in the bath. Worst of all, was my teenage years. I was invited [out of pity mind you], to a fancy dress party. It was 'come with a date' type party and only couples were being admitted. Well, not being able to get a date, [because I was so ugly], I dropped by the local zoo and kidnapped a gorilla. I arrived at the party and pretended the gorilla was my date. I also, turned up in a gorilla costume. Well, the gorilla mixed well with the people there, and even some of the other guys hit on her a bit. I realised I was onto something. From now on, I'd only accept invitations to costume parties and could just turn up with the gorilla. Then, disaster struck. The end of the night came around, and it was time for the prizes. I won the first prize for most realistic costume. The gorilla was furious (being an actual gorilla and all) and stormed out of the party. [It grabbed the host by the leg and dragged him back to the zoo, but that's another story.] No longer would I be able to attend costume parties. I later went to the zoo in the hope I could apologies with a bunch of bananas, but alas, by the time I arrived, I only had the banana skins left. [Which explains my weight problems]. After I got there, they were still trying to get the gorilla to surrender the parties host, and as such I wasn't permitted to enter. Worse was to come. One of the orangutans escaped from the zoo, and was at Kings Park. A fellow blogger walked up to it and asked if it was me. The orangutan was understandably upset. In fact, it threw poo all over the place, and proceeded to make those raspberry noises orangutans like to make. Let's face it, sometimes people do make genuine mistakes, and even I've mistaken people for other people ... or animals ... or inanimate objects ... or imaginary things. But, before going beserk and calling people names and everything, just remember who you are really hurting. Us bloggers who are actually ugly, whom you obviously never bother to read. And after all, even if you did blog about us ugly bloggers, don't you think we already know who we are. Like, it's a little obvious when we walk down the street and little kids point and say, 'Look mommy, it's an ugly goblin!' When villagers chase after us with pitch-forks and flaming torches chanting, 'Kill the beast! Kill the Beast.' When Hollywood makes movies about our lives and call it 'Elephant Man Meets Predator'. When churches ban the use of my name, as the very thought of my face makes the congregation vomit. [Collections have never been so chunky ... though it did keep some of the homeless kitchens well supplied]. So, remember. Don't go around claiming someone else is the ugliest blogger you've ever seen, as it just proves you haven't been to enough blogs.