Time to be Silly
It's been a while since I was silly on this blog, and let's face it, my readership has declined since I haven't updated the old Tokyo Gay Hamster Wars ... anyway, I saw an advert for a movie coming on TV tonight, and it sounded so silly, I thought I'd extend it a little:
This is what the new movie is about:
A white man who is chased by the mob has to wear make-up in order to pretend he is black so that the mob won't find him and kill him. [I found it silly, as it's been done to death, and probably a LOT better too. Now the added bits.]
Along the way, he decides to cross dress so that the mobsters will think he is a black women, he then places himself in a wheel chair to pretend to be disabled, along the way the mob hear he is dressing as a women, so he then dresses as a man pretending to be a women pretending to be a man, he changes his makeup to make him look like a black guy pretending to be a Chinese woman. The mob hear about this, so he buys a dog suit, pretends he is an alien, moves planets and gets elected President of the United States.
Upon becoming President, he declares war on everything, buys shares through insider trading, executes ET (who the CIA did actually catch), frees willy (who returns to President Clinton's pants), cross dresses some more, this time as a German Shepherd, wins a Tony award, buys a new car, finds out that aliens have been visiting the planet, but decides to kill off Agent Moulder who has evidence of this.
He then becomes a high flying lawyer who works in a Unisex communal toilet with doctors who have emergencies everyday with extremely rare diseases that have only occurred one chance in millions, but luckily the chief surgeon was at all the historic events when they were discovered and immediately recognises them and cures all the patients.
Meanwhile, the President is on a moon base which explodes sending the moon into outer space. In spite of a less than light speed velocity, the moon is able to reach distant stars in a matter of weeks.
He travels back in time, kills the mobsters BEFORE they start to chase him. Gets arrested for murder, escapes from prison in a ship, which hits an iceberg, leaving him stranded on a deserted tropical island somewhere near Tibet.
He discovers pasta and returns to Italy with it, only to find that Marco Polo had already invented it in his light bulb factory.
He then becomes a world famous rock star after his parents and everyone else tell him he will amount to nothing, and then switches careers to become a soccer player. His day job as a lumberjack proves to be holding him back, so he becomes an antarctic explorer who likes to eat his own sleigh dogs.
He steals Christmas, finds out he is the real Santa Claus and falls over while spinning around and around at the top of an Austrian hill near Salsburg, where he had composed his fifth and sixth symphonies (both in G Major).
He then contracts hiccough, wets his pants and falls over some more.
He discovers the Holy Grail, the Lost Ark of the Covenant and sleeping pills in a ladies handbag. He eats the Holy Grail by mistake and wonders why he can't get to sleep. He sings Handel's 'Messiah' from start to finish in Swedish while spinning on the top of an umbrella which was strategically placed their by the Tax Department.
He then becomes a poet for the CIA, and cracks codes while protecting a boy who is able to identify matchsticks from four feet away. The boy is being pursued by Soviet agents who are in league with Japanese soldiers who didn't surrender after World War Two, which by that stage hadn't happened due to some of the strings in string theory coming unravelled and causing Tokyo Tower to fall over.
Godzilla arrives, find Tokyo Tower is gone and returns to the ocean with a shake and bake pancake mix.
The mobsters have fallen through a crack in time and are once again after our hero, who hides in an antique bookstore where he falls in love with one of the girls behind the counter. He doesn't realise it, but she is also a highly paid call girl who tap dances and dreams of becoming a ballerina. He missing leg makes this near impossible, but fortunately due to a birth defect, she was in fact born with three legs. The Doctors saw off the third leg only to discover she had been a man all along ... well, not now!
Our hero avoids the mobsters once again by hiding in a Gin and Tonic. He sings the national anthem, only to find he doesn't know the words. He ad libs, making him an instant success, and the mobsters turn up to see his comedy act.
The chief mobster chocks on a pretzel, out hero saves his life with a heimlich maneuver. He then does an Immelmann and leaps over the mobsters before getting cloned and using the force to bind two droids to his butt cheeks.
A large storm blows in, sinking his ship, his whale and his submarine. He was standing on all three at the time, which involved more cracks in string theory, time unravelling, and small gophers digging under his feet.
He marries a women who ends up being his mother, sister and cousin all in one. He kill his uncle by putting poison in his ear, drowning his girlfriend and going completely bonkers and seeing his father, Don Giovanni, visiting him each night.
He makes a pact with a gollum that his soul will belong to Howling Wolf provided that the sandman doesn't eat him, or the giant worms before they catch the T-Rex they accidentally let out of the enclosure at the Lion Safari park in Kenya.
At this point, the mobsters catch up to him, he steals their gold, millions from their casino, and their underpants. He sells the underpants to gnomes who tick and explode.
He then marries a Princess and lives happily ever after, till he finds her cheating with mice that she once turned into valets!
And thus ends my new movie, Thomas the Tank engine finds religion!