The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

18 February, 2006

Last night, Today, blah blah

Last night was my younger brother Paul's Birthday. We went over to Paul's place. Both our family and his in-laws were over. First time for me to meet his father in-law and one of his sister in-law's. I think my brother is a bit nervous around his Gay Brother in-law and partner, as he always makes Gay jokes. Anyway, my younger brother has suddenly caught the Artistic bug. My mother and I searched high and Low for an art book whcih was actually informative, as a lot of them are just full of crap. If you are into art you'll know what I mean. There are GOOD art books (which actually are helpful) and other ones which seem to be Art Teachers ways to make money on the side, as they don't actually include much useful information nor do they actually do good paintings in them. I'm inclined to write my own art book one day, but I have a fear it might end up in the second category. lol I was discussing with my youngest brother Jeff where he'd like to go on holiday (as people have suggested he get out and see the world a little). I thought Europe, or Malaysia, but he doesn't want to leave the country. So I suggested Cairns. For some unknown reason, my mother got all upset of the conversation! Weird! Then she insisted that we all go on holiday somewhere down south for a few weeks. Like ewwwww! Actually, she wants to do the TreeTop Walk, which we had been planning as a day trip. The party was fine ... oh, it was supposed to be a surprise, but my brother Paul came home early before everyone had arrived. We got home, and my brother Jeff and I discussed today. We were hoping to work on some painting, and made plans. My mother over heard us.
Got up this morning and was doing some walking and self improvement psychology stuff on myself (which my mother considers BRAINWASHING MYSELF), but it involves techniques for removing things from your past which have been brainwashed into you and are holding you back. A lot of the things I am trying to remove is some self destructive behaviour I have and the fact that my family have always put me down & belittled my achievements. The sort of things I mean are:
  • I get 'A' grades and they make out anyone can do that.
  • My elder brothers hard earned 'C' grades were considered a greater achievement.
  • I was on the state team for Gridiron, so the make out it's nothing.
  • My father always told me I would be a failure.
  • My mother ALWAYS interupts me when I'm thing to study or work.
  • My father used to tell everyone I was gay.
  • My parents used to get my brothers and sisters to make jokes about me (especially gay jokes)
  • My parents through me out of home at nineteen
  • I was supposed to have been born a GIRL, but somehow I stuffed up their plans. (There are even PINK things from when I was young that they got!)
The list goes on. As you can see, I have a LOT of DEMONS. On top of that, I have the rejection from my Ex Wife to work through too ... and let's face it, my Ex Wife and Father both did the same sort of thing to me. They both always used to put me down, make me change things from ways they'd work to their way of stuffing things up, pretend I was doomed to be a failure, put down my achievements etc etc. THEN, to make it worse, they BOTH rejected me. It may not seem like much on the outside, but put nineteen years of that from my father, and then nine years of that from the Ex Wife (two years dating, and seven years of married), and you can tell why I'm sometimes so freaking freaked out by a lot of things. Let's faceit, I spend a lot of time berating myself, trying to be 100% perfect, and the abuse (no other word for it) has lead to the Teflon suit (which my readers are familiar for). Some peopel think that I haven't got over my ex-wife, but it's NOT her I am not over, it's the compounded rejection. ANYWAT!, I keep doing these psychological things to help break the past, and get myself heading into a brighter future. My mother on the other hand DOESN'T like me doing it, as she considers it BRAINWASHING. She has NO IDEA what I am doing, or what it means ... so she can't really judge, because as soon as I mention it, she tells me it's brainwashing and turns it into an arguement. Anyway, this morning I was doing the old technique of writing down my achievements and trying to impress upon myself the fact that just because my father and ex wife etc always used to ridicule it, does NOT mean that those things were not achievements. Both my family and ex-wife had done such a number on me, that there are times in my life that I actualyl do stupid things to sabotage perfectly good relationships with people. It's my brain trying to protect me from all the crap and pain that these people have inflicted upon me ... any way, the viscious cycle has to be broken. I've had times in my life when I was completely unstoppable, and yet somehow these people have gone out of their way to ensure I never succeeded. BUT, in their abscence, I often get to the same stage and because they are not there, I AM THE ONE who ends up breaking me. Anyway, I know some people out there have been in similar relationships. They've been with someone who spent all their time putting them down, and treating them like dirt. THEN, they go and dump you, compounding your problems. After all, we keep changing for these people, yet somehow everything is always our fault ... and the rejection at the end is like the final nail in the coffin, as we blame ourselves. Our hearts are in a million little pieces, and even though we go through our grief and get over them, we still come out the other end damaged. liek a car that's been in an accident, and though it has been panael beaten into shape, there are still little deviations in the chassey, or where things just don't connect right ... and the car doesn't function the same after the accident. Well, my father was one accident, my family are like another one, my ex wife is another one, many of the managers I've worked with have been others. Try as we might, we don't want to be damaged, but the only people who can fix us ... are us. Only, it's difficult. I've spent years writing in diaries, and other things trying to talk it through. This is very much Freudian analysis. [And possibly the reason for a blog in the first place]. When one does Freudian analysis with people, you can't tell them what is wrong, even if it is glaringly obvious. You have to let them talk, and let them find the answer. It works for some, but not for others. The reason it sometimes doesn't work, is the person CAN'T break out of the bad habits they've created for themselves. It's like a program that has been written incorrectly, and you have to keep replaying it and running it till you can see what is going wrong and can then fix the bug. Gestalt therapy is when you pretend someone is there adn yell at them ... you might have seen it on some TV or Films or something, when they pretend their father is sitting in a chair and the person yells at them and tells them what they really think. I've never actually done it, but I've thought about it for a little while. It might help, but I've found that talking to my mother, father and ex-wife in the past has resulted in nothing (and that includes yelling screaming matches with them). Let's face it, doing it now with a chair standing in as proxy might actually be good, as thy have no way to reply. ;-) Actually, I'll talk a little about the self destructive behaviour, as some of you might do it yourselves and wonder why you do it ... it comes about because you HAVE ALREADY been brainwashed. It's the pavlov dog's thing. You know about Pavlov? He used to ring a bell before serving his dog a meal. After a while, the dog began to associate the bell with being served food. Just by ringing the bell, he could make the dog drool. In me, the self destructive 'Fear of Success' to use a new term, has come about because my family and ex wife 9and school friends and teachers and managers at work) etc have spent so much time belittling anything I do, and making me feel like a failure whenever I do achieve anything, that now it's conditioned in. In fact, in a lot of cases, people have gone out of their way to sabotage me ... so the condition has been set in my mind ... Do something, and I have to fail, and if I find I am succedding, my brain kicks in to stop me succedding so that I get less pain, because if I fail no one will ridicule my achievements. In the case of girls, I can find the slightest flaw to reject them. Why? because my brain has been conditioned to think of getting close to girls as pain ... it always leads to a break up, and a painful one at that. So, to avoid the pain, my brain kills the relationship BEFORE it begins. So, I've spent the last two weeks working myself through a LOT of issues, trying to associate PLEASURE and GOOD TIMES with success and Girlsfriends and stuff, and trying to REMOVE the PAIN of the past from them. What it is, is UNBRAINWASHING myself, and trying to put in a normal healthy response ... like seeing that being in a relationship equates to being close to someone and feeling pleasure in that. As my mother says, she thinks it's brainwashing and I am removing the NORMAL response and sticking a weird response in ... because of that, she loves to interput and try to stop me ... and the fact is, when peopel DO INTERUPT they do in fact do it to through us. In my mother's case, I know she does it subconsciously. Let's face it, my family LOVES to think of me as being a FAILURE. They conditioned themselves, and as such, they always have to stop me from doing anything which proves that idea wrong. I've tried talking to her, I've tried arguing with her ... nothing works. She still thinks she does nothing wrong when she interupts my work, study or 'self psychiatry sessions'. Well, what she did today, is she knew Jeff and I had organise to do painting today, so she organised this morning for all of us to go see my Nana (grandmother). This is unusual, as we haven't been there for over a year ... as it was a trip over due I don't mind, but it was really organised by my mother to stop us from painting. I really have to break this conditioning, because at the end of the day, I know it's been done to me. Knowing about it, and doing nothing really means that I am ALLOWING it to get the better of me. Anyway, I thought I'd share all of that with you in case there were people out there who find themselves going through similar things. They're sabotaging themselves, or have had great rejection in their life ... or any other phobia or stuff where you've had a factor in your life which has conditioned you to certain types of behaviour which is self destructive. Look at yourself, uncondition the response you've allowed to be created in you. I'm not saying it is easy, after all, the conditioned response has had years and years of work by others to make your brain associate pain with these sorts of things, and you have to get your brain to break that conditioned response. I'm still working through forty years of pain, which my family ensure is on going, so it isn't easy for me. My own mother is even ridiculing what I am trying to achieve - and why should I allow her to stop me from being a success. If I allow her to succeed, then I'll be sabotaging myself long after she is dead and buried. I guess my message today, is be careful with what conditioning you get. It's true you might not even know you are being conditioned!