History of Valentines Day

It was Rome, during the reign of Claudius the Second. A straping young man named Valentinus decided to do something romantic ... so he hired Al Capone to take out George 'Bugs' Moran. I'm not sure why that was romantic, but chocolate was not known in Europe at that time, so it is entirely possible that what he wanted was some Cocoa Powder, but due to an unfortunate lisp, came out as Cocapowa. His followers, having never heard of Cocoa Powder assumed he meant Capone. They immediately contacted Al Capone and said Valentinus wanted him for something on February the Fourteenth. Capone figured the worst and thought the Praetorian guard were after his secret cache of liquor. Having fought incredibly hard in the Punic wars five hundred years earlier in order to secure the liquor, Capone was not going to give it up lightly. 'Capone, where did you get the Alpaca Hair coat?' It was Frank 'Tight Lips' Gusenburg. 'Hey, Frankie. What's it to you?' 'I'm just askin' dat's all.' 'Yeah, well I ain't talkin'' 'You can't use dat line Capone. Dat's my line! I'm the one they call tight lips.' 'Get your own alpaca then Frankie.' 'I might jus' do's dat!' With that conversation Frank had sealed his doomed. Capone phoned McGurn to organise it. McGurn phoned Burke, who in turn phoned Claudius just for a laugh and to catch up on old times. Three days later, Frankie and six others were masacred. Valentinus was brought in for questioning and later arrested for organising it all. 'Hey, coppers! You t'ink's I'm some sorta mafia guy huh?' 'Listen here Valentinus! We know you've got mob connections. On top of that, you're Italian! You gotta be a made man! But nodoby screws over Big Claudius! Claudius, he is the man! You follow his orders, you don't do crazy stuff without his say so! Capich!' Claudius came down the Colloseum station to see Valentinus. 'Hey, Valentine. I got something to say to you!' 'Yeah Big Claudius! Well, I ain't got nuthin' to say to you!' At that point Claudius gave Valentinus the kiss of death. 'Hey, why you kiss me Claudius! That's kinda fruity aint' it?' 'You idiot Valentinus, it means you're gonna get it by head loppin'' 'Head loppin'? You want me to lop heads off peopel till I died from exhaustion! Dat's stupid Big Claudius!' 'No you idiot, I'm getting someone to lop your head off.' 'Aw, gees! After I discover what a great kisser you are an' everything! Can my life get any worse?' 'Yeah, I bought you a present. It's girlie mascara.' 'Oh great, just what I needed, some Saint Valentine Day's Mascara!' Later that day, Saint Valentine got his head lopped off, but at least his eyes lashes looked full, long and beautiful. It was a happy day for all ... um ... except maybe Valentinus. Happy Valentines Day to all the cute single girls out there. Throw me an orange! :-)