Tonight on the B'Late Show, Dabido interviews a Sperm Whale ... why not, I went to the trouble to draw a picture of me interviewing one ... Yes, all that weird looking light blue streaks shows that it's underwater ... that's like, underneath the waves ... and we had to do the interview there, as Sperm Whales are too big to fit into a normal studio ... Dabido: Good Evening. Whale: WeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeooooOOOOOooooOOOOeeeeEEEoooOOOeEEoOOe Dabido: Huh? Whale: WeeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeooooOOOOOooooOOOOeeeeEEEoooOOOeEEoOOe Dabido: Is that Whale talk? Whale: Duh!!! Dabido: Okay, just asking. Anyway, we're here to talk about your latest movie, 'Moby Dick II: Revenge of the Dick' Whale: Yes, and this time, it's personal. Dabido: Um ... wasn't it personal the first time. Whale: Technically, yeah! But, now it's like, double plus personal. Dabido: Double Plus? Isn't that from George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty Four? Whale: Yeah, but it sort of incorporates what's happening in the movie. Dabido: Okay, tell us about that. Whale: Well, it takes place in the future, in a totalitarian society where words are removed from the vocabulary by a benevolent dictator named Big Moby. Dabido: Sounds cool. What's the general gist of it all? Whale: Well, the hero is this guy named Ahab Smith, and he owns a whaler. He becomes obsessed with killing Big Moby. Dabido: Which explains the harpoon sticking out your nose. Whale: Um, no, my girlfriend suggested I try body piercings. Would you like one? Dabido: Ha ha, not one that big. I think a harpoon body piercing might kill me. Whale: Well, it depends on who you have insert it. Dabido: Who did yours? Whale: Japan. They're big on piercings there. Nine out of ten whales get their piercings from someone from Japan. It's all done in the name of scientific research. Dabido: Really? So you got a harpoon in you for science? Whale: Well, that and it looks good when I'm in my leather biker outfit. Dabido: You have leather down here? Whale: Well, it's made from Giant Squid, but it's sort of leather. Like when you get snake skin leather or something, you know, it's not from a cow, but it's still leather. Dabido: You didn't want a snake skin leather outfit? Whale: You kidding? Even for a movie star like myself that's a lot of cash to cover a whale like me. Dabido: Something has always puzzled me. Why are you guys called Sperm Whales? Whale: What? I'm not standing for this line of questioning! Dabido: I'm sorry, as a serious interviewer I have to ask the hard questions. Whale: How would you like it if I asked your girlfriend why she's called a huMAN! Like, she's a man or something? Dabido: Look I didn't mean to offend, it's just some people think it has something to do with Sperm. Whale: WHAT!? This is just getting sick! SICK I TELL YOU! Dabido: But, isn't it true that Sperm Whales have a substance called Spermaceti in their heads? Whale: Are you trying to imply something? That's what this is about isn't it, just because I'm a minority. Dabido: But it's true. Originally whalers cut open Sperm Whales heads and found Spermaceti which they mistook for Sperm. Whale: It's because I'm white isn't it? I'm the only white whale in the movie. Always the token white whale! I never get any of those parts other whales get. Like Orca! Orca! I could have played that part. 'Free Willy', how easy was that role! Dabido: I'm just asking about the name. Whale: Look, you have to learn to be politically correct man! Like, we're not called Sperm Whales any more! We have a new name! A new name I tell you! None of these politically incorrect slanderous sorts of names! Dabido: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. What is the term you guys prefer now? Whale: Gallons of Sperm Whales. We produce a lot you know. Dabido: Um, okay. I think I need to swim to the surface for some air now. Thanks for appearing. Whale: No worries, thanks for having me. Dabido: We'll be back after this commercial break, where my next special guest is the Yeti and Loch Ness Monster, who have released a new song. So stay tuned. Whale: [whispers] How did I do darling? Dabido: You were fabulous, absolutely fab darling.