List of Subjects So Far:
NEW WAYS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (Part I) - The History Primer
- Crazy Dates I may have been on. Part I
- New ways to take over the world.
- Fight or Flight? How to run away like a real hero.
- What Beatles Songs REALLY mean.
- My secret life as a sex god.
- How to burp tunes and blow bubbles out your nose.
- Thesaurus - the dinosaur I can't find in a museum!
- Tautology, repeatition, iteration, duplication - how I fill out my blog posts. :-)
- Oxford, English Dic and Hary - worlds hardest book to follow the plot of!
- Alien Abduction Tale Part II (Original will appear on Minishorts site on Oct 22nd)
- The Day I became a Neurosurgeon
- The Art of Dumping a Girl You're Not Even Going Out With
- Baggy Trousers – Why my balls still work!
- Eddie – The guy who couldn't get a Date
- Rolf Harris
Before getting to the actual mechanics of taking over the world, we need to do a brief History Primer. That way, we know what people have tried before, and can succesfully learn from their mistakes. Let's begin.
In recent years it's become popular to try to take over the world. Recent years, of course starting sometime in BC, with Arthur C. Clarke's gorilla's in Kubrik's movie '2001: A Space Odyssey'. (A lot more popular than Dabido's film "2001.333 re-occurring a calculator malfunction"). They of course, tried the jaw bone of an ass. Something the US has been trying recently too, but I digress.
Let's start with the Chou Empire, which resulted in a split. TheEastern Chou empire, and the Western Chou empire - leaving both Empires Half Chewed! (Did I relly make that joke? Yes, I did!) :-)
The Assyrians were next, not realising that if you attack all your neighbours, eventually, they all get the same idea for world conquest. Of course, the senior citizens at the time blamed it on that younger generation with thier new 'GAME' called Chess. An obvious bad influence which leads to them displaying much violence. After all, it is the worlds first war game, even if it was invented in China ... and India ... and Syria ... and well, who hasn't claimed they invented chess first?
With their neighbours liking the idea of killing people, Babylonia and Persia decided they'd have a crack at the World Domination Game too. Babylonia took Israel captive, only to have it all turn into a song about the Rivers of Babylon. As retaliation, to the song, the Babylonians hung some gardens!
The Persians of course, fell foul to the Greeks, who decided to send 300 gay warriors. It showed the world, that no matter how much you look like Boy George, you can still stop traffic with a short skirt, a long hard spear and a tight space! I'm talking about Themopylae!!!! The Persians did eventually sneak up on them and gave it to them from the rear.
This of course inspired Alexander the Great, who tried to conquer the world till he discovered it was a big place. His army was eventually stopped when Alex decided that dying young would stick him in an 'immortally' remembered category similar to James Dean and Elvis Presley. (Whom he greatly admired, even though neither had yet been born. Alex was of course a visionary of a sort).
Of course, his title 'The Great' was actually adorned on him by his numerous boyfriends, because after sex, Alex would ask, 'How was I?'
And they'd all reply, 'Great! Great! You were just Great Alex'.
They said this regardless of his performance, because after all, he'd have trampled them to death with his horse if they said anything otherwise.
The Roman Empire was next. You might think that all the action was happening in the west at this stage. It was. After a while though, the Romans decided Alexander had been right about the world being a BIG PLACE. They decided to build a few puny walls around the place (Hadrians Walls etc). This was mainly to keep the Scots out (who loved to drink too much and start fights ... 'Hey! Who yooooou loookin' at Jimmy?') . It was also to keep the Germans out of the Humour section of the worlds library (which is why to this day, most Germans still don't have a sense of humour. I know this is true because my German friend Marcus told me.)
Meanwhile, in the East the Indians decided to have half a go. Unfortuntely, the Maurya Empire stopped it's expansion when King Ashoka got to the Himalayas and asked where the escalator was. Finding it hadn't yet been invented, he decided to wait ... and wait ... only to discover on his death bed that it was going to be a LONG time before anyone did invent it. His final words in this world were, 'Why didn't you tell me earlier? I could have taken a helicopter or plane!' No one had the heart to ask him what he was babbling about.
(I might point out, that had King Ashoka realised he couldn't get his elephants up the escalators, the world would have been a very different place).
The Chinese decided to get chins waging by introducing the Ch'in Empire. This resulted in China being unified for the very first time, but alas, they also realised the world was A BIG place ... and decided to invent mahjong instead.
At about this time, Jesus came along and invented religious door knocking. It became so annoying, that the Romans nailed him up in order to stop him ringing door bells. Rather than having the desired effect, it actually produced more door knockers. Nero later discovered that they also made great candles!
In China, the Han Empire came into being. Eventually it split in two, as it was discovered that the left Han didn't know what the right Han was doing.
India was taken over by the Gupta Empire. This was started by King Chandragupta, who, after marrying the right girl, found her dowry was the half of India that he just co-incidently didn't happen to own. Imagine the shock on his wedding night when he discovered THAT!!!
'The other half of India dear? The bed's not big enough!'
At about this time, a short guy named Atilla decided that he and his Hun friends should rule the world. Atilla was a dwarf, and was very upset that he was always cast as Doppy in all the plays at school. This is enough to send ANYONE over the edge, and in Attila's case, sent him first to the Roman Empire. Not only did his troops kick Rome in the balls, but also wrote grafitti over half their empire.
Not wanting to be outdone by Rome, the Gupta Empire decided they needed their butts kicked too! The Chinese, upon hearing of this, decided they wanted a turn. So in one decisive blow, Attila rampaged across the known world and then died of a heart attack while trying to mount a maiden in bed! She was far too big, and he always exerted himself too much climbing, but he insisted on top! Apparently, he liked the view.
Unfortunately, Attila wasn't into empire building. He was an anti-monopolist, so he left very little in the way of an Empire behind. The previous Empires were in ruins.
The Celts decided to get a little Frank ... and France was born. Or more precisely, the Holy Roman Empire was born, though it wasn't very Holy, wasn't Roman and not much of an Empire.
In the Eastern part of the West, Byzantine tried to pretend to be the remnants of the Eastern Part of the glorious Roman Empire. It was constantly being battered by the Caliphs, who had arisen because of Islam.
In China, there as turmoil for a long time, with pig calling (Sui) and eventually they started selling Tang, a left over from their original space agency. (We've all heard the story of the Chinese Philosopher who tried to go into space by tying fireworks to his chair. No? Darn! That's a waste of a joke then!!!) Anyway, they liked Tang so much, they named the Dynasty after it.
In the west, there was a long period of Papal domination. In the middle East and Africa there was domination from Islam. Several huge holy wars broke out between these two ideologies. It is my educated belief though, that it may have started at a party when both sides realised neither had turned up with any Tang. What were they to drink????
The Indians were still having trouble inventing escalators for their Elephants. Though they'd stablised by now, they broke into small factions ruled by Sultanates and other grape derivatives.
China had now got over it's Tang period and was getting into Karioke. They started with a Beatles catalogue with 'Only a Northern Sung' ... but later went South with a Southern Sung.
Ghengis Khan eventually had a crack at World Domination. It was from him we get the word 'Hordes', because of his military organisation. The Mongols were able to get into China once they discovered a trick. They told the Chinese that the Great Wall was actually the flower wall in Mahjong, and kept pretending they had a flower tile and wanted another off the wall. This is why some of the Great Wall is now lying in ruins in some places.
Ghengis world tour took him all over Asia and Europe. He didn't venture to the US or Japan, as their record buying markets were yet to be well developed. Africa was completely off his list, as there was no way he was playing Sun City ... especially before it was built! (Showing my age with that reference!)
And Thus ends Part one. The World History Primer lesson. Tomorrow, I will continue with Part two. Rise of the Modern idiots! From 1500 to modern idiots who still couldn't take over the world.