Here is a brief list of things I suggested to Minishorts
that I might blog about on her site. As it stands, I wrote an Alien Abduction story (coming soon ... well on Oct 22nd to Minishorts Blog
- Crazy Dates I may have been on. (Todays)
- New ways to take over the world.
- Fight or Flight? How to run away like a real hero.
- What Beatles Songs REALLY mean.
- My secret life as a sex god.
- How to burp tunes and blow bubbles out your nose.
- Thesaurus - the dinosaur I can't find in a museum!
- Tautology, repeatition, iteration, duplication - how I fill out my blog posts. :-)
- Oxford, English Dic and Hary - worlds hardest book to follow the plot of!
I better remember to do 10. part II of the Alien Abduction story too. :-)
Only, you'll have to wait till after the first part has been published on Minishorts
site. (He says linking for a third time - going for world record for most links to one site in a post!) Then again, doing part II first might just confuse everyone (and make me laugh as you try to figure it all out!) :-)
Without further adeiu, here is the first one off the list:
Crazy Dates I have Been on Part I:
I decided to make it part one for two reasons. One, it will most likely have a sequel to it. Second, I have so much material, that I probably have a sequel to it ... um ... okay, I only really had one reason and was padding it out as I only have enough material to do one.
Here we go:
First crazy date
I was asked by a friend to bring a date because they were having 'after work' drinks! So I asked a girl from University to accompany along to the occassion.
She got dressed. She had tight black jeans on and a nice low top. Oh yeah! Everything going pretty good!
Could she look any hotter? (Yes, if she had the face of Vicki Zhao Wei
or even better, if SHE WAS VICKI! WOO HOO!)
Okay, so she could look hotter ... but her body was good, and she was young and let's face it, when you're twenty or so (I can't remember my age at the time ... ) and male, you're basically a walking bag of hormones hitting your sexual peak! (While that poor girl had to wait till she hits forty ... which is now! Where is she, I want to get laid!!!!)
Anyway, I digress!
She turns up. We meet at the train station! She looks hotter than a lump of volcanic rock melting back into the lava flow. (But not as hot as Vicki ... um, do I have a problem? nah!)
We go off to the 'hotel bar' where the 'get together' is happening.
We get there. It's okay. I meet up with Aaron (my friend) and his other 'work associates'. All seems fine ... we're talking and everything ... actually, I think this was one of my first dates EVER!!!!
It was in the period between being chucked out of home and living in the lounge room of some friends apartment and when I was actually homeless for a while. So I was poor, and some HOT CHICK actually liked me! Woo hoo! I am like, so coool...right?
(Cooler than an icicle that formed on Santa's left nostril in November!)
What could possibly go WRONG????
(Other than rampant elephants stampeding through the bar and then pooping on me. I hate it when that happens!)
Okay, here is what went WRONG.
The 'drinks after work' was NOT a 'drinks after work' occassion like I'd been told. It was a HERBALIFE SALES MEETING!
We were all ushered off into a smallroom where they started the 'Herbalife' indoctrination, 'Hey, you can sell this much and be a millionaire, just bring your friends along' etc etc. You get the gist.
Well, you can imagine my EMBARRASEMENT! What I thought would be a nice night, just a few drinks etc, and I had a HOT CHICK as MY DATE along ... OMGoodness!!!! It just all went pear shaped!!!!
(More pear shaped than a pear sellers wife's pear shaped butt cheeks!)
Well, after almost falling asleep and everything in the meeting, they gave us a break.
I spent the break apologising to my hot date about everything that had happened. She decided (yes, 'she did', I didn't) that we should go. (Good idea) Being me (and totally insecure at this point in my life), I was afraid it might make a scene or something. I went and politely spoke to my friend Aaron, who said he understood.
(Hey man! I have a HOT CHICK with me man! Like, what would you do, talk herbs with her or go somewhere to be alone?)
Basically! MY FRIEND HAD CONNED ME!!!!! He'd used me to get myself and a date along to a 'meeting' designed to rope people into selling herbalife.
Well, off I went with my date, and we went to a coffee shop. I was sitting there reading the menu, and my date ordered for me!!!!
'Two cappicino's and two cinnamin toasts,' she said.
And off the waiter went with the order!
'Um! Why did you order for me?' I asked. 'I'm allergic to coffee.'
'Well, you looked like you weren't going to order. So I did it for you!'
'Um ... okay!'
Well, it certainly was not going very well. She was VERY ANGRY. Angrier than a rhino that someone had sneaked up on and smeared 'Deep Heat' on its already chaffed balls!
She was EXTREMELY angry at being dragged along to the herbalife thing. As I kept telling her, I didn't blame her! I didn't know! I'd only been told it was a 'get together after work'. She seemed very sceptical but eventually I think I convinced her that I was an innocent party to the whole thing.
Like, my chance of selling anything is equivalent to brains being found in an Australian Politicians head ... NIL!!!
She did seem to calm down a little as the night went on. I think I then talked her ears off. Mainly as I was really nervous now that I'd ruined the entire night and everything. Eventually, she got tired of my yabbering on and told me off for that. Things would never be the same for me.
This was a girl, who'd agreed to go on a date with me. Got dressed up in her hottest outfit, had nice perfume on, nice make-up and everything else! She had gone to a reat deal to impress me. She was expecting a great night out, meet some of my friends, have a few drinks, a few laughs.
Look what I delivered.
Some crap friend who lied to me! A stupid SALES meeting! Some lousey coversation with a nervous dude who couldn't shut the FRIG UP! Who drank a coffee he was allergic too ... who was genuinely AFRAID OF HER! (Yes, I was!!!!)
Do you think I got any that night? rofl!
(About as much as a spotty low paid computer nerd in a Sports Illustrated Bikini Shoot would get!!!)
We went back to the train station - me apologising all the time for such a bad night. She hopped on her train, I hopped on mine! We both went home! She was angry, I was really upset and saddened by the whole thing!
That week at University wasn't the best, as she'd told some of our mutual friends about the whole experience. Yup! I was the nooooob at Uni for that week!
'How was your date with David?,' some would ask with in earshot of me!
(About as good as drilling teeth with an oversized underground mining drill set with a cactus where the drillbit should be!)
Eventually she forgave me, and we were friends again. Phew! But, I never asked her on a date again! Chances of that happening had probably improved, but I really didn't feel like a second chance of proving I was an idiot! I'd done such a good job the first time! :-)
And you know, I never see that friend Aaron anymore either. :-)
Years later I ran into her on a bus. We had a good chat and everything, but I was still totally embarrased by the entire 'date thing'. She's a good person, and I hope she eventually met a nice guy to marry. She's probably out there wondering why she got to date a bunch of loser noobs in her life ... and my name is probably at the top of the list! :-)