The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

10 October, 2005

Into the Blue? Or Into the Black?

My mental attitude (situation ... feelings ... emotions ... call it what you will) has slipped back into depressed mode! Is depression blue? Or Black? The reasons they call depression 'the blues' is because they used to beleive it was caused by blue demons attack someone. To me, it's always been like a long dark tunnel with no light at the end. Actually, I had a recurring nightmare that was like that for a long time. I'd be RUNNING! RUNNING! RUNNING! And I'd know I was in a tunnel - but I couldn't see a thing! Sometimes I could touch the side of the tunnel with my hand as I'd run and RUN and RRRRRUUUUNNNN! Sprint! RUN AS FAST AS I COULD! Because I'd know somerthing was chasing me! Hunting me down (am I sure this is a dream ... I get hunted like a wild cat all the time!) Anyway, in the dream, I'd just keep running and eventually, without warning, I'd suddenly come out the other end of the tunnel! The funny thing being, there was NEVER EVER EVER a light at the end of the tunnel! That's one of the reasons I see depression as being black ... or dark. It's always like that tunnel, with no light at the end, and no warning when you will emerge. It's like abscence of any type of light whatsoever!!!! (And I've been in photography rooms ... so I know what this sort of darkness is like!) Well, in one way it's funny I have fallen into this mood tonight. My mother was speaking to me about Bi-Polar Syndrome (aka Manic Depression). Every now and then, she brings the subject up! Two reasons - first of all, my Grandfather was a manic depressent! Second of all, my mother is always trying to get me to admit I am one. I'm not sure if she's ever read any of my poetry, but it would be a dead give away. Well, I started feeling depressed tonight, and it became a little worse, as I couldn't help but feel guilty at the same time. The guilt was because of all those people who have suffered because of the earthquake in India and Pakistan. Then I started thinking about the other people in the world who have it worse than me. I admit it, I am pretty lucky when compared to others. At the same time, there isn't much I can do about my depressions! They come on and it's all chemical and in the brain! How do you stop your brain from getting depressed? Well, my mother this morning, was also talking about a book one of the newsreaders has written with her mother. (Or it might have been yesterday ... I can't remember!) So, my mother was asking me questions all about Bi-Polar syndrome! I'm not sure if this is because my family think I know everything (or at least a little about a lot of things ... and a lot about a few things). So, we had this conversation and I explained what I knew about the subject. Tonight, I started feeling depressed, and I saw a TV show about Spike Milligan was on. So I thought, I'll watch it. It should be funny (with Spike having been a comedian and everything). It's weird! It was about him being a manic depressent!!!! Talk about a theme! Something they said about him made me feel a common bond. They said that he'd just write! He couldn't stop himself, he just had to write and write and write! I thought, 'Hmmm, sounds like someone I know!' When I fall into my depressions, there is a lot I just cannot do ... but writing is not one of them! When I am depressed, I can write and not stop! (Similar to NOW!) The only problem with the writing, is the control is limited! I can't write my business plan. I can't write computer programs (well, I haven't tried to write one I didn't need to write). If something is due for a course I am studying, or for work, then I can't seem to get my brain to focus on the job at hand! I can, however, do two other things with my writing! First, is I can write stuff like this! Talk about my experiences (either what I am feeling NOW, or other things I have experienced before!) It doesn't have to be depressed either. (I don't think I am writing this post as if I am depressed - I think if you read it, it's just the facts!) Second, I can write fiction. I mean like stories and stuff. (Which is maybe why I should try to write a computer program for fun or something! I'v enever tried in this state! It might be a mind opener if I find I can just write programs for fun). The poetry I write in this state (and it's really when I write 98% of my poetry) can either be sad, or funny or ... well come across as any mood! So I can write a happy poem while I am depressed! It's one of the strengths of my depression! Sometimes I can get low enough that I can't even write! Not much I can do about anything in that state! Anyway, I am lucky that I am in a good enough state that I am in writing mode! Only one problem ... I have to leave the fun of writing and go to bed soon. Darn! So much racing through my mind to dribble out onto the screen and everything!!!! Here is a thought I had while watching the TV show about Spike! It's a thought that often crosses my mind when I am depressed! Who would want to be with me, when I have a habit of getting depressed? I'm sure most people who don't suffer depression can't understand the problem. You need someone REALLY empathic to understand! I know a lot of people used to tell me it was all my fault, and tell me to snap out of it! Or just tell me to grow up, or tell me it's brought on by something happening! It doesn't work that way! I can be going along perfectly fine, thinking the world can't get any better, and then BANG! It's like I've turned a corner and ended up in an accident of some sort! I just feel like nothing on the planet can get any worse than how I am feeling! Then, there is the other problem. What about the peopel who DO understand? Those who go through the same thing? If two manic depressants get together, they have a 90% chance of their offspring suffering the same way! Why would we want to get together, knowing that we are most likely going to cause our own children to suffer the same fate? That's why I have that thought! 'Why would someone want to be with me?' Those who feel the same way are the worst ones to get with - and those who don't will not understand the problem on the same level! Spike'sfirst wife left him because she couldn't handle him any more! His second wife stayed around, but she died of cancer! His third wife stayed around till the end! Maybe there is hope for me (and my friends who get the same thing!) Maybe, there are people out there who will stick it out. After all, Spike had two out of three stick by him, and the first one stuck by him as long as she could handle it. All I can say, is if you do get with someone who suffers depressions, you have to be patient! You have to learn to wait for them to come out of it. And after all, they say some of the greatest minds in the world were sufferers! They've said it about Leonardo Da Vinci, they've said it about Shakespeare and they've said it about a LOT of other people too (Why did Virginia Wolfe just spring into my mind!!!?) Gees, a lot of othe writers just sprang to mind too ... too many to name! Anyway, I think I need to go get some sleep! Not because I want to stop writing (I don't! I feel I'm in the mood to write and not stop!) I need to go to bed, as I have my course tomorrow, and I need to get some sleeeeeeep!!!! Darn! Why do I need to sleep when I don't want to stop!!!!! I just hope this hasn't come across as some sort of depressed rant or 'woe is me' type thing, because it's certainly not what I am trying to convey! I'm just trying to lay it down as it is ... in an unemotional, objective fashion! Darn, my brains like running at a million kilometres an hour! It doesn't want to stop! Stupid brain!!!! STOP!!!! lol :-)