Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Nine
'Hi Hoooooooo!' sang the Captain.
'Hi Hoooooooo!' replied the team.
'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's into the sky we go, to play Queeritch and get hit by some sticks, Hi ho, hi ho hi ho,' the team sang as it walked out onto the field.
'Yowzer! Yowzer! Yowzer!' cried the voice over the intercom. 'Welcome to the first Queeritch match of the season. Grizzleydore versus Snivelling. Whoever wins this match, wins the entire season, as we're running out of players!'
'Shut up! All of you,' said the referee. 'Now, I want a good clean match. No swearing, no porn-o-graphic images downloaded, no jokes with smutty innuendo. Do you understand?'
'We can still beat the crap out of each other can't we?' asked the Snivelling Captain.
'By all means,' replied the referee. 'What sort of match would it be without danger, violence and people getting killed. We have to compete with the soccer world cup you know!'
'So, biting, spitting, hitting, kicking, punching ... all permissible?' asked the Grizzleydore Captain.
'Of course,' replied the referee. It'll be just like watching the Italian Series A, but without the soccer balls!'
She blew her whistle, threw the snotch into the air, and the game was on.
Perry, being a noob to the game, just hung about in the air watching the rest of the players beat the daylights out of each other. It got to twenty all, which was sort of funny, as only two goals had been scored at either end, when suddenly Perry's Vacstick started to behave wildly, almost throwing him off.
'What's happening?' asked Hernia.
'I think he's Vacstick is set to blow instead of suck,' replied Von.
'No, look!' Hernia pointed at Snack, who was visibly mouthing some incantation. 'Snack is trying to kill Perry.'
'Wouldn't a sniper rifle and a book repository be better for that?'
'No, not if you don't want people to suspect you. We have to help Perry. I'm going to go and stop Snack.'
With that, Hernia raced off under the bleachers to where Snack was sitting, which was awful quick of her considering she'd just been on the other side of the field pointing to Snack, and less than five seconds later she was underneath him.
She got out her wand. 'Flaming Lamborghini!' she said, with a swish and flick of her wand. Nothing happened, as the prop department were too busy trying to get Perry to fall off his vacstick. So Hernia pulled out a lighter and set fire to Snack's black dress.
Snack suddenly noticed his dress was on fire and started to stamp it out.
'Oh gees, I knew I looked hot in this thing, but this is going to extremes!' said Snack as he finally got the fire out.
With that distraction, Perry was able to gain control of his vacstick, as the prop department were more interested in the phenomenon of black dress self combustion. Perry was sitting their on his vacstick when the snotch raced up, stopped in front of his face,and raced off again.
Perry started to chase the snotch, and so did the snotcher from Snivelling. As the only two members on the field who hadn't either been killed or severely wounded and left lying on the ground, the battle was down to them.
Perry and the Snivelling guy were chasing the snotch and went into a vertical dive heading straight for the ground. They looked at the ground, then at each other, then at the ground, then at each other. Which was unfortunate in a way, as that was when they hit the ground in what is commonly known as the 'face plow'.
Perry, being the lucky sort of a sod that he is, just happened to swallow the snotch as he hit. This automatically caused Grizzleydore to win the game.