The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

18 March, 2006

Breakthrough - I apologise for the length of the post!

I forgot to mention. This morning was the first time in YEARS that I got up and actually felt that there was a possible future for me. I consider it a MAJOR breakthrough. [Gees, I'm starting to sound like some Californian Freak from Hollywood who' been with their Therapist for fifteen years!] ANYWAT, I know I've probably scared a lot of people off with my blog, as I use it as a sort of Freudian Psychotherapy, Jungian Psychotherapy thing [basically translate those two as I like to whinge a lot about my life ... only I have a good idea what I'm doing, as I have some knowledge of Psychotherapy.] This is the basic feeling I had this morning (the only way I can describe it to you). Some of you might remember this story. Once upon a time, I was given a Nickname (I've been given MANY, MANY nicknames), this time, the nickname bestowed upon me by some friends was, 'Legend'. Now, I usually DON'T refer to myself as this, as it's the sort of thing that get's strange looks from people. 'Hi, nice to meet you. They call me, "The Legend"!!!' It's the sort of nickname you CAN'T use yourself. An introduction like the one above will get people thinking you love yourself. You can hear the sort of insults they'd use about you behind your back. [One starting with a 'W' comes to mind!] ANYWAT, at this time in my life, I did something pretty amazing (which is what got me the nickname). I was working a full time job (40 hours a week), as well as a part time job six days a week (30 hours a week), while also doing the lions share of housework (cooking for myself, washing up for BOTH myself and my missus, all the ironing, mowing the lawns, vaccuuming etc). My ex-wife just basically cooked for herself, cleaned the bathroom and washed the clothes. I was also doing a part time University Degree and EARNED HIGH DISTINCTIONS! PLUS, I had been on the State Team for American Football, and had been offered the Coaching Role for the State Junior Team. w00t! THAT's why I was given the nickname! ANYWAT, it was a very happy period of my life. I was earning a heap of cash with both the jobs, as well as feeling good about my relationship with my wife, feeling good about my University studies, and ... well, I just felt good about EVERYTHING. [Which is sort of weird, as I still used to suffer from depressions, but I was able to manage them a lot better. Let's face it, I'm never going to eradicate depression from my life]. ANYWAT, at that time in my life, I was pretty unstoppable with most things ... whatever I tried, just worked. It's a great feeling, and it's great when your life is heading in that sort of direction. My Ex and I had managed to save enough for a deposit for a house (and we were going to try to save even more before we bought the house), so I really had a lot of belief in a nice cosy future. Now, all of that, is the sort of feeling I had when I got up this morning. It's not an arrogant, 'I am unstoppable, indestructable' sort of feeling. It's just an angstless, positive future outlook type thing. [Now, a lot of things happened nine years ago which destroyed that outlook, from my Ex Wife running off with the money, belongings and another guy, to me getting really sick with vomitting blood, to flatmates threatening me all the time with baseball bats etc just because I made a bad joke ... to just being plain exhausted with life! The point is, that's not important ... I just mentioned it for reference.] SO TODAY I felt back on track. I'll just quickly differentiate some things though. This is not just getting up and feeling good about the day. This is not just a good day amongst my usual depressed ones. Like I said before, I suffer depression, that isn't going away. [Let's face it, most artistic type people have 'Depressed' as standard operating procedure'.] This thing this morning WAS what those Californian Freaks, or Manahatten Woody Allen types would refer to as a Major Break through. [Have I just invented a new type of therapy? Blogtherapy!! nah, not really!] Who said, 'Blogs don't work!' Actually, I don't think I've ever hear anyone who said they did work either! Anyway, it wasn't just the blog that I've been using on myself. I've been using the blog in a similar way to how patients use 'diaries' [and let's face it, the blog did replace my diary], and also in the way that a patient would lie on a couch and just basically talk to themselves as the Psychiatrist tries to either direct them or reflect back on them what their feelings are on the subject. [I have no idea if other people use their blogs this way]. Anyway, a lot of it has also been trying to break the chains of the neurolinguistic programing parents beat into us without even trying. Let's face it, peoples parents can really twist a lot of us into pretzels as they manipulate our lives. A lot of what my mother does, she complains her mother did to her. [SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT TO US???!!!!! Actually, I have asked her that in real life a few times when she catches herself!] I've been to scared to do Gestalt therapy, in case the neighbours think I'm having a fight with an imaginary friend, or in case my mother or brother comes home early and then THEY think I've gone crazy! Personally, I think it might be really good for me. On to pof that, there have been a lot of other things I've had to break the psychological programming of. Teachers, Peers, my Ex Wife, her family, my old Church (the first evil one) ... the list goes on. And if you ever wondered WHY I've been so frank about a lot of my life on here, it's because I had to for the therapy. If you live in denial of things, then you don't get better. I think something Howard Stern said in 'Private Parts' summed it up ... about needing to be real. Howard said he had to be real or else what he was trying to accomplish wouldn't work. That's basically how I try to blog ... not to reach the audience, but just to be honest. People can spot fakes ... and yeah, I know I write as though no one is listening (I think I'm down to 27 readers this week! Bwahahahahaaaa! Run! Run!) and I know I probably bore some, and scare others away. [Probably mostly bore], BUT that's just how I have to do it. It just won't work for me any other way. I'm afraid to re-read that section in case it sounds as half baked as what I think it does! Oh well, if I made an idiot of myself, I just have to keep moving and people will eventually forget ... or it'll become funny. It will become funny won't it? :-) There is another thing I've noticed about myself ... in life, it takes me almost as long to get over someone as it does the time I was with them. Even though I was over my wife a long time ago, it's almost nine years since we broke up, and I was with her for nine years. Somewhere in my mind, I am wondering if there is a legitimate connection, or one which has somehow psychologically manifested itself in my brain that breaking up with someone takes a 1:1 ratio to get over them. One of my ex GF's I was with for a year, and then it took a year to get over her ... it seems to be a working ratio with me! I'm just wondering if that has something to do with it ... if somewhere in my brain there is some neuron which refuses to fire until I get to nine years after my break up. That day is April the Fifteenth ... which is weird, I think April the 8th is my cousins wedding! So close together! Anyway, the last nine years have been a long psychological journey for me. Some of it probably would have been shortened if it wasn't for a LOT of bad influences in my life. Let's face it, it's easy to tell ourselves to ignore other peoples comments to us (I don't mean ones concerning the blog ... I mean ones in real life, from enemies, managers etc). At the end of the day, we all have tiny recordings in our heads of things people have said to put us down etc. In my case, a lot of my fathers & ex-wives put downs came out of the mouths of managers, enemies and other people along the way. Let's face it, my last flatmate in Sydney always used to tell me I was UGLY, GROSS and WOMEN HATED ME. She also used to tell me my GF's etc ere UGLY etc. The other day, a student inone of my training sessions asked how old I was. When I said, 'forty', he was totally amazed. He said, 'I bet you get all the girls.' It's funny how an old faltmate used to deliberately and repeatedly put me down in order to try to manipulate me. [And let's face it, her attacks certainly killed a lot of my self confidence, not just with women, but in a lot of other areas]. Who should I beleive? The old flatmate, or the guy I was training? My brain says the guy at training was telling the truth, after all, he was totally shocked by my age when I told him. It was a more real reaction. YET, somehow, the negative comments of peopel often have us stop and ask ourselves if it's true. If somehow we have a false impression of our selves, and that the other persons insults are a true impression of us. It's that doubt, and the fact that repeated insults keeps conditioning us to that belief that destroys our confidence. So, I'll stop now. I really just wanted to share that I had a break through, and try to explain to you how it felt. EXERCISE FOR TODAY: Go back and imagine yourself accomplishing all those things I said I'd done above ... when you can imagine the state you would be in doing all that, then you will understand where I am at. While you're at it, start imagining some goals in your life that you want to accomplish and do something today to move towards that goal. Imagine how good it will feel when you get that goal. Now try to maintain that state of mind! YOU CAN DO IT! [To quote Adam Sandler ... and Rob Schneider] :-)