The Blog of Dabido (the Baka one). Everything in this blog is copyrighted. Copyright 2004, 2005, 2006 by D. Stevenson.

15 December, 2005

Tokyo Gay Hamster Wars Part 11 point 3 (the manga where numbers are confusing)

Shou was sitting in front of the television watching a DVD. He flipped the cover back and forth in his hand, 'Joan of Ark Meets Dracula'. It started with Darth Vader and Indiana Jones competing for Joan's heart. Who would she go with, the bad boy, Darth, or the perfect guy, Indiana? In the back of all their minds was the problem of Jack the Ripper and Count Dracula running around turning people into zombies then making them pop-stars. It was very scary, yet at the same time full of adventure and music. Joan was trying to stop them with the help of Indiana, but of course, her heart was drawn to bad boy Darth. Darth did own his own Death Star, and Tie Fighter, and many men under his command. The rivalry between Darth and Indiana was intense resulting in a large light sabre duel between them both. Darth severed Indiana's hand and Indiana was force to fight using just his whip. While avoiding a light sabre thrust, Indiana slipped and fell off a Himalayan cliff. His whip caught Darth's boot and wrapped around it. So as Indiana fell, he dragged Darth off the edge with him. Joan, overcome with grief was left to take on the combined force of Jack the Ripper, Count Dracula and a few hundred pop stars. Of course, it always ends with her winning, and somehow being burnt at the stake. Shou was curious. He knew the Godzilla one ended in a great flame from Godzilla starting the fire, but he was not sure who it would be in this flick. Would it be the Count? Would it be Jack? Or maybe the peasants who arrive at the castle with the flaming torches. How would she win this time? It was the major selling point to all the movies. Everyone knew how it ends, just like the five Titanic movies ... but there was always that curiosity aspect. Shou hated these franchise movies, mainly as he was always suckered in. Then there was the merchandising. He had his 'Joan of Ark versus Alien' mug, his 'Joan of Ark versus Freddie' T-Shirt, his 'Joan of Ark on the Orient Express' car seat covers. 'Hey boss,' said Ryota as he came in. 'Look what I just got with my McHappy meal. A plastic Joan of Ark with the light sabre. Cool, hey.' 'Yeah, cool.' 'What do you think happened to the Beer Guzzlers after last night? I keep calling them on their mobiles, but no one is answering.' 'I don't know. I had a visit while you were out Miyamoto. There is going to be a war, and we have to chose whose side we are on.' 'A war? Between who?' 'Between the Llama's and Goo Dragons, and the Llama's and Hells Buffalo's, the Llama's and maybe the Beer Guzzlers.' 'Well, there are only two Beer Guzzlers.' 'I think the Beer Guzzlers will decide very soon whose side they are on.' 'The Goo Dragons, they're just a bunch of school girls.' 'Not literally.' 'Oh no, not literally. After all, they are men, but in a way, they are like school girls.' 'But not in the way that they go to school, because they don't do that.' 'Well no, they don't go to school, or do homework or stuff, and they don't wear the girls school uniforms.' 'Except Hojo. Hojo sometimes wears the school girls uniforms, but only when him and his mistress are doing that cosplay thing.' 'Well, yes, other than Hojo and all those other things you mentioned where they differ from being school girls, they are very much like school girls.' 'So you think they don't stand much of a chance against the Llama's?' 'Not really, but if they are with someone else, like Hell's Buffalo, then maybe both of those groups can break the back of the Llama's' 'What do you think of Joan of Ark?' 'I liked the one where she went to Mars and fought the monsters there.' 'I have the one where she meets Dracula.' 'Oh, yeah! I liked that too. Especially the light sabre duel on the top of mount everest. The Shaolin monks and the kung fu yak really made that work.' 'Yeah, the kung fu yak was exceptional. How do they train yaks to do that.?' 'The yak wasn't trained. It was computer generated.' 'Eh? Computer generated? It looked so real! I was considering getting some to help us run some protection business.' 'Eh? Animals aren't able to help. It's not like they are intelligent. Why do you think they call them "stupid Animals"? It's because they're dumb.' 'Hai, I guess so.' 'So, who visited you?' 'It was one of the Llama's henchmen. He basically offered us a chance to merge with them. It would mean having one of them come into our area and become our liege.' 'And if we choose to resist?' 'Then, the will come anyway. If we are lucky, we can buy some more time. Wait and see who is winning between the Llama and Hell's Buffalo. The combined strength of the Buffalo and the Goo Dragons might just over power them.' 'And what if the Buffalo's choose not to combine with the Goo Dragons?' 'The Llamas will only have to take out the Buffalo's, and every other gang in this area will fold like a pack of cards.' 'Except the Goo Dragons, who will fold like a pack of school girls.' 'Eh? How does someone fold like a pack of school girls?' 'Didn't you ever climb up to the top of the gymnasium in High School and look into the girls showers. They fold everything. They fold their clothes before going into the shower, they fold their towels, they fold everything. I figure, they fold things all the time.' 'Eh? I guess they might fold like a pack of school girls.' 'Except of course that they are not school girls.' 'Yeah, yeah! Similar to school girls, but different. I know. I know.' 'Except Hojo, who wears sailor suits.' 'Yes, yes. All except Hojo, blah, blah.' 'I was thinking, maybe we can get Hojo the "Joan of Ark" girls sailor uniform for a present.' 'No, no. Way to kitschy. Besides, I heard his mistress was already buying him one.' Shou clicked the DVD remote and the movie started to play again. 'Stand where you are Dracula, in the name of Saint Katherine!' 'Vhy, Joan. Vhat an unexpected surprisssse. I zought my army of pop-a-singers vould have stopped you by zee gate.' 'Not in your life time Dracula! You see this giant stake I've made, this is for your evil heart.' 'No, Joan! No, be carevul wizz zat stake!' With that, Joan raced across the floor of the castle with an enormous stake in her hand and stabbed it through Dracula's heart. He fell to the ground. 'But Joan, you forgot about one zing. You forgot abouts Jack!' Joan picked the stake up and rammed it into his heart once more making sure he was dead. He shuddered and his eyes went glassy. Suddenly, Joan realised that in that last effort, the bottom of her tunic got caught between Dracula and the stake. She had pinned herself to the beast. She pulled at the stake. She had pushed it in too far. She started to pull on it even more. 'Hello, Joan.' Joan turned. It was Jack the Ripper. He was standing on a balcony which circled the room. He had a flaming torch in one hand, and a jerry can full of parafin in the other. 'Jack! You don't stand a chance. Not while I have God on my side. I've vanquished the pop stars. I've destroyed Dracula, and by Saint Katherine, I'll destroy you too!' 'I don't think so Joan. You see, you have fallen into our trap. You have pinned yourself with your own stake. Now, I will set you on fire.' Jack threw the paraffin and the jerry can landed at Joan's feet. The paraffin began to leak out onto the floor and soak into Dracula's body. Jack began circling on the balcony level coming closer to Joan. He stopped just above her with the torch flaming menacingly. 'Ill take that,' said Indiana. His whip darted out from off screen and there was the sound of a light sabre and SWOOSH, Jack's torch carrying arm was off and the whip lashed around the torch. The camera panned back revealing Darth and Indiana on either side of Jack. Jack looked stunned, his body went limp from the shock of loosing a limb, and he fell forwards, over the balcony railing and onto the castle floor below. 'Well Joan, I think you owe us both one,' said Darth, through his mask. 'Oh, Indiana. Oh, Darth. You're both still alive!' squealed Joan. 'Yes, Miss Joan,' said Indiana. 'We decided to put aside our differences. Whoever you decide to go with, well, we decided the other one of us will be the best man at the wedding.' 'Wedding? Oh, I can't get married, I must remain a virgin in the service of God.' 'She's all your Indie!' 'No way, I don't want to marry a perpetual virgin.' 'I don't walk around with a giant light sabre to compensate you know. I have women to service.' 'Well so do I. This whip is just a symbol of the amazing powers of my tongue.' While they were busy one up-man-shipping each other's manhood, Igor, Jack's faithful assistant raced out of the shadows. He grabbed both Indiana and Darth in an enormous bear hug and all three men (if we can in fact call Igor a man), went through the balconies railing and onto the floor below. They crashed to the floor with a bone crunching hit at the bottom. The torch flew from Indiana's hand and landed smack bang in the middle of the Paraffin at Joan's feet. 'Oh, no!' screamed Joan. 'Not again!' The flames licked at Joan, as they also raced across the paraffin engulfing Igor, Indiana, Darth, Jack, Dracula's body. Once again, the movie ended with Joan being burnt at the stake. Shou and Ryota openly weeped, as all viewers of the Joan of Ark movies did. The credits began to scroll up the screen, and Shou secretly blessed himself that he had ordered that 'Joan of Ark Meets Dracula' beach towel. He loved Joan.