Quick How To Guides (Part One)

Guide One - How to Waste Dabido's Time: This morning, it was raining, and had been raining heavily all night. So instead of my one hour walk outside, I decided to do it inside. This took my two hours and five minutes. How did I manage to take so long to complete a one hour walk? Well, it comes down to time wasting. I don't like wasting my own time, but other people seem very adept at wasting mine. In my case, it was because my mother kept wanting to have conversations with me. Only, I was wearing a walkman and listening to a tape as I walked. My mother would keep saying things to me, and I'd have to turn the walkman off and ask her to repeat what she'd said. After having a brief discussion with her, I'd wait and see if she was going to continue. No, she had stopped talking. Good. On with the headphones and on with the play button. Then, just as I've taken one or two steps, she'd suddenly start talking to me again. Gees! Off with the play button. Off with the headphones. Then I'd have to get her to repeat it again. Mind you, none of this was important stuff either. Just random chatter my mother believed she needed to tell me. Add to this, the Governments latest effort. As you know, (If you are a regular reader) I am trying to do a Cert IV in Business as well as starting my very own small business. Last night, at four thirty, I received a phone call telling me that I wouldn't be allowed to start my course without clearance from a different Government Department (as they were unable to update it on their computer screens). Only problem, is the Government Dept. I needed to see, closed at four o'clock. So I had to wait till this morning. Down to the Government Dept. I went. I had obviously chosen the wrong time to go, as there was a large queue. My timing was even worse, as I was standing behind a lady, who smelled like a garlicy durian left out in the hot sun with horse sweat and pig fat smeared on her body. The worst thing was, the line was almost out the door, I was only just able to fit into the office. I tried to stand about two or more feet behind her, but more people kept arriving. On top of that, I noticed that a large amount of people were already waiting in the waiting room. Eventually, the line slowly moved forward. Only, this lady was waiting behind her husband. I was fortuitously not able to smell him. I figured his odour would be of a similar nature to his wife's. Only, she started to stand a few feet away form her husband, so much so, that eventually the line was in two parts; her and her husband, and the rest of us. The 'rest of us' was made up of about ten people, all trying to squeeze into the office. Maybe she was standing furthur back from him because he really did smell worse than her! I know, it's hard to believe, but the possibility was there. Eventually, they were served, and I was able to move to the very front of the line and 'the rest' were able to fit into the office. I got to see one of the people behind the counter, and they asked me to take a seat and someone would see me shortly. I looked around the waiting room, and realised that one side had all the seats taken up. The other side had some okay looking asian ladies. My radar is very good like that. Ask my friends, I've been sitting in Sydney pubs before, with my back to the door, and suddenly gone 'Asian girls' and spun around. Sure enough, a group of asian girls would be walking through the door right at that instant. I should point out, there were no windows, or mirrors to catch reflections or anything. Sometimes I just know! (My spider sense is tingling). The joke being, that if I ever get to Japan, I'll get whiplash in the first five minutes after getting off the plane. Anyway, what I didn't realise, was 'smelly lady' and her husband were sitting over this side of the room. In fact, they were sitting four seats away from each other. Obviously, they don't like each other's smell! Who can blame them? Well, I ended up walking to the back of the waiting room, and tried not to sit near either of them. I started off pretending to be reading the Government Properganda on the walls. After a while, I ran out of things to read, so I had to take a seat somewhere. I sat in one of the chairs behind and to the right of 'smelly lady'. Eventually, all the people we getting seen to. A Government official would come out and call their name, and they would disappear into a distant office / cubicle somewhere. While waiting, they called for a guy, who's last name she called 'Coran or Koran' or something (pronounced like the Islamic Holy Book). He corrected her, and said it wasn't Coran. Somehow they'd added Coran onto the end of his name. The rest of his name was correct, so he got to disappear into the back office. It got me wondering though. What if his last name was 'Koran', like the Holy Book? Would that be considered blasphemous or extra holy by Muslims? Of course, it might have been from another language, so might just sound the same, in which case, would it still be an acceptable name if the person converted to Islam? (Yes, these are the sort of crazy thoughts which go through my brain. Especially when waiting or bored). Eventually, my name was called, and I was ushered into a cubicle to talk to the Government official. They were perplexed by why I was there. Apparently, they have nothing to do with my course or business and told me so. They tried to phone the people who had phoned me! Sorry, they couldn't contact them today. Anyway, they told me, another Government Department handles this sort of thing, and they have to talk to them. Nothing to do with me. So I was sent off. So, one hour of my morning wasted in Government waiting rooms for no reason at all. Only, according to the phone call last night, if it doesn't get sorted out by Wednesday, then I won't be able to start my course. No course, means no business. No business, means WTF am I still doing in Australia!!!!? If I turn up tomorrow and find they won't let me do the course, then I really am off to the UK. (Yes, I keep threatening to do it. I keep trying to find ways to stay here ... but the Government just keeps finding ways to behave incompetently and ruin every attempt I make to stay here.)