D'BLOG

GRAND OPENING

2006-08-01T17:48:00.000+08:00

PLEASE UPDATE YOUR BRAINCELLS. :-)

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE FOURTEEN]

2006-07-31T19:22:00.000+08:00

The much publicised spat between Batman and Superman has some origins that people don't know about. This is actually where it started.

'Bruce,' screamed Clarke. 'You`re not impressing anyone dressing up as a bat and running around in spandex.'

'Come off it Clarke,' replied Bruce. 'You know it turns you on. Check out these moves, I call them the Batusi.'

'Ptttth, the Batusi will never take off.'

'No, no, check it out. It's very sexy, baby. Real seeeexxxyyy.'

'You're an idiot Bruce.' 'Don't call me an idiot! I'm the greatest business mind in the world.' 'You're an idiot with no moral fibre what-so-ever!' 'No moral fibre? You can talk you two bit hand bag snatching herion addict!'

Clarke had enough. He stormed out of the room. Yet, somehow, deep down inside he knew Bruce had been right. It's very difficult to take the high ground when you know you're not that perfect yourself. At this point, Clarke decided to be as perfect as he could be. He returned to the farm to talk to Jor-L.

'Daggnimmity, doodity,' said Jor-L. 'We tried so hard to bring you up right. I was worried for a while. You seemed to have completely lost it, especially with the drugs and all. Yet somehow, you've worked it all out yourself Clarke. I'm daggnimmity proud of you.'

'Thanks, Dad,' replied Clarke. 'From now on, I'll use my powers for good to help people and to fend off evil.'

'Daggdoodity nammit, there's a great evil in the world at the moment. Giant turtles are terrorising Fukuoka, T-Rexes are terrorising Sapporo, and a werecow is running amoke in India!'

'Werecow?' 'I'm over here,' said Bernadette (whose stunt career hadn't taken off at this stage). 'What?' asked Clarke. 'I thought you wanted to know where the cow was,' replied Bernadette. 'No, I was asking about the werecow!' 'I'm here!' 'No, werecow.' 'Here! I'm HERE already!' 'NO! NO! NO! WERECOW! LIKE A WEREWOLF!' 'Where wolf?' 'Yes, like a were wolf!' 'Where?' 'That's right.' 'What's right? Where wolf?' 'Where?' 'I don't know, I thought you knew!' 'I knew what?' 'Where wolf!' 'Where?' 'That's what I asked.' 'What?' 'Where?' 'What?!!' 'What, what? I want to know where.' 'Where what?' 'Where what what?'

'Daggnimmity,' interupted Jor-L. 'You're both drivin' me nuts! Stop it! Listen Clarke, you have to go and build a fotress of solitude. Some place where you can think.' 'Like the toilet.' 'No, not like the toilet! A fortress of solitude. A nice quite place where you can just sit there and think.' 'Like the toilet!' 'NO! Daggnimmmity! Go to the north pole, find a nice quite place, build a huge friggin' fortress from ice that will give you somewhere daggnimity TO THINK!' 'Can I think in the toilet at the fortress?' 'Yes, daggnimiity! Of course you can think in the toilet! Just, the whole purpose of the place is so you don't have to sit in a friggin' toilet to think. You have the entire fortress to do it in.' 'But it does have a toilet, right?' 'Of course it daggnammity has a friggin' toilet. What were you planning on doing? Poopin' on the walruses or something!' 'No, no,' said Clarke. 'Just needed to know it was going to have plumbing and everything ... and somewhere to think!' 'Daggnammit, just pick up the spaceship and fly to the North Pole.' 'Um, my powers are returning, but they haven't completely returned yet. Plus, I'm afraid of what might happen when I go through detox.' 'Okay, pick up the daggnimmity spaceship and carry us to the North Pole. Just don't stop in Canada and drink all their beer. Those Cannucks get mighty upset if people drink all their beer.'

And so it was that Clarke picked up the spaceship and headed for the North pole. Along the way he accidently dropped the spaceship on a Canadian mounty, but no one cared as it was only Duddley Do-right.

A polar bear did try to take a bite out of Clarke, but that Bear landed with a huge smack in the middle of Africa. It left him totally confused and rather hot in that fur coat!

For two weeks Clarke built his fortress of solitude with indoor plumbing and went through detox of the heroin. The hard work helped him to sweat out the drug. His super powers returned at an exponential rate, and he was soon back to full working capacity as the red underwear wearing superhero we've all come to love.

Sometimes, you just can't blog about stuff.

2006-07-30T19:16:00.000+08:00

I just had a friend from Sydney phone me … and I’d love to blog about what we spoke about … but, it’s one of those things that you can’t because the conversation contained highly personal stuff … and well, you can’t betray peoples confidences and stuff. I’m sure you understand.

But, without going into any detail concerning a lot of things, I will say something, I totally melted this persons mind.

It’s one of those things … you’re talking, and believe me, we’ve known each other for ABSOLUTELY a HUGE amount of time. Then, she suddenly realised something about me … for want of some better words I’ll use these ones. She suddenly realised I was a lot more pure than she thought I was.

THEN, somewhere in the shock [actually, you will have to imagine this conversation with LOTS of shocked silence from the other end of the phone], she started talking about how we’ve previously gotten drunk together … till I pointed out I’d never got drunk before with her … and there was more shocked silence as she realised that we hadn’t. She’d never seen me drunk. OMGoodness. I was even MORE pure than she thought. lol SHE was SHOCKED INTO MORE SILENCE!!!!! OMGoodness!!!!!!

I find it funny, as she’s known me now for ten or more years … she’s one of my closest friends in Sydney, and YET she had this blind spot to me … and I guess, I had this blind spot to her and my other friends knowing about this side of me … which sort of amazed me, as some of my friends always used to tell me I was perfect (in a purity sort of a way). lol I guess it’s not easy to find someone like that, as being pure in that sense of the word is sort of … considered nerdy and frowned upon! lol

One of my best friends ALWAYS used to rave on about my ‘purity’ after I talked him out of cheating on his fiance.

[I know, it sounds like I’m blowing my own trumpet, but I am just using the word ‘pure’ as I can’t think of another word for it … you’d laugh yourself silly I think if you knew the conversation … or go into complete shock over it like my friend did!]

Anyway, my friend said she wished I was in Sydney so she could hit me over the head! Guess her vote is for me to stop being so pure! lol

Anyway, it’s the sort of thing I can’t blog about with any details. lol

Dabidity Fair

2006-07-29T22:22:00.000+08:00

With the recent announcement that Daniel Radcliffe (AKA Harry Potter) is going to appear naked on stage in London, I couldn't allow myself to be upstaged.

. . . . * * * *

I know. I know. A lot of you are asking the question, what are you going to do about this, with your big man boobs, your tummy that makes you look like you're pregnant beyond belief ... well, there is only ONE thing I can do ...

. . . . * * * * *

Yes, it is the latest cover for Dabidity Fair. :-)

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE THIRTEEN]

2006-07-27T20:32:00.000+08:00

Harold was having a wonderful time. Sure, New York was being terrorised by a huge hairy ape who liked to eat tanks, trains, planes, people, objects … well, almost everything it could get it’s hands on, but Harold could still see the upside.

As a Gremlin, chaos was just a normal part of life. New York was getting colder as it headed towards a bitterly cold winter. However, now he’d found himself a nice warm place to sleep. Harold liked nothing better than to curl up, all toasty like and have sweet dreams.

‘HAROLD!’ screamed Clarke. Harold awoke with a start. ‘Harold,’ continued Clarke. ‘Get out of the monkey poo!’ ‘But, it’s so nice and warm!’ ‘You’re sleeping in our fertaliser! We have to sell it, and I don’t want any gremlin contamination getting into it!’ Harold climbed out of the large monkey pat he’d been sleeping in and slunk off to the showers in a nearby Wayne Industries warehouse. Clarke was slowly regaining his super powers as the kryptonite worked it’s way out of his system. It had only taken a matter of hours to fly from Gotham to New York. Something still faster by plane, but Clarke was getting better … slowly.

Clarkes mobile phone rang. ‘Hello? Oh Bruce, good to hear from you … Yeah, I’ve got the stuff you wanted … Yeah, I’ll be back in a few hours … hmm, two FBI agents you say. One of thme isn’t Fox Dabido is it? That pig was the guy who put the kryptonite in my heroin. Yeah, I’ll take him and his friend out … X-files? No, never heard of the show. Why do you ask? … really? Don’t remember an episode full of monkey poo at all. Okay, see you too Uncle Bruce … um, can you stop blowin me kisses over the phone … no, I don’t like it … I think I’d know if I like dit or not. Look, I’ve got to go, Harold is playing in the product again!’ With that Clarke hung up the phone and went to haul Harold out of the monkey poo again.

*****

‘Oh, Come on turtle,’ said Grasshopper. ‘Just go in the back of the truck. It’s so much easier thna having to hire people to shovel it in.’

Lunther Corp had managed to corner the Tokyo monster poo market, but Wayno Industries had conquered the New York, and to a lesser extent the Gothopolis Hulk poo market. Together, they were making many world deserts capable of growing food for the world. Lunther Corp were busy working on the Sahara crop fields, while Wayno Industries concentrated more on the American deserts and the Gobi desert in China.

‘Come on turtle. I have other monsters to negotiate with.’ The giant turtle screamed, which would have made perfect sense if Grasshopper was capable fo speaking Monster, but alas, he only knew English, Mandarin, Japanese, Korean and twelve different Chinese dialects [mainly from the Southern regions]. For someone who was effectively a lazy sod, his total fascination with all things television related had led him to learn an awful lot of different languages. He had smatterings of French, Italian, and Hindi, and several other languges. Alas, not one of them was monster.

The turtle screamed out again, ‘Clear the area you stupid human. I have to go urgently. I’ll go in your friggin’ truck, but just move else you’ll be engulfed in a tidal wave of …’ It was too late. Grasshopper’s kean martial art moves were not enough to save him from a rapid surf down the Narita Highway in a wave of green. No one knew what that turtle kept eating, but his by products were green and things grew in it very easily. In fact, they often grew twice as large as they should have. No one really cared, as it was all being fed to the poorer third world countries.

*****

The two vampires were hanging upside down in a tree in Sapporo. ‘So,’ said the first one. ‘You seen that new movie, the Da Vampire Code?’ ‘No, what’s it about?’

The conversation might have continued, except a large T-Rex type creature stood on the tree. Being vampires, they were not killed in the slightest. However, they had broken ever bone in their bodies and were squashed rather falt.

As the T-Rex foot moved off them and rumbled into the distance, they both lay there, flat as pancakes. ‘Kill me now!’ ‘With what? I don’t have a stake.’ ‘Even if we did, how wold we lift it?’ ‘A dog is nibbling on my flattened foot. Shoo, shoo doggy. Shoo, or I’ll bite you on the neck.’ ‘You can’t bite a dog, you might turn into a werewolf.’ ‘Don’t be stupid, you only turn into a werewolf if you’re bitten by a wolf on a full moon.’ ‘I thought that was werecows!’ ‘Werecows? Are you nuts? There aren’t any werecows in Sapporo.’ ‘Oh yeah, I forgot, they’re all down in Kobe.’ ‘That’s right. ANd I heard they have flying ones in a place called Smallethorpe in America.’ ‘Flying cows! Pttthhh, you’d believe anything you see on Tee Vee.’ ‘Why are flying cows so hard to believe?’ ‘Oh, come on. Vampires, werewolves, werecows, T-Rex monsters, giant apes in New York, gremlins and yetis on motorcycles, those things exist, but flyin cows! You’re just so gulliable!’ ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right. I have such a vivid imagination!’

And so it was, that four hours later Brad the Unpaler [vampire extraordinaire], was able to reassemble himself inside a dogs stomach, while his friend, Ivan the ‘Not So Nice’, had to wait for a rampant squirrel to nibble on him before any reassembling from flat to vampire was again possible.

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE TWELVE]

2006-07-26T19:44:00.000+08:00

‘So Elm Scully,’ said Fox Dabido. ‘Where do you think we stand?’

‘Well, I’m standing on the sidewalk. You’re standing knee deep in monkey poo!’ ‘What? Oh … er… darn it, and these are new shoes too!’

It was true, somehow Dabido had not realised he’d stepped in some poo. Not an easy feat, as it was as large as a house, though of course it was spread out across the street a little.

The FBI agents had been called to investigate weird paranormal phenomena occuring in and around Gothopolis.

‘Okay,’ said Dabido. ‘Other than the monkey poo, where do we stand?’ ‘Well,’ said Elm. ‘We have several eye witnesses that a large ape is terrorising downtown New York.’ ‘What’s that got to do with Gothopolis?’ ‘Well, there are rumous of mob connections here in Gothopolis. It’s been said that a consortium from here has been buying up all the New York ape droppings and delivering them to this warehouse.’ ‘Ptttttth, little chance of that. Where’s the evidence that such a stupid story could be even remotely true?’ ‘It’s crap.’ ‘That’s what I thought.’ No, I mean yYou were just standing in it!!!’ ‘Oh, that! Okay, so there is SOME evidence.’ ‘It’s monkey crap.’ ‘Stop confusing me! Do you believe the story or not?’ ‘ I mean the evidence is monkey crap.’ ‘Oh, okay. I misunderstood.’

As they were speaking, a blue flash raced past, and Dabido’s new Gucci handbag disappeared! ‘Not again!’ screeched Dabdio. ‘That’s the second handbag this week!’ ‘As a man, don’t you think you shoudl give up on the handbag thing?’ asked Elm. ‘Um … I could. But, you know I have a style all my own!’ He gracefully tossed his head to the left and then to the right, exactly the way Farrah Fawcet would have done it in Charlies Angels, provided she was a short fat man with little hair. ‘I bet anything it’s that Clarke kid from that farm!’ ‘What kid? What farm?’ ‘The kid form Krypton!’ ‘Huh?’ ‘The one you used Kryptonite to spike his heroin.’ ‘Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.’ ‘He’s from another planet! How many people have you met from another planet?’ ‘Other than the four this week? Does my cousin Merl count?’

As they were speaking a guy in red and blue spandex with a black web texture landed flat in front of them in the monkey poo. *SPLAT* He quickly got up [well, after a brief swim to the edge] and ran away. ‘Did you see that Dabido?’ ‘Um … are we talking about that spiderguy who just ran away?’ ‘Yes! That’s what I’m talking about.’ Dabido breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Oh goooooood, I’m not having those spider halucinations again. They’re almost as bad as the snake ones!’ ‘Anyway, shouldn’t we investigate?’ ‘Why? We’re paranormal investigators. We don’t go around investigating weird guys who dress in skin tight costumes and bungy jump into monkey poo.’ ‘Yes, we do. What about that guy we investigated last week?’ ‘Oh, that was completely different. That was a guy who dressed as a latex scorpion and dived into cow manure. That’s nothing like this.’

As they were speaking a large truck labeled, ‘Wayne Industries - Simian Fertaliser Division’ rolled past. ‘Dabido, our first major clue!’ Dabido raced over to the monkey poo and started looking through it. ‘Where? Where? Did the spiderguy lose his rolex in the fall?’ ‘Ewwwww! No, I mean the truck that just drive past!’ ‘Oh! Um … you don’t mind if we go back to the hotel. I think I need to have a shower.’

With that, Fox and Elm returned to the Hotel Unko so that Dabido could have a nice shower and freshen up.

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE ELEVEN]

2006-07-25T16:24:00.000+08:00

Grasshopper was sitting at the front of the plane in first class as it came in to land for a stop over at Narita airport. The plane made a nice three point landing without any bounce. As it was slowing down, trying not to hit the obstacle at the end of the runway, the brakes failed. All Grasshopper saw was it suddenly get very dark outside. If daylight had the ability to penetrate the mass outside, he would have realised the plane had smacked head first into a large round brown biscuit shaped thing that the T-Rex had left on the runway. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. We seem to have … er … plowed into some dino doo. You will need to exit from the back of the plane while the ground crew dig us out and refuel the aircraft.’

When the rear dorway was eventually opened, after the groundcrew brought some old movable stairs to the plane, there was a sudden rush of green smog. Most of the passengers found that the airsick bags, that most hadn’t needed before, now couldn’t be opened fast enough. If they had of thought that airplane food was bad enough before they’d eaten it, they now had to see it again.

‘I better mobile ahead,’ thought Grasshopper. ‘He pulled out his Lunther Corp mobile phone and dialed the head office.’

‘Lex speaking,’ said Lex. Grasshopper hadn’t realised he had phoned his direct boss, Lex Lunther.

‘Hi, this is Grasshopper, I’m the new exectutive from China.’

‘Yes, Grasshopper. What can I do for you?’

‘You’re not going to believe this. The planes going to be late, it’s sort of, stuck in dino doo.’

‘Ah, it’s all hit the fan has it?’

‘The fan, the cokpit, somes in the engines. But don’t worry, it’s all undercontrol. Just means I’m going to be arriving later than expected.’

‘Good, I have an assignment for you then. We’ve just bought a new hotel at Narita. Apparently it’s sustained a little damage when Wayuno Towers took a topple a short while ago. Can you head over there, spend the night and assess the damge for me?’

‘Yeah, sure thing Mister Lunther.’

‘Please, call me Lex Grasshopper.’

With that, Grasshopper sorted out his paperwork with the authorities and took a taxi over to the Lunther Hotel in Narita. The damage was minimal. Mainly, it was the turtle doo in the swimming pool that was a the problem. There were a few smashed windows and such, but the hotel staff had moved any guests from those rooms to better accomodation.

*****

‘Mister Wayuno,’ said the terrified voice at the other end of the phone. ‘We have very bad news for you. Your property has collapsed.’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Bruce. ‘Prices will come back up again.’

‘Not the price. The property has collapsed. Giant turtle one has been thrown into the building and building fell over.’

‘Giant turtle one? You’re numbering these things now?’

‘No, the giant turtle. Smashed up Tokyo, you know the one. He landed on the building. Building fall over. T-Rex ran away to Sapporo. Turtle very angry. Can’t find T-Rex, runs amok smashing trains, farting a lot and singing J-Pop tunes. People very scared. Never heard J-Pop in such a screeeechy voice before.’

‘So, you’re saying the building I just bought has been demolished.’

‘Hai. And no insurance against monster attack in Japan. Happens way too often.’

‘So, I’ve lost the entire building? How much did that thing cost me anyway?’

‘Was only fifteen thousand yen. Very cheap. Still, we are thinking of buying another building nearby for you. Little smaller, but only fourteen thousand yen. Still, it is fifteen stories high.’

‘Can you talk them down a little?’

‘I have tried, because of the cost of digging it out.’

‘Digging it out? Landslide? Earthquake? What’s it doing buried?’

‘Oh, more monster problems. Don’t worry, we arranged a fertaliser company to take it away. Made ten thousand yen on the deal.’

‘So, we’re only five thousand yen down? Well done Kato!’

Bruce hung up the phone. Hmmm, he thought to himself. There’s money in monster dung.

‘Clarke,’ ordered Bruce. ‘Get me our man in New York. Who did we send there?’

‘Actually, we sent Harold there after he refused to go to Toyko.’

‘Fantastic. Just the man we need! He’s used to being in up to his armpits.’

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE TEN]

2006-07-24T17:19:00.000+08:00

'Grasshopper,' said the wise sage. 'When you can snatch this pebble form my hand, then you may leave.' 'Are you nuts?' asked the young man. 'Why would I want to leave? I've got free board, free food, free satelite link to almost every station on television, and you're asking me to give that up by snatching a pebble from your hand?' 'Look, you have sponged off us long enough. Take the damn pebble.' 'No way! I'm not touching that darn pebble, nor am I sticking my hand anywhere near your dirty mit!' 'Are you saying my hands are unclean?' 'They stink. You've been gutting fish again, and you haven't washed afterwards.' 'Hey, someone has to gut the fish. If you ever got off your fat lazy butt, maybe you could feed yourself. The rest of us monks are tired of it. Take the friggin' pebble or we'll kick your ass to the highest heaven!' 'You looking for someone to kick your nuts into your brain old man!' 'Don't call me an old man, Grasshopper! I've got friends you know. One hundred monks live here, an evey single one of them wants to kick your ass outta here!' 'Well bring them on, I'm not afraid!' As Grasshopper finished his sentence, the tranquil Japanese garden where they sat began filling with Shaolin monks. Some came with large sword, others carried halberds, bows or spears. One carried a carrot, which he'd mistakenly grabbed off the kitchen table. It was only upon arriving in the garden that he realised he hadn't grabbed a knife at all. 'Heeeeyyyyyaaaaaahhhhh,' began Grashopper as he began some slow movements with his hands, twisting and contorting them into different shapes. 'Heeeeeoooooooaaarrrghhhhh, ooooOOOOooo aarrrrrggghhheeerrrrrggggg.' 'Huh! The drunk terapin moves will not save you this time,' said the old monk. 'We have been training in the style of the smacked out yak, the best attack against the drunk terapin style.' 'I'll switch then,' said Grasshopper. 'Heeeyyyyooooooo uuuuuurrrrgggggle aaaarrrrrr ooooooooeeeeeaaaahhhh!' Grasshopper began moving in more twisting contorting slow motion moves. His eyes opened wide revealing a sort of madness only seen in the cream of martial arts experts. 'The crack whore eagle style is no match for our smelly goat underpants style.' 'What about this one then? Heeeeehhuiiiiioooooo argggh oooreeeeaaaahhh.' 'Huh! The melted horse nipple style is nothing compared to the jelly rabbit burnt pancake style!' 'What about this then? Hooooo Haaaa earghlghlllurrgh zzzzeeeeeeeeppppp!' 'The ribena vodka monkey style isn't even practiced anymore. It's gone! Who are you trying to kid?' 'Then try this on for size. Hhhhaaarrrr, goooo zeeee pppttthhhh aaarrrggh!' 'I don't even know what that is, but it looks amaturish and totally ineffective!' At this point Grasshopper, tired of bluffing, just kicked the old man in the nuts and ran for the gate. It had been a good ten years, and Grasshopper had never once raised a finger to help around the place. Now, it looks like the whole thing was over. He ran out the gate and down the street. A few arrows hit the cobbled stoned street here and there, but none hit him. He was a little curious though as to why a carrot bounced off his head. He was now free. He hated being free, as it meant no one to wash up after him, no one to wash his robes, no lounging around in front of the television set watching re-runs of Oprah. He now had to fend for himself. He didn't know where he was going, or what he was going to do. He aimlessly walked into the Beijing office of Lunther Corp, not even knowing where he was or what Lunther Corp did. 'Watta ya want?' asked a security guard looking up from his newspaper. The guard was behind a big desk and looked like he was a dairy cow as he chewed on what Grasshopper assumed was gum. 'Um, I'm after a job, as an executive?' 'Okay, head up to floor five, personal.' 'Aren't you going to ask any question? Like who I am, or my experience?' 'What do I looks like? A friggin' human resources graduate? Just go up to level five, ask for a job, and if they want you chucked out, they'll call me.' 'Um, okay.' With that, Grasshopper took the elevator to the fifth floor and went into the personal department. 'Hi,' said a girl behind a desk so large she probably needed to take a bus to get to the other side. 'Oh, Hi,' said Grasshopper. 'I want a job as an executive.' 'You willing to travel to Gothopolis? 'Cause we got an opening there I believe.' 'Yeah, sure.' 'Let's look at your hands then.' 'My hands? You going to read my palm?' asked Grasshopper as he stretched his hand out. 'Nah,' said the girl. 'Just checking to make sure you're an executive.' 'Really? You can tell that from my palm?' 'Yep. I can tell you've never done an honest days work in your life. Never lifted a finger around the house, lazier than a comatosed sloth on valium!' 'That's me alright!' 'Good, you're hired.' The girl behind the huge desk arranged his airfare and a taxi. In five minutes, Grasshopper was in a taxi on his way to Gothopolis, somewhere in the US of A.'

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE NINE]

2006-07-23T19:20:00.000+08:00

'Hmmmm,' said Kong to himself. 'This is hard on the outside, and sort of chewy in the middle. Not nearly enough filling though. Mainly all air. To think they pay millions for these things. Oh well, plenty more where that came from. Here comes a whole stack of them for me to eat.' The US 1st Armoured division rolled down the road towards him. Kong loved these things, as he just had to run around the corner, climb a little way up the building out of sight, and leap on them as they finally arrive at the cross road. The lack of vision hampered the tanks from seein Kong once he was above their eye line. The helicopters were a bit if a nuisance though, thought Kong. Got nasty paper cut off one of them. Those twirly things they have on their heads. Remind me of those computer geeks I ate a little while ago. Stupid fools, walked up and asked me to pose for thier blog site, wearin stupid hats with plastic twirly things ... what do they call them? Oh yeah, propeller heads! Well, that'll teach them! Oh kewl, first tank has arrived, time to leap on it, knock the top off and have some lunch! WeeeeeeeeH! Meanwhile, back in Toyko, their was a distinct lack of city left. The giant turtle wasn't feeling too good, and let one rip! Green smoke bellowed out from his insides into the surrounding area. The giant T-Rex creature gagged and ran for it. A large squid type creature had joined the fracas, but decided it would be better back in Tokyo bay. Bad enough it was having difficulty breathing out of water as it was, but now that stupid turtle was just turning things foul! The squid couldn't beleive it. Imagine arriving in Tokyo and finding the air unbreathable. Most of the Tokyo residence didn't actually notice much difference from the normal traffic fumes.

*****

'Well,' said Bruce. 'Looks like Wayne foundation is back up and running. We have only one major rival at present, Lunther Corp. Not to worry, it's run by some evil money hungry guy named Luke Lunther. He's been grooming his young son Lex to take over.' 'So, are we making enough money to support my habit?' asked Clarke, who was getting tired of having to snatch handbags. 'Not by a long shot young Clarke,' replied Bruce. 'All the money is being re-diverted back into Wayne Foundation at present. Plus, ther eis a lot of marketing to be performed. First of all, you're our new front for the organisation, so we have to get some PR people onto you to clean you up a little. Second, we have to get fitted for our lycra suits. Can't be superheroes without skin tight lycra, molding itself to my bulging biceps. Filling every nook and cranny. Leaving nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to the imagination. My tight glutes looking like two firm peaches in a skin tight bag.' 'Um, sorry to interupt,' interupted Harold, who was getting a little uncomfortable with Bruces monologue. 'Just, some of the other Gremlins are wondering if we're going to be getting cushy jobs. At present we're still mugging little old ladies, and beating up convenience store clerks and stuff. I mean, so of those clerks know karate and kung fu you know.' 'Ha ha,' said Bruce. 'Harold you old scamp. Of course they'll be cushy jobs for you and your friends. Have to reward the little people who put Wayne Foundation back on the corporate map. Just, we're a little tight for cash at the moment, you know, with the empire building and all. We've just opened another office in Singapore. That place isn't cheap you know. Office space is at premium prices. Difficult to afford anything on such a tight budget at present.' 'Well, can't you give at least one of us, and by one of us, I mean me, a little cushy job somewhere. Just so the rest of the boys know that things are moving.' 'Brilliant idea, Harold,' replied Bruce. 'I can see you're thinking on your feet. Just the man I need for the Tokyo office.' 'But, but,' stammered Harold. 'Tokyo is a flattened wreck at the moment. The monster wars have completely wasted the place.' 'Harold! You're a big boy. Besides, you'll fit right in.' 'It could be worse,' interjected Clarke. 'He could send you to New York. Apparently, there is monkey poo all over that place at the moment.' 'New York would be a walk in the park compared to TOKYO!' screamed Harold. 'Tokyo's completely flattened. WHERE AM I SUPOSED TO LIVE IN TOYKO?' 'Calm down,' said Bruce, a little too calmly for the likes of everyone else in the room. 'Not all of Tokyo is flattened. Out near Narita there are plenty of buildings, and none of them have suffered any damage. I've bought a building there. It's called "Wayuno Towers" now, named after Wayne Foundation. Anyway, Narita is completely in tact, and the property prices have come way down since everyone's moving away fom the monsters.'

*****

The T-Rex like creature picked up a QANTAS seven four seven and through it across the Narita runway. 'Get away from me you giant farty turtle!' it screamed. 'Aw, come on! I only let one rip, and it wa sin the middle of Tokyo.' 'I don't care, it smells foul and it's followed you!' 'Oh, a guy lets one rip in his entire life, just one, and automatically you're branding me the farty turtle! Like youv'e never cut the cheese in your life!' 'It didn't come out green and smelly like yours! Just, get away from me!' 'It's something I ate, honestly. You know, some of these humans just don't digest that well. I promise not to let one go again.' 'I don't even like you! Leave me alone!' 'Come on, I'll buy you a corn pizza.' 'We're not even friends! In Tokyo we were trying to kill each other.' 'Well, I like wrestling with my friends.' 'I told you, we're not friends! I HATE YOU!' 'Oh, hate is such an ugly word!' With that, the T-REx lifted the poor turtle and flung him across Narita, over the airport terminal and into a large building. The building cracked and as the turtle rolled on it's back on the ground, the top fell off, with the new sigange, 'Wayuno Towers' falling on his head! 'Aw gees,' said the turtle. 'That friggin' hurt!' 'Good, now go back and play with your squidy friend from Toyko bay!' 'Squidy friend? He has a name you know!' 'I don't care about his friggin' name! Just go play with him.' The remains of 'Wayne Tower' collapsed and fell on the turtle. While trying to get the cement off himself, the turtle didn't notice which way the T-Rex ran, and soon the T-rex was over the horizen and on his way to Sapporo.

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE EIGHT]

2006-07-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

A large supersized Gorilla climbed the Empire States building. In his left hand he clutched a blonde woman who screamed with all her might. Kong, the gorilla, finally made it to the top of the building. He placed the woman on the top of the Empire State building and looked to the skies. Some incoming bi-planes were heading towards him. He looked down at the woman. 'Wait a second,' he thought. 'That's not her! Darn it, now I've got to climb all the way back down and find the right one. I've been saving her to eat later, and now I've grabbed the wrong one! Oh, what the hey!' He picked the blonde up, shoved her in his mouth and began the long climb back down. The Bi-planes didn't get to have a shot at him, as he was soon below the New York skyline where it was too dangerous for them to fly. In the meantime, back in Gothopolis, Hulky had calmed down and had returned to his normal mild mannered self. The National guard was in disarray. Inside a half demolished building, which was once a five star hotel, Clarke, Bruce and Harold counted their nights haul. 'Well young Clarke,' said Bruce, his arm once again around Clarkes shoulders. 'Looks like a great night. So many people left in a rush, and that Hulky guy demolished lots of ATM's. So much money. We're back in business.' 'So, now where do we go Mister Wayne?' asked Clarke. 'Well, I'll invest this in some companies and we'll make a fortune. On top of that, I'll buy a few other companies along the way. We'll buy ourselves some lycra suits and run around a bit.' 'I mean, where do we go from Gothopolis. This place is trashed and I think we've stolen all the money.' 'Ah, I have a plan. We'll use Gothopolis as a hide out. Meanwhile, we'll raid Gotham, Metropolis and New York provided they don't get into some sort of weird trouble.' 'I've heard of another city that might be worth raiding,' interjected Harold. 'It's called Blogopolis.' 'Blogopolis?' said Bruce. Both Clarke and Bruce burst out laughing. 'There's no money in Blogopolis. It's poverty striken!' To make matters worse, Tokyo was havign problems of it's own. A giant turtle and a T-Rex ype creature were fighting and pushing over the Tokyo radio tower. 'Ah, could be worse,' said a young Tokyoite. 'It's less damage than the time those EVA units nuked us all to bits.' 'Huh, that's all I ever hear from you, EVA units this, EVA units that,' repied his girlfriend. 'You and your stupid EVA units. You seem to forget the time G-Force totalyl nuked the place too!' 'G-Force. Huh! A bunch of wimps if you ask me! I mean, the EVA units had a much harder tiem than stupid G-Force.' His girlfriend might have made a good arguement in return, except a large T-Rex type foot landed on them squishing them rather flat. 'So,' said another Japanese boy standing a little further down the road. 'Do you think it is worse than when Spaceship Yamato was around?' A shadow moved from out of an alleyway. It was another young boy. 'What are you talking about? I just played a card letting loose my Pickachu, this is a walk in the park!' 'I still think it might be a lot worse!' 'Pttth! You'll do anything to impress me Astroboy!'

18?

2006-07-21T22:17:00.000+08:00

On the 16th, The Great Swifty set me a meme to do. It's been five days, and I've finally got around to downloading the award winning film and viewing it. Now for the meme bit. [I just sat down and wrote ... so this is just one long stream straight from my brain. Hope it is coherent and not repetitive]. The Meme is about Danny Lim's film, '18?' The Film was vetoed from viewing in South Korea by the Malaysian Embassy there. The Sun asks 'why?' but the article answers it's own question. Reason given is Danny Lim is, “an anti-government political activist.” Of course, the question we all ask next is, 'Is he? Is Danny Lim an anti-government political activist'? Is it true? I find it sort of ironic in a way. The film has a bit of content where artists are interviewed [I find it funny when I see artists interviewed ... remind me to tell you one day!], but in it, the artists do speak a little about the restrictive nature of the local Government. How freedom of speech and freedom of expression are suppressed ... if the Malaysian Government wanted to prove otherwise they couldn't have done a worse things than suppress the film. [Like I said, 'Sort of Ironic'. It'd only be 'completely ironic' if the Malay Government actually wants to pretend to be in favour of freedom of expression. I guess they're just proving the artists in the film correct, and after all, I never heard the Malay Government make any claim to Freedom of expression]. Anyway, I don't really want to talk about the Malay Government. I'm not writing this piece to bag out a Government I don't live under. I know enough Malaysian who can do that on their own ... but feel free to bag the Australian Government if you have the urge. I don't want to give the impression I'm saying my country is any better when it comes to the truth. After watching the film, did I find Danny to be an 'Anti-Government Political Activist'? Not really. The film just tracks down some graffiti and asks some artists their opinion of it. In fact, he's done something which has often intrigued me. Haven't we all wondered at some stage, what a piece of graffiti really means to the person who wrote it, and who that person is and what that person is into? There is a plethora of questions which comes to my mind whenever I see something that intrigues me. I mean, advertising does it on purpose often with their 'Where's the Beef?', 'Got Milk?' and other questions they throw at us.

So, someone started painting '18?' all over the place. My first impression was maybe it was 1337 5p34k [elite speak], with the 1 = L and the 8 = ate. So, my interpretation would have been 'LATE?'

My response might have been. 'I am now that I missed my bus because I stopped here to ponder the meaning of “late?”'

Of course, the film asks a lot of people a lot of questions as to the meaning of the graffiti. '18?' WTFrig does that mean? ... and isn't really that the crux of what the writer/artist wanted to make you do?

Let's face it, it's what all artists want you to do ... think, ask questions, question everything.

I come from the school of, 'Question Everything' and 'It's Okay to ask questions'. We used to have a saying at University, 'It's Okay to ask questions, just make sure you get the right answers.' The problem I've found in life though, is that those in power [whether in Government, at Church, in Management, where ever], hate it when you come up with an answer that is different to their own.

And really, isn't that the real reason the film was vetoed. After all, the film itself doesn't give us the person who did the graffiti. We're left with a number of interpretations from a few different people, though the last bit with 'CD' of the different graffiti around the city does seem to give us a possible conclusive answer to the question being asked. [Though, is this CD really from the person who started the '18?' graffiti?]

I'm not sure it is, but I'm also not sure it isn't. [It's another question]. For all we know, the original graffiti artist who did the first '18?' graffiti was talking about something else. Someone else might have grabbed the graffiti and used it for their own purpose.

BUT, even if we are left with the reason for the graffiti, [if we believe the CD was authentic and the '18?' message is a questioning of National Service], the film maker is only the messenger of that reason. At no time does the film say, 'This is the reason for the graffiti and WE AGREE with what it is saying.' Nor does the film say, 'You must be against National Service'. Gees, if a film maker wanted to do a film like that, all they have to do is haul up a million arguments as to why it is bad, and bring forth people whose lives have been ruined by National Service. I didn't see that in this film.

The film isn't an expose on whether National Service is good or not. It's only tracking down the reason for the graffiti.

We do get to see a few artists who lament the lack of freedom of speech and expression under the present Government. Is this why the Government wants the film vetoed? After all, if people ask if they should have more right to speak what's on their mind, is the Government so insecure that they'll try to suppress it? Their actions seem to say that they are.

BUT, even at the end of all that, is this the film makers view? [Well, it probably is now that his film has been suppressed.] Are these not the views of the artists within the film?

Surely a Government secure in itself and it's own policies won't mind the people asking questions. After all, if they are improving things, then they can answer any criticism that people may have of them.

I think the two things in this film that are questions from the people are: 'Is National Service necessary?' and 'Should the people have more freedom of expression?'

I guess the vetoing is the Government saying, 'Don't ask questions!' But, every artist and every film maker any where in the world can tell you, the artist is there to reflect society and to ask questions. The only real reason a Government anywhere wants to stop people asking questions, is maybe they're afraid the people will have an answer different to their own. Whether the peoples answer is right or not, is irrelevant to the Government. However, as an artist myself, I believe the questioning from the people is important, even when they question the Government.

The vetoing of the film was a silly thing for the Government to do, as it INTERPRETS the film as being anti-government. It takes away the viewers ability to question by giving us an answer. The sad thing being, it may not be the answer the film maker wanted us to conclude, [ and as I said before, the film maker isn't trying to give us an answer, they're trying to get us to ask questions].

The vetoing seems to confirm one of the issues brought up by the artists in the film. When freedom of expression is removed, then the people have to express themselves in the only medium left to them, vandalism in the form of graffiti.

If the people are not allowed to say it, not allowed to express it, then truly, 'the writing is on the wall!'

If I had of been able to see this film WITHOUT knowing it had been vetoed, I doubt I could make much 'Anti-Government activism' in the film at all. After all, the original question was concerning, 'What's this graffiti that's become ubiquitous throughout the city? Who did it? What does it mean?' etc.

Sure, some in the film said it was against National Service, the CD at the end seems to conclude that it was by someone with that view. Still, the film itself did not say it agreed with this view.

Some of the artists complained of lack of freedom in speech and expression. Don't all artists complain of this, especially when they produce controversial pieces of art?

BUT, all conclusions have been taken away from the average person by the veto. We are TOLD it is Anti-Government by the Government.

I personally thought the film was quite a positive piece. The Governments actions are at least confirming the views put forward by the artists within the film. They said the Government was restrictive, and the Government goes out of their way to prove them right.

The writing is on the wall ... with more to come I would guess.

The MEME's rules:

Post Youtube's embeddable player of 18? on your entry.Post a link to Danny Lim's site to download his film. (if you are nice, you can even start a mirror site for him)
Voice out your opinions about the film , whether it is positive or negative. It can be a line, it can be a word, it can be a paragraph, it can be a fully essay, it's all up to you. No one's going to berate you for your opinions, you don't have to love the film, but at least spread it around.
Tag three others to do the same.

I didn't embed the Youtube thingy, cause I'm too lazy to figure out how to do that. Link to Danny's site is above.

Anyone who wants to download the film and do the meme can do so. I'm tagging Batman, Spiderman and Superman. :-)

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE SEVEN]

2006-07-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

The News Reporter moved amongst the carnage of Gothopolis. Behind her, cars burned, building walls collapsed and Barry Manilow could be heard playing in the background. The camera and sound man followed her through the wreckage. Most of the area was deserted. In the distant the sound of tanks driving through the city could be heard. She stopped and composed herself, checking her hair and suit. She looked over her shoulder to ensure the scene behind her looked right. She turned back to the cameraman, microphone in hand. 'Start rolling on three,' said the reporter. 'One, Two, Three ... The scene behind me looks like a terrorist group may have struck Gothopolis. This entire neighbourhood seems to have been detroyed. Cars ahve been overturned, buildings destroyed and civilians sent running for their lives. Reports of an unidentified large green monster have been coming in from all over. The Mayor of Gothopolis and the police commissioner have been quick to deny that such a monster exists. Casualties are unknown at present, though the sound of the national guards tanks and gun fire can be heard in the distance.' As she said this, a group of US army soldiers could be seen running down a nearby street. They were closely followed by a tank, which for all intensive purposes was flying upside down, with it's gun barrel tied in a knot. 'We're here at what appears to be the epicentre of the ensuring disaster. As you can see, this is not a natural disaster, this is man made. Whoever, or whatever group is responsible is as yet unknown. All we are sure of, is that people are leaving in droves, the city burns, and the authorities seem to be unable to cope with what is happening. Who can save Gothopolis now? We don't know. Maybe we need some sort of superman. Who knows? This is Lois Lane, signing off for Channel thirty eight news.' 'Cut,' said the sound man. 'That was great Miss Lane.' 'Thanks,' said Lois as the news crew headed back towards where they'd parked their van. 'Whatever is happening here, it certainly is more than the National Guard seem to be able to handle.' 'Yeah, let's get outof here before we find out,' said the camera man. If they could have stayed ten seconds more, they would have had the news report of the year. A large green monster appeared at the end of the street and ran ... neigh, bounded down the road. He stomped on cars, bent street light poles and peed a big green pee into the air like a fountain. Let's face it, in the comic stripes this guy may have had magic stretch underpants, but in real life, there wasn't a pair of jeans that could hold this monster. So, big green Hulky was running naked around Gothopolis where the entire National Guard could see his tackle. How he peed flouro green will be a mystery for many years, but Hulky, alias mild mannered Doctor William Banner [yes, the comic books, tee vee show and movie changed his name], could make green fountains, whcih he liked to spray all over the place. If you've ever woken up with strange green stains all over your house, it's most likely that Hulky has marked his territory. Meanwhile, Clarke was still at the top of the building he'd managed to leap to the roof of, Harold firmly in a place he'd rather he wasn't. 'Don't worry Harold,' said Clarke. 'I'll get you out.' It took some effort, but thanks to his remaining super powers Clarke was able to get Harold out. Just as he finished, Bruce Wayne arrived at the top of the building via the stairs. 'Ah, you're still alive,' said Bruce. 'No thanks to anyone warning me about that guy,' replied Clarke. 'Well, you need to understand about Gothopolis,' said Bruce. 'This is the place where ex-superheroes, super villians and shamed glam bands come to live out the remander of their days. It's an ugly town, but it's the only one we cna go where the authorities will ignore us most of the time.' 'You seemed pretty switched on mister,' said Harold. 'Can you help Clarke here regain his super powers? You see, the FBI gave him some bad stuff, and his powers have gone.' 'If you can get me the money, I can restart my Wayne Industries company. I've got the business brilliance to make a lot of money, but I need someone to act as a front for the company. You see, if people know it's me, they won't buy the products. However, if they think it's a new kid on the block, then I can make them, and myself rich. I can return to fighting crime.' 'And I can return to my drug habit,' said Clarke. 'I can get you that money, Mister. I just need to snatch a few more handbags, and we're on our way!' 'That's the spirit, lad,' said Bruce. Bruce, harodl and Clarke (with a slight limp), left the top of the building and headed to the stairwell. Below, the city burned and the sounds of the sirens from the cities emergency services could be heard. Soldiers screamed and tanks were washed down the road in a river of green. A shadow no one had noticed moved across the roof top. It spoke in little more than a whisper to itself, 'I think I have to stop that handbag snatcher. Or else my name isn't Lex Lunther.'

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE SIX]

2006-07-20T15:07:00.000+08:00

So it was, that Clarke found himself almost powerless. Sure, he coudl still outrun most people, and was stronger than most people, but his powers were greatly diminished. As such, he reverted to handbag snatchings and petty crime in order to maintain his now addicted body. Harold and the other Gremlins helped where they could in the occassional muggings, Seven Eleven robberies and beating up old ladies who pushed in line. Clarke realised that maybe he needed to have a good think about his life. He decided to head back tot he old farm to talk to Jor-L, to see if he could reverse the Kryptonitic effect of the funny powder. 'Daggnimitty darn it,' said Jor-L, who's program had got mixed with Jonathan and Marthas. 'I'll back you some cookies and tuck you in.' 'I don't need tucking in, I need my superpower restored.' 'Daggnammmity nimmity noobity,' said Jor-L. 'Those darn FBI agents scrambled the database when they were trying to work out how the computer worked on the spaceship. Now I have no idea what I'm up to. Anyway dear, don't worry about those nasty bullies. If you turn the other cheek, eventually they'll realise what a sweet boy you are and will become yoru friends.' 'Stop it,' said Clarke. 'If you won't help me, I'll return to Metropolis and revert to stealing handbags some more!' 'Daggnammititty Clarke, if I had my database in order, I'd know exactly how to sort this all out. In the meantime, have some milk and cookies. Problems are never as bad as they first seem. Dagggnammmmity!!!!' So, Clarke went to Gothopolis (which was a City between Gotham and Metropolis). He and Harold couldn't snatch enough handbags that night to afford a room, so the decided to hunker down in an alleyway with some down and outs. 'Huh,' said one of them hobos. 'You'd never believe how good I used to have it. My own mansion in Gotham city. I invented everything. I owned that city. Remember the M-Pod. Yeah, I invented that. Best seller for a while. Helecopters, boats, weird shaped cars. I owne them all.' 'Huh! I wish I ever had it that good,' said a second hobo. 'I was poor, but at least I was happy. Lived with my aunt Elsie and stuff, till one day a radioactive, genetically mutated spider bit me. Had problems ever since.' 'Sounds bad kid,' said the first hobo putting his arm around the second one. 'Tell me more about it.' 'Well, I was pretty sick for a while. Then these funny hairs grew on my fingers. I found I was able to climb walls, like a real spider.' 'Hey, I bet you were able to make spiderwebs fly out your wrist or something!' 'Huh! I wish, you ever seen a spider spin webs out it's wrist? Nah! They spin that stuff out their butts. I started to grow a weird gland near my butt-hole. At first I thought it was just bad hemoroids. No way. I kept putting cream on it. Didn't help. Then this white sticky stuff started coming out of it.' 'So, you can spin webs out your butt. That doesn't make a kid run away from home.' 'Nah, it had to do with the girl next door. A sort of ... incident happened. I was standing there, and forgot to close the curtains. I was checking the gland out and had a heap of white stuff on my fingers ... sticky web stuff. Anyway, I looked out the window an across to Mary Janes window. She was standing there staring at me. I sort of waved at her, and she saw all the sticky stuff on my hands. Called the police. I've been a fugitive ever since.' 'Here, let your Uncle Bruce comfort you for a while,' said the hobo named Bruce, as he gave poor Peter [the other hobo] a reassuring hug with his arm. 'Anyway Uncle Bruce,' continued Peter. 'You were some rich millionaire in Gotham. What happened to you.' 'It's a long story,' said Bruce. 'As a millionaire, philanthropist I was trying to do my best for the community. I built a big mansion and filled with all sorts of fun stuff. Lyrca suits, masks, gadgets. heaps of gadgets. Everything a young ward might want. Well, I really wasn't hurting anyone. I took in a young orphan named Dick. Well, as you can imagine, one thing lead to another. Probably all that running around in lycra suits did it. But, we became close, as guys often do. You know, doing guy stuff. Anyway, somewhere along the way, people just got the wrong idea. Became worse when some young upstart photographer from the Daily Planet, I tihnk his name was Jimmy Olsen or something. Anyway, he snapped some photo of me giving Dick a fatherly tonguey and that was it. Photo got published, people stopped buying Wayne products. The authorities too Dick away, and my fortune dwindled to nothing.' Somewhere in the telling of the story, young Peter had struggled loose, leapt up and ran down the alley. He almost tripped on a green scaley guy flopping around at the back of an alley. Someof the other hobos had found him in the river and hauled him out. Seeing he was all sort of green, they assumed he'd drowned, btu he'd started flopping around and struggling to breath. They figured placing him close ot one of the open fires in the alley might help him, but the guy just seemed to keep getting worse. Clarke and Harold entered the alleyway and pulled up a position next to some thin scientific looking guy. 'So, nice night,' said Clarke to him. 'Yeah, guess it is.' 'You, ah, hang here often?' 'Just when hiding from the US army.' Really? You AWOL?' 'Nah, I have an anger management problem ...' 'Really? You can't be that bad when you're angry?' 'Oh, you won't like me when I'm angry. I turn into a monster. A Big green ugly one.' 'A weedy looking guy like you? Don't make me laugh.' 'Please, don't call me weedy. I'm not weedy, Okay. Don't make me angry!' 'Oh, gees,' said another hobo. 'Everyone, get out of here, he's stiring up hulky again!' With that, the rest of the hobos took to their heals and ran. Clarke was lucky he still had some superpowers. He didn't know what hit him, but to any onlooker it would have been obvious. Hulky had picked up Harold and rammed him somewhre Clarke didn't want him. Clarkes super power to leap tall buildings returned that instant!

World Cup Meme

2006-07-19T14:00:00.000+08:00

World Cup Meme

This one’s taken from Laksa, who probably wondered where I was! lol

Your Best worldcup experience?

Eating, drinking soft drink and being happy at all hours of the night. I'm still sort of blur! lol

The best match?

Don't know. I don't remember that much any more. I loved the end of the Aussies Vs Japan match!

Your favorite chant?

'You're Ugly, You're Ugly, Yo Momma Says Yo Ugly!'

Oh wait, that's from Wildcats ... let me think. Only one I seem to remember was the English chanting something about 'My Grandfather killed your Grandfather' or something.

Most beatiful jersey?

I like blue, so Japan, Italy [friggin' divers] and well ... most of those nice blue jerseys.

Champion of the hearts?

Um ... as an Aussie I have to go for us Aussies. lol I thought Trinidad & Tobago & Costa Rica were also an underdog sort of favourites of mine. I didn't expect them to win ... but had to sort of go for them anyway! :-) In fact, I cheered for a lot of the underdogs even when I chose the other team to win.

Best beer during the worldcup?

I'm allergic to beer ... so, Ginger Beer! :-)

Most favorite player?

Hard to pick. Many good players on a lot of teams deserving of pats on the back. Let's face it, a lot of players put their hearts, minds and souls into this match. Teams like Togo probably shouldn't have been there, but their players still did their darndest to make an impression.

Best moment on TV?

I think when the Aussies scored those three goals against Japan! Wonderful way to end the match! :-)

Worst moment on TV?

All the bad refereeing decisions. I think they wanted to go for a record this time!

I also hate it when it goes to penalty shoot outs. Shoot outs aren't a nice way to go out of a tournament, and not a nice way to lose the cup. I'd prefer they go to more extra time and mroe extra time till the players die from exhaustion and someone dribbles it past the corps of the goalkeeper (who died of boredom!) lol

Did you enjoy it?

Yes and no. Great soccer skills. Wonderful to watch. Crap refereeing decisions. When they gave the Italians the penalty against Australia I almost 'burnt all my old soccer trophies and vowed never to watch a soccer game again'. It brought back too many bad memories of bad refereeing when I was playing (probably the main reason I stopped playing and switched to American Football).

And now? Back to the day job! :-)

Apologies to Swifty. I still haven't got around to your meme ... so much to think about with yours.

The Da Vampire Code [Dabvertisement!]

2006-07-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

We interupt this Superman story for a Dabvertisement!

COMING SOON!

Synopsis: Tom Hanks and Ron howard are conned into doing a crap movie about some French guy named Pierre Plantard's attempt to pretend he is French Royalty in a grab for the French Throne. Plantard plants fake evidence that Leonardo Da Vinci was a Vampire by biting himself on the neck. He claims Jesus was married to a fish and oversaw the Darren Hayes gay wedding. A Priest named Sauniere wins the lottery and lives happily ever after. Hanks and Howard get to ride on the Orient Express and have surnames starting with 'H'. Weeks go by, and people still think the movie is crap. The advertising money runs out and people flock to see Dead Man's Chest. In 1969 Man landed on the moon ... now he's back, and this time it's personal!!!!! Unfortunately, along the way, Hanks spaceship springs a leak and only Jesus can save them. Mr Blonde turns up, tortures one of the other astronauts and leaves before discovering that a Royale is actually a Quarter Pounder. Yes, the French do have the metric system, and so does Australia, so does that make Australians friggin' stupid for calling it a quarter pounder when we really should call it a friggin' 0.1133980925 Kilogrammer? Or maybe a 113.3980925 Grammer ... and how much does a Kelsey Grammer weight As much as a quarter pounder? In the mean time, Captain Jack runs into Davey Jones, who he had previously whipped with a towel in the locker room. Yes, they do call him Squid face! Other Vampire members of the Dentists of Pions [a quantum incisor school], include Isaac Newton, Victor Hugo and Bob the Builder. The Anti-Christ appears and then leaves as he forgets his lines. Howard chops most of his scenes and Nostradamus latest Quatain predicts another Hollywood flop! Hanks discovers that the anagram of Priory of Sion is Son of Rory Pii, proving that some guy named Rory killed the Priest killed in the beginning of the book. At this point I walked on the movie, as it was getting far to silly, even for me! :-)

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE FIVE]

2006-07-17T21:57:00.000+08:00

'You idiot,' said Harold the Gremlin, as Clarke dropped the drug pusher to the ground. 'You've just killed the only guy with a supply big enough to keep you going.' 'We'll find another one,' said Clarke. 'If you keep killing them, we'll run out of drug pushers!' At that point, Fox Dabido and Elm Scully came around the corner. They were tailing Clarke, but found it difficult at times, as he was so fast. 'What are we going to do Dabido?' asked Elm. 'You see this?' asked Dabido. 'Um, looks like a Gucci handbag!' 'Yep, bought it today. Matches my shoes,' said Dabido, straightening his hair and battin his eyelids a bit. 'Ah, looks a little feminine don't you think?' she asked. 'What? My new shoes! Oh, that bitch at the store told me they made my eyes stand out!' Agent Dabido flapped his arms about and danced in a circle like a gay alien who had just landed on a colour co-ordinated planet! 'Not the shoes! I mean the handbag!' 'Oh, that! Well, I wasnt' going to keep THAT! That's our bait for the Kent kid.' 'How do you figure that?' Dabido lifted a large plastic bag out of the Gucci. 'See this,' he said. 'It's pure...' Before he could finish the sentence, Clarke had seen the white powder in the plastic bag. He'd scored big time! In a flash he was over and ripped the Gucci handbag out of Dabido's arms! 'That BITCH!' screamed Dabido as he spun to the ground, less one Gucci handbag. 'That was Clarke,' said Agent Scully. 'Oh,' said Dabid. 'Well, that went well!' 'What are you talking about?' asked Scully. 'He just took the bait and ran ... or flew ... sort of ran and flew! Darn that kid moves fast.' 'Oh,' said Dabido. 'That was the plan. You see, we now have him on several counts! First, handbag snatching. Second, beingin possession of two kilo of heroin.' 'BUT ... WE ... HAVEN'T ... CAUGHT ... HIM!' said Scully through clenched teeth. 'Ah, you see, while I was scouting around the farm,' said Dabido. 'I found this spaceship, and I got talking with it's computer. Now, the computer happened to have a lot of weird playboy type magazines, but I found these other programs! First, one called Jor-L, and another called Daggnammity Jonathan Kent, and a third named Martha Kent. They were all the consciousness of this kids parents.' 'Um, doesn't that add up to three parents?' 'I don't know how many people it takes for aliens to mate! Anyway, apparently he's from a planet called Krypton.' 'Isn't that a gas?' asked Scully. 'Oh, it's a real trip, baby!' 'NO! Not that sort of gas. I mean, isn't it a type of gas, like in AIR!!!' 'Oh, air! Yeah. Anyway, I have to tell you about the most gorgeous set of belts and ties I found at Armani's.' 'We were discussing Clarke!' 'Oh, yeah. Remind me to tell the accessories story later then. Anyway sister, apparently, his allergic to this stuff called Kryptonite, which is a radioactive rock from his world.' 'So?' 'So, I laced the heroin full of the stuff. Jor-L helped guide me through how much was enough, and I've put enough in there to take away most of his super powers!' 'So, you've slowed him down?' 'Like a sloth on a valium, Baby!' It was true. Clarke, after sniffing the whoel two kilo's in one go, was lacking any normal super abilities. No longer could he see through girls dresses. No longer was he faster than a speeding bullet (except in the bedroom). No longer could he leap tall buildings in a single bound, (though he could go up the stair well ten steps at a time!) Clarke didn't test his ability to stop a speeding locomotive, but if he had of, he would have come off second best. Little did Fox and Elm know, but their entire conversation, including Dabido's later story about the accessories at Armani, was overheard by non other than Harold the Gremlin.

A Tail of Two Monkeys

2006-07-17T10:27:00.000+08:00

Apologies. I'll try and get around to doing some pictures for this story later. I have to work till 9PM tonight, so don't have the time to do anything other than write it today. Please, use your imagination till I get around to the drawings! Thnx! A TAIL of TWO MONKEYS It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times (yes, you often wonderd what that monkey at the typewriter on the Simpsons was writing!). Anywat, all was usual in the jungle, with most of the monkeys busy, chatting away to each other, doing the usual monkey thing. Dabido the Orangutan was busy sitting on his mountain of bananas, chewing away, thinking about the state of the world. He re-arranged some banana skins in the hope it might either prove or disprove string theory. Suddenly, a rock bounced off his head. He had received a tree mail. Yes, things were a foot in the jungle. All hell had broken loose. Apparently, one young monkey had been piling monkey poo in the jungle canopy above another monkey. Nothing seemed wrong till the branch broke and the poo came tumbling down on the poor monkey. Well, you can understand this monkey's rage. She in turn began flinging monkey poo back at the first monkey. Well, monkeys being the way that they were all began making their monkey chatters and squeals. The poo flinging was on for one and all. But, this isn't really a tail about these two monkeys. You see, that poo storm has been and gone, and we're not really concerned with that. This story is really about a group we shall call the Monkey Mob Klan. They like to run about in bedsheets. Dabido the Orangutan thought they must be even uglier than him (if that is possible), as they often wear hoods made of pillowcases over their heads. They claim it's so they can remain anonymous, but most of the monkeys knew that if they had nothing to hide, then they wouldn't need to be anonymous. Anywat, members of this mob of monkeys decided to head over to the first monkey's tree. While other wiser monkey's had prefered to voice their opinions out in the open, and without anything to hide, these MMK monkeys had decided to attack the first monkey. They did some things like setting fire to the tree, tried chopping it down by banging their heads against it, and generally being rude, flinging poo and making death threats. Most wiser monkeys realised that this was just all smoke and a lot of noise. But, this upset the poor monkey none the less. It also upset some of her friends, who then proceeded to defend the monkey's actions. Alas, some of this was poorly executed, and it sounded a bit like they were approving her right to go around heaping poo on other monkeys. After a lot of more reasoned chattering amongst the monkeys, a sort of consensus was reached. The two monkeys at the middle of it all had made up and you think it might have been the end of it. Well, it sort of was, except for this stupid group called the MMK. You see, other members (and let's face it, they are all members of the same anonymous group of monkeys), decided to head over to the tree of one of the wiser monkey's who had objected to the poo piling. This wise monkey was trying to show the first monkey the error of her ways, becasue after all, is it not the place of wiser monkeys to guide and nuture the younger ones. This attack on the wise monkey the MMK did as 'retribution' for the other members of their MMKlan who had made death threats and things to the first monkey. Now, they had turned up with flaming torches and their inane chattering, and started to head butt the tree in the hope it will fall over. But, the wise monkey ignored them. You see, she was a veteran of these sorts of things. Screaming MMK idiots were a dime a dozen, and she'd survived these silly tormentors before. The problem was, these MMK monkeys didn't seem to realise, that the very monkeys they really wanted to hurt, were the ones who were members of their own anonymous group. After all, it was the MMK monkeys who were making the anonymous death threats and things to begin with. Of course, because they had all remained anonymous, when the MMK turned once again, (for truely a lot of these were involved in the original poo piling to begin with), they were not actually hurting those who had made the threats or flung poo. So, the MMK monkeys didn't realise that their own behaviour was beign ignored by the majority of the monkeys. You see, the wise monkeys knew that this was all going to blow over in time. The MMK monkeys would turn up each day in smaller and smaller numbers, till eventually there would be none. They would get bored and seek another monkey to torment, some poor monkey who might react to the poo flinging, death threats and head butting. 'After all,' the MMK monkeys said to themselves. 'We've driven other monkeys from the jungle. We've caused them to close down their trees. We can do it again. We just have to find the right monkey to tourment.' Alas, these poor misguided MMK monkeys didn't realise, that their name calling and death threats are the cause for a lot of these problems. Maybe the wiser monkeys don't always get it right. After all, there were a lot of wise monkeys commenting. Some said, 'They are old enough to sort it out themselves.' Other's said ,'Piling poo and flinging poo is uncalled for by any monkey.' While others said, 'They are young. Let them pile an fling poo till they grow up.' But the point is, these wiser monkeys did not lower themselves to poo flinging. They may have had disagreeing opinions, but they prefered to talk, express and argue in rational ways as to what they had seen. As for the MMK, they're still out there. Some will eventually grow up and leave the MMK. Others will never grow up, and it is sad to see. While other young monkeys will join their ranks. 'Hmmm, it's been an interesting week,' said Dabido the Orangutan as he re-arranged his banana skins to solve Fermat's last theorem. 'Daggnammit, Dabido,' said Albert Orangstein. 'You were working on string theory, not playing with algebraic powers!' 'Sorry, Albert,' said Dabido the Orangutan. 'My mind got distracted for a while. You see, sometimes rivial matters in life distract us all from our important work.' 'Important work?' asked Albert. 'What like?' 'Well, eating bananas fora start!' With that Albert laughed and both Albert and Dabido sat back and ate another banana. And as we leave the jungle for another day, the chattering of monkeys and Orangutans could be heard in the distance. 'So ... what do you think of Rambutans?' asked Dabido. 'I could go a durian ice cream actually,' replied Albert. 'Ice cream sounds nice.' 'Yeah, I know a good shop run by humans that sells the stuff.' .................... ......... ... .

Vicky, hows this monster?

2006-07-17T01:01:00.000+08:00

They often refer to Envy as the UGLY GREEN MONSTER [when me and Shrek aren't around], so when Vicky asked me to make a green monster, I thought Kewl, I'll do an advertisement for Envy, the forogtten sin! Everyone is so into gluttony and lust, they're forgotten some of our childisher sins! :-) So get out there and find someone to envy!!! :-)

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While we're at it, ignore my Envy caption. Let's see who can come up with the best Green Monster Caption. :-) [Waits for lots of snot & Hulk jokes!] :-) YES, that means you ahve permission to steal the picture and add your own logo and stick it on yor own site! :-)

Monsters are the Posts of the moment.

2006-07-16T19:29:00.000+08:00

After seeing Suan's masterpiece, I decided to use it as a template for my own monster.

Ashish's Mom Meme

2006-07-15T18:05:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged by Ashish to do his mom meme.

Subject: Stop or My Mom Will Shoot

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'Why does this remind me of a bad Stalone Movie?' I asked myself as I walked into Rocky Fifteen.

'Because, it is a bad Stalone movie,' my inner voice told me.

'Oh, yeah! I remember the very first one in nineteen seventy six,' I said.

'Yes, and it's twenty twenty six, the fiftieth aniversary,' my inner voice told me. My inner voice was good at maths like that.

'It reminds me of that other thing,' I said.

'What other thing? You mean "Stop or my Mom will shoot"?' asked my inner voice.

'That's the one,' I replied. 'The time I was at the Police Academy and my mother was an instructor.'

'You know something else?' asked my inner voice. 'It was also the name of another stupid movie!'

'What? There's a movie called "Stop or my mom will shoot"?'

'Um ... yeah sure, but I was tlakin about Police Academy.'

'Oh yeah! You're pretty smart for a part of brain that's come lose and has a mind of it's own.'

'Aw, thanks Dabido! Big Orangutan hugs for you!'

So, my inner voice and I walked into the movie.

'GET DOWN IN FRONT!' screamed a person from the back of the cinema.' 'I'm just trying to find my seat,' I replied. Then I realised who it was. It was my mom. 'Better do as she says,' said my inner voice. 'I'm doing it already,' I replied. 'I'm not kidding you, she will shoot,' said my inner voice. 'I know she'll shoot. It's my mother too!' 'SHUT UP! AND SIT DOWN!' she screamed at me. 'Yes, mom!' *BANG* It was too late. She'd shot me in the leg. I crawled out of the cinema into the foyer. 'Is there a phone here?' I asked one of the cinema ushers. 'I'll call you an ambulance,' the usher replied. 'Oh, thanks. Much appreciated.' 'You're an ambulance!' 'Um, when you said you would call me an ambulance, I thought you meant phone one for me.' 'Oh, yeah. That might be more helpful.' So the usher phoned an ambulance. I kept dragging myself out to the street, in the hope it would be safer awy from my mother. I was wrong, she'd followed me to the street. 'Mom,' I said. 'Are you going to help me?' *BANG* Shot in the other leg. Just then the ambulance arrived ... and drove over the top of me. 'Where's the guy who's been shot?' asked the ambulance guy. 'I'm under the ambulance,' I replied. 'What are you doing under there?' the ambulance guy asked. 'You drove over the top of me.' 'Okay, I'll radio it in. Hello, base, we seem to have a guy, shot in both legs and suffering compression wounds from being run over.' 'This is base. Did you run someone over again?' 'Oh, just a little, base.' 'That's it, you're sacked!' 'Well, if that's the case, I'm going home.' And with that the guy got back in the ambulance and left ... reversing over me. 'Gees, this isn't your night,' said the usher, as a parking inspector slapped an infringement notice on my forehead for lying down in carriage way. 'Can you get me to the hospital?' I asked the usher. 'No, but I can call you a taxi,' he replied. 'That'd be nice thanks,' i said. 'Okay, you're a taxi!' 'Maybe it's the lack of blood talking, but I'm not in the mood for your jokes!' 'Jokes?' he wandered off, and back into the cinema complex.

'I guess I better just crawl to the hospital on my own,' I said to myself.

'Oh,' said my inner voice. 'I forgot to tell you. Bus!'

'Bus?'

At this point a bus drove over the top of me.

'Hey, you bus driver?' I asked.

'Who said that?' asked the bus driver.

'Me, you just ran me over! Anyway, do you go near the hospital at all?'

'Yeah, I drive right by it.'

'Good, step on the gas. I'll let go as you're driving past and crawl the rest of the way in.'

And with that, the bus drove off with me clinging to it's undercarriage. As we past the hospital, I let go and crawled the rest of the way in.

'And that Mister Doctor is how I got so injured,' I said.

'I don't know,' said the Doctor. 'It still doesn't explain the chemical burns, the harpoon or the bear trap.'

'Ah, well,' I said. 'Those things happened on the way to the cinema!'

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Rules:

1) Should be about your mom.

2) Can be anything.

3) You can tag anyone with this thing but it is not necessary.

4) You can specify what the person will write about if you are tagging him/her.

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I'm not tagging anyone. lol Grab it if you're struggling for blog content! :-)

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE FOUR]

2006-07-15T11:05:00.000+08:00

So began Clarkes decent into the dark side. Being an alien, the funny powder had a slightly different effect than it would on a human. For one thing, when he was coming down off the stuff, because he hadn't eaten in days, he got SUPERMUNCHIES! He also became extremely popular. Every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and other days, a large crowd of students from SmalleThorpe High would come over to the Clarke Farm. The fact that Clarke had ceased going to school didn't matter. The school and local police had given up trying to get him to go. Also, the local police usually avoided the area. They'd lost several police cars to 'flyin cow incidents' on numerous occassions. So it was, one Friday night, that the usual party occurred. Most of the students didn't mind the Gremlins. They'd at first thought it was the funny white powder causing them to halucinate, but after a while, most drug users begin to have trouble recognising the difference between reality and their trips. So it was, than even when not off the planet on the funny white powder, the the students began to see Gremlins as a normal part of Smallethorpes inhabitants. What Clarke had failed to notice, was the powder was starting to run low. As Clarke had just been partying hard and not tending the crops, there were no more poppies left. They'd all died. Clarke wandered into the living rom that party, and noticed some of the guys watching a strange video. 'What's that guy on the video doing trying to squash that girl?' asked Clarke naively. Harold the Gremlin had to sit him down and give him the talk. It was at this point, that Lana, (totally off her face), asked Clarke to take her upstairs to his bedroom to practice. Clarke decided to give it a try. To cut a long story short, after about fifteen seconds into the act (yes, superman is faster than a speeding bullet), Lana was seen going through the roof and across the sky, never to be seen again. [Thus explaining why Lana is not heard of in later Superman novels]. Not to worry about it though, she landed safely (with a few cuts and bruises from the wooden roof shingles) somewhere in upper Syberia. Thanks to a heavy snowfall and lots of trees, she didn't suffer from the landing. She did have a bit of a hard time explaining to the local Russian military base how she had got there, completely naked and very pregnant. She was a very popular girl after that. Nine days later, she gave birth to supertwins, but, we'll talk about that another day. Meanwhile, back in Smallethorpe, Clarke was a little confused and devestated. With the mysterious disappearance of Lana, the police could no longer ignore what has happening at the Kent Farm. It was suspected murder, but without a body (or Lana phoning from Russia), the police case couldn't come to any conclusion. The suspected Clarke, but couldn't quite place him as being with her at the time. It was at about this time, that FBI agents Fox Dabido and Elm Scully were sent to investigate. 'What have we got, Scully?' asked Dabido. 'Gremlins,' replied Scully. 'I had them once. Doctor gave me some ointment, cleaned it right up.' 'No, the farm is infested with Gremlins. Their, creatures from word war two. They used to pull planes apart.' 'What? Like in that Twilight Zone episode?' 'And the movies.' 'Which movies?' 'Gremlins, and Gremlins two,' she replied. 'Hmmm, don't think I've seen either of those. Hey look, they've got pet lizards!' 'No, Fox! Those are Gremlins!' 'Rack off,' said Harold. 'This is our farm now! Get your own place!' 'Wow, talking lizards,' said Dabido. 'Theyr'e not lizards! They're GREMLINS!' exclaimed Elm.

Deeply Insulted

2006-07-14T16:45:00.000+08:00

There has been a recent 'tiff' in the blogsphere, over a certain blogger calling another one names as she was 'mistaken' for her. Other's joined in and also critisized this poor bloggers looks. At the end of the day, I think I am the most insulted. Phrases like this were bandied about: 'ugly, fat, look like a man, flabby' Hello!!!! I am an ugly, fat flabby man!!!!! I'm also OLD!!! I have ONE up on anyone who ONLY meets the first description!!!! 'she is so insulted because I'm the ugliest blogger she has ever seen' I mean, that just completely proves they've never had the common decency to even come here and have a look! Else, they would have said that I was the ugliest blogger they'd ever seen. I'm so darn insulted! I know, some of you will try to be nice and say nice things, like, 'You're not that ugly' and 'even baboons get girl friends' and 'shut up ugly elephant face and go eat another pizza'. But, let's face it, your kind words just won't help me. I know what happened at my birth. First, the Doctor slapped me ... in the face. The nurse pointed out his mistake and he said, 'That wasn't his butt?' After the doctor got through spanking me, the nurses queued up. Even my mother got a few slaps in. When doing their rounds, a matron mistook me for an Orangutan and I was briefly shipped off to the zoo until the mistake was realised. In fact, the mistake was only recognised when the Orangutans were found cowering in the corner and wimpering. Once I was removed from the cage they returned to their normal happy ape-like selves.

My baptism wasn't much better, with both my parents, the priest, my god-parents and half the congregation pushing my head into the baptisimal font in the hope there was enough holy water to drown me. My father used to give me pluged in toasters to play with in the bath. Worst of all, was my teenage years. I was invited [out of pity mind you], to a fancy dress party. It was 'come with a date' type party and only couples were being admitted. Well, not being able to get a date, [because I was so ugly], I dropped by the local zoo and kidnapped a gorilla. I arrived at the party and pretended the gorilla was my date. I also, turned up in a gorilla costume. Well, the gorilla mixed well with the people there, and even some of the other guys hit on her a bit. I realised I was onto something. From now on, I'd only accept invitations to costume parties and could just turn up with the gorilla. Then, disaster struck. The end of the night came around, and it was time for the prizes. I won the first prize for most realistic costume. The gorilla was furious (being an actual gorilla and all) and stormed out of the party. [It grabbed the host by the leg and dragged him back to the zoo, but that's another story.] No longer would I be able to attend costume parties. I later went to the zoo in the hope I could apologies with a bunch of bananas, but alas, by the time I arrived, I only had the banana skins left. [Which explains my weight problems]. After I got there, they were still trying to get the gorilla to surrender the parties host, and as such I wasn't permitted to enter. Worse was to come. One of the orangutans escaped from the zoo, and was at Kings Park. A fellow blogger walked up to it and asked if it was me. The orangutan was understandably upset. In fact, it threw poo all over the place, and proceeded to make those raspberry noises orangutans like to make. Let's face it, sometimes people do make genuine mistakes, and even I've mistaken people for other people ... or animals ... or inanimate objects ... or imaginary things. But, before going beserk and calling people names and everything, just remember who you are really hurting. Us bloggers who are actually ugly, whom you obviously never bother to read. And after all, even if you did blog about us ugly bloggers, don't you think we already know who we are. Like, it's a little obvious when we walk down the street and little kids point and say, 'Look mommy, it's an ugly goblin!' When villagers chase after us with pitch-forks and flaming torches chanting, 'Kill the beast! Kill the Beast.' When Hollywood makes movies about our lives and call it 'Elephant Man Meets Predator'. When churches ban the use of my name, as the very thought of my face makes the congregation vomit. [Collections have never been so chunky ... though it did keep some of the homeless kitchens well supplied]. So, remember. Don't go around claiming someone else is the ugliest blogger you've ever seen, as it just proves you haven't been to enough blogs.

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE THREE]

2006-07-14T11:44:00.000+08:00

Now, having no earthly step parents, Clarke was left on his own. Well, not entirely alone. He had the cows, the gremlins and Jor-L to keep him company. Child Welfare Services [CWS] dropped by to take him to soem foster parents. The conversation went something like this: CWS Person: Hello Clarke. I'm here to take you to your new foster home. *PTTOOOOOOH* Bernadette: MOOOoooooOOOOOoooooOOOOoooooOOOOoooooo! *SPLAT* *CRUNCH* CWS Person: ARRRGH! A Cow has just broken every bone in my body. Bernadette: I'm Okay everyone. Nothing broken. I'm fine. CWS Person: Oh My Gooodnesss, I've gone delusional. I think the cow istalking to me. Gremlin 1: hee hee hee, let's set fire to the person! Gremlin 2: hee hee hee, I've got the matches. CWS Person: Oh great, now I'm halucinating little green monsters. Clarke: Bernadette, back to the barn. Guys, don't set fire to the person. Help me mount them on the front of my pick-up truck. We're going into town! And so it was, that the Child Welfare person was mounted on the front of the truck and driven around town like some poor deer which had been shot by red necks. 'Kiss my scaly green butts humans,' screamed Gremlin number one who's name happened to be Harold. Not that he's that important to the story. Clarke drove the truck around the streets of Smallethorpe, hoping it would impress some of the girls. He pulled into the drive through of the local MacGreasy's for a burger or two. 'Hey, Lana!' Clarke said into the intercom. 'I'll have two Double Greasy Burgers, a large shake and fried potato chips, because it's about time us American's learned that not all fried potatoes are friggin' FRENCH FRIES!' 'Clarke? Is that you?' asked Lana. 'I heard about the terrible accident with your parents. Are you doing Okay?' 'He's friggin' distrort girlie,' called Harold. 'Get yer nickers off and get in the back of the truck.' 'Who was that?' asked Lana shocked. 'Um! He's just some drunk biker I picked up at the local roadhouse,' said Clarke, who was trying hard to impress Lana. 'Don't listen to him. He's been drinking.' 'Clarke, I'm worried about you,' said Lana. 'Worried enough to get in the back of the truck?' asked Harold. 'Don't listen to him, Lana,' pleaded Clarke. 'Clarke, I think you're keeping your emotions bottled up,' said Lana. 'I'm worried you're going to do something stupid.' 'Don't worry, Lana,' replied Clarke. 'I'd never do anything stupid.' 'Hey, Clarke?' asked Harold. 'Want to really impress the chick? Try this white powder stuff your father used to sell.' 'White powder?' adked Clarke. 'I don't remember Jonathan selling any white powder!' 'Sure, he used to make it out that back out of those poppies he used to grow. You don't think he made money selling milk did you?' 'Hmmm, I do seem to remember a lot of poppies being grown.' And with that Clarke took a big whif of Jonathan's funny white powder.

Zidane

2006-07-14T01:04:00.000+08:00

Zidane is a great player, and I think we shoudl all help him in his quest to teach that b@$t@rd Materazzi a lesson! http://www.addictinggames.com/zidaneheadbuttgame.html

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE TWO]

2006-07-12T19:00:00.000+08:00

Bringing up Kal-L, or Karaku Kento, and he is knowing in Japan, was not easy for Jonathan and Martha. First, there was the nappy changing problems. Well, normally it wasn't the removal of the nappy that they had a problem with. Kal-l could do that easily on his own just by releasing wind. The problem was repairing holes in the roof, or walls where the nappy (if it survived) went through. Clarke's problems were many. Ordinary things just didn't seem to work for him. Like doors and walls. Often, he could tell the difference, because as a toddler, he'd just walk through them. Jonathan had to have a talk to Jor-L. He went down into the new barn (much bigger and better than the old one, and now with improved basement for holding the spaceship). 'Daggnammitty, Jor-L,' said Jonathan. 'You're going to have to give me some hints in how to bring up this kid of yours. His gas is blowing the house walls off, his pee is making holes in the roof and killing passing birds. He's worse than the daggnammity Gremlins I bought back with me from world war two. You've got to give me some hints!' 'Well, first of all, Jonathan, I think maybe making a titanium nappy to contain some of those blasts might work.' 'How, diggity dagnam, am I supposed to put a titanium nappy on the kid? There's no way to stick the safety pins in the thing!' 'Luckily, I've got the Encyclopeida Kryptonia with me. I've devised plans on exactly how to do that.' And so it was that for most of his youth, Clarke Kent was wearing Titanium nappies. They became so bulky that he began to wear them on the outside of all his clothes. Wearing underwear on the outside became a normal thing for Clarke, and even after he learned to control his bodily functions, he maintained his idosyncratic underwearing style. Of course, having been brought up on a farm with cows, Gremlins, a holographic father and weakling humans for step parents, Kal-L basically did what he wanted. There was no method to curb him, or punish him when he did wrong. The cows started giving sour milk ... which Jonathan used to corner the market in yogurt. The Gremlins cowered in fear and behaved temselves. No longer burning barns down, nor settin fire to random cows, the Gremlins had to allie themselves to Jonathan and Martha for some form of protection from Clarke. Jor-L, being no more than a holographic image residing in the spaceship, was unable to offer much help in the matter. After all, if he was there in body and spirit, he coudl possibly control the child. Alas, all that remained was his intelligence and wisdom. As we all know, eventually Martha and Jonathan died. Little is known about this, except it involved a giant pea shooter than Clarke had fashioned from a cement pipe. Being the super strong being that he was, rather than shooting peas at his class mates, Clarke would shoot cows. It was a bit of a problem getting the cows into the pea shooter to begin with, but Clarke was strong enough to do so. You can imagine the terror on his classmates faces when a much squished cow would land fair and squarely on their car windscreens. Normally there was a sort of farewarning though. Most students learned to duck when they heard the familiar sound of: Ptoooooh! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOooooooooooOOOOooooooooooooOOOooooooooooooooooooooo! SPLAT! Eventually, one of the cows, Bernardette, became so adept at being shot from the pea shooter, that she went on to have a successful Hollywood career as a stunt cow. [That's her in the picture above]. In fact, having been around Clarke so much had caused some of his super powers to rub off, due to his DNA coming off his hands when squishing her into the peashooter. The DNA infected her and began to get absorbed into her body. Some of the movies you might remember her from are - Wolverines stunt double in X-Men and X-Men2. Falling cow in Poseiden Adventure [she was in the background]. Stunt driver from Blues Brother's 2000 [Yeah, I didn't watch that one either!]. So, inspite of Clarkes obvious 'out of controlednessedlyness', there was some good that came out of Smallthorpe. Oh, getting back to the accident involving Clarkes adopted parents. Martha's last words were, 'Jonathan, look out for that cow!' and Jonathan's last words were, 'Dag diggity dagnammity dagnam, dagnammit, dagnammity!' Jonathan died the way he alwasy wanted to. With his face buried in breast ... pity it was Bernadettes, whcih isn't exactly the way he wanted to go. Being the soul survivor, Clarke inherited the entire farm, which was worth millions ... but more on that later.

R.I.P. Syd - Shine On

2006-07-12T17:52:00.000+08:00

Rest In Peace Syd. First I heard of this was when I went to Snarks website ... less than an hour ago. My first reaction, was to tell my mother. She mentioned that she'd heard it this morning and had meant to tell me. I then watched the TV news in order to see what they had to say. For those who have no idea about who I am talking about, I'm talking about Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd. Syd was an enigma. Most Pink Floyd fans know of Syd, but most of us never got to know him in any sort of intimate way, except through his music. Unlike a lot of Rock Stars who die in tragically early deaths, like plane crashes, motor vehicle accidents or drug overdoses. Syds star was taken from us in a very different way. Syd was removed from the limelight through what they've termed 'Drug burnout'. Physically, he was still here. Mentally though, he disappeared into himself. He became a recluse. After Syd's decline in 1968, many Floyd fans thought Pink Floyd would disappear and just be a footnote on the pages of Rock History. After all, Syd was the singer songwriter of the band. He wrote most of their early singles, and most of the first album, 'Piper at the Gates of Dawn'. One of his songs [Jugband Blues] appeared on the second album 'Saucereful of Secrets'. He released two Solo albums [Barrett & The Madcap Laughs], and a third album of his unreleased songs was came out [Opel], all of which I own. Anyway, it's sort of like he's been taken from us a second time.

Good News Everybody!

2006-07-12T13:53:00.000+08:00

Good News Everybody! This month started and I had ZERO work until the 31st of July for my business. THEN, I did what most people who run their own business have to do when there isn't work, I went hunting it down, like a wounded mammoth. [The work being the wounded mammoth. I just look like a mammoth, but without the wool ... whcih means I look like an elephant. So ... to imagine this correctly, visualise an elephant huntig down a wounded mammoth and you'll be able to get the idea ... or something.] :-) ANYWAT, organise the Introduction to GIMP course for later in the month. [You can check it out on my BRAND NEW COMPANY WEBSITE ... which is still pretty noob like, as I have to work on the content a LOT.] PLUS, remember I was chasing a contract with one of my clients. Well, today I just got the good news. Two month contract with them, starting MONDAY! w00t! With possible extensions for more months. It never rains but it pours. To prove it, I've had early morning phone calles everyday this week. Monday and Tuesday was from one client. Phone rang at 8:30AM this morning and I begrudgingly got out of bed thinking it was the same client. NOPE, different client. So, I gave them some freebie advice over the phone ... and spoke to a printer technician who was there and everything ... received an e-mail from them asking me to go in and look at the network to see what the problem is. So, I have some more work for tomorrow. RAINING! So, for a month which started with one days worth of work, has turned into one with at least ten days worth of work. [Plus, I've got the website up and running and ... well, I better write Parte Two of the Superman saga, else people will hunt me down like a wounded mammo... elephant!] :-)

Superman - Handbag Snatcher [PARTE ONE]

2006-07-11T10:26:00.000+08:00

So it was, in a small town called Smallethorpe in Small State USA, that a giant meteorite crashed into one Jonathan Kent's Barn. 'Daggnammit!' exclaimed Jonathan. 'I just got through paying that darn thing off! Martha, come quickly, cows have set fire to the barn again!' 'Don't be stupid Jonathan,' replied Martha. 'It's more likely those Amish down the road. You know cows can't use matches!' 'Amish are a peaceful peoples, and though I'm sure many of them are jealous of what had been my fine barn, I doubt they would do such a malicious thing.' 'That's what you said about the gremlins when they moved in, and look at how many times they've set fire to our stuff.' 'You're right, it was probably the gremlins again. I should never have bought them back with me after war world two.' 'World war two? It's nineteen thirty four!' 'What? They've changed when this happens again? I was sure this happened in the nineties last movie I saw!' Jonathan and Martha waited till the barn stopped burning and raced over to have a look. Well, when I say raced,it was a sort of amble, as old folks don't move that fast. In the middle of where the barn had been, was now a large crater. Within the crater was what looked like a spaceship. 'Daggnammit, Martha! They've dropped some big silver marble thing in the middle of my barn!' 'Don't be stupid, Jonathan! That's a spaceship.' 'Like, some of them martian type things! Oh, great! What's the bet I get eaten first.' 'Stop complaining. If you get eaten first, I'll be eaten second.' 'And look, it says "Open Other End". They daggnammity dropped it the wrong way up!' 'That's an alien language, Jonathan. You're not wearing your glasses.' At this point, a door opened on the surface of the spaceship and a small baby was seen on the inside, wrapped in red and blue clothing with a note. 'Daggmannity! There's some note there, and I don't have my glasses. How am I supposed to read that?' 'Stop complaining, Jonathan. You can't read alien languages anyway.' Suddenly, a holographic image appeared before them. It was Superman's father. 'Hi, my name is Jor-L. Yes, my last name is only a letter, even though I am an important scientists, my family is so poor we can only afford one letter or our surname. Anyay, getting to the point, I saved up all my money, and sent my only son, Kal-L away from our planet. We were doomed on our world, and as such, I needed some way to save my son. For all our technological advances, we couldn't stop the planet from becoming so poor, that everyone had to live off beans. Yes, beans. The unexpected result of this, was that the build up of methane on our world became so great, that we banned smoking, and well, anything that had an open flame. It was a disaster waiting to happen. So, I built this spacecraft and launched it into space towards your planet, that you call Earth. We know of the existence of Earth, as we've been watching your TV shows. In particular, Alf, and My Favourite Martian. Knowing how accepting you are of aliens, I decided to send my son to you. Please, look after him. Just never mention to him that the reason our planet exploded was because of his spaceship lifting off. You see, I hadn't thought it all the way through, and so when I launched the spacecraft, the planet exploded. You are probably wondering how I can tell you all that, when obviously it occured after the spaceship lifted off. Well, I implanted my consciousness into the main computer here. Thus, my mind has travelled here with all the wisdom of my planet. Well, actually, I included a copy of the Encyclopedia Kryptonica as well ... along with some copies of Krpytons version of playboy. Anyay, to make a long story short, this is my son, Kal-L, the only survivor of Krypton, due to a bean related incident we'd rather not discuss anymore. Imagine the embarrassment if our neighbouring start systems, Xenon and Argon ever found out what happened. After all, we are supposed to be the smartess sentient beings in the universe, and we go and blow ourselves to death with our own gas! Anyway, enough about that. Look, just look after the kid, and please, please, don't feed him beans!' 'Daggmannity! How am I supposed to feed an alien? I've already got cows, Gremlins and a wife to feed!' 'Jonathan, calm down. We always wanted a son.' 'Yes, but I wanted one that I could be proud of! A sort of superman. Instead, all I get is this scrawny bean eating alien, who co-incedentally looks exactly like a human!' 'I'm adopting him, and that's all there is to it, Jonathan!' And with that was born the legend of Superman. It explains his origins, how he came to be on earth, how the Kents adopted him, how the barn burnt down [important for insurance reasons] and why Carke Kent's planet was blown up.

What if Dabido was Bill Gates - Part Three

2006-07-10T19:04:00.000+08:00

1. Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine. 2. Dabido Reading Poem of Socceroos Qualifying for the world Cup 3. Wuthering Heights send up 4. Dabido and the Aliens from Mars 5. Kill Pizza (The Movie) 6. Da Vampire Code 7. Dabido goes to Japan ~~8. Dabido and the Italians~~ DONE! 9. Dabidi Holmes 10. Pride & Prejudice - The Dabido Way ~~11. What if Dabido was Bill Gates [must be more than 3 posts long].~~ DONE! 12. Dabidostein (Horror Story) 13. Superman - The handbag snatcher [a.k.a. Superman snatches Dabido's handbag] 14. Comedy post on "The World Cup According To The Mafias" or "The Italian Job - How the WC was Won" or "Ten Reasons - The Italians are always lucky in the Year of The Dog" What if Dabido was Bill Gates - Part Three Trained Soccer playing monkeys ... what more can I say. In fact, let's make them ROBOT Soccer playing monkeys, because, well, I own all the robots. In fact, let's replace most sports with robotic monkeys. Most humans would be off doing their own thing and exploring the galaxies, and having their own robotic monkey servants do allt he work. But, why stop at robotic monkeys. Let's get some other robotic animals in there too. Of course, then there is also the advanced learning techniques we will be employing in order to create super smart humans. Never again will we have to put up with idiots [and let's face it, the world is full of them]. So, we'll have a galaxy full of smarty pants! Yes, SMARTY PANTS! In fact, let's get advertising banned from almost every public place. When I walk down the road, I DON'T WANNA SEE T-Shirts with advertising, or billboards blocking my perfect view, or even those billboards in space they keep talking about. I want to see nice beaches, trees, water, rivers, streams, people enjoing themselves. NONE of these stupid "buy this now and you'll be sexy and get lots of money and people of the opposite sex"type things. After all, we'll all be filthy rich and won't need MONEY or to feel sexy (as we can have all the plastic surgury we want to LOOK darn sexy), and ... well, avertising will become obsolete anyway. Just think, advertising free TV ... wonderful! And NO SPAM!!!! What a wonderful way to start a Monday. :-)

If Dabido was Bill Gates - Part Two

2006-07-09T17:37:00.000+08:00

1. Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine. 2. Dabido Reading Poem of Socceroos Qualifying for the world Cup 3. Wuthering Heights send up 4. Dabido and the Aliens from Mars 5. Kill Pizza (The Movie) 6. Da Vampire Code 7. Dabido goes to Japan ~~8. Dabido and the Italians~~ DONE! 9. Dabidi Holmes 10. Pride & Prejudice - The Dabido Way 11. What if Dabido was Bill Gates [must be more than 3 posts long]. 12. Dabidostein (Horror Story) 13. Superman - The handbag snatcher [a.k.a. Superman snatches Dabido's handbag] What if Dabido was Bill Gates - Part Two Well, now that I've successfully got the Robot economy going, and made everyone in the world rich, my next job would be to invent the Star Trek Warp Drive. I'd get with my good mate Richard Branson and see how my money could help him and his interspace tourism thing especially in the hope of getting things to new solar systems and pour lots of money into inventing the STARGATE, named after myself of course. This would bring about new TV Series, as well as stimulating more artistic content throughout the Galaxy. In turn, I would buy up someone like FOX or another media network, or even create my own DGB [Dabido Gates Broadcasting]. This would air my rock bands own channel for free, as well as multi-national interlanguage channels for free. [Such as the DSN - Dabido Samurai Network, dedicated to playing Japanese Samurai movies and TV Series. With some emphasis on the old Kurosawa epics]. In turn, I will start to buy up other bands. I would create a stable of rockbands, my own label and build a huge starship which I will deliberately avoid naming Titanic for fear of space ice burgs. The starship will be the most luxurious ever built (as befits the worlds even richerest man .. neigh, the SOLAR SYSTEMS richerest man ... Neigh the Earth Empires richerest man) ... I will move to the spaceship and live there full time, using the GalacticNet (the galaxies answer to the internet). I will get Hugh Heffner to set me up with a Playboy bunny that he can find who has six degrees (cause I don't want dumb off-spring) and mate with her ... after all, if she's a bunny she should be able to breed like a rabbit ... right? :-) Let's face it, the galaxy will need as many Dabido Gates as possible. :-)

What if Dabido was Bill Gates - Part One

2006-07-08T19:45:00.000+08:00

The List 1. Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine. 2. Dabido Reading Poem of Socceroos Qualifying for the world Cup 3. Wuthering Heights send up 4. Dabido and the Aliens from Mars 5. Kill Pizza (The Movie) 6. Da Vampire Code 7. Dabido goes to Japan ~~8. Dabido and the Italians~~ DONE! 9. Dabidi Holmes 10. Pride & Prejudice - The Dabido Way 11. What if Dabido was Bill Gates [must be more than 3 posts long]. 12. Dabidostein (Horror Story) What if Dabido was Bill Gates - Part One Actually, this will take a lot of massaging to make it go for more than two lines. If I was Bill Gates, I'd sell everything and start my own rock band. I was wrong, I can't make it go for more than one line! Now, for the fill bits. As we all know, Young Bill G is the richest man on earth. I think one of the things he's started research on is really good. He's now started Microsoft heading down the ROBOTICS path. A lot of people don't realise what Robots can do for us, because they see them as a threat. Let's face it, if we end up with R2D2 units which seem to be able to hack anything anywhere all ur money will disappear into robotic hands ... or claws ... or whatever thay're equiped with. If we get C3P0 units that walk worse than ASIMO, then they might be good for comic relief. If we end up with robots like Giagantor, then we'll probably get stepped on while his saving the earth. If we get robots like Number 5, then let's hope another robot from Hardware blows the friggin' thing away. If we end up with Terminator type things, not one of them can speak without an Austrian Accent. 'Where is Sarah Conners?' If we end up being ruled by them , such as in Buck Rogers, then some happy geek will hack the system and make themselve the new Caligula. BUT, the real reason I applaud this, is because we have a small problem in Australia. We have heaps of factory and cleaning jobs, and no one wants to do them. We're importing people from other countries to perform these things ... but, it's not really helping. Of course,a lot of people fear that we may fall into an 'Industrial Revolution' type problem, where machines replaced jobs, and people starved. I say, legislation to make it illegal to replace people with robots should come in. That way, peoples jobs are safe, and robots will only replace empty jobs. On top of that, because the productivity of robots will cause a general increase in productivity, humans will in fact get richer. The owners of these robotic plants can then pay an extra robot tax (becasue they'll be so much richer), and can also afford to pay their workers more (most of who will be Robotic Mechanics). Let's face it, as the workers get replaced, some of them can be retrained into the positions of Robot programmers, and robot maintenance workers and some can move into design positions. The robots will actually start to create work as they go, while not removing jobs (due to the legislation). It also removes the HUMAN error in the manufacturing process. Products should become better quality. ALSO, the spin off from all of this (hopefully), will mean that similar factories can be set up in other poor countries in order to help them increase their GNP. The other major return, is that the building of Spacecraft should come down in price (yes, this will take a while). The end result being that we can easily get Space Tourism, Colonies on the Moon and Colonies on Mars quite cheaply. Humans would slowly move into more creative roles, as well as becoming atheletes or even have the ability to sit around philosophising (thinking) their way throuogh human problems. More humans can move into roles which require human contact. Large police forces and Police presence will help to decrease crime (and let's face it, with the amount the GNP has increased, who needs to steal or rob or anything). More community and philanthropic roles would help to remove poverty. People will have more time to spend with their families. The exploration of the Galaxy would start as more research money could be plowed into the ultimate search for 'Life, The Universe and Everything'. The only thing we'd have to watch out for is the stupid robots blue screening on us! :-)

Dabido and the Italians

2006-07-07T21:12:00.000+08:00

The List Continues to Grow! Hurray! 1. Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine. 2. Dabido Reading Poem of Socceroos Qualifying for the world Cup 3. Wuthering Heights send up 4. Dabido and the Aliens from Mars 5. Kill Pizza (The Movie) 6. Da Vampire Code 7. Dabido goes to Japan 8. Dabido and the Italians 9. Dabidi Holmes 10. Pride & Prejudice - The Dabido Way 11. What if Dabido was Bill Gates [must be more than 3 posts long]. 12. Dabidostein (Horror Story) Tonights Bed Time Story, No. 8 Dabido and the Italians. Actually, I like Italians. Grosso and Lippi may not be in my good books at the moment, but let's face it, most Italians are very nice people. They've brought us such things as, 'The Leaning Tower of Pizzas' [YUM], the 'Venice Lowered Motorway' [slightly flooded at the moment], and Machievalian politics. They gave us the Stiletto, the Mafia, the Coloseum and Mount Vesuvius. Now, some of you might think I'm being a little ... um ... hard on the satire or something, but lets take the last four.

1. Stilettoes - A nasty knife of sorts, but it gave us the Stiletto heal, without which I would be unable to make lots of jokes concerning women walking all over me with their stilettoes on.

Um ... okay, maybe those jokes are more to my own amusement.

2. The Mafia - without which such movies as 'The Godfather', 'Good Fellas' and 'My Cousin Vinnie' wouldn't have been made. Okay, I admit, I've never seen the last one ... but the first two were certainly excellent movies.

3. The Coloseum -

Without which the Oakland Raiders would not have a stadium to play in. Such movies as Gladiator, Sparticus, Quo Vadis and numerous Spaghetti Homoerotic gladiator movies wouldn't have been made.

Okay, maybe the last one is a little strange.

4. Mount Vesuvius - Which gave us Pompei, and as such brought us such things as Pink Floyd - Live at Pompei, the artifacts of a Pompei which opened the eyes to much of how the ancient Roman world used to live, and three Frankie Howard movies and a two TV series.

I also had a wonderful time when I was in Italy. Numerous times have I expressed my love of Firenze. Great coffee shops, wonderful gelati ice cream, numerous art galleries, Michael Angelo's sculptures, several of Leonardos works, birthplace of Donatello and Raphael, the other two ninja turtles. Let's face it, that place has everything. Many a night have I lay dreaming, while some nice lady in stilettoes walks up and down my back. Dreaming of visiting the Pitti Palace. I dream of being so famous they let me in for free to look upon the works of Titian, Correggio, Rubens and de Cortona. Taking a wiz off the Ponte Vechio into the Arno River and screaming 'Take that Grosso, you diver!!' Of course, I'd be assuming the submarine himself would be somewhere in the river there. I have no idea why I'd assume that. And of course, because I am famous, the Italians just smirk at me in a knowing way, because let's face it, all famous people are excentric and do that sort of thing. Some even offer to buy me ice cream, and a young nubile Italian Nymphette offer to give me a ride on her moped, only for me to later discover she is a cynical expatriot American Reporter, and she in turn discovers I am really a royal princess who has run away on a royal visit to Rome. Hmmmm, actually, that last sequence is reminescent of Fumiko and My trip to Rome ... only, Fumiko discovered I wasn't really a Royal Princess, and I in turn discovered she was neither cynical nor an American reporter! Well, you know how life is!

Apologies again! Sorry!

2006-07-06T21:18:00.000+08:00

I have to apologies. I recorded myself reading the Socceroos poem ... stuck a sound track in the background (as it sounded pretty noob like ... well, I just don't like the sound of my own voice ... but who does! lol) Then the stupid program did something stupid ... instead of playing back right, it just started clicking. No matter what I did, the stupid sound wouldn't work properly again! Grrrrrrr! Here is the list again. I HOPE I can have time to finish at least one of these tomorrow. 1. Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine. 2. Dabido Reading Poem of Socceroos Qualifying for the world Cup 3. Wuthering Heights send up 4. Dabido and the Aliens from Mars 5. Kill Pizza (The Movie) 6. Da Vampire Code Well, rather than leave you with this noobiest of updates, I'll do a quick Dabido Challenge using Wikipedia. Here is the article I received - Messier 77. Those not familiar with the Dabido Challenge (There are two or three sorts ... I've lost count), anyway, this one, you go to Wikipedia, click on the RANDOM ARTICLE button and write anything based on what you've pulled up. [Fiction, non-fiction, poetry, prose. essay, song ... doesn't matter ... just has to be creative!] So, here we go Messier 77: Messier77 is a galaxy that is over 60 million light years away. That means you can't get there by ferry, nor taxi. Though, if you happen to own a FTL (Faster Than Light) craft of some sort, then you can get there. Luckily, one of the buses in my neighbourhood was a FTL Greyhound and I hailed it at the local bus stop. It only comes every year or so. I was lucky to have been passing, and noticed it said "7890 - Messier77" written on the front. Most buses have something like "210 Perth" written on them or something. Having four didgets peaked my curiousity, and so I decided to ask the driver where he was going. 'Messier 77. Can't you read or something?' 'Well, of course I can read. I've just never heard of it before,' I replied. 'Of course not. It's also called NCG one zero six eight. You wanna go there? Just be sure to be back at the terminal before I leave, as we only go there once a year.' 'Sure.' So, I hopped on. 'Um, will this take long to get there?' I asked. 'Wot? You some sort of comedian. We're there already!' 'Really?' 'Yeah, took a left, a right and then ono the Albany Highway, then pressed the zoom drive thingy and we're here.' 'Oh, thanks. Before I hope off, anything I need to know about Messier seventy seven?' 'Yeah, first, it's messier than seventy six other galaxies. That's why it's messier seventy seven. Also, it's a barred spiral galaxy.' 'Really? What's it barred from?' 'Ladies toilets, most internet sites and my underpants.' 'Wow, that's a lot of barring.' 'I ain't finished. It's also barred forom anywhere that serves alcohol. You know what I mean?' 'Yeah, I guess so.' 'It's in the constelation Ceti. That's a big fat whale constelation. It's right next to the fish one.' 'The fish one? You mean pisces?' 'Yeah, da fish one.' So, there I was on Messier 77. Well, as it's a galaxy, I wasn't actually 'ON' Messier 77, I was in it. We'd stopped off on a planet in the Bedwetter system. Bedwetter 3 to be precises. I have no idea who names these planetary systems, but Bedwetter 3 had an earth like atmosphere. In it's present condition it was pristine, having no animal life. It did have a breathable atmosphere, water, plants and a MacDonalds. I stayed the night. There was a large hotel there, called the Wet Swamp. I thought it was a weird name. Anyway, it came with a water bed complete with a large plastic bedsheet on it. I wondered why it had the large plastic bedsheet, but in the morning I discovered why. Apparently, the planet has something in the atmosphere which causes peopel to wet the bed while they're sleeping. It answered the two mysteries of the large plastic bedsheet and the name of the planet. Because I'd travelled there on a whim, and didn't have a change of clothes, I had to wander around for a few hours with wet jeans on. I was fortunate to find a laundry where I washed my clothes and dried them. The laundry came equiped with large plastic baby diapers, which I was able to wear while waiting for my clothes to dry. I was pretty bored and fell asleep, so the plastic baby diapers saved me the embarrassment of needing to wash my clothes again. So, if you ever decide to go travelling to Messier 77, remember to take a change of clothes, as it's messier than you think! :-) Unfortunately, I was only able to grab one photo before I left. [The picture above]. Yeah, I forgot to pose in it. Darn it. Now I've got to wait another year before I can return to Bedwetter 3.

Psyche and Eros

2006-07-05T23:23:00.000+08:00

Much thanks to Irene. She's agreed to host my Psyche and Eros PDF file. For those who haven't read the story, I've created a Psyche and Eros button (Below). So, click on the button OR the picture and you should be able to grab yourself a copy of the file. And I bet you were wondering what I've been doing all night! :-) Well, now you know. The big picture looks a lot better in GIMP (where I created it), and lost a little in the translation to GIF format. Apologies for the lack of updates. I hope the art work more than makes up for it. [No, I didn't create the Psyche and Eros painting in the middle of the button. It's in public domain and is calledThe Abduction of Psyche by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. I just did a lot of messing around to make it look like it was encased in a glass button of sorts. I have to work on this a little more.]

Alien Pic

2006-07-04T21:39:00.000+08:00

Sorry, this is a bit of a cop out of an up date. I just made an alien out of one of my friends Pics ... I won't say who she is .. I just wanted something naughty to do ... lol Believe me, in real life she's such a cutie ... but looking at this photo of her, she looks like a mean alien. Maybe, even an alien from Mars. lol This other image was one of my rejected images for my new background (if it ever gets finished). lol

Poem about Socceroo's Qualifying ;-)

2006-07-04T00:01:00.000+08:00

I changed the tee vee station, To the beating of my heart, Because the soccer game was just about to start.

It was early in the morning, It was about half past one, To go to bed would mean I would miss the fun.

For it wasn't any game, This one was to qualify, The Socceroos playing against Uruguay.

The match was drawn at fulltime, And up went the Aussie shout, When Aloisi won the penalty shoot out.

Earlier in the season, The Aussies scored a huge fill, Thirty one to American Samoa's nil*¹.

The competition was set, For the Aussies group match round, The Socceroos too good, the Japanese team found.

Then came the Brazilians, With a half time deadlock set, Till Adriano's kick put the ball in the net.

The Aussies kept on fighting, They just would not lie down dead, Till the final minute goal by substitute Fred.

Still with a last game to go, Croatia held them to a draw, Though most would say because the refereeing was poor.

Into the round of sixteen, Went the valiant Aussie men, Though a Grosso dive would rob them with bad ref-in'.

So it is the Aussies, Made their nation very proud, They proved the point we can play soccer when we're allowed.

*¹still the world record for a World Cup Qualifier. That's a little more than a goal every three minutes!

Reminder to self.

2006-07-03T22:43:00.000+08:00

First of all, I had spaghetti for tea. Yes, it's Italian food. Darn! lol Not my fault, my mother decided to cook for all of us ... and spaghetti was it. Here is the current list of things to blog on. Remind me if I've forgotten anything or give me some more things to write about if you want to add to the list.

Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine.
Poem of Socceroos Qualifying for the world Cup
Wuthering Heights send up
Dabido and the Aliens from Mars
Kill Pizza (The Movie)

Oh, and that contract is looking good at present [had a phone call regarding it today!] w00t! I hope I get it ... three months of regular income! :-)

Blur - Freedom of Speeeeeech - Gender Gap

2006-07-03T18:12:00.000+08:00

Some days I get a bit blur with some of the blogs I read. Let's face it, I normally open about ten to twenty of them at once and flit between them Read bit of one, bit of another ... then another bit, then a different bit from a different blog. Let's face it, most people can't do this, as they'd get totally confused as to what the frig is happening. As it stands, I sometimes blur some bloggers together. Not the story, not the post content ... the bloggers. Which means I'm reading one persons post, then another, then another ... and I have to check to see who I am reading. If you were to stick together the posts I'm reading in the order my brain is receiving them you'd probably believe that they recently were in Bangkok at an art exhibition, playing soccer for Argentina, while cooking up a storm based on the latest Sci Fi book they watched at a movie in a food court somewhere while vegeing out in front of a TV on a motorcycle with their BF/GF problems and wondering what their life is all about. Yet, my brain can handle that quite easily. It's just that sometimes I confuse myself as to who said what. Not that it really matters. By the time I comment, my brain already knows what's been happening, and I've normally worked out who I'm speaking to.

******

Freedom of speech. Where does it start? Where does it stop? What about when someone is talking complete crap? Well, this week on Big Brother (a TV Show I loath and can't understand WHY anyone would watch), they had an incident where two of the flatmates have apparently broken the rules and as such been thrown out of the house. So, fine, they broke the rules, they're OUT! OUT! OUT! Only, people who don't like the show are calling for it to be banned. Even the PM has waded in and said it should be removed. What were/was their/his reasons? Well, first of all, they don't like the show! Well, tough. I don't like the show either. BUT, that isn't a good enough reason for banning it. Let's face it, if it hasn't broken any of the laws or rules regarding what can and can't go on TV, then that's not a good enough reason to ban it. The call to ban it is akin to removing someone's freedom of speech. What if we banned all shows the PM doesn't like? So, the PM has a right to decide what should be considered good viewing? I'm sorry, but if that's the case, we won't vote for a politician in future, we'll vote for a friggin' TV/Movie critic. The other reason they're making the claim is that the show can't self regulate itself ... the proof being that it kicked out two members who broke the rules! Sorry, but that's amongst the stupidist arguments I've ever heard. The proof that IT CAN ENFORCE it's own rules makes this arguement contradictory. Someone breached the rules - the TV Network took action and DID REGULATE ITSELF. The incident HAS NOT been shown on TV ... therefore, why ban a show for NOT SHOWING a CONTROVERSIAL INCIDENT THAT it's critics say shouldn't be shown on TV! THEY DIDN'T FRIGGIN' SHOW IT!!!! It's like banning actors for things they did off screen just because they broke the rules here or there. I mean, let's just ban the world cup because Grosso took a dive ... no? Why not? It's what you're calling for Big Brother to do. Let's ban all movies with Tim Allen in ... why? Because when he was younger he broke the law! It's your rules. Let's just ban all actors who have ever looked remotely sexy, after all, they've probably broken some rule somewhere!!! Like, it's time the PM and other people got a grip on themselves. [No, not agrip down there, that'd get us banned!] It's a REALITY TV SHOW. Yes, it's a load of crap. I don't know who watches it either, but it will run out of steam on it's own and it'll lose audience attraction and disappear into nothingness. As it stands, banning it is akin to censorship and a breach of the networks freedom of speech ... and all over something that DIDN'T FRIGGIN' APPEAR ON TV! If you don't like the show, then do what a normal person would do. Rather than calling for it to be banned, either turn the TV OVER or TURN IT OFF!! Not only is calling for it's ban stupid, it's counter productive. You've now raised it in the public conscious and more people than ever will tune in to see why it's so controversial that it needs ot be banned.

*****

On another TV thing, Sixty Minutes ran a show on a guy who wrote a book called: Please Just F--- Off. It's Our Turn Now. The guy, a Ryan Heath, is a Gen Y'er. Once again the generation war is screwing us poor cynical gen-x'ers. [And they wonder why we're cynical!] This battle is between the Generation-Y's and the Baby Boomers. Basically those born after 1976, and those born between 1945 and 1964. [Yeah, if you were born between 1965 and 1975, you're a poor Gen X'er.] Anyway, it's like watching two very similar people argue. Both generations are basically, self centred (to quote the Baby Boomers, 'The world revolves around us, and has done so for the last 30 to 40 years!'). The Gen Y'ers thik they should be in control of everything. There are some good points on both side of the arguement. Gen Y haven't really got the battle scars of hard times and haven't earned the right to lead. The Baby Boomers ahve lead for the last 30 to 40 years and have basically screwed a lot of things up for the coming generations. Let's face it, it was the Baby Boomers who basically said that the worlds woes are not their problem, as they won't be here much longer. Therefore, why should they care? Now, us Gen X-ers are the meet in the sandwich. The problem is, the Baby Boomers think they've earned everything they've got. They grew up with the prosperity of the post war boom times. They had a nice foot hold on the world. It doesn't mean it was easy. But, the Gen Y'ers have a similar foothold. They've grown up in boom times too, without a recession, without high unemployment figures. The poor forgotten Gen X-ers ... well, we had to start working when loans were 18%, unemployment was 12% and we've done it tough. It's easy to forget us. We're the ones doing most of the hard work now-a-days. The Baby Boomers are retiring [and good luck to them], while the Gen Y'ers want to kick them out of the house (pull the plug on them ... let's hope their Grandparents haven't given them right of attorney). So, with the Baby Boomers reluctant to hand over control (in case someone pulls the plug) and Gen Y trying to pull the plug on anyone born before 1976 ... where does that leave Gen X? We have to inherit the Baby Boomers mistakes, the very things the Gen Y'ers are complaining about. Only, the Gen Y'ers want all the wealth, and the jobs and control, and they want it now. Yet, to a Gen X-er like myself, they're values are almost exactly the same. They're both two selfish groups trying to fight for the same bone. Gen Y is now telling the Baby Booomers to F*** off, the same way the Baby Boomers told the previous generation to F-f-f-f-f-f fade away. In all the fracas though, I haven't heard one genuine idea from either of those two generations as to how to make things better for everyone. Baby Boomers look after their own, and Gen Y want to take it from everyone else. As far as I am concerned, both generations can go F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f themselves. :-)

Stop Upsetting me!!! lol :-)

2006-07-02T15:45:00.000+08:00

Darn it. Guess I'm going for Germany now. Now that England has lost, all World Cup events have been banned in our house thanks to my mother. Personally, I don't think Portugal have a chance against France. France had a shocking start to this cup, and have now come into form in a BIG way. Australia - OUT, Dabido picks England ... England - OUT, Dabido picks Brazil ... Brazil - OUT, I'm running out of team here guys!!! lol Dabido picks Germany! Why? Does he think they're good? Does he think they'll win. NO, I just picked them as they're playing against Italy! lol If I had to put money on who will win the world cup, I'd chose France at this stage. They've found form, they're playing well. They're playing like they look on paper. But, I seem to have this major problem ... my teams keep dying dogs deaths. Yeah sure, Australia were robbed of the chance ... that's what's basically turned me anti-Italy, otherwise I might have gone for them. But to get the world cup and an academy award for diving is too much for me. Anywat, Germany is now my team ... or maybe France or Portugal depending on what happens next! lol

*****

My mother was pretty upset ... as you can gather. Anyway, I hate it when it gets taken out on me. We decided to play the Sunday Scrabble game ... yeah, I won as per normal. Anywat, my mother and brother normally sit there looking up words in the dictionary all through the game. I asked them if I may look up a word, and my brother Jeff started on how I was cheating, and my mother started on her justification to why she looks things up in the dictionary. So, I argued against my brother Jeff regarding it being cheating, as his nose is buried in the dictionary all the time. Then, for some reason my mother started accussing ME of claiming that she was cheating! FRIG! So, I then had to argue against that ... and then she was telling me off for arguing against Jeff, and arguing against her ... All I friggin' asked was if they'd let me look up a word like they do!!! FRIG! Anywat, it basically peed me off. I won the arguments, as I pointed out the fact that they'd both tried to twist everything. Doesn't matter, I did my speaking on the scrabble board!!!

*****

My mother also keeps telling me off for drinking those new age drinks. She says they're not healthy. What have they got in them? Well, this one has Ginger, Gotu Kola, Ginseng, Ginko Biloba, Grape seed, Guarana and Green Tea extract. As I told my mother, these things are suposedly GOOD for people, not BAD! So, what do these things supposedly do? Ginger - Good for stomach problems (and works for me to combat sea sickness) Gotu Kola - evidence shows it helps many circulation and skin problems, and early tests show it's good for the brain and endocrine glands. Ginseng - good against stress, fights cancer and good for dieting. Ginkgo Biloba - improvement in circulation, anti-oxidant, good for respiratory and cardiac. Grape Seeds -Great anti-oxidants and lowers cholesterol. Guarana - Good for fat reduction, anti-oxidant, possible good for cognigative functions etc Green Tea - cognition, treatin arthritis, cancer etc plus more ... and more ... BUT, my mother is always on about how bad these drinks are for me! Grrrrr! It must be upset Dabido day! I BLAME ITALIA! [Yes, I'm still blaming them for everything. I think I have a good month left where I can safely blame them without anyone questioning the logic behind that decision!] :-)

Where are you from?

2006-07-01T13:17:00.000+08:00

I was just checking out some of the stats and referals to my site. Actually, I seldom do this, but thought I would today just as a bit of curiousity. Where do those 50 people come from everyday to see my site? Let's start with the mention of one weird referal. Google sent someone here after they typed in 'castrate rob lowe'. There were a few other weird referals, but I think that one was weirdest of the bunch today. So, where have the last 100 visitors come from to this site? [Alphabetical order]. Australia 3 (though I am sure one of them was me! The other two were from NSW and Qld respectively) Canada 3 Germany 1 Ireland 1 Japan 2 Lebanon 1 Malaysia 31 Philipines 1 Poland 1 Singapore 14 South Africa 1 United Kingdom 7 United States of America 18 Unknown 16 So, the main readers are from Malaysia, United States, Unknown Country and Singapore. Thank you all. Please, come again! :-)

Apologies - Bandwidth Exceeded

2006-07-01T12:07:00.000+08:00

My Apologies to those who have tried to download the 'Psyche and Eros' story and have had a Bandwidth exceeded error. I just received an e-mail stating that my monthly bandwidth on the site that was hosting the PDF file was exceeded. [In fact, it was exceeded by five times my allowed bandwidth]. So the hosting service shut the website down. So hopefully, within the next month, the website will be back up for people to exceed the bandwidth again. In the meantime I'll look for somewhere else that might be able to host the PDF file for free. Sorry.

Public Service Exam

2006-06-30T16:42:00.000+08:00

Today I received a phone call. One of my clients wants to stick me on contract, but, I have to prove that I did the public service exam. One problem, I did the public service exam in 1992. Plus, I did it in SYDNEY. This leaves me with a bit of a stupid problem. Would the public service still have records of my exam? If so, would they release them? I've sent an e-mail off to them, but whether or not they'll send anything back, I'm not sure. I'll tell you a little bit about the results though. The exam was designed so that it was impossible to finish any section of it. [Yes, Impossible]. It was out of five hundred in those days, with five sections each worth one hundred. I received my results, which put my score at 356. I spoke to one of my public service friends about it (as I thought it was a low score). He told me, no, as it's designed to be impossible to finihs, a 356 was quite a high score, and most people he knew in the public service had marks in the two hundred. I knew it was high, when I was offered a position at the Sydney Law Courts. Only one problem, and one non-problem stopped me accepting the position. Problem - when the offer arrived, it arrived AFTER the last date I could accept the position by. That is, it arrived a week AFTER I could accept the position. So, the possibility of saying 'Yes' to the position had been removed from me. The Non Problem - I probably could have phoned and complained like crazy about the incompetence of sending me an offer for a position AFTER the date I could accept it had expired, BUT I didn't. This was because the same day it arrived I had accepted a position as a graphic designer. Along with the fact that I REALLY wanted to do Graphic Design, it was also for $3000 more than the law courts offer. Of course, a year later I would kick myself for that decision. This was for two reasons:

First, the company I worked for ended up outsourcing the Graphic Design position (I had basically replaced four graphic designers. All of them resigned as the companies plan was to eventually do away with the graphic design department, and gthey left for other positions).
Second, in three years I didn't get a pay rise. The company I was working for was basically struggling financially, and as such had no money for the workers.

So, if I had of phoned the public service, abused them and fought for the Law Court position, I could have had a nice career path, along with pay rises, and with in a few years probably would have been earning more than I knew what to do with. I've had numerous friends who have worked in the public service. The thing I've learnt about it is, it is very hard to get fired from the public service. So, yes, all those stories you hear about lazy people who never do their job and sit around talking all the time ... well, they do exist in the service. The other thing I learned, was if you are a good worker and you do put in the time and effort, you do in fact go up in the public service. That's right, there are some peopel who do really work in public service departments. As my friends kept assuring me, lazy non-workers stay in the low paid, little responsibilty jobs. Good hard workers rise through the ranks and get to high levels and make big cash. Now, I could cry over spilt milk, but at the time I made the decision it was a no brainer. I didn't know the companies financial problems (and as such zero pay rise prospects), I also didn't know the graphic design position would be only for a year. So, i did make the best choice at the time based on the facts I had at my disposal, and you never know, even if I complained to the public service about the Law Courts job, it's still possible they wouldn't have given it to me. So, lets hope I can get a copy of my public service exam results. I'd like to have this nice contract.

Stupid Man Returns?

2006-06-29T15:33:00.000+08:00

With the Superman Returns movie and Spiderman 3 about to be released, some are wondering whatever happened to Stupidman. Actually, I don't rememebr if I called him Stupidman or Bakaman! Eitherway, I've forgotten where I left the story on my blog, or even if I wrote it for someone elses blog! Now, who is the stupid baka man after all? [Stop pointing at me, the question was retorical!] :-) Even though, in the last episode he leapt out of a building and his superhero power of not being able to fly killed him dead. Actually, it was the ground ... come to think of it, he survived the fall and was hit by a bus! Anywat, I'm sure we can revive him, exactly the same way DC comics brought Superman back from the dead. Let's face it, when DC comics killed Superman off, I thought it was a good idea. Not because I hated Superman, but lets face it, every story has a beginning, a middle part and an end. Superman was created ... well, a long time before I was born, in 1932. As his superheroism starts from then, he was obviously at least 20 years old (or older thanks to Relativity and his travel form a distant star). So today he'd be about 94 earth years old or older. Let's get to the point, they guy might have some ailments associated with older people. 'Lois! We'd I leave my cape?' 'Where's my tigerbalm?' 'Alzheimers? I don't remember contracting that!' 'Why won't this wheelchair fly?' At least with X-Men we have a progression along the way (at least in the comics), where some of them are from the future after Wolverine and the rest have died off. Of course, I have a slight problem with Stupidman. I killed him off in the first episode! Darn you Stupidman!!! Why weren't you smart enough to stay alive? Oh, that's right, you were STUPID! :-)

The Hobbit - Part Five

2006-06-28T16:51:00.000+08:00

The Elf took them back to the Elven city, which was by a huge river. They were forced to become drinks waiters, and strippers at hens nights.

'This is humiliating,' said Doc. 'Isn't there a way out of here?'

'I have a plan,' said Bilbo. 'Start to put the empty kegs over by the window near the river. When we're ready, we'll all climb into a barrel and I'll push you all into the river.'

'Better explain it all to Dopehead again,' said Doc. 'He's over there striping, and I think he's down to his last G-string.'

Bilbo explained the plan to Dopehead.

'Push off,' said Dopehead. 'I'm finally doing what I've wanted to do all my life, and getting lots of women.'

'If you don't come,' said Bilbo. 'I'll tell them about the time you slept with Happy Being Homo. Then they'll think you're disease ridden.'

'Okay,' said Dopehead. 'I'll help you escape, but as soon as the casino caper is over, I'm coming back here! Now, get off my lap and let the Elven lady sit there!'

So it was, that once four barrels were accumulated, the three dwarves and Bilbo placed them near the window.

'On the count of three,' said Bilbo. 'One, two, three.'

Bilbo and the dwarves leapt into the barrels, while Dopehead kicked them off the window. He then threw his own barrel into the river and leapt in after it. Unfortunately, being a bad swimmer, Dopehead didn't make it to his barrel and drowned.

So it was, that Doc, Bilbo and the thirteenth dwarf drifted into Laketown. A strange name for a town located on a river.

They then made their way to the Lonely Mountain, where they camped for the night by a big sign which read, 'SECRET DOOR'.

'How are we going to get into Smaug's lair?' asked Doc.

'I'm not sure where I read it, but I think there is a secret door near here,' replied Bilbo.

'Really? I read the same thing somewhere, but I just can't put my finger on where.' said Doc.

Suddenly, there was a slight earth tremor, and the huge sign fell on Doc.

'Of course,' said Bilbo. 'That's where I saw it. On the sign!'

Bilbo followed the yellow brick path and signs which lead up the mountain to a huge neon flashing sign, with 'Below is the secret door' written on it. Bilbo walked up, turned the handle and entered.

Bilbo arrived down in Smaug's lair, and placed the ring on his finger. He stealthily crept up to where Smaug was sleeping on his pile of gold, jewels and bones. Bilbo noticed a huge tattoo on Smaug's underbelly. It was in the shape of a large ringed target, the likes as seen on archery fields. There was a huge arrow on the tattoo and the words, 'Don't shoot here, it might kill me'.

Realising that if he awoke Smaug and the people of Laketown get to kill Smaug he might lose the treasure, Bilbo just stabbed the dragon there and then.

That's right, no fire breathing dragon getting shot by some Bard the Bowman, no great big wars, nothing like that at all.

Bilbo went back outside to get the thirteenth dwarf. After all, they had come through quite a lot together and Bilbo was generous enough to share. Alas, as he arrived at the entrance to the secret door, there sat Gollum chewing on some Dwarf bones.

'Hmm, my precious. Yummy roast dwarf. Hmmmm.'

Bilbo walked up behind Gollum, who couldn't see him as he was invisible, and stabbed him in the back and threw him down the mountain.

With the Dragons treasure horded, Bilbo was able to buy the best house in the shire, along with numerous farms and naked dance girls. He paid off his credit card bills. He used the dragon scales from Smaug to set up an armoury shop and sold off the dragon meat to all who could afford it.

He used the ring to secure insider trading tips to amass an even greater fortune on the stock exchange and became so rich he paid someone to write a propaganda piece called 'The Hobbit: There and Back Again', which made him look so completely innocent of the murder of Gollum, Smaug and the complete lack of feeling towards his travelling companions, that everyone thought highly of him.

The sad thing being, he never did learn the name of that thirteenth dwarf.

More on the Football Saga

2006-06-28T13:28:00.000+08:00

I'm happy for some more reasons today. First, FIFA have said the penalty was very dubious. Seems like everyone in the world is pretty much in agreement with the exception of a few Italian fans, Lippi and Grosso. I think this is all Australia really wanted, an acknowledgement that we'd been hard done by. Second, FIFA raised the Socceroos ranking from 42nd to 15th in the world. w00t! We rock! [I think we were ranked 44th at the start of the tournament] Third, they released footage of the Italians training where they were practicing taking dives. Like, anyone want to try to claim they don't practice that sort of stuff now? lol Apparently, Lucas Neil is still pretty upset by the entire thing. Inconsolable is the word the media keep using. I feel sorry for him. It's not his fault, he has nothing to be ashamed of and he's a damn fine defender. He did nothing wrong. I guess he has to go through the greiving phase in his own time. I wish there was some way to implant that in his brain. 'NOT YOUR FAULT, DUDE!' Would it have been possible for Australia to have won the match? Well, I've already stated that I think it would have gone to a penalty shoot out. There is one thing though, Lippi had used all his substitutes. He had run out of options, where as Guus still had two substitutes to use, and still had Kennedy and others on the bench to use. Tim Cahill thinks we would have won it in extra time. Knowing Guus, it's highly possible. Anyway, I'm just happy the world knows the truth, and the Socceroos have finally got the recognition and respect they deserve.

Aussie NIL, Italy NIL, Referee MINUS THREE

2006-06-27T16:52:00.000+08:00

Well, I was going to avoid blogging about this ... but why not. It seems there is more uproar in the world than I thought would happen. I am pretty stoic about this, as most Aussies are. I think the only time we get annoyed is when someone tries to justify the decision as it's obvious they're not being very impartial. Controversy is not uncommon at World Cups. So, Australia losing to an obvious dive shouldn't surprise anyone. There were obviously going to be bad decisions. Let's face it though, when Australia plays, the decisions are mostly against Australia. Some Italian fans have tried to justify it, and others have watched it and just plain admitted it was a dive. Don't believe me? This is what Grosso claimed happened: "I tried to avoid contact, I got past one defender but then my leg got stuck in between the other defender's legs and I had no option but to go down." Funny thing was, he wasn't anywhere NEAR Lucas Neil's legs. In fact, his leg didn't get stuck anywhere. A lot of people are questioning if there was any contact at all ... if there was, it was pretty minimal. When asked about it, apparently Lippi, rather than give a direct answer, asked if anyone doubted it was a penalty. The room full of Italian and Australian press apparently murmured to each other ... to answer Lippi's question, the rest of the world, including a lot of Italian supports say, 'There is nothing to doubt, as it was plainly NOT a penalty'. Anyway, it's obvious from Lippi's response that he didn't want to answer the question directly. He knows it wasn't a penalty. As for everyone else, I've read newspapers form other countries and I've heard the comments of other coaches/soccer analysts etc from countries and it seems pretty unanimous that it wasn't a penalty. Still, Australia might have been hard done by, but, like I said, most of us are being stoic about it. Though Melbourne was filled with the chanting of 'B*llsh*t! B*llsh*t!' last night, the chanting will not change the decision. The first thing I did this morning was contact one of my friends who is a HUGE Italia fan, and congratulate her on the fact her team is going through to the next round. You see, we're not upset at the Italians, nor the Italian fans. She later contacted me to give her commiserations. She wasn't happy with the way Italy had made it through. After all, she still believed Italy could have won ligitimately in extra time or with the penalty shoot out. Of course, a lot of other people are not as optimistic as she was. Extra time probably would have resulted in a 0-0 draw. If it went to penalties, well, Italy has a 4-5 record of losing those in world cups. I think if Italy had of won the extra time or even the shoot out, then Australia would have been happy. At present, we're bascially sad, angry and a gamut of other emotions. People keep pointing to the Materazzi send off as some sort of justification for the penalty. Like it was some sort of retribution being reaped on Australia for ... what? The yellow carding of Tim Cahill one minute earlier instead of Materazzi probably was more of the cause, as the Referee obviously chose the wrong person to yellow card. Watching the match, you get to the 49th minute, and you can clearly see that Materazzi came from behind Cahill, and leapt into him. He even bent his neck in Cahills direction in order to deliberately head butt Cahill. A definite yellow carding for Materazzi that he got away with. So, 49th minute, Minus one to the referee, still nill all to Australia and Italy. 5oth minute, the referee red cards Materazzi in what would normally have been a yellow carding offence. He obviously sent him off to make up for his earlier mistake of yellow cardin Cahill ... still, another minus one to the referee. 95th minute. [Officially 8 seconds from the end of the match], Grosso takes a dive in the box and is rewarded. Another Minus one to the referee. Official score Minus Three Luis Medina Cantalejo, Australia Nil, Italy Nil. As said in newspapers around the world, it's Grosso who should have been given a yellow card, and the Australians a free kick ... but, alas, not so. First thing I did after congratulatin my friend (The HUGE Italy fan), was to check the reaction from the rest of the world. I knew my opinion, I knew Australia's opinion. I even knew the opinion of many peopel from around the globe who were not Australian supports (such as the English commentator, and some foreign soccer analysts), but what was the reaction in the press. I was happy to report most of them felt the same way. Really, FIFA keep bringing the game into disrepute. They don't have a method of overturning bad decisions. Acutally, many years ago, I stopped playing soccer for exactly that reason. There were some methods of disputing some match results, but normally, regardless of how bias, a ref is, or how bad they are (let's face it, they're human and make mistakes), a referees decision will always stand. I'll bring up two little stories from my childhood, both of whcih broke my heart a little, even though in one decision I was on the winning side.

*****

FIRST: Perth, Australia, Under Eights side: We were winning the league. We were in the middle of a game (and I can't remember who we were playing against). We had a big problem. The referee (as in most junior matches) was the father of one of the other teams players. This guy was ULTRA BIASED. He was forever giving them free kicks, and all sorts of other things. In spite of this, my side scored! BANG! Yes, we had beaten the other side and the referee and actually put it in the back of the net. ONE NIL! About a mintue or two from full time, the guy suddenly gave his team a penalty. The question was asked WHY??? He just said, 'Don't argue with the referee!' Anyway, his team now had a penalty they didn't deserve. The striker ran up, kicked the ball, and miraculously our keeper SAVED THE BALL!!!! Yes, he stopped it going into the goal! Then, something which will remain in my memory for the rest of my life happened! Even though the ball had NEVER crossed the line, the referee awarded a GOAL!!! WHAT???? Yes, a goal!!!!! It was now 1-1. Our coach was furious. There was an uproar from our sides parents ... but the other side didn't care! Result, we drew. There is a happy ending though. We were able to contest the match result. A report was place into the soccer association and a rematch was scheduled. With an impartial referee we beat them two nil. YEah!

*****

Second, Adelaide, Australia. Year Nine (I think I was 14): My team was playing in the inter-school sports carnival. Our soccer team (which I was a memeber of) played quite well, and we got to the final. We were playing against the team from Elizabeth West. Really, it was a difficult match, and neither team looked likely to score. One of the teachers from my school was refereeing the match (how that happened I'd never know. You'd think they'd use someone impartial). Anyway, about ten minutes from time, the ball was kicked, and was bouncing towards the Elizabeth West goalkeeper. Not a difficult save at all. He grabbed it, and suddenly the whistle blew. Penalty! WHAT? Yes, our teacher had given our side a penalty ... what for? He never said. Not one word. So, our team took the penalty. Scored! We ended up winning the match ONE NIL. As I knew the the penalty was unfounded, I went and apologised to the other team afterwards. Their basic attitude to me was, 'Go get bent.' I also tried to get the players on my team to admit we didn't deserve the penalty. Not one of them knew WHY we were awarded a penalty. In fact, their general attitude was, 'Who cares, we won!' I then went and complained to some of the other teachers who basically didn't want to know about it. End result, my team won by the referee cheating! This time there was no way the other team could appeal. I was pretty upset when they hailed the school soccer team as heroes. Let's face it, we weren't, and no one really cared. I wonder if the other team grew up to be bitter old men!

*****

Anyway, FIFA and soccer in general needs to have some sort of appeals committee. There has to be some way to undo the istakes the referees make. In Australian rules they can do it. They recently had a result where the full time siren sounded, and the Fremantle Dockers stopped playing thinking they'd won. The referee however awarded a free kick to the other team (even though the Dockers were walking off the field) and the other team scored, making them the winners. Of course, there was uproar. Not just from Dockers supporteres, but from many other clubs. Result, the AFL reviewed the decision and awarded it to the Dockers.

*****

With the technology we have today, I'm surprised more Video referees aren't used in more sports and I'm surprised they're not developing computer systems in order to help with the decision making. With the video evidence we have, it's obvious that Grosso took a dive. His version of getting his foot caught in Neil's legs is so obviously a pack of piled elephant dung that it isn't funny. Anyway, some points I think Australia can be happy about.

We're no longer going to be treated with disrespect as a soccer nation.
Neil and others will be getting good soccer positions with clubs such as Barcelona.
We no longer have the most difficult path to the world cup, we'll be playing in the Asian group from now on.
The whole world witnessed what happened, so they know we were hard done by.
We'll be coming back stronger than ever.
World class coaches are queueing up in order to coach our team.

I think most of us are happy we can honestly say we didn't lose to Italy.

Hobbit - Part Four

2006-06-27T14:05:00.000+08:00

'Thanks Bilbo,' said Doc. 'You saved us from those awful Goblins.'

'They weren't that bad,' said Happy Being Homo.

'Well, look who got all the attention,' said Homo.

'Bitch,' replied Happy Being Homo.

'Slut,' replied Homo.

'Now calm down the two of you,' said Gandalf. 'We have to make it through this forest and to the Lonely Mountain if we want to do this Casino thing.'

The two dwarves started bitch slapping each other. Gandalf, Bilbo and the other three dwarves wandered off. They were too far away to hear the Ent trip and fall on their two companions. The two lay dying, crushed beneath the Ent.

'Homo,' said Happy Being Homo. 'I have something to confess.'

'Really? What is it?' asked Homo.

'Remember your boyfriend Gloin.'

'Yes, of course I remember him.'

'I slept with him.'

'You bitch, if I wasn't dying beneath this Ent, I'd bitch slap you even more.'

'There's more.'

'More?'

'Yes, remember your boyfriend Thorin?'

'Not him too?'

'Yes, and Oakenshield, Óin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fíli and Kíli, Dori, Nori, and Ori.'

'All of them?'

'There's more.'

'More?'

'Yeah, that party you threw with three hundred guest.'

'Which one did you sleep with?'

'All of them.'

'All of them?'

'Well, and the pizza delivery boy, the caterer, the waiter, waitress, bar staff, even that lesbian who gate crashed!'

'The Lesbian?'

'You don't have a problem with that do you?'

'You slept with a lesbian? That's so ... gay!'

At that point, they both died. Happy Being Homo never did quite finish his confession, which also included, the Senate of an unnamed country, a Professional French Soccer team (but we will not name them either), a ballet school, the cast of several top Hollywood soaps, and most of Mordor, Gondor, and some places that don't even appear on the maps of middle earth. Let's face it, if you lived in Middle Earth and you contracted a sexually transmitted disease, it's most likely you caught it from Happy Being Homo. The guy justs never used protection. The moral being, be safe, practice safe sex.

Meanwhile, the rest of the party were stuck up a tree as they were being attacked by Wargs.

'Gandalf, how do we get rid of them?' asked Doc.

'How the frig should I know? I'm a loans officer, not a friggin' Wizard!'

It was luck for Gandalf that a large amount of Great Eagles descended and saved them.

'Where are they taking us?' asked Bilbo.

'To their nests,' said Gandalf. 'Great Eagles love to eat dwarves, humans hobbits.'

'Really? How are we going to save ourselves from them?' asked Bilbo.

'Us?' asked Gandalf as he cut through the talon of the great eagle he was under and parachuted to safety.

'Bugger,' said Dopehead. 'Hope they don't mind that the rest of us have bird flu.'

'Bird flu?' asked one of the great eagles.

'Yeah,' said Dopehead. 'Better take us over to that clearing, else I'll hang on and sneeze all over you.'

Hearing that, the great eagles landed safely and placed the hobbit and dwarves safely on the ground.

'Hello,' said a strange man. 'My name is Beorn. I can sing Abba songs and turn into a bear.'

'I'm amazed,' said Dopehead.

'Amazed at what/ The fact I can sing Abba or the fact I can turn into a bear?'

'No, the fact that you admit to singing Abba. Everyman and his dog can turn into a bear.'

With that, the dwarves and Bilbo entered the forest of Mirkmirk. Not having a friggin' idea where there were heading they soon found themselves completely lost.

'Where are we?' asked Bilbo.

'I think we're completely lost,' replied Doc.

'You bet your panties your completely lost,' said a Spider with an M-16 in one of it's legs.

'Who are you?' asked Doc.

'We're the Communistic Guerilla Spiders!' said another spider dropping from the tree above. 'We are in charge of this here forest, and we're going to hold you ransom till some wealthy capitalist pays millions for your release.'

'Millions? For us?' said Bilbo. 'You're kidding aren't you?'

'Shut up,' said Doc. 'They'll kill us now if they know we're all broke.'

'You're broke?' asked a Spider.

'Not me,' said Dopehead. 'My family have millions in Gold Pieces.'

'Good, we take you captive then,' said the Spider.

Bilbo had already slipped on his ring, and was killing the spiders with his sword. Bilbo and the three dwarves then made a run for it, as the great eagles swooped in and had a large spider lunch!

'Aha!' said an Elf leaping in their way. 'You're all under arrest for being Communists.'

'We're not communists, said Doc.

'Then why did the Communist Guerilla spider let you go then?'

'Because I killed them,' said Bilbo (who was now visible).

'Sounds like a story a communist spy would invent,' said the Elf.

Penang Penang!

2006-06-27T10:24:00.000+08:00

Following on from CMOS comment of: Holy shite!!! You studied in Penang??? Damn... I feel so proud of my dinky island now... hehehe... ^_^ Here is the Penang Song I promised, as demonstrated by three lonely sailors on shore leave: OZZIE: Come on, Gabey, hurry up! CHIP: Twenty-four hours! SAILOR: Hey, why don't ya look where you're goin'. You'd think it was your first time in Penang! GABEY: It is! (The sailors look around them, happily absorbing the scene.) GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: Penang, Penang! It's a wonderful place! GABEY: We've got one day here and not another minute To see the famous sights! OZZIE: We'll find the romance and danger waiting in it Beneath the Geoerge Town lights; But we've hair on our chests So what we like the best are the nights Sights! Lights! Nights! GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: Penang, Penang, a wonderful place. Penang Hill's up, and there's plenty of space. Penang women have plenty poise and grace. Penang, Penang, it's a wonderful place! CHIP: (points to Komtar Building) Hey, Gabey! Gabey, look. (consulting his guidebook with reverence and excitement) Gabey, it says here "There are 20,000 Mamaks in Penang, not counting Tanjong Tokong Road the heart of Island Plaza, a charming thoroughfare filled with..." OZZIE: Here we go again! CHIP: The famous places to visit are so many, Or so the guidebooks say. I promised Daddy I wouldn't miss on any. And we have just one day. Got to see the whole place From George Town across to Batu Feringhi. GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: In just one day! Penang, Penang, a visitor's place, Where no one lives on account of the pace, With one million tourists ice creaming their face. Penang, Penang, it's a visitor's place! (Two sailors enter, weaving and weary-looking - one happy, one very glum.) GABEY: Hey! Look who's comin' back! It's Tom and Andy! OZZIE: Hey, Tom, Andy! Hey, fellas, how are the Penang dames? ANDY: Wonderful - I don't remember a thing! TOM: Awful! I remember everything! (Tom and Andy exit.) OZZIE: George Town women are dressed in silk and satin, Or so the fellas say; There's just one thing that's important in Pasir Panjang, When you have just one day; Gotta pick up a date... CHIP: Maybe seven... OZZIE: Or eight On your way. GABEY, CHIP, OZZIE: In just one day! Penang, Penang, a wonderful place. Penang Hill's up, and there's plenty of space. One million tourists with ice cream on their face. Penang, Penang, it's a wonderful place!!!

The Hobbit - Part Three

2006-06-26T11:43:00.000+08:00

'Hello,' said Bilbo to the creature.

'Ah,' said the thing. 'It speaks as well as sings. Doesn't it my precious.'

'Um, who are you speaking to?' asked Bilbo.

'It asks questions my precious. It wants to play the riddle game. Yes, it does, doesn't it my precious.'

'Yeah, sure, let's play the riddle game.'

'Oh, see, it does want to play precious. It wants to play, 'Who wants to be a millionaire' well, we don't have that game, do we precious. In fact, our copy of trivial pursuit floated away.'

'You had trivial pursuit?'

'Look, precious. It keeps asking questions. It wants to play, precious. Let's answer the question, then we get to ask it a question.'

'Wait a second. What are the rules to this game?'

'Oh, it wants to know the rules, precious. Yes, the rules,' then for the first time, the creature spoke directly to Bilbo. 'The rules are simple. First, you ask a question, if I can answer it, I get to ask a question. You then must answer the question. If we both get the question right, we can go to the gift shop. If one of us answers it incorrectly, then the other gets to eat them.'

'I don't think I want to play then,' said Bilbo.

'Why, precious, it doesn't want to play. What do we do now? Why, we eats him anyway!'

'Uh, if you're going to eat me anyway, I might as well play then,' said Bilbo backtracking.

'Now it wants to play again, precious,' said Gollum. 'Such a tricky little thing it is.'

'I'm not a thing,' said Bilbo. 'I'm a hobbit.'

'A hobbits, my precious. We have a hobbit,' said Gollum. 'Last hobbit I had was collecting stamps.'

'I think you'll find that was a hobby,' corrected Bilbo.

'A hobby is it, yes a nasty little hobbyist,' said Gollum. 'I also collect bones and make furniture from them. Nasty little hobbyist they'd all call me. Didn't they precious.'

'Ah, sure,' said Bilbo, who by this stage was too wary to correct the nasty little hobbyist.

'He gets to go first, doesn't he precious,' said Gollum. 'Go ahead, ask me a riddle.'

'Okay,' said Bilbo. 'a/s/l ???'

'Huh?' Gollum was perplex. 'What the frig sort of riddle is that, precious?'

'It's used in all the latest chat rooms,' said Bilbo. 'I'm always being asked it.'

'Ah, my precious. It thinks that because I live in the middle of a cold lake in the middle of a cave in the middle of a mountain that I don't get the Internet down here! Huh, loser it is my precious! Loser! The answer, nasty little hobbyist, is age, sex and location.'

Bilbo was taken aback. First, as he didn't think Gollum would have known what it meant, and second of all, because all this time he had thought it meant after, shave, lotion. He had been wondering why people started ignoring him when he replied 'Old Spice' to that question. Now, it all made sense in a weird sort of a way.

'Now my precious,' continued Gollum. 'I get to ask my riddle. What first slaps you on the butt, Second it grabs your willy and cuts, Third pulls your appendix from your gut, Often they marry some nurse who's a slut.'

'That's an easy one,' said Bilbo. 'The only people I know desperate enough to actually marry nurses are Doctors. Everyone else just uses them and throws them away! I have no idea what the other three lines were about though.'

'You idiot, nasty little hobbyist. The first line is when he slaps you when you are born. The second is when he circumcises you, the third is when he does an appendectomy on you. And my sister is a nurse. My brother in-law is an accountant, not a Doctor. Your logic is just so screwed up nasty little hobbyist.'

'Okay,' said Bilbo. 'I guess it must be gift shop time then.'

'It wants gifts my precious. Gift shop is all it thinks about. The stupid hobbyist. Okay, gift shop it is. Let's see what we have for gift shop. A nice fish head. Yes, my precious a nice fish head for the hobbyist. Also, some fish bones, a shell from a prawn, a rock and some nice cave mold I found earlier today. What do you wants from the gifts shop nasty hobbyist.'

'Ah, I might skip this one,' said Bilbo. Bilbo sat down in disgust. Gift shop was lousy. Not only did he not win any money, he didn't even get a shot at a cool car of some sort.

'I'm waiting, am I not my precious. Waiting for the nasty hobbyists next question. If it cannot ask a question, then we eat him by default.'

Bilbo suddenly noticed he was sitting on something. Something hard which poked into his butt check.

'What am I sitting on?' asked Bilbo.

'What's that? What did he say my precious? What is the Hobbyist sitting on? What sort of riddle is this? What can he be sitting on?'

Bilbo felt behind him, and realised it was not a normal stone. Whatever he had sat on, was man made. It was round, had a hole in it. He thought he'd found an undissolved lifesaver at first. He moved it through the water and washed the mud out from inside it. He soon realised from the feel that he'd discovered a ring.

'I give in nasty hobbyist. The best I can guess is you are sitting on your butt hole.'

'A ring!' said Bilbo proudly.

'I got it right then, my precious,' said Gollum cheerfully.

'No,' said Bilbo. 'I meant I was sitting on an actual ring.' He lifted the ring up from the water to show Gollum. Though it was too dark for Bilbo to see, he knew Gollum's eyes were adjusted to the dark.

'MY PRECIOUS!,' screamed Gollum.

Bilbo pulled his hand back, and slipped the ring on in one motion. He ran like crazy, not realising that he'd actually turned invisible. Gollum was close on his heals, and Bilbo realised he wasn't going to outrun the creature. He took the crimper in one hand, and prepared to do battle.

However, being invisible, Gollum ran straight over the top of him, like a professional rugby player running over the top of an under eights school boys debating team.

'MY PRECIOUS!' Bilbo could hear him crying out as he ran further on up the cave.

The Goblins further up the cave heard him coming and ran. This saved the life of Gandalf and the four Dwarves. Sleepy and Sleepy II had since been eaten by the Goblins.

Realising he'd run Bilbo over, Gollum moved to the only exit from the cave.

After untying themselves, Gandalf and the Dwarves made their way towards the exit. Imagine their surprise when they saw Gollum writhing in agony as the invisible Bilbo kicked the crap out of his balls!

Thus, Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves safely exited from the mountain.

Meanwhile in Mordor, an all seeing eye shifted it's gaze to the Misty Mountains. Fortunately for Bilbo, the eye did not have X-Ray vision yet, so was unable to see into the mountain where Bilbo had been wearing the ring.

The Hobbit - Part Two

2006-06-25T13:16:00.000+08:00

The party of Ten arrived in Rivendell.

Along the way, Sneezy had sneezed and fell to his death. Well, actually, the fall didn't kill him, nor did the sudden stop at the end. He had sneezed, slipped off the side of the mountain and fallen about one hundred feet down. He safely landed in some bushes at the base of the mountain. Unfortunately, those bushes were the home of some rather annoyed vipers, who immediately bit him.

His last words were, 'Achoo! Ouch! Achoo! Ouch! Achoo! Ouch!' These were then ceremoniously added to his tombstone, which was thrown down the mountain to land on top of him, as no one wanted to retrieve his body from the vipers nest.

There was also another accident along the way involving Bashful, a prostitute and a great white shark. Unfortunately, no one really knew what Bashful and his hentai ways were about, as he was always too bashful to discuss them. The rest of the party had a difficult time getting the Japanese School Girls Uniform off the shark, but they were eventually able to. Getting Bashful and the Prostitute out from the sharks stomach was a more difficult feat though.

So it was, that the exhausted party of ten made it to Rivendell, home of the tree dwelling Bonobo Elves.

After an exhausting five days partying, the party of nine left Rivendell to continue their journey to the Lonely Mountains. Oh, I forgot to mention a slight incident, which some regard of little importance. During a drunken brawl, Doc and Homo threw Grumpy from the fifteenth story of one of the Elven Tree Bars. They maintain that Grumpy started it, with him being a violent drunk and all. Always so darn grumpy! Well, technically, not so grumpy now!

The elves breathed a sigh of relief and went about cleaning up what was left of their forest.

The party of nine camped inside a huge cave called ,'Warning! Don't enter here, Goblins!'

They all agreed it was an unusual name for a cave, but, it was out of the elements and they could build a nice big fire in there.

Gandalf lit up a big pipe, and started passing it around. Soon, all the dwarves and Bilbo were being entertained with dancing figure on the roof, and weird colourful animals doing strange things.

As they dozed off, they didn't notice the strange lurking figures at the back of the cave. While they slept, the Goblins slipped in and tied them all up with cat 5 cable. They took them deeper into the bowels of the mountain, which smelt as bad as they sounded.

Bilbo's sword began to glow red.

'Psst,' said Bilbo.

'No,' replied Dopehead. 'Just stoned man!'

'I'm not asking if you're drunk,' said Bilbo. 'I was trying to get your attention. What's it mean when the sword glows red?'

'Oh,' said Doc. 'That means we've been tied up with cat 5 cable by goblins.'

'Ah,' said Bilbo. 'That's not good is it?'

'Not really,' said Doc. 'Look what they're doing to “Happy Being Homo”.'

Doc motioned his head over to where some goblins were busy doing strange torturous acts to him.

'Lucky bugger,' said Homo.

'Here,' said Doc. 'Move closer Bilbo, I have a crimper in my belt. It might be just what we need to cut through the cat 5 cable.'

Bilbo moved closer and began to fiddle about in Doc's belt.

'I've got something for you too,' said Homo to Bilbo.

'You want me to rummage around in your belt as well?' Bilbo asked.

'Um,' confessed Homo. 'Maybe, a little lower.'

'I've found the crimper!' exclaimed Bilbo as he hauled it out of Doc's belt. He managed to get the crimper in place and cut the cat 5 cable that was around his wrists. He then used it on the cat 5 around his ankles.

'Hey,' said Fister, one of the Goblins. 'That ones got free.'

Bilbo had little time to react. He leapt to his feet and ran through the dark, blind deeper into the cave.

'Darn!' exclaimed Doc. 'That was the only crimper I had. Hey Homo, mind if I try to get your crimper out of your pants?'

'Be my guest, big boy!' said Homo excitedly.

As Bilbo ran through the cave, he suddenly noticed a steep decline, and before he could stop himself fell face first into a cold underground lake.

He could hear the goblins chasing him suddenly stop.

'Oh, gees,' said Fingers, another one of the Goblins. 'He's a goner now. Iggy Pops going to get him.'

'Iggy Pop?' asked Fister. 'You mean that anorexic thing that eats Goblins for breakfast?'

'Nah!' said Fingers. 'You're thinking of the punk rocker. I'm talking about that thing that lives in the lake.'

'Oh, that's even worse!'

So it was that Bilbo, cold, lonely and in the dark, had escaped the Goblins. In the distance he heard the strange splish splashing of something coming towards him, and a voice singing.

'Here comes johnny yen again With the liquor and drugs And the flesh machine He's gonna do another strip tease. Hey man, where'd ya get that lotion? Ive been hurting since Ive bought the gimmick About something called love Yeah, something called love. Well, thats like hypnotizing chickens.'

'Man,' thought Bilbo. 'That's a pretty weird song. I don't think I've heard that one before. I might sing one of the old songs from the Shire and see if he sings along.

Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?'

'Hmmm,' said the voice from the darkness. 'What do we have here my precious? A singer in the dark. We must meet the singer, mustn't we precious. Must be good host to the singer, eh, precious.'

Bilbo heard the splashing come towards him, till it stopped next to him, and he could feel it's breath on his neck. He could smell the rotten fish smell coming from it's mouth. The odour almost made him chuck on the spot.

RAAF School Penang

2006-06-25T11:52:00.000+08:00

The year was 1970 ... yeah, I know most of you weren't even born yet. There I was, excited. My first day of school. I'd been to the Kindergarten, which was a little up the road from where we lived, but today I was going to the BIG KIDS school! Well, big kids compared to me ... it was actually Pre-school. My first recollection of the day, was the big kids on the school bus flicking bits of paper at each other with rubber bands! OUCH! In the picture below, I'm in the front row, second from the right. One of the first things I learnt at school, was that when other guys kick you in the nuts, it hurts! I'm in the front row of the next picture, first on left, surname spelt incorrectly. One of the second things I learnt, was life wasn't just. Once when standing in line, the guy in front of me (and I can't remember who it was), grabbed me by my nuts, and I doubled over in pain. This of course made me accidentally reverse into the guy behind me, causing him to double over too. So, in spite of the fact I was the one who had been injured, I was the one who got into trouble for it. Here is another interesting fact. I went to school with a girl called Wendy Felsch. We later went to school together in South Australia (Smithfield Plains High). When we were about fourteen or fifteen, her and another girl tried to pull my pants off at a party. I fought them both off bravely. [When I say I fought them both off, I mean the girls, not my trouser legs!] :-) Anyway, as James mentioned in a previous comment, there was a RAAF radio station. This was stationed over at Butterworth. My brother Jeff just saw what I was writing, and he said, 'Do you know what I remember of Penang?' I said, 'You're "I am a Hippy" Underpants?' 'Nope, nothing.' Well, Jeff was born in Penang and was only about two when we left. My sister Angella was also born in Penang. She'd remember even less. Anyway, my life in Penang was full of wonder. We used to like to go into the hills at the back of the house and get bits of cardboard and slide down the grass terraces. Many a time I got a nasty grass cut from the long grass there. OUCH. I used to like catching butterflies in my butterfly nets. Flying kites. Riding my bike up and down the road. There was an old river bed up in the hills where we could get clay from to makes stuff with. Near there were heaps of monkeys that lived in the trees and chatted away. The constant chater used to scare me a bit, and I bet if a monkey had of come anywhere near me, I probably would have freaked out and ran away! Once, when we were up in the hills, a cobra came towards us. We had climbed into the hill with a heap of wood in order to make a cubby house. As we all ran to get away from the cobra, I remember everyone yelling, 'Get the wood! Get the wood!' I was the smallest, and as such was coming last. So, as we all got down to the street, everyone blamed me for not stopping and picking up the wood. Like sure, if the cobra was chasing us (which it most probably wasn't), then who would it have got to and bitten first? ME!!!! lol Anyway, my elder brother and one of his friends went back later and retreived the wood. Still, I was blamed for being a coward who didn't stop to get all the wood! Grrrr! That'll teach me not to run faster than everyone else! :-) Another one of our favourite past times was playing British Bulldog (also called Red Rover, Bull rush and many other names). We had quite a few girls who would also play the game. The funny thing is, every now and then, a new girl would come along and insist on playing. We'd always try to talk them out of it. Only, they'd insist on playing. End result, they'd play, get tackled, run home crying and we'd get told the game was banned! Same thing happened at several schools I attended. lol Another thing we loved to play was Softball. I was alway sgood to get to first base, and we'd have the big hitter come in after me, and he'd hit a home run and we'd both score! w00t! The other thing I played was soccer. But, that's not that exciting. I remembered we'd mainly play against each other, but every now and then we'd play against the Malay school. The thing I remember most about the field there, was it had no grass and the ground was hard as concrete! OUCH! Somewhere in Penang is a soccer field with DNA from my kneecaps on it ... well, my DNA has probably broken down now, and there's probably grass there now ... so, part of me will always be in Penang! :-)

The Hobbit - Part One

2006-06-24T17:06:00.000+08:00

Once there was a hobbit, who lived in a hole. His name was Bilbo. He wanted to move to the big block of apartments near by, but unfortunately didn't have a deposit, nor could he get a bank loan. One day, Gandalf the local bank loans officer dropped by his house. 'Good morning,' said Bilbo. 'Hi, I'm here to offer you a home loan,' replied Gandalf. 'You're kidding me!' exclaimed Bilbo. 'I have no money, no job and I live in a hole!' 'That's right,' replied Gandalf. 'I'm also going to offer you several credit cards. What you do, is you borrow the money from the credit cards till you have enough for a deposit. Then, you get a loan and buy a house. You just need to sign, here, here, here and here.' 'This sounds a little dodgy,' said Bilbo. 'What happens when I can't pay the loan back?' 'We take your house,' said Gandalf. 'And you're safely back in your hole.' 'I don't like the sound of that!' cried Bilbo. 'It's okay,' said Gandalf. 'There is insurance.' 'And that stops me losing my new home?' 'Ah, no, that stops us losing it.' 'Um, so what do I get out of it?' 'Well, if you sign all these papers, I open a deposit account for you with fifty dollars in it.' 'Kewl! I can eat!' Gandalf then stayed for dinner, and scratched a secret mark on the door. The next day, twelve Dwarves rocked up to take Bilbo to his new house. There names were Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, SleepyII, Grumpy, Homo, Happy, Happy being Homo and Dopehead. The other two were Unimportant, and As Such Won't Be Named. A Thirteenth Dwarf then rocked up with Gandalf and thirty naked dancing girls. They had a huge bucks night in Bilbo's new house and trashed the place. Unimportant, the eleventh dwarf decided to clean up the place before the set off on an adventure. As Such Won't Be Named, the twelfth dwarf tried glueing one of the naked dancing girls to himself, but was unsuccessful, as she woke up and ran away. 'Well,' said Gandalf. 'Looks like that was a great bucks night.' 'Um,' interrupted Bilbo. 'Which Dwarf was getting married?' 'Oh, we didn't invite him,' said Doc. 'We hate him. In fact, we're going to invade his home and steal all his stuff.' 'And have sex with his maid,' said Dopehead. 'And eat his dog,' said Grumpy. The other dwarves look at him in a strange way. 'What?' asked Grumpy. 'You've never been so hungry you ate a dog before?' 'We don't have much time,' said Gandalf. 'We're going to Vegas and raiding a casino.' 'Just like in Ocean's Eleven?' asked Happy. 'No, this is more dangerous,' said Gandalf. 'This treasure is protected by a huge dragon. Homo, pass me the map.' Homo placed a huge map on Bilbo's table over the top of one of the naked dancing girls. 'You see here,' said Gandalf poking the naked dancing girl in the boob. 'These are the mountains of madness!' 'Um, you've missed the map, Gandalf,' said Happy. 'Oh, so I have!' The naked dancing girl giggled and rolled over taking half the map with her. 'Did you mean here by any chance?' asked Happy being Homo pointing at a place on the map. 'Ah, yeah, that'll do,' said Gandalf. 'Here is where the casino is located. Owned by the Dragon Snuffy!' 'Um, you mean Smaug?' corrected Sleepy II. 'Shut up and go back to sleep!' Gandalf exclaimed with some venom in his voice. 'We're going here, to the mountains of madness.' 'Isn't it the lonely mountains?' asked Sleepy. 'Didn't I just tell you to go back to sleep?' 'That was SleepyII,' said Sleepy. 'Darn your parents for naming you and your brother with the same name!' exclaimed Gandalf. The naked dancing girls got paid by Gandalf and left. The rest of the party then set off on their adventure. The fifteen of them were gleefully walking along, when they suddenly decided to stop, make a camp and eat a lot of food. That night, three trolls wandered into their camp. 'Urgh,' said Boulderballs the troll. 'I smell Dwarves.' 'Urgh,' said Chinpokorock. 'I smell a human.' 'Urgh,' said Copulite. 'I smell like teenspirit.' Sleepy, who was on guard duty suddenly awoke. 'Aw, gees!' he exclaimed. 'Why do I always fall asleep? I better warn the others! HEY! WATCH OUT! TROLLS!' Gandalf was quick to react. He turned on some flashing coloured lights and flicked the switch on his boom box. 'Ah,' he said. 'Nice trolls. We welcome you to the Dwarven Discotheque. First drink is on the house.' 'We didn't come here to dance,' said Copulite. 'Well,' Said Gandalf. 'Have a drink first on the house. It's special liquid guarana, with added caffeine! Take a table close to the dance floor and start looking the dwarves over. I make a nice barbecued dwarf.' The trolls accepted the drinks and soon were so wide awake and babbling that they'd almost forgotten they were hungry. Gandalf kept plying them with guarana drinks and caffeine, which luckily kept them full. 'What's that?' asked Boulderballs as the first flickers of the suns rays came over the horizon. 'Looks sort of bright and ...' Chinpokorock didn't have a chance to finish, as all three trolls turned to stone. The sun does that to them. They have very sensitive skin, just like rock musicians. As the sun rose, they noticed the cave where the Trolls had lived. Gandalf phoned one of his real estate friends who paid him a nice spotters fee. Bilbo and the dwarves wandered into the cave for a look. 'Wow,' said Bilbo as he picked up a sword. 'I'm like, a Samurai dude!' He swished it around and accidentally sliced Unimportant's head off. 'Um,' he sheepishly asked. 'I'm not going to get into trouble for that, am I?' 'Don't worry about it,' said Gandalf. 'He was Unimportant you know!' 'I see you've got a magic sword,' said Happy. Bilbo swung around to face him and accidentally hit him in the head. 'Um,' said Bilbo. 'It was an accident. You all saw it. It was an accident I tell you.' 'It's okay,' said Gandalf. 'He died Happy.' 'Well,' said Dopehead, who was quick enough to seize Bilbo's arm as he swung to face him. 'What Happy was trying to say before his untimely demise, is you have a magic sword. It glows blue in the presence of turkeys.' 'It's been glowing blue since I picked it up,' said Bilbo. 'See,' said Homo. 'Proof of concept.' So, the party of Twelve set off again. Reduced to twelve as no one had noticed Boulderballs chewing on As Such Won't Be Named earlier in the night.

Nicole & Keith

2006-06-23T17:39:00.000+08:00

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will be getting married or something in Sydney sometime soon. With World Cup fever hitting Oz, these are the questions most Aussies on the street have been asking, and I'm here to answer them. What colour strip will each side be wearing? Nicole will probably be in white, this is to aid sports fans who are still viewing on black and white TV's. She is also the home side, so she gets to chose. The rest of her side will probably be wearing a different coloured strip. Keith's team will likely be in black. Who is on the Kidman team? The Kidman team will consist of her sister, Antonia, & her friend Naomi Watts. Rebecca Rigg might be a substitute incase either of the first two get injured. She might make an appearance on the side at the halfway mark. Who is coaching the Kidman side? There is rumours that Baz Luhrman will be coaching Nicole's team. He's coached her before in a Chanel commercial and she scored a goal in the famous Moulin Rouge match. Will Kidman be wearing a false nose? Well, as most remember, she scored big time in 'The Hours' while wearing a false nose. In this match however, she won't be wearin one, preferign to go 'Au Natural' with her own nose. Russell Crowe will be there, what do you think he will bring to the match? Probably a phone. If you hear me yell 'Duck', then do so! Rupert Murdoch will be there! That's a statement and not a question. Who will score first? Probably the striper the night before. Is Nicole suffering Pre-Match nerves? It's been reported that nicole says she has no pre-match gitters. Will Nicole play for Australia one day? I hope not. She's a crap soccer player!

Why Not ... 3 meme!

2006-06-23T16:27:00.000+08:00

Name 3 schools you went to: 1. RAAF School Penang 2. Wanneroo High (Perth) 3. Woolooware high (Sydney) Name 3 things in your wallet: 1. Money 2. Visa Card 3. Business Card Name 3 things you always wear: 1. Underpants 2. T-Shirts 3. Jeans Name 3 things you do when you are really stressed: 1. Vomit 2. Blur 3. Vomit blood Name 3 places you go to on a daily basis: 1. Bedroom 2. Toilet 3. Home Office Name 3 things you like to do: 1. Blog 2. Play Games (computer, Board, Card, Miniatures ... maybe others) 3. Play guitar Name 3 favourite fruits: 1. Banana 2. Rambutan 3. Peaches Name 3 things you are addicted to: 1. Internet 2. Pizza 3. Guitar Name 3 of your hobbies: 1. Music 2. Drawing / Painting 3. Writing Name 3 goals in 2006: 1. Make Money 2. Stay in Business 3. Finish Writing Perry Pooter Name 3 plans for next the 3 weeks: 1. Work 2. Write 3. Watch more soccer (is it possible?) :-) Nicknames you go by: 1. Bear 2. Dabido 3. Legend Name 3 things you are wearing right now: 1. Socks 2. Shoes 3. Underpants Name 3 things you want in a relationship: 1. Love 2. Understanding 3. Deep and Meaningful Discussions Name 3 physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you: 1. Nice Face 2. Nice Butt 3. Intellligence Name 3 people whom I would like to see answer this survey: 1. John Lennon 2. George Harrison 3. Stu Sutcliffe

Please Donate To the World Oil Crisis

2006-06-22T20:14:00.000+08:00

Snark, this one's for you! :-) With the World Oil Crisis deepening, we would like you to donate for the retraining of animals for the betterment of humans around the world.

Dr Seuss

2006-06-22T16:12:00.000+08:00

Before Titoki removed her site, she asked us to write some captions for her pictures ... well, the pictures are gone ... this was my attempt. Congrates to Simple American for winning the little competition. Anyway, here was my poem I wrote for the pics. Not quite as funny without the pictures. So, use your imagination! :-) The Dr Seuss version: Pic One: In the driveway, the new car sat, With it's new owner, the girl in the hat. The car wanted to drive, it wanted to play, But the girl in the hat stood in it's way. Pic Two: 'If you want to drive, inside you must sit,' Said the new car to the hat girls arm pit. Pic Three: At the back door, stood the girl in the hat, You can't drive a car, when you're standing like that! Pic Four: The car got real angry, in fact it was cut, Cause that girl in the hat had her hand on his butt! Pic Five: Said the new car, 'This is not what I seek, That girl is now standing, with us cheek to cheek!' Pic Six: The girl in the hat, stood holding his visor, But as for a drive, He was non the wiser. Pic Seven: So the girl in the hat, stood out the front, 'I've had enough of this girl, I'll run over this runt.' With pedal to metal he shifted his stick, Changed into gear and ran over the chick. The camera person, just wasn't that quick, So I'm sorry to say, there isn't a pic!

PAIN!!! & Keltoi Horoscopus!

2006-06-22T15:31:00.000+08:00

I'm in considerable pain today. Woke up with a swollen right hand, and it hurts, hurts, hurts!!!! Hurts in the joints and the bones (not that you can have pain in the bones, as there is no nerves in there ... but it feels that way ...). In particular, it's the middle finger feeling the most pain! Argh!!!!

*****

Took my mother shopping for things ... because let's face it, even though I have a business to run, no one in my family takes it seriously, so they all think I am free to be their chauffeurs and run errands for them ... grrr.

*****

Anyway, while out having a look around, discovered some thing which raved on about Celtic Horoscopes. I didn't know there was such a thing. I liked what the thing in the store said about me [being an Ash Tree] ... but ... it was different to this, and this:

You Are An Ash Tree

You are vivacious and impulsive, which makes you extremely attractive to many. Intelligent and demanding, you don't care much for criticism. You have a ton of ambition and talent, and sometimes money rules your heart. You like to play with fate, and you can be very egotistical and restless. Demanding of attention, you need love and a lot of emotional support.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

So, three slightly different things regarding the Ash Tree. I liked the fact that the thing in the store said my animal sign was the Owl, and that I was patient and Wise. This one is slightly different again: You are very intuitive and would make a marvellous teacher. Your wamth opens doors for you, and you are good at using your charm and grace to bring people round to your point of view. Time is on your side and will help you on your way to success. You need an original partner, someone who broke the mould and is able to put plenty of energy into seducing you. Looking into the future, you want a small family, which leaves you the freedom to do your own thing. This year will be a year when you take positive steps, start fruitful relationships which are made to last. Then, there is this one:

ASH TREE (the Ambition)

uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.

*****

I guess this gives me something else not to believe in. One thing I notice about all my different 'horoscope' signs, is that whether I am looking at the traditional Greek zodiac 'Horoscope' or the Chinese one, or the Celtic one, almost all my signs say I am intelligent and highly communicative and stuff. I guess if you want people to believe in stuff, you're not going to say: The sign of the leach is for peopel born between the 5th of this month and the 4th of that month. Leach peopel are stupid, ignorant and smell ... Because, if you said things like that, peopel just won't want to believe! lol One of my friends once proved something to me. He sat and read out the SunSign descriptions of starsigns [ie the normal Greek Zodiac ones], and asked me if I felt it related to me. Regardless of which one he read, I could relate in some way or form ... let's face it, those things are written to be general enough to relate to almost anyone. I was reading through the Celtic Horoscope as well [all based on trees], and felt the same thing. I can relate to a lot of the different things for each different 'tree' [or sign]. rofl. Like I've said, I've discovered something new not to believe in!

What tree are you guys?

Ten Top Trivia Tips About Dabido!

2006-06-21T17:35:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about dabido!

The original nineteenth-century Coca-Cola formula contained dabido
By tradition, a girl standing under dabido cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege!
Most bottles and jars contain at least twenty-five percent recycled dabido!
All of the roles in Shakespeare's plays - including the female roles - were originally played by dabido.
You should always store dabido in an airtight container in the fridge.
The fingerprints of dabido are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and dabido has 7.
Scientists believe that dabido began billions of years ago as an enormous ball of dust and gas.
Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of dabido in your ear 700 times.
dabido can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated.

I stole this ... I mean borrowed this, from Laksa's site. The funny thing was, after this was generated, I realised that it was all true! :-)

When I get back to it ...

2006-06-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

As a few of you have realised, the World Cup has slowed me up a bit ... working during the day, watching football at night ... and never eating right or sleeping ... daggnammit! lol Here is the old list resurrected on what I was going to blog about. Perry Pooter (Harry Potter send up) is part of the way through.

Harry Potter send up - Perry Pooter, currently at Part Nine.
Hobbit Send up
Wuthering Heights send up
Dabido and the Aliens from Mars

I might stick the Lord of the Rings in One Thousand and Six words or less into a PDF as well for download. [Don't let me forget!] :-) As per normal, I'll put the question out there - ask me to blog on anything ... I'll invent a silly story or something. NOTE: It DOESN'T HAVE to be a send up! In the major redesign of this blog, I'm going to try to get some buttons down the side to link to some form of index for eveything so far. Not easy in Blogger, as it doesn't have that sort of support, but I have an idea of how to do it. :-)

Psyche and Eros - EBook

2006-06-20T15:01:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. Was very busy with the World Cup, Work and preparing the Psyche and Eros EBook for all to download. The link above connects you to the Psyche and Eros story in EBook form. Within the ebook is permission to copy and distribute the work to friends, neighbours, your enemies (if you think it's that bad), that guy that calls you Bill all the time ... anyone. I have stuck a copyright notice on the front page, as well as the 'Permission to copy and distribute' bit on the contents page. Basically, you can't charge money to copy or distribute this ebook, but you can share if for free. When I get back to Perry Pooter, I'll try and do something similar for that as well. I'll probably make a button for it, and stick it and other ebook buttons in the sidebar once I get around to my major overhaul of the site. For those who didn't read the story, or who can't be bothered going back and looking through the blog for it all, well, the ebook is there for you to download. :-)

A Little Late ... but done! :-)

2006-06-17T11:35:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Pinacolada for this meme. Apologies for taking so long to get to it. 10 years ago I was:

31 years old
Married
Working two jobs and bringing in a LOT of money [pity the ex and her BF ran off with it all!]
63 KG [as opposed to almost 100KG today!]
Got all High Distinction at University for all my 1996 subjects.

5 years ago I was:

Living in Sydney - I'd spent part of the previous year travelling around Europe ... I miss Europe.
Went Scuba diving with Hammerhead sharks
Went mountainbike riding through rainforests
Bought myself a Guitar for my 36th B'day, and had a great B'Day party where I paid for everyones pizzas and got to serenade a Japanese Girl named Momoko. :-)
Working thirteen plus hours each day, but management kept calling me lazy.

1 year ago I was:

Doing volunteer work for the local Police and Citizens Youth Centre
Wondering what to do with my life
Writing a lot on my blog ... so nothings changed
Wishing I was anywhere but here in Perth.
Painting, writing, doing the starving artist thing.

Yesterday I was:

Helping my mother clean the spare room and taking her to the dentist
Seeing clients about more work.
Extremely tired from World Cup Blur/Fatigue/ whatever you wanna call it
Wishing I was anywhere except Perth
Reading too many blogs, and designed a Banner for someone's blog. [If they want it].

5 most recent songs I listened to:

Am I Not Pretty Enough For You - Casey Chambers
Highway 64 / Hope Wish Pray / Kryptonite / Calamine Lotion Boy - all by Pippa Drysdale
Dark Side of the Moon Album - Pink Floyd
Vertigo - U2
Icarus Wings / Slow Fuse / plus numerous other songs - my own [aka by Dabido].

5 songs I know all the words to:

Most Pink FloydSongs
Most Led Zepplin Songs
Most Beatle Songs
Most of my Own Songs
Most Nirvana Songs

5 ideal places for runing away to:

Firenzi [Florence], Italy [Yes, I love this place! Anyone want to run away there with me?]
Japan
South America
Europe
Asia/Africa/Antarctica/Sydney/Oceania ... lets face it, I wanna go everywhere possible

5 items I really want:

HUGE Italian Villa
Loving Wife
Children
A better looking body
A dream job as an artist, musician, writer, etc

5 things I should be doing right now:

Sleeping
Exercising
Cleaning my office space up
Helping My Mother
Designing my GIMP2 Course

5 biggest joys in life:

Over Acheiving
Being Loved
Being Stressless
Being Creative
Playing Guitar

5 people I tag:

You Can
Grab This
If You
Wish To
Do It

Psyche and Eros - Part Sixteen

2006-06-17T11:14:00.000+08:00

After debating the issue for a month (yeah, they did add a pay rise for deities on to the end of bill), they voted and it was past unanimously. Eros and Psyche could get married, as per Athena's bill of 6200 B.C. Record number A44 Z333078, which was recorded in triplicate, signed and sent to the gods of bureaucracy for storage and to be uploaded onto the net on the .gods intranet for all to see.

Hermes was sent to fetch Psyche in order to sip from the cup of immortality. Knowing it would unite her and Eros forever, she did so willingly.

The marriage was quickly organised at her father's palace, in the temple of Aphrodite. Everyone who was anyone was there. Famous poets, play writes, actors, beasts who eat heroes, heroes, kings, queens, some more heroes, gods, goddesses, a winged horse, a sphinx, some guy who sniffs glue out the back of the local seven eleven, oracles from Delphi and one of Zeus's burps which had created a life of it's own.

It was an A-list wedding to end all weddings. Psyche looked beautiful in her white dress. Eros looked fabulous in his bright Hawaiian board shorts, red Hibiscus shirt and flip flops.

The ceremony was wonderful, and even though most didn't understand Zeus's surfer talk, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. It was now true, that Eros (LOVE) would never ever again be separated from Psyche (THE SOUL). Which is why, when we fall in love, it effects us to our very souls.

After the ceremony was over, the very proud King was helping his servants clean up the temple.

'Who are you?' he asked a strange ugly man standing in the middle of the temple.

'Oh, my name is Dabido,' said Dabido.

'Really?' the King asked. 'What are you doing here?'

'Oh, about a year ago I was told to come here by Aphrodite herself. She promised I'd have the worlds most beautiful woman fall in love with me.'

'Oh,' said the King. 'I suspect she's forgotten about you then.'

'Really?' asked Dabido. 'How do you know that?'

'Well, mate. You just saw that wonderful wedding?'

'Yes.'

'Well, that was her. Only, she married the god Eros.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yep,' said the King, who then explained the entire story to Dabido.

'Well, I guess that's it then,' said Dabido.

'I guess that is it,' replied the King. 'So, what you gonna do about it?'

'I guess I'll go home and blog about it,' said Dabido.

'That sounds like a mighty fine idea,' said the King.

Dabido then turned and left. Which, my friends, explains the story you just read, and concludes the explanation as to why I don't have a girl friend. :-)

Psyche and Eros - Part Fifteen

2006-06-16T13:44:00.000+08:00

'Ahem,' said Hermes. 'If I may be so bold as to suggest that Athena take the floor.'

'Athena?' asked Zeus. 'My daughter, the computer nerd? Like, a total Thelma of the gods. Man, that's a heavy ask.'

'Excuse my suggestion,' said Hermes. 'But, she does have nine degrees, three masters and two doctorates. As the only one of us actually with pieces of papers, called Credentials, she really is the only one qualified to work this all out.'

The rest of the gods had no idea what Hermes had said, but they had to admit that he was usually right on these sorts of things.

'#!, 45 1337 45 1 m4y 533M, 1 N0 5um 0f U h4v3 d1ff1cu17y und3r574nd1ng m3.'

Hermes translated. 'She said, that as incredibly intelligent as she is, she knows that most of you don't understand a word she says.'

'You can thhhay that again,' said Dionysus. 'Thesthhhe stttthhmart chicks pithhh me orfff talkin' ovfffer my head!'

'Mi 5ugg35710n 2 U 411, !5 w3 4110w p5yc#3 2 dr!Nk fr0m t#3 cUp 0f !mm0r741!7y'

'Athena suggests,' said Hermes. 'That we allow Psyche to sip from the cup of immortality, thus making her immortal like us. As she would no longer be a mortal, Aphrodite can have no problem with Eros marrying her. Thus, Psyche will become as we are, and the marriage would be legitimate in the eyes of the assembly of god, goddesses and assorted immortal souls.'

'You thhhinksth you're tho sthmart,' said Dionysus. 'If I had my way, I'd makth you scweem like a pigth!'

'Yeah, sure you could,' said Athena as she poked her spear through Dionysus' right testicle.

The rest of the gods and goddesses broke into talk at the suggestion. It seemed to satisfy everyones needs.

Go Blue Kurt!

2006-06-15T20:46:00.000+08:00

Kurt is trying to decide which colour to go this summer ... my vote is blue (the pic still has the kurtlow.com still left on it!) :-)

Psyche and Eros - Part Fourteen

2006-06-15T14:32:00.000+08:00

So it was that at dawn the next day, all the gods and goddess had assembled, though no one asked how it was that Apollo, the sun god, was there, when he was supposed to be riding his golden chariot across the sky. In theory, there shouldn't have been dawn if he wasn't doing his thing. If they had of asked, they would have discovered that it had now been outsourced to India, and was running on a Linux System. No one wanted to run the risk of the thing blue screening at night. That'd just be too confusing!

'Dudes, Bettys, Barneys, Gidgets and assembled brodads,' Zeus started. 'I assembled you here at the beach, man, in order to test the brain waves you might be, like, sending out across the Universe. You know, like, I wanna catch some of those brain waves in sorting out something before it becomes a complete wipe out. I speak of course, about the young grommit, Eros, and his total Betty, Psyche. He's like, totally trying to catch this ride, and like, to him it's the best set his seen. He don't wanna wait for a better set, cause he knows, perfect conditions only ever happen on a Wednesday, and this is his big Wednesday! So, I don't want nothing bogus, just cool karma loving suggestions?'

At this point, Hermes translated for everyone.

'Ahem, Ladies and Gentlemen,' Hermes said. 'It has come to Zeus's attention that Eros has fallen in love with the mortal female, Psyche. As Eros is a god, and Psyche a mortal, some people may be looking down upon this union. He is opening a forum here, for all to discuss any method out of this dilemma. Thank you.'

'I say we kill her,' said Hades. 'Death solves all problems.'

'I dithagree,' said Dionysus. 'I thay we get her drunk *hick* and bonk her brainsth out.'

'That's your answer to everything, isn't it Dionysus!' exclaimed Demeter. 'I say we nurture their love. Like plants, they need mulch to grow. I say we bury them both in manure in order for this to happen.'

'They're not plants,' said Hephaestus. 'It's very obvious to me. What we do is melt them down in a furnace and I'll beat the impurities out of them.'

'Now you're just being silly Hephaestus,' said Ares. 'I say we get a Trojan prince to kidnap her and take her back to Troy. Then, we can get the Greeks to build a huge fleet and sail to Troy and smash it to bits!'

'Look, dudes!' said Poseidon interrupting. 'You're sliding off the top and missing the wave. What we need is to get the Betty and her beau together in the back of the same car. Know what I'm saying? Like, if you want to fix the thing, they gotta be riding the same board to tube glory. Let's make them ride the tube together.'

'I have no idea what you just said,' said Aphrodite. 'But, Eros is my son, and I'm not having some mortal floozy get her talons into him.'

All the gods and goddess then tried to interrupt each other to push their ideas.

'Kill her!' ... 'Let's make war!' ... 'Get her drunk!' ... 'Who took my burger?' ... 'Marry them off' ... 'Put them both in manure' ... 'She's not even immortal' ... 'I'm a Lesbian!' ... 'Turn her into a deer and hunt her down!' ... 'Can I get a refill of my wine?' ... 'Stick them both in a dark room!' ... 'Make them both design and maintain a WAN!' ... 'Stick them on big brother!'

'SILENCE! Take a break peoples!' cried out Zeus. 'I'm like, hearing stuff, but I haven't heard anything that floats my board!'

It seemed hopeless.

You Know You've Been Watching Too Much World Cup ...

2006-06-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

Twenty Reasons: You know as a blogger that you've been watching too much World Cup when ... 1. You go to a blog, and can't remember who the owner of the blog is. This is especially embarrassing when it is called www.[bloggers name].com, and you still are unsure where you are. 2. You start to fall asleep during work ... more than normal. You dream you are a butterfly who dreams he is a soccer player dreaming he is a butterball. 3. You wonder why your comment from the previous day has disappeared. You are furious that they've deleted it. You click on 'comments' and write a scathing attack on censorship only to find your comment was always there ... It's your own blog. 4. You know you read the post yesterday that you are now reading ... it's all familiar, as you read it you remember it all ... except, you have to keep reading, as you can't remember how it ended! 5. People complain your comments are making sense. 6. People complain you aren't writing as much ... okay, only some of us write that much ... lol 7. You write love comments in someones comment box ... you hope it is someone you like/know. 8. You write a duplicate comment ... twelve hours apart. 9. You reply to your own comments, disagreeing with your last opinion and calling yourself names! 10. You hallucinate that you are not a blogger but a soccer player named Dabidiniho. 11. You have a different team in every game ... sometimes changing allegiance halfway through the match, or even every ten minutes. 12. Your score predictions start to come true. Even the stupid ones. This is even true when the score is somewhat removed from what you wrote on someone elses blog. 13. You know every player on every team, where they were born, what club they play for, their position on the field, their prefered foot and their mothers maiden name. 14. You are so blur, you can only read the clock in terms of Kick-off game 1, Kick-off Game 2, Kick-off Game 3. 15. Daytime is work time, night time is soccer time ... somewhere in between is eat time and going to the toilet time ... there used to be a sleep time, but it is now only a distant memory. 16. You now know every teams national anthem, including the words regardless of the language it is written in. 17. You breath a sigh of relief when one of your usuals hasn't updated. Instead of 'UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!' you write in their comments, 'THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!' 18. The person you wrote love letters to replies ... you still aren't sure who they are ... but they speak Swahili, are the son / daughter of a recently deposed President and want to send you $1 million provided you open a bank account for them. 19. A meme is like the worst exam you've ever taken in your life. You wonder why you never crammed for it the night before! You still don't remember which teacher set these questions or what subject you were studying to get it. 20. You can't remember which teams were playing in the matches the night before, but it was either Brazingland Verses Crotogo or was Mexatina and South Frintaly. You ask someone and they assure you it was Cote Angnegro Versus Portukraguay.

The Fantastic Four Meme

2006-06-14T17:59:00.000+08:00

Four jobs I would stink at:

1. Executioner (I'm very much against killing people ... though I've been told if I just tell them jokes ... ) :-) 2. Stripper (I'd knock the girls out with a swish of my pelvis and a TWACK of my belly!) :-) 3. Doctor (I am very squeemish ... Where's Doctor Dabido? He's on the floor fainted again!!!) 4. Drinks Waiter at an abatoir (more squeemish fun!)

Four pretend nicknames I’m making up for myself:

1. Dabidiho (The world famous soccer player) 2. Kumameister 3. Space Mutant 475-J-876 4. Vipermonkey! (OoOoOoooo, I likey very much!) Four movies I have watched over and over:

1. Amadeus 2. Seven Samurai (Kurosawa) 3. Stop Making Sense (Talking Heads Concert) 4. The Big Sleep (Humphrey Bogart)

Four places I have lived:

1. Ipswich (Qld Australia) 2. Penang (Malaysia) 3. Perth (WA Australia) 4. Sydney (NSW Australia)

Four things I love to do on my weekends:

1. Blog 2. Read Blogs 3. Play Board Games 4. Play Computer Games

Four TV shows I geek out to, or used to geek out to:

1. Futurama 2. Simpsons 3. The Glasshouse 4. Spicks and Specks Four alcoholic beverages I’ve enjoyed on offshore vacations :

1. Scotch and Coke (My main drink now) 2. Black Russian (My Previous Main Drink) 3. Blueberry Vodka (Oh YUM YUM! Behave you blue tongued lizard!!!) :-) 4. Long Island Ice Teas (8 in one night ... under the freezing water fall in Lauterbrunnen when the lights went out at Midnight!!! w00t!!!) :-)

Four things I could NOT live without (besides oxygen, H20, and miscellaneous life-sustaining substances):

1. My Computers 2. My Guitars 3. My art equipment 4. My clothes ... I really feel the cold! Especially when naked!!!

Four of my favorite foods, partnered with people with whom I enjoy eating said foods:

1. Vegetarian Japanese food with my friend Rizaldy in Sydney. 2. Vegetarian Pizza - with anyone stupid enough to eat it with me! ;-) 3. Vegetarian Lasagne ... um ... no one ... it's mine, all mine!!! :-) 4. Any vegie meal served at Zambezi bar with all my drinking buddies in Sydney (Corey, Steve, Rizaldy etc)

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Florence (aka Firenzi Italy) 2. Japan (anywhere in Japan, I'm not fussy!) 3. Sydney ... I miss you!!! Waaaah! 4. Germany for the world cup. (Anywhere actually ... I love to travel!) :-) Four people I’m mercilessly tagging: 1. Oblique (Cause she probably wants it for content!) :-) 2. Cheneille 3. Paul (UPDATE UPDATE) 4. Dr Tan (In case he wanted some content too after all those paint fumes) ;-)

ADDENDUM

I forgot to add, this meme is brought to you by the number 4 and the blogger Ashish! ;-)

Psyche and Eros - Part Thirteen

2006-06-14T16:11:00.000+08:00

Hermes was sitting at the door to Zeus's Palace at Mount Olympus.

'Yo! Dude of the winged feet! How's it hanging, man?' asked Eros as he arrived.

'Oh, it's all cool, man. How's the beach bunny going you been hanging with? I heard you've been getting your foamballed by your mother,' replied Hermes.

'Yeah, it's like all chop and no break. Not a tube in site, and nothing but seagulls and Barneys.'

'Heavy,' replied Hermes.

'Anyway, I'm here to see the old beachcomber his self!'

'Dude, go right in. He's acting bleak today. I think it's brainfreeze.'

Eros entered and went to the court room where Zeus was normally sitting on his throne meditating on the state of the world.

'Eros, how's it hanging, grommit?' greeted Zeus.

'Dude, it's total bogus. Like, Brand-X state of zen.' replied Eros.

'Heavy! What's the forecast?'

'Well, I got this cute beach bunny, only my mom the Betty's acting like a real brodad and cutting in front, dropping in and generally making the ride turn completely jivel, man.'

'Dude, we gotta call the line together and kick it all into place.'

With that, Zeus decided to call all the Gods and Goddesses together for a counsel to sort the mess out.

'Hermes, dude. Listen up, I've got something I need you to dig. Dump this heavy wave on the line as a gang buster. Gotta get them together for a dawn raid on the waves. Make sure they don't go aggro or anything, I don't need no one harshing my mellow man!'

With those instructions Hermes flew off to gather the gods and goddesses of Olympus together for a counsel.

Hermes, being the messenger god, was able to speak in a language down to earth of all the gods and goddesses to understand. After all, they don't all talk surfer talk.

Hermes, was not only a translator, he was also a diplomat, and was able to get the gods and goddess together ready for a dawn meeting at Mount Olympus in order to discuss the issues.

AUSTRALIA!!!

2006-06-13T16:11:00.000+08:00

You know what, my mother has been totally amazed by two things last night. First, she is amazed at my total faith in the Australian Soccer team. Second, she was totally amazed at my prediction that once Cahill got on the pitch we'd score two goals. ;-) So, this is how the night panned out for me. 8:30 PM, the telecast of the soccer show started, where they gave all the predictions and stuff as to who would win, who was injured etc. 9 PM, game started. Australia looked good. We seemed to have most of the possession, good field position etc. Always putting the Japanese defense under pressure ... then suddenly disaster struck. Our goalkeeper was knocked over by two Japanese attackers, and the ball bounced in. Yeah, the Referee on seeing the replay admitted he'd got it wrong and it should ahve been a free kick to Australia and not a goal ... but, you know how it is, once the referee says it's a goal, it stands. So, we were down 1-0 against Japan. All through the match my mtoher (who goes for Enland by the way), kept telling me Australia was done for and we had no chance. I kept telling her, 'No, wait till Cahill gets on the pitch. It'll be a whole new soccer match. I bet once he gets on Australia will score two goals!' Well, technically I was wrong, we didn't score two! WE SCORED THREE GOALS!!! w00t! But, it happened as I said it would. Cahill on the pitch, suddenly Australia had new attacking potential and Cahill scored two. w00t! He is the first AND second Australian ever to score in a world cup tournament. And like my mother kept telling me, she was amazed that I never ever lost faith. I was never sad, I never wavered in my belief that Cahill was going to turn the match around. She had constantly pointed out that the fans in the stadium looked sad, dejected, lost ... she kept telling me that everyone in Australia had given up ... my brother Jeff at one stage said he was going to bed as the match was over, but I convinced him to stay. As he said later, he was glad I convinced him to stay and watch the match. The Aussie team was absolutely awesome. [Yes, I am a little prejudiced ... but you know, I have said time and time again Australia will win this world cup! Yes, I am probably stupid! BUT, I am full of blind faith!] :-) My mother keeps telling me that when we meet England, they'll kick our butts! Then she askes when we're going to play them ... and I have to explain how the group system works. So, it might be that we won't meet England at all ... we have to beat Brazil first ... which I have pure blind faith we will win that one as well! [Don't you love people like me ... I don't need facts, I have my faith!] They're running an Ad in Australia at the moment where they point out that Australia doing any good in the World Cup is almost impossible. We have history against us ... and in a very Aussie fashion the catch cry is

'STUFF HISTORY!'

Psyche and Eros - Part Twelve

2006-06-13T16:05:00.000+08:00

Psyche fell into a deep sleep. In fact, she might have slept forever, except news of her plight made the six o'clock news. Eros, locked in his room, with nothing else to do was channel surfing when he saw the news piece on her. Realising he was still in love with Psyche, his heart melted and he decided to do something about it. He was feeling a lot better from his burns, so the only real problem he faced was getting out of his room in order to go and aid her. He waited. When his mother Aphrodite came to tend to him, he switched the television to a soap opera he'd recored earlier. 'Oh, Ridge. You know I've always loved you.' 'Now listen, Logan. I can't marry you again. Mother's furious and Nic still wants to marry you.' 'No, it's over between me and Nic. Nic wants Bridgette. Besides, you know I'm the only one for you.' As his mother got interested in the Bold and the Beautiful, Eros stole the key to his room from her. He unlocked the door and flew immediately to where Psyche lay in a deep sleep. 'Oh, Psyche,' said Eros. 'You know I've always loved you, dudette ... um ... er ... I think I caught that wave somewhere before! Oh yeah, the idiot box said that earlier!' Eros wiped the sleep from Psyche's eyes and Psyche awoke. 'Eros?' she said in amazement. 'Yo, it's me, dudette. I can't stop thinking of you. I'm, still hanging for your groove baby.' 'But, I burnt you so bad. How can you still love me?' 'You dropped in on me bad baby, but it was an accident. I can't surf the waves if it means surfing without you. You're like the sex* wax on my surfboard. Ride the wave back to the palace with me, baby.' 'But, what about your mother? She'll never let us live in peace.' 'I'm going to eyeball the Zeus man. He's like, the King of the Gods. When he catches the vibes on how our love breaks like no other, he'll crack a barnie over the old womans head.' With that Eros flew to Mount Olympus in order to see Zeus. 'I wish I had the slightest notion what he just said,' Psyche said to herself. 'I'll just trust him that it was all good!' *Sex Wax is a brand of surfboard wax.

Mona did it ... Erna did it ... damn this peer pressure!!!

2006-06-12T18:24:00.000+08:00

Mona did it ... Erna did it ... damn this peer pressure! Now I've gone and done it ... for no other reason than I needed to get a grasp of where I need to go next ... or revisit ... or just run away to ... :-) create your own visited countries map or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Psyche and Eros - Part Eleven

2006-06-12T18:02:00.000+08:00

Charon ferried them back to the other side. Along the way Psyche was sure she could hear someone speaking again.

'Alls I'm zaying iz Freud's ego and id encompass one half of ze pzyche, while the zuper ego iz ze udzer half.'

'Zat's stupid Fritz. Surely it should be divided into ze thirdz. One thirdz ego, one thirdz id and one thirdz ze zuper ego. Zat'show ze pzyche is made up.'

'Did you hear my name again?' asked Psyche.

'Nope, sorry. Not a word,' replied Charon.

'Why, what's your name?' asked the Clarinet guy.

'Psyche,' replied Psyche.

'Did you juzt call me psycho, Fritz?'

'Nots at all, Wilhem.'

'I zwear I heard zomeone called me psycho.'

'It wazn't me zen. Maybe itz zomeone elze.'

'Zere iz no one else here, Fritz. I'm gonna punch you onez in ze head.'

'Witz what? Yous a serpent, yous gots no armz!'

'I'll zink of zomethink. When yous least expectz itz, I'm gonna clock you in ze head zomezink awezome!'

'Yeah, sure. You and whoz army, ratz breath!'

'Ratz breath! I'll give yous ze ratz breath.'

The voices faded into the distance as the ferry reached the shore of the living.

'Out you get music boy,' said Charon.

'You haven't heard the last of me!' screamed the man with the clarinet. 'I'll come back. I've got friends you know. A whole big band of friends!'

'Yeah, yeah, way to scare the dead wind tunnel!' said Charon in return.

'You haven't heard the last of Benny Goodman ferry man!' screamed the guy as he wandered off.

'Man, he was pretty upset,' said Psyche.

'Aw, that's nothing. You should have been here when Glen Miller rocked up. He actually came with his band. At least when Glen tried to pay in oboes, he actually had two!'

Psyche thanked Charon and started her way up to the surface. Cerberus was missing from his post, and was actually running around on the surface chasing his tale. Psyche past the forklift with the giant leg still on it.

'Someone's gonna dig that up in a few hundred years and wonder how a huge ancient fossil got on a modern forklift. I'll let Carnagie Mellon University figure that one out.'

Soon, she came to the cave entrance. She looked left, looked right. The Starbucks had a giant dog doo on it's roof, but it seemed to be attracting more customers than ever. Let's face it, when some people need a caffeine fix, nothing will deter them, not even Cerberus' doggy doo itself!

Psyche was making her way back to Aphrodite's palace, when she decided to stop and have a little peak inside the box. After all, she reasoned, 'Why shouldn't I steal some of that beauty for myself?'

So, she opened the box, but instead of beauty, the infernal sleep leapt out at her and landed smack on her face.

Psyche and Eros - Part Ten

2006-06-11T16:27:00.000+08:00

Psyche arrived outside the Palace. There were no guards, because let's face it, what's the worse that can happen? Someone break in there and kill the dead? Not a very smart move at all, especially when Hades would probably kick their butts anyway.

Psyche went up to the huge doors and knocked.

'Hello? Any body home? Hello?'

Somewhere deep from the interior of the palace she heard some footsteps on a marble floor, and a door open. More footsteps, more doors, sound of someone descending a marble staircase, another door opening, shutting, footsteps ... then, the door slowly creaked open.

'Um, hello?' Psyche asked. 'I'm looking for Queen Persephone.'

'You've come to the right place then,' said a beautiful lady at the door. 'I am Queen Persephone.'

'Really? You open your own door?'

'Well, it's the servants day off. Which is strange, I haven't had a visitor in one thousand years, first day I give the servant off and you arrive.'

'I guess that's Fate then.'

'Really? It was of those bitch Fate sisters then was it. I'll kick their boney asses if I catch them. Which one was it? Clotho? Lachesis? It was Atropos wasn't it! That bitch always had it in for me.'

'Um, I didn't mean it was one of the Fates, I just meant it's bad luck.'

'No such thing as luck when you're a Goddess. Anyway, what do you want? If you're selling something I'll kick your ass too.'

'Um, no, I'm not selling anything. Aphrodite sent me here.'

'Oh, really? What does she want this time? A cup of sugar? Some man she couldn't get her talons into? Don't tell me, let me guess, she wants to borrow a dress because she's got tired of running around nude in front of everyone at last!'

'No, she sent me to get some of your beauty, as she claims she's looking a little old and haggard room nursing Eros.'

'Oh sure, I'm going to make myself look ten years older just to boost her rotten narcissistic ego.'

'Well, she won't let me see Eros ever again if I don't take some back.'

Persephone looked at Psyche and took pity on her. She had heard about the rough time Aphrodite had been giving her, and decided to help Psyche. So, she took the box Psyche had brought with her, and placed some infernal sleep in the box.

Psyche then took the box back, thanked Persephone and began her journey to the surface again.

She got back to the river Styx and the ferryman was in dispute with one of his passengers.

'I've already paid you one oboe,' said the passenger.

'The fare was one obol, not an oboe. Besides, this is not an oboe, it's a clarinet.'

'It's the same thing.'

'It is not. A clarinet is a single reed instrument, while the oboe is a double reed instrument. Not only do they have different timbre and texture, the reeds on an oboe are a lot thinner than those on a clarinet.'

'You must be kidding, they're both of the woodwind family. Be happy with the oboe I gave you.'

'It's not an oboe, it's a clarinet and you're supposed to pay an obol. That's a gold coin, not a woodwind instrument.'

'Look, what do you think the oboe is worth?'

'The clarinet?'

'Yes, the clarinet then. What's it worth to you?'

'Well, I can't play one.'

'You can always learn.'

'Learn a woodwind instrument. I'm dead, I can't blow into this without any breath. This thing is useless to me. I have to take you back to the other side.'

'Excuse me,' interrupted Psyche. 'Can I catch a ride back to the other side?'

'Sure, if you want to wander the world forever, never being able to interact with anything,' said the man with the clarinet.

'Everyone in the boat,' said Charon. The man tried to resist, but Charon picked him up and put him back in the boat. Psyche got in of her own accord.

Latest Photo Of Me!

2006-06-11T13:18:00.000+08:00

As per Ashish's request, here is the latest photo of me. I hope the zits don't show up, as they are alien zits caused by being too close to Rigel Seven. :-) Rigel Seven is having their world cup at the moment, only instead of soccer players, they use trained monkeys. They found that the monkeys were safer on the roads in their Lambourghini's and didn't steal their GF's. Last night was the match between the blue team and the red team. The red team won after flinging seven poos into the goal over the blue teams five poos. Their team captain David Chimpham received a yellow card, which he promptly pealed and ate. He is one of the most expensive players, receiveing seven million banana's each year. I might have more updates on their world cup as news comes to hand.

Psyche and Eros - Part Nine

2006-06-10T18:29:00.000+08:00

Psyche journeyed deeper into the Underworld. She walked past a MacDonald's where the smell coming out of it made her want to try a big mac. She remembered what the tower had warned her about though, and controlled herself.

Then, there was a bakery, and that smelled wonderful too, and there was a Black forest cake in the window.

'Oh, wow,' she thought. 'I could really go for one of those.'

After years of dieting though, she had a will of iron, and was able to walk away from it.

She had to find her way to the Queen of the Underworld. She saw some flashing lights up ahead, and was sure it would point in the right direction.

'Come on into the casino young lady,' said a large muscular man in a black suit. 'Free meal and a one hundred dollar chip on the house with every suite.'

'What is this place?'

'It's a casino. Run by the seedy underworld mobsters. You might have heard about them.'

'Um, no. My first time here.'

'No worries. Just come in, have a seat at one of the tables. I'll get you a free drink.'

'No thanks, I'm only here for a short visit.'

'Yeah, right,' the man laughed at her. 'A joker in every pack!'

She moved on, looking for other places the Queen might reside. She went past a large group of people tied to stakes and having their backs whipped.

'What's this all about?' she asked one of the whippers.

'Ah, d'is is where people are brought when d'ey first arrive. D'ey get their inequities beaten out of d'em, so to speak. D'is geezers been 'ere fo' almost a year.'

'Really, what did he do?'

'Paparazzi.'

'Oh, got off easy did he?'

'No, he was only a paparazzi for a day. You should see what d'ey get fo' doin' it fo' longer,' he said with a nod of his head, and he was back whipping the guy.

'Um, can I ask where about the Queen Persephone resides?'

'Oh, you're one o' her friends I's expects, withs you being so pretty an' all. Just follow d'e main road here, untils you gets to a big sign D'at says “Palace” with a big arrows ons it. D'en, you should be able to follow the signage the rest of the ways d'ere.'

'Thank you very much.'

'You'se welcomes,' he nodded his head and got back into his whipping.

'I's loves d'is job,' he said to himself. 'Get to meet pretty ladies and also lashings of fun to be 'ad.'

'Will you stop it with that pun,' said the man getting whipped. 'I'd rather you whip me more than say that stupid joke again.'

'Okay, lashings of whip fo' ya matey!'

The man being whipped groaned at the repeated joke.

While walking along, a white rabbit raced past followed by a young girl in a blue dress.

'Oh, whatever shall I do?' cried the girl.

'Just try the MacDonald's a little further down the road. It's a lot easier than catching and skinning a rabbit,' Psyche called after the girl. 'Stupid bitch, that rabbits got hardly any meat on it at all.'

New Banner

2006-06-09T23:03:00.000+08:00

I've installed a new banner (and messed around a lot with some fo the template). Tell me if it all looks okay. I know my old template had some trouble in IE. Personally, I use FireFox and can see my blog easily. Cheeeeeers! :-)

Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Nine

2006-06-09T14:31:00.000+08:00

The Grizzleydore team walked towards the Queeritch match.

'Hi Hoooooooo!' sang the Captain.

'Hi Hoooooooo!' replied the team.

'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's into the sky we go, to play Queeritch and get hit by some sticks, Hi ho, hi ho hi ho,' the team sang as it walked out onto the field.

'Yowzer! Yowzer! Yowzer!' cried the voice over the intercom. 'Welcome to the first Queeritch match of the season. Grizzleydore versus Snivelling. Whoever wins this match, wins the entire season, as we're running out of players!'

'Shut up! All of you,' said the referee. 'Now, I want a good clean match. No swearing, no porn-o-graphic images downloaded, no jokes with smutty innuendo. Do you understand?'

'We can still beat the crap out of each other can't we?' asked the Snivelling Captain.

'By all means,' replied the referee. 'What sort of match would it be without danger, violence and people getting killed. We have to compete with the soccer world cup you know!'

'So, biting, spitting, hitting, kicking, punching ... all permissible?' asked the Grizzleydore Captain.

'Of course,' replied the referee. It'll be just like watching the Italian Series A, but without the soccer balls!'

She blew her whistle, threw the snotch into the air, and the game was on.

Perry, being a noob to the game, just hung about in the air watching the rest of the players beat the daylights out of each other. It got to twenty all, which was sort of funny, as only two goals had been scored at either end, when suddenly Perry's Vacstick started to behave wildly, almost throwing him off.

'What's happening?' asked Hernia.

'I think he's Vacstick is set to blow instead of suck,' replied Von.

'No, look!' Hernia pointed at Snack, who was visibly mouthing some incantation. 'Snack is trying to kill Perry.'

'Wouldn't a sniper rifle and a book repository be better for that?'

'No, not if you don't want people to suspect you. We have to help Perry. I'm going to go and stop Snack.'

With that, Hernia raced off under the bleachers to where Snack was sitting, which was awful quick of her considering she'd just been on the other side of the field pointing to Snack, and less than five seconds later she was underneath him.

She got out her wand. 'Flaming Lamborghini!' she said, with a swish and flick of her wand. Nothing happened, as the prop department were too busy trying to get Perry to fall off his vacstick. So Hernia pulled out a lighter and set fire to Snack's black dress.

Snack suddenly noticed his dress was on fire and started to stamp it out.

'Oh gees, I knew I looked hot in this thing, but this is going to extremes!' said Snack as he finally got the fire out.

With that distraction, Perry was able to gain control of his vacstick, as the prop department were more interested in the phenomenon of black dress self combustion. Perry was sitting their on his vacstick when the snotch raced up, stopped in front of his face,and raced off again.

Perry started to chase the snotch, and so did the snotcher from Snivelling. As the only two members on the field who hadn't either been killed or severely wounded and left lying on the ground, the battle was down to them.

Perry and the Snivelling guy were chasing the snotch and went into a vertical dive heading straight for the ground. They looked at the ground, then at each other, then at the ground, then at each other. Which was unfortunate in a way, as that was when they hit the ground in what is commonly known as the 'face plow'.

Perry, being the lucky sort of a sod that he is, just happened to swallow the snotch as he hit. This automatically caused Grizzleydore to win the game.

Psyche and Eros - Part Eight

2006-06-09T14:11:00.000+08:00

PART EIGHT

So, Psyche went off to Cape Tainaron in search of the cave to the underworld. She noticed a huge sign, 'Cave to Underworld, 50 metres. Turn left at Starbucks.'

'Hmmm, that's gotta be the place. After all, I'm sure Hades is where Starbucks gets their coffee from.'

Psyche travelled the fifty meters, stopped in for a choco-latte and a donut, as she wasn't sure how long she was going to be in the underworld. She surmised the possibility that the latte and donut might be the last things she eats while still alive.

Off she went into the cave. About a kilometer underground she came across a very large pooper scooper.

'Obviously, the pooper scooper of the Gods,' she said to herself. 'I must be getting close.'

She also saw scrawled into the wall some graffiti. 'Heracles was here.' This just confirmed her suspicions even more. Soon, she could smell the dog itself, even before she could see him. She secretly hoped the bone she'd brought was big enough.

Sure enough, before she could finish her next step, a huge puppy, the size of a house, appeared in front of her. She knew it was Cerberus, as the puppy had three heads. She whistled to a guy who had been following behind her with the bone on a forklift. It had been the leg bone of one of the Titans, but she was sure they weren't using it at the moment for anything. Instead, the guy saw the dog and leapt from the fork lift. He ran like a crazed idiot to get away from the dog. Of course being a dog, and we all know dogs love to chase things, Cerberus immediately took off after the guy, ignoring the bone and Psyche all together.

There are rumours Cerberus actually followed the guy all the way to the surface and ate most of the Starbucks patrons. The rumour continues that Cerberus couldn't sleep for ten years and is now addicted to caffeine. Every time he finds a Starbucks, he eats everyone in site. This is of course not a reason not to drink there and is considered a plus for some patrons who like the in house entertainment.

Meanwhile, back in the cave, Psyche kept traveling till she arrived at the river Styx. There, near the shore was a little wharf with a ferry at the end. On the ferry stood Charon, the ferryman. He didn't look at all like what she had expected. In fact, he looked remarkably like a Venician Gondola operator if it was being played by Johnny Depp.

'Um, one to cross to the Underworld, please,' she said as she got on board the boat.

'Sure,' said Charon, as he pushed off from the wharf in the direction of another wharf on the other side.

Somewhere in the water, she swears she heard the voices of two people quarrelling.

'I tellz you Fritz, everyonez is gay.'

'And I zink you are projecting your own pzyche onto udzer peoplez.'

'Did someone just say my name?' asked Psyche.

'Wouldn't know,' said Charon. 'Only other's around here are Fritz and Wilhem, and I don't think you know them.'

'No, I don't think I've met them.'

'Andz on top of zat, I heard Hans waz zleeping witz your wifes.'

'Don' be ztupid! Besidez, what sort of ztupid name iz Hans for a serpent. Like, he haz no hanz.'

'Zat's handz Fritz. Handz, witz ein dee inz it.'

'Thatz ztupider. Like, why leavez ze dee outs of hiz name? But, hiz parentz alwayz wanted him to be a doctor or zomezing. Like, how ztupid.'

The voices echoed off into the distance as Charon got them safely to the wharf on the other side.

'That's one Obol, please,' said Charon.

'Sure, there you go,' said Psyche handing over her gold coin.

Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Eight

2006-06-08T20:50:00.000+08:00

Hernia, Von and Perry were sitting in the Great Hall.

'Did you see Snack's leg?' asked Perry to Von.

'Yeah, he can't shave to save his life!'

'No, Von! He had a huge dog bite on his leg. Like the sort Humpy the dog would have given him if he was trying to get to whatever Humpy is guarding.'

'Humpy the dog is guarding something?'

'Yes, when Fartrid and I were in London he had to pick up something from a vault belonging to a Grunge Flannel.'

'Who's that?' asked Von.

'You idiots!' said Hernia. 'It's obvious, this Grunge Flannel person would be mentioned in the 'Who's Who of Wizards” book. It's in the reference section of the library.'

'The reference section? What's that?' asked Perry.

'What's a library?' asked Von.

'It's that big room upstairs where there are all those books,' said Hernia.

'Oh, the book room thingy!' exclaimed Von. 'Yeah, I've walked past that. Always wondered why people kept going in there.'

'To read, idiot!' exclaimed Hernia.

'Oh course,' said Perry slapping his forehead.

'You didn't know people read in there?' asked Hernia.

'No, but there is a grunge section at the end,' said Perry, 'Has a bunch of CD's in it, Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Pearl Jam. I bet it has something to do with this legendary grunge flannel.'

'Of course,' said Von.

'What?' said Hernia and Perry at the same time.

'Uh, I don't know, I just didn't want to feel left out,' said Von.

'You idiot, Von,' said Hernia.

At that moment a vulture flew overhead and a large white load of good landed right in front of Perry in his soup d'jour.

'Um, I'm not eating this now,' said Perry.

'You have to,' said Von. 'Or else you won't get any dessert.'

'Wait,' said Hernia, who was the more observant of the trio. 'There appears to be a broomstick or other large object in their wrapped in brown paper.'

Von and Perry both slapped their foreheads!

'Wow,' said Von. 'It's the Hoovermatic three thousand. That's even more impressive than that stupid nimbus two thousand thing they had in the original movie.'

'By at least one thousand,' said Perry, who didn't quite understand that higher numbers didn't always mean better quality. Which in turn explained why he had bought a Pentium four that ran at ten thousand kilohertz over the Pentium four which ran at one gigahertz.

'Now you have a really cool Vacstick to play the Queeritch tournament with,' said Hernia.

'You want to know what's really weird,' said Perry. 'My parents left me a vault full of gold pieces, and yet I always seem to never have anything and other people have to buy me things.'

'That is weird,' said Von. 'You stingy bastard. You didn't even buy me a birthday present!'

'And all you did for my birthday,' said Hernia. 'Was pay for some guy to come in to my room and install something in the ceiling, which you said was a smoke detector, but when I tested it, it didn't work!'

Perry blushed slightly at the thought that he'd actually got a Web-Cam installed. Von and Perry smiled knowingly.

ADDENDUM

Changed the line From:

'And all you did was pay for some guy to come in to my room and install something in the ceiling, which you said was a smoke detector, but when I tested it, it didn't work!'

To: 'And all you did for my birthday,' said Hernia. 'Was pay for some guy to come in to my room and install something in the ceiling, which you said was a smoke detector, but when I tested it, it didn't work!'

Thanks to Ashish for spotting that no one knew who was saying this line. Hope it makes sense now! :-)

Sci-Fi Noobs

2006-06-08T13:07:00.000+08:00

You know the Sci-Fi movie you're watching has been written by noobs when you hear this statement: "You're trying to stop a civilization 200 light years more advanced than our own!" It's nice to know that in the future they'll be measuring how advanced a civilization is in distances, rather than in their accomplishments, or time. I just wonder how many light years more advanced we are than our primative ancestors of 2 million years ago! Maybe only half a light year ... how mong does it takes humans to walk that far again? :-)

Psyche and Eros - Part Seven

2006-06-08T11:30:00.000+08:00

PART SEVEN

'You inconsiderate little biatch!!!' screamed Aphrodite when she returned unharmed. 'Do you realise how much stress you are causing me over all this? Do you realise what you are doing to me? I have to tend to my poor son Eros all this time, and look what it's doing? I'm loosing my beauty. I'm supposed to be the goddess of beauty, and I'm getting ugly and haggard!'

'If you say so,' replied Psyche.

'I have another task for you,' she hissed. 'This time, there will be no escape!'

'What? You're trying to get rid of me?'

'Well, duh! How long has it taken you to work that out! This is what you have to do. In order to replace the beauty I've lost, you have to journey to Hades and speak to the Queen of the underworld, Persephone. She will give me some of her beauty to replace what you've caused me to lose.'

'I guess it beats plastic surgery.'

Aphrodite gave her a box to collect it in, and with that Psyche left to fulfill the task.

Not being sure how to get into Hades, Psyche decided to throw herself off a high tower in order to kill herself, and as such go to Hades. As she was climbing the tower, the tower spoke to her.

'Hey, stupid. I'm as thick as two bricks ... well, more than two, and even I know killing yourself won't allow you to return from the underworld.'

'Who said that?'

'It's me, the tower.'

'Oh boy, now I've really lost it. First, I marry a serpent with invisible servants, and the serpent ends up being a demi-god. My sisters kill themselves; I lose a fortune betting on it; ants help me sort seeds; a river talks to me; I see a sheep dope dealer and stoned sheep; an eagle collects water for me; and now a tower is talking to me. That's it, I'm jumping regardless.'

'No, you haven't gone crazy. Just stupid. Now listen here, off to the East is Tainaron, where a cave leads into the underworld. Take a huge bone to throw to Cerberus the three headed dog.'

'If he has three heads he'll need three bones.'

'You can take three bones. I'd just use one myself. He can fight over it amongst himself. Also, take a gold coin to pay Charon the ferryman. He'll take you across the river Styx, and past Fritz and Wilhem. Most important of all though, never ever eat anything there.'

'Why is that?'

'Two reasons, one, all the food is crap in Hades; Second, if you eat anything you will be stuck in hades forever, never to return. Then they'll make you eat more stuff cooked down there. It's all over cooked! I tell you, it's like Hades down there.'

'Ah, yeah, of course it's like Hades.'

So Psyche went off on her journey to Hades, which is not at all unlike working in computers.

Perry Pooter and the Philosophical Tone - Part Seven

2006-06-07T19:36:00.000+08:00

It was Halloween, and pumpkin heads hung from all over the place. One of them was still attached to the Great Pumpkin, and another one was still attached to a headless horseman.

'Didn't we just have Xmas?' asked Von.

'You know, now that you mention it, we did!' replied Perry.

Meanwhile, in the basement, Professor Squill heard a knocking on a door. He innocently opened it, thinking it was an Avon Lady or perhaps a Jehovah's Witness.

'Hello?' he asked as the door swung wide.

'Me need to pee,' said the troll as he forced his way in. 'Where is the men's room?'

'Waaahhhh!' scream Squill running all the way upstairs to the great hall. 'Troll in the basement! Troll in the basement!'

He burst into the hall screaming, and fainted.

'Where's Hernia?' asked Von.

'She's in the ladies room. You know, that time of month,' replied Perry.

'No, I don't know,' Von said perplexed. 'I'm only a little kid. What time of month is that?'

'I have no idea either,' said Perry, equally perplexed.

'Let's go check out what she's up to then,' said Von.

'Hmmm, a trollop in the basement. Children, go to bed! Teachers, follow me. About time we had a good trollop show,' said Dumblebum.

Professor Snack exited through a back door, and raced upstairs.

Hernia was in the ladies room trying to open a pack of tightly sealed tampons.

'Bloody stupid plastic wrapping,' she said. 'I can never get these things unwrapped when I need them.'

As she struggled, a large troll like shadow loomed into the bathroom.

'Me need to pee,' said a loud booming voice.

'Get out of here you troll. This is a ladies room!' Hernia screamed at the troll.

'Where is men's room? Me feel the need! The need to pee!' the troll screamed while leaping up to high five an imaginary Maverick.

'GET OUT!' Hernia screamed.

'Ugh, screaming hurts my ears,' screamed the troll, who accidentally dropped his large club. Hernia only had a small amount of time to duck under a row of basins out of the way of the falling club. The club landed with a loud crash, smashing the basins into little pieces.

Perry and Von raced into the ladies.

'Wow! This is what the ladies looks like,' said Von.

'You idiot, you could have seen a photo of a ladies just by visiting Minishort's, or Kimberly's blogs,' said Perry.

'Really? Who would have thunk it!'

'YOU IDIOTS! HELP ME!' screamed Hernia at them, as she ducked into the cubicles.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop my club,' said the troll, picking his club up again.

'We better save Hernia,' said Von. He picked up a piece of porcelain basin and threw it at the troll. It hit the troll in the back of the head, causing him to reel wildly. This in turn caused him to wield his club wildly smashing half the cubicles. Hernia screamed more and raced along under the remaining cubicles.

'Ow, me sorry. Me pay for damage,' said the troll.

Perry and Von didn't listen. Perry leapt onto the trolls head.

'Oh, no! Me seem to have grown a human on my head. I must have touched a toad again!' said the troll, who had recently had surgery to remove five other children he'd grown on his head.

Perry lifted his wand and smashed it over the trolls head.

'Aaargh!' screamed the troll, and once again his club swung wildly destroying the last of the cubicles. 'Me going to have to pay a lot for damage. Me just wanted to use men's room!'

'Do something, Von,' screamed Perry.

'What with? I don't have a cricket bat like you, I've just got a wobbly stick!' exclaimed Von.

'Swish and flick, Von,' called Hernia.

'Me, sorry,' said the troll. 'Me just want men's room. Please, let me go to men's room.'

Perry whacked him with the cricket bat again.

'Swish and flick,' screamed Hernia again.

'Oh, like when I flick snot at the girls,' said Von.

'Yes, that's it,' called Hernia back.

Von stuck his wand up his nose and got a large amount of goop. He swished his wand and flicked. It hit the troll fair and square in his eye.

'Arrrgh,' screamed the troll, who accidentally swung the club into the air, where it travelled upwards for a few seconds, then seemed to stop in mid-air as it changed directions.

'Oh, no!' said the troll, seeing the club above him.

The club, aided by gravity, resumed it's journey, this time coming down upon the trolls head.

The troll was knocked out immediately, as well as suffering a skull fracture and a small cerebral haemorrhage. He fell forward with a crash, and immediately lost control of his bladder causing a yellow wave from his pants.

Just as this happened, some of the teachers raced into the room.

'Those trollops are losing their looks a bit,' said Dumblebum.

'I keep telling you, it's a troll, not a trollop,' said McGonnalot.

Perry looked at Snack who raced in slightly later than the other teachers. He noticed Snack was wearing his famous black dress with the sexy slits up the sides of the legs. On his leg was a large bleeding dog bite. Snack saw Perry seeing his leg, and swished his black dress over his legs to hide the bite, as well as the poorly shaved legs.

'Well, Miss Groinage,' said McGonnalot. 'Looks like you've had a lucky escape.'

'Not really,' replied Hernia. 'I'm bleeding all down my legs and I still can't get these things OPEN!!!ONEONEONE!!!'

'Gees,' said Von. 'In all the excitement, I didn't even realise the troll had injured her!'

Everyone except Perry gave him a strange look.

Psyche and Eros - Part Six

2006-06-07T15:33:00.000+08:00

PART SIX

Once again, Aphrodite was furious that Psyche had performed the impossible task.

'You bitch! How dare you perform these tasks!'

'But, you told me to perform them.'

'Okay, then do this one. Go and get me some water from the cleft where the river Styx and Cocytus come from, in this amphora.'

'Hee, hee, hee, you said a naughty word!'

'Which one?'

'Cocytus.'

'Huh? Oh, it does sound naughty! Hee, hee!' giggled Aphrodite. But no sooner had she giggled than her mean demeanor returned. 'Now get me that water!'

So, off Psyche went to get the water. Upon the way she came upon a great eagle.

'Hey diggity, Princess Psyche. Where ya'll off ta on this bright sunny day?'

'Oh, mister eagle, I'm off to fetch some water in this amphora from the cleft in the river Styx and Cocytus.'

'Well, diggity darn, if that ain't one of the worst tasks ever. I don't think a young belle like ya'll self should be a fetching water from such a dangerous place. For one, it's got worse critters in it than the bayou has alligators and is smellier than a muskrats armpits. I'll tell ya what young Missy. You let me fly in thar and get that water for ya'll and you can wait here a little bit.'

'Oh, thank you mister eagle.'

'It's my pleasure Miss Psyche. A gentleman would do no less for a pretty lady like yourself.'

So the eagle took the amphora and off he went. He flew down into Hades to the place where the cleft was where the river Styx and the river Cocytus originate from. Two serpents that guard the area tried to leap up to bite him.

'Hey Fritz, do ja zinks yous can bites him?' asked the first serpent.

'Nine, Wilhem. He'z just flying a littles too highz fors me.'

'I haz an ideas. I vill lift youz up on my backs and you tryz to bite hims.'

'Ziz isn't one of your homo tricks iz it?'

'Nine, nine! Never will I playz ze tricks on youz agains, Fritz.'

'Itz just lasts times mine wifez was present and she gaves uz such a looking ats.'

'Oh, soz, youz don'ts haz ze problem with me trying to mounts you? Its waz just ze wifes putz you off?'

'Nine, nine. I'm not likes zat. I keep telling you, I'm a straight serpent.'

'I never heardz such a zing in mine life. Serpents are znot straight, we wiggles alls over ze places.'

'Zat's just to move arounds. It doesn't mean we needs to takes on ze alternate life stylez.'

'What are yous talkings about? Everyonez gay I tells you.'

'Nine, not at alls. I'm straight I tells you!'

While they were arguing the Eagle flew under the cleft and filled it with water. As the amphora filled he corrected a little to take on the ballast, and off he flew again.

He delivered the amphora back to Psyche.

'Oh, thank you mister Eagle, how can I ever repay you.'

'No need to ma'm. Ya'll just take good care of yourself and hopefully we'll be able to see each other in the near future.'

So, off Psyche went with the amphora of water.

Psyche & Eros - Part Five

2006-06-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

PART FIVE

'Okay you whore, this is my next task for you,' said Aphrodite. 'I want you to find where the golden sheep graze and I want you to bring me a ball of golden wool.'

So, Psyche set off in search of the Golden Sheep. 'I wonder why Jason and the argonauts just didn't come here, to Golden Sheep Farm, instead of going on that long voyage just to get one mangy old fleece?'

It was true, Golden Sheep farm was only twenty kilometres up the road from where Jason left from, but no one said Heroes were clever.

When Psyche arrived, a river nymph in a nearby creek spotted her, and knowing what Aphrodite had set as a task, took pity on Psyche and decided to warn her.

'Oh, Psyche,' the nymph called to her. 'Hee hee hee. I have to warn you. Those sheep are really naughty sheep. Hee hee hee. They are real mean. Like, once, a trumpet player was trying to play a tune, and he kept getting the notes wrong, and one of those golden sheep came over and shoved the trumpet somewhere. Hee hee hee!'

'Uh, right ...' answered Psyche.

'And there was this other time. Hee hee hee. This sheep decided to eat this guy who was trying to cross the field. Hee hee hee! And then, this other time, this guy took his girl friend into the field for some nooky, well, to cut a long story short, he's now in a Thai Girl show somewhere in Bangkok. Hee hee.'

'Okay, I get it, the sheep are a pack of mean mother f...'

'And this other time, there was this one sheep who joined the Nazi party.'

'I've got it already!!! Just tell me how I can avoid getting eaten by these mean sheep.'

'Okay, the sheep are all stoners. You know what I mean. Like, the sheep like to bong on in the afternoon. Like, they get the grass stuff that they're supposed to eat, only it's not the eating type of grass, and they have these bongs they've made from rubber hose and plastic coke bottles and like, they light up and stuff.'

'Yes, yes, get to the point,' said Psyche.

'Well, you know, it makes them all mellow and stuff in the afternoon and they normally go and lie under the trees on the other side of the meadow. So, if you like sneak up on them when they're like, mellowed out and just tripping and stuff, then you can gather some of their wool.'

'Okay, thanks.'

'And after, if you're not doing much, like, you can come back here. We've got this girl thing happening later if you want to join in. Like, the girls aren't all snooty or anything. It's just a pyjama party thing, and you know, it's not sexual or anything. Well, some of the other girls might be like that, but you know I'm not. I'm just inviting you cause, we're like friends and everything now that I've warned you. You know, cause I sort of saved your life and everything. So, you know, bring your own drinks and stuff. We don't supply the alcohol, you've got to bring that yourself ... oh bugger, she's gone!'

It was true, while the river nymph had continuously blabbered on a lot, Psyche had gone off to the field to wait for the sheep to mull up. Eventually, the head stoner sheep took the others off to have their afternoon rest under the trees. Another sheep turned up with baggies full of grass and the head stoner sheep bought some stuff.

Pretty soon, they were all wasted on drugs and completely unaware that their wool was being nicked off their very own backs. If there is one reason not to do drugs kids, it's this. While you're wasted and out of your head, any damn idiot can walk into your place and take everything you own. Later, when you try to explain to the police that it all happened while you and twenty good mates were sitting around, they will look at you as though you are the biggest moron on the planet. [Which you will be!]

Psyche left the stoned sheep and took the ball back to Aphrodite. She ensured she didn't go anywhere near that creek again, as she didn't have four hours to waste on what was possibly a nymphomaniac lesbian nymph.

Five Questions From Hedon

2006-06-06T15:37:00.000+08:00

Hedon's belated 5 questions: 1. What would Hillary Clinton have to do to get you into bed with her? First of all, she'd have to be single. I never hit on women with other halves (or accept their advances) ... so, not sure what would have to happen between her and Bill, but, something would have to happen. Second, she'd have to be younger. Okay, probably that's a little impossible, but I have some mental block where I can't date women older than myself. Let's face it, she's 18 years older than I am. Third, she'd probably have to convince me she is sincere in her intentions of making the relationship work. Other than that, probably not that much. I mean, she is a very intelligent woman and all (being an ex-Lawyer) and I find intelligence sexy. Also, she is possibly going to be the first female President of the U.S. (And let's hope if she gets that position she will be the best President that the U.S. ever has ... I think she has a good chance of being the best, as there hasn't been that many outstanding Presidents to date). :-) 2. What is your favourite colour for undies and why? Black. Almost all my boxer shorts are black ... in fact, almost all my clothes are either black, or dark blue, though I've been told royal blue suits my eyes! :-) I just like black clothes I guess. Maybe I'm a puritan pilgrim deep down inside! :-) 3. What's the grossest thing you've eaten before? At a church breakfast I was feed some cereal which made me feel sick. It was only when I noticed strange black things floating in it, that I realised why it was making me sick. The thing had been infested with cockaroaches which had laid their eggs and stuff in there. I ended up vomiting pretty severely too ... in fact, I'm sort of dry reaching just remembering the incident. I discovered later, that the food they'd feed me had been left out to be thrown away. It was a number of years past it's use-by date, as well as having had the cockaroach infestation. The person who had left it out hadn't told anyone, and in-between them putting it on the side bench (where the rest of the breakfast cereal was being used), and them throwing it away, it had somehow managed to get served to me! [And only me too! No one else got fed it!] BLAH!!!! And to think, I actually PAID for that meal!!! Blah! Sometimes I wonder if someone did it deliberately!!!! ONEONEONE!!!!1111!!!! Grrrr! I was sick for a number of days after that too ... Oh, there was some rat sack in it as well. Grrrr! I'm still pretty angry over the whole thing, but I was told not to sue, as suing the church that poisons you is apparently naughty and a sin against God. Grrrrr! 4. Have you ever hit on/been hit on by a guy? I've never hit on a guy myself, but I've had plenty of guys hit on me. Funny thing is, most of these 'gay guys' are supposedly able to tell another gay guy with their gaydar, but I think it was majorly broken on all those occassions. I can easily say there was over five, plus I've had other guys come and 'ask me confidentially' as their friends were interested in me. 5. Which country is going to win this year's World Cup and why? Australia ... no reason, we're just going to do it! :-) Actually, I'll back that up a little. Most of the time Australia has never been able to field a full strength side as the clubs they play for often never used to release them for International events. Yet, in some of the matches we've played we've done exceedingly well. For instance, beating England 3-0, and when we beat France (who were world champions at the time) 2-0. Let's face it, when we play well, we can do exceptionally well, and when we play bad, we have a habit of playing really bad! :-) We drew with the Netherlands 1-1 the other day, and the Netherlands are one of the cup favourites. So, we seem to be coming into form. I don't think it will be easy though, we're up against Brazil (favourites), Japan (really in form at the moment), and Croatia (whom Pele has tipped as one of the possible chances to win the cup), so it's a tough group. If we can survive the group, then it will probably be an easier second round for us. :-) Plus, a lot of people have written us off ... Aussies have a habit of playing beyond themselves when they're the under dogs. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As per the rule 4 ... here are the rules: The Official Interview Game Rules (copied to be passed on) 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “interview me.” 2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person’s will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Psyche and Eros - Part Four

2006-06-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

Six Minutes into the Sixth day of the Sixth Month of the year ending with a Six this decade. Don't you wish I had of waited till the sixth hour and sixth second as well? Well, I'm gonna be asleep then ... so read this in the meantime! :-) PART ~~SIX~~ FOUR Psyche returned to her fathers house and told him and her sisters what had happened. When the sisters realised that Psyche had been married to Eros, they decided that maybe they could ditch their own King husbands and get into bed with him. So they took off back to his palace. 'Hey, Hippofacia, where do you think he might be?' asked Hypercondria. 'I've no idea, but I bet his friend Zephyr knows where he is. Let's just jump off this cliff again and when he catches us, we'll force him to take us to Eros.' 'Fantastic idea, sis.' So, both the sisters leapt off the cliff, not realising that Zephyr was at a Red hot Chilli Peppers concert. As such, they both fell to their deaths on the rocks below. Hippofacia hit first, and the King made a fortune on a bet he'd made off the Internet on the whole thing. Hypercondria only paid a small dividend due to coming in second place. Psyche went off in search of Eros in order to get him back. She was in a bit of a bad mood, as she'd placed a bet on Hypercondria coming in first. Upon her way, she ran into Pan, the half man half goat dude who liked to hang out with nymphs and play the pan pipes. 'Hey, little girl. What yo lost sister?' asked Pan. 'I'm looking for my husband Eros. I split oil on him and he's run away from me,' replied Psyche. 'Oh, that was you? Well sister, I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do for yo. I heard that the old psycho beauty herself Aphro D to the T Dite is chasing yo ass trying to ice ya face cause ya put the hit on her first born. So, you gotta get in first, or I ain't the gangstar rapper himself, yo dig what I'm saying. Yo gotta hit the bitch in her own home in a language she can understand. Find her ass and when yo do, yo tell her yo ain't afraid to be her bitch for a while through delivering some services. Ya dig wot I'm saying here?' 'Um, I ask her to let me pay off my debt to her by doing stuff?' 'Yeah, that's the spirit sister. Yo make me one hip happy rapper when I hear yo hearing me. Now, you go find that mother before she toasts your ass with one of her ass roastin' boastin' toastin' machines!' 'Ah, thanks ... I think.' With that, Psyche changed from looking for Eros to looking for Aphrodite. Aphrodite had decided to teach Psyche a lesson once and for all, so she also went in search of her. When she found Psyche, she discovered that Psyche was in fact looking for her. Psyche beseeched her in the name of love to bring her husband back to her, and in return, she'd be Aphrodite's main bitch. 'Listen bitch,' said Aphrodite. 'You set my son on fire. No matter how much you love him, I don't want him suffering any more spousal abuse. I'm like talking lawyers and getting the police involved next time!' 'I promise to get rid of all the oil lamps and replace them with flouros.' 'But you don't have any electricity.' 'It'll be dark, but at least it'd be a modern palace!' 'Look, I've taken pity on you, so this is what I'll do. I'll set for you some impossible tasks and if you can perform them, then maybe, just maybe I'll let you see Eros when he's better. Here is your first task. I will leave you with this bag of a million mixed seeds, and when I return in the morning I want them all sorted.' Psyche took the seeds back to the palace and tipped it on the floor. She started to sort them, when she noticed a large number of ants took pity on her and came and started to sort them for her. The next morning, all the seeds were sorted. Aphrodite was furious.

Love Language

2006-06-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love languages are probably
Physical Touch and Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		8
Quality Time:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		3
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz This next one was a waste of my time:

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 0

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

Psyche and Eros - Part Three

2006-06-05T19:34:00.000+08:00

PART THREE

Her sisters Hippofacia, and Hypercondria decided to visit her. Eros arranged for the West Wind Zephyr to bring them to the palace during the day. Upon seeing the palace and learning the fact that Psyche was pregnant, they both became very jealous and decided to ruin it for Psyche.

'Wow, this palace is enormous,' said Hippofacia. 'Yes, yes it is,' agreed Psyche. 'Anyway, I didn't want to bring it up, but we've heard your husband is a horrible serpent,' blurted Hypercondria. 'Well, Dad was told about that when he married me off,' replied Psyche. 'So, this enormous palace you live in is funded by ill gotten gains from a horrible, horrible serpent who kills and eats people and steals their money.' 'Oh, I'm sure he doesn't eat people and steal money. He's very nice. He's just ... you know, ugly.' 'Oh, peoples outwards appearances always reflects their true insides,' said Hippofacia. 'Really? Dad says you look as ugly as a horse!' This cut both of her sisters to the quick. Hypercondria was first to recover. 'Look, we've brought you this humongous sword to cut his head off with. So, tonight, just do it and save all those people from being eaten and robbed.'

Psyche still didn't believe them.

'We also heard a rumour that once you have your child he plans to eat you both,' said Hippofacia.

This confounded Psyche, so as proof, Hippofacia leapt off a nearby cliff to prove her sincerity. She of course knew that Eros had given instructions to Zephyr not to let any harm come to any of them. Zephyr had to act quickly and saved Hippofacia from dying, bringing her gently to the ground. Then Hypercondria did the same, and Zephyr was forced to save her as well. Seeing what she thought was the sincerity of her sisters, Psyche then believed what they had told her. So that night, with the sword hidden under her pillow, Psyche rested on the bed next to her husband. She had smuggled more than the sword into the room though. She had also brought an oil lamp, as she had decided that she couldn't bring herself to kill her husband, as she truly loved him. She did, however decide that if she loved him, she could do so regardless of what he looked like, and as such she was going to look upon him. So, she took the lamp and lit it. The room filled with a yellow light, and she turned to gaze upon her husband. Instead of the ugly serpent she had been told was there, instead she saw the beautiful masculine body of Eros, the son of Aphrodite.

'What a super hunk!' she exclaimed, unable to believe her luck.

She was so in awe of his beauty that she let the oil lamp slip, and the burning oil slipped out and landed on him. [Fortunately missing his manly bits, otherwise this would turn into a tragedy]. Eros awoke with a start from the burning oil. This was worse than his date with Madonna and the candle wax!!! He immediately realised that Psyche had seen him, and raced out of the palace. 'Come back my love,' cried Psyche. 'Never,' replied Eros. 'There is no love without trust, dudette. Plus, this burns a total mullering man!' Eros raced off to his mother Aphrodite, who discovered what had happened. Aphrodite locked Eros in a room in order to care for him, and to keep him away from Psyche.

Psyche and Eros - Part Two

2006-06-05T01:07:00.000+08:00

Did I say this was going to be two or three parts? Let's make it twelve and counting! :-)

PART TWO - Apollo's Plan

Meanwhile the King went to a shrine of Apollo in order to pray that his daughter Psyche would finally have someone to marry. 'Oh, dear great god Apollo, please here my suppliant prayer,' prayed the King. 'Dude, have I got a dude for you!!!' exclaimed Apollo. The King almost wet himself. 'Well, when I say a dude for you, I don't mean for you, personally. I mean for your narly daughter, the bodacious Psyche! You'll be goofy footin' on the other side of your board and making your friends totally envious of your layback when I'm finished. Listen up, your daughters got to get to yonder hill, where the line up for the break starts, man. There, her new hubby will come and she can totally catch the pipeline with him. Only one wipe out she's gotta avoid, King man. Her hubby's gonna be this totally awesome looking serpent. Like, he's real wicked and ugly and stuff, so she's gotta promise not to sneak a peak at the scaly dude, else it'll totally freak her out, King man.' 'I'm sorry, can you say that again?' 'You want a hubby for your totally awesome offspring Psyche, yeah?' 'Yes, I want a husband for my daughter. That's correct.' 'Well, I got the dude! But like I said, he's totally serpent.' 'Sorry, totally serpent? What's that term mean?' 'I mean, the guys a snake! Like, a really big sick snake, with scales and everything. Like, totally mushed in the face. Like, he can't get a ride cause his totally dumping!' 'Uh? He's a snake.' 'Yeah, that's what I said, man! Totally slippery, so she can't look at his face.' 'Um ... isn't that bestiality? Like, isn't that wrong?' 'No way, King dude. Like, if Zeus can turn into a bull and totally root chicks, then my friend the snake can do so as well. And it's the only part of the beach breaking for you man. So, you want in on the set or you gonna wait to see if it picks up a little?' 'Okay, you have a deal.' So, the King went back to Psyche and told her of the deal. She figured it was the only way she was going to get a husband, and besides, she liked the idea of the big snake. It was also fortunate for her onlookers, as the drool had got up to their necks. So, the King got rid of the onlookers, drained the palace of drool, and packed Psyche's stuff for her to leave. Several of the servants slipped on the drool while carrying her stuff out of the palace, but none suffered anything worse than brain damage and three years in a coma. So, Psyche sat on the hill waiting ... and waiting ... and waiting ... which didn't seem too long for her, as she'd waited all her life so far, so half a day was pretty short. It was a hot day, so she eventually decided to have a sleep. After she fell asleep, Apollo and Eros friend Zephyr carried her off to Eros palace. Psyche awoke to find herself outside a huge beautiful palace. She entered the palace and went looking for someone. She could hear the servants, and could talk to them, but she could never see them as they were all invisible. They were all very courteous and nice to her, after all, she was the Queen of the palace. So, Psyche had her husband, and Eros visited her often, but only at night. She was also warned not to look upon him. 'Bodacious one, turn your head, I'm coming into the room already!' Eros would often warn her when he arrived home. Psyche was very happy. She had her husband, she had servants and had everything she needed, even a PlayStation 3, which she had no use for as there was no electricity.

Psyche & Eros - Part One

2006-06-04T17:38:00.000+08:00

[This story got so long, I've split it into two or three parts] Part One - The Kings Daughter Once there was a King, who had three daughters. The first two he successfully married off to two Kings. The King often ponder to himself, 'Geees, I'm amazed I was able to get rid of those two, as they both have faces like horses that have been tramped by other horses, then bitten by horses and then kicked by a horse.' The King was a gambling man, and it's possible the thought came out that way as he was at the track betting half his kingdom on some old nag that luckily came in a odds of fifty to one.

'Hmmmm,' the old King pondered more to himself. 'My last daughter Psyche is the best looking filly in the race, yet I can't seem to get her married off.' [He was still at the track]. It was true. Psyche was in fact the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet at the time. She was even more beautiful than Helen of Troy, or anyone else that the King could think of. In fact, men came from all over to look at Psyche's beauty. The problem was, they were all looking, but no one was buying. 'Aw, come on guys. Must be someone who wants to marry her,' the King lamented. 'No time to reply, busy looking,' said the King of Meander. 'Shhh,' chided the King of Lydia. The King of Lesbos burped, but no one was sure if it was in agreement with the King of Lydia. After a while, Aphrodite noticed no one was going to her temple to worship her anymore. 'What's the matter with these men?' she asked herself. 'I've got naked statues of myself and everything in there! Even naked servant girls to help liberate them from their money, and NOT ONE MAN IS IN THE FRIGGIN' TEMPLE!!! ONEONEONE!!1111!!' So, Aphrodite decided to go see what was going wrong. When she discovered that all the men were standing knee deep in drool looking at Psyche's beauty, she decided to do something about it. She called her son Eros to help with a plan. She told Eros he was to go and shoot Psyche with a love arrow to cause her to fall in love with the most hideous man on earth. 'How will we know this man will be there when I shoot her?' 'It's okay, I heard Dabido was on his way there today.' 'Oh, yeah! That's him! Kewl! I'll do it!' So Eros flew over to the Kingdom where Psyche lived and was determined to shoot her with the love arrow. He waited by the gates until Dabido arrived and went in. 'Kewl!' thought Eros. 'This'll be a blast.' So Eros followed Dabido into the area where all the drool covered men were (it was now up to their waist-lines). Only, upon seeing Psyche, Eros fell instantly in love with her. In fact, he accidentally shot an arrow off which hit the King of Lesbos knocking him into the King of Lydia causing them to fall in love ... but that's another story. Anyway, Eros left to go talk to Apollo, who is pretty wise in the love department. 'Dude, you won't believe what happened!' said Eros entering Apollo's huge palace. 'Sounds bodacious, dude! Like, what awesome events happening now?' replied Apollo. 'Well dude, I saw this totally audacious chick. Her beauty is of a more impressive nature than an Hawaiian tube that you can carve for an hour.' 'Dude, that's awesomely awesome!' 'Yeah, but the whole set up is a total blow out man. Like, it's dinged beyond belief!' 'Heavy, dude. What's causing the rip, man?' 'Well, my mom, you know, Aphrodite, she's like, hit the bitch with an arrow and get her to love a fugly dude, man.' 'Total high order wipe out! Like, what you gonna do?' 'Dunno, dude! Thought you might have some way of me dropping in on the set without mom snapping her leash! Also, I don't want the sick chick to know I'm a demi-god. You know, chicks will act like a groupy if they think you're extreme.' 'Oooooh, I think I've got something total sick man. Leave it with me, dude!' So Eros went off leaving it to Apollo to sort out.

Something Else Completely Different

2006-06-04T16:35:00.000+08:00

Actually, my last post was sort of Ironic. I called it 'Something Completely Different' in the hope of moving off the 'Perry Pooter' thing for the weekend, but I realised I posted up one of my 'usual whinges' which isn't much different at all to my usual fare! :-) D'oh! Can you Spell 'Baka Bodoh Dabido?'??? :-) Anywat, was thinking a little ... this was something said [suposedly] by Wendell Phillips: 'Write on my gravestone: "Infidel, Traitor.", infidel to every church that compromises with wrong; traitor to every government that oppresses the people.' I thought I'd like to share that with people. :-) [You can google Wendell if you don't know who is is ... which you probably don't ... doesn't matter, we don't know/know of every famous person who lived and this one might be a little obscure. He is more famous for this line: “Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty; power is ever stealing from the many to the few”] Anyway, it's food for thought. Isn't that where WE ALL should be? Shouldn't we all be revolutionaries in this way? Where there is injustice, and any organisation that supports or nurtures that injustice, isn't that where we need to take a stand? I won't say much more, I'm probably talking to the converted anyway. People who like surrendering their liberties to their Governments can ponder the second quote! :-)

Something Completely Different

2006-06-04T14:41:00.000+08:00

Thought I'd leave the Perry Pooter story for this weekend for two reasons, one, a lot of people are off for the long weekends (both here in Perth and over in Malaysia), and second of all since starting to write it, I still haven't had free use of the TV in order to watch it again. :-) Here is the list of other things people have asked me to write on. I probably should point out, that when I ask people to give me stuff to write on, it doesn't have to be a send up of something. [That'll teach me for sending up LOTR!!!] :-) The first time I did this I had a lot of very different things to write about, so keep some suggestions coming in. [I hope I didn't miss any of the previous ones!! Just remind me if I did!] So, I think I won't send upt he Da Vinci code, but will write something completely different on it ... I sort of have an idea as to what I might do ... so don't be surprised if it has nothin to do with the book / film of the same name! :-)

Hobbit Send up
Wuthering Heights send up
Da Vinci Code (Though I've neither read the book, nor seen the movie, but I'll do something with this!) :-)

WARNING: NEXT SECTION IS JUST ALL WHINGING! :-) AVOID IF POSSIBLE!

I'll write [whinge] a little about my B'Day party. Family came over. My sister & family arrived slightly early, and the Brother in-law made soem comment half an hour after arriving that they were about to leave. My mother told me later that he was joking, and they did end up staying till 3 PM. I wonder if that means they read my blog ... probably. Anyway, other brother and family came over later. And also stayed till 3 PM. So they did actually spend about 3.5 and 2.5 hours here respectively. Amazing. I hope that made my mother feel a bit better. As reported earlier though, my sister left her kids here while they went off to watch the football. What did I get? Well, my sister bought me a facial scrub and some nail hardener. [And you thought I was joking when I told you my family thinks I'm gay!!!!] Well, the nail hardener isn't too bad a gift, as I do already use it at times for strengthening my right hand nails for playing guitar. Mainly as I seldom use picks any more. I have a habit of breaking the HARD picks and shreding the MEDIUM and SOFT ones. And I mean shred ... there is lots of little plastic all over the guitar when I use them. It comes from me hitting the strings too hard. WAY TOO HARD! So, I've started just playing with my hand. [Yes, I have sprayed blood all over my guitars before too!] So, havin some stuff to strengthen my nails isn't too bad. Though, I prefer not getting that sort of stuff of my B'Day. After all, things like that and deodorant etc etc are all stuff we can get in the supermarket any old day. It's not like it's special. [Though, was impressed that the present was useful, so Kudos to my sister for at least putting some thought into the present]. My brother's family bought me Futurama DVD's ... which I specifically asked people NOT to buy, as I was getting the 'Monster Box' with all four seasons on it. So was slightly peeved off at that present. At least they know I like Futurama though!!! I can always exchange the things as I still haven't opened it. Over all just peeved off that they didn't stick to the six page list I wrote out!!! Grrrrr! I mean, the whole point for writing the list was to ensure I didn't get stuff I already owned, or was getting, or didn't want and things!!!! GRRRRR!!! ONEONEONE!!!!111!!!! Anyway, my mother came up to me afterwards and asked how I thought it went. When I mentioned the fact I'd been very vocal previously about the fact I was getting the Futurama Monster Box (and so didn't want anyone to buy me that stuff), she gave me some big blasting about how ungrateful I was and I should be happy to get anything!! Blah blah blah! And even though she KNEW I didn't want Futurama DVD's and everything, [she admitted it], she said Paul wasn't to blame. [Which is weird, as she was co-ordinating my presents I thought!] [Yet, if it happened the otherway round she would have blasted me!!! FRIG!] But, I discovered the real reasons she came and asked me about it, she then had a tirad against my sister, brother in-law etc etc and how everyone just uses her! On top of that, this morning she was in a bad mood, and I heard her banging around in the cupboards (which is her way of gettin attention ... so I just ignore it). My brother Jeff didn't ignore it, and in his attempt to find out what was wrong, I got to listen to two hours of my mother and brother complaining about everything in the world, and what's wrong with the family, and how everyone just uses everyone. It just once again made me feel like I ought to go back to Sydney!!! Grrrrr! Apparently, when I returned from Sydney, I was supposed to be some sort of saviour who was goin to get a high paying job immediately, and then afford to pay for everyone to travel around the world and stuff!!! Grrrrrrr! Who's using who???? Well, I'm really sck of it all ... want to return to Sydney. Two things I've disliked about coming here. 1. It cost me an arm and a leg to return, and my family [mainly mother] make out like they've all done me some sort of favour and act like I'm some lazy sod who refuses to get a high paying job. I think they forget that I am actually workin and earning my own wage and I've also put floorboards through out the house and airconditioning, as well as paying m own way! 2. The people here have this ANTI-EASTERN states thing, where the most common reason for being refused a job while I was here, was because I had come from over East!!!! Anyway, the house is a little hostile at the moment, as my mother and brother had put each other into bad moods! Which has made me angry and sad. I genuinely feel like I was never wanted here, except as something to earn money for my mother. Once again, I'm in the mood to just pack up and GO! GO! GO!!!! Then I think, well, I'd like to actually help, but the whole being here is detrimental to myself, and my career, and I think is also not actually helping anyone else that much. They're all caught up in their own agendas. My mother often complains that she doesn't want to meet people and have friends ... like, I can't see that as good, as well as her complaints concerning her own family and my father and his side of the family. It's a lot more complex than I can express here ... but, it makes me want to scream! I feel damned if I do, and damned if I don't ... and I spent so much money moving back here ... only to find it is a hostile environment!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! It's driving me nuts! Anywat, getting back to the presents. I think I might have written on this before ... but the last Xmas I spent with the family when I was 19, was pretty painful as well. I was forced to go shopping in my exams (when I was trying to study), as my parents claimed I never appreciate anything they buy (whcih is because they never used to buy what I asked for). I went through the stores explaining to my father what I did and didn't like ... Xmas day arrived, and all the shirts and things I said I HATED the look of etc was what he'd bought me! Like, as if THAT wasn't deliberate!!!! Grrrrrr! So, I wonder if this one was also sort of deliberate. It makes me wonder if ALL my B'Days and Xmas's when I was bought crap I didn't want was all some sort of hate thing they had for me! Grrrrrr~!!! Why did I bother coming back!????!!! Grrrrrrr! Appologies to all those who read this far! Have to get it out somehow!! :-) Otherwise I'll go as crazy as the rest of my family!!!! lol